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What should I make of my FWB?


nothingsintheflowerz

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nothingsintheflowerz

Hi,

 

 

So I have a FWB. We're in college, been hooking up casually this semester. Both 21, born a few days a part from one another. We went on a few dates over the summer, then he informed me he wasn't over his ex and I was pretty upset. (He hasn't been with that ex for almost two years now, so it sounded like some absolute bull****). I started getting involved with other people,but somehow by the end of this semester, we've been spending a lot more time together. I got over him, or so I thought, and told him so. We see each other on online dating sites, so I'm not dumb and I know that he doesn't really like me...or does he?

 

Recently, he's been acting like my boyfriend. When I say recently, I mean in the last couple of weeks. Then he called me when he was upset about a test, and told me I was his best friend. He also told me that he loves me on another occasion. And he told me he wants me to go out of the country on vacation with him over winter break,and that'd he'd pay for my ticket. We've been doing less sex, more cuddling, and last night we spoke for hours. And then he turned on love songs and started singing to me. We joked about getting married last night. We've been talking about some really deep ****. He's been ordering me food and telling me that he'll bring me whatever I need, unwarranted, to my dorm. Partially, I've been playing hard to get. Is this why? Or could this mean something more?

 

The thing is, his acting this way is making me fall for him. Though I've been hurt many times before and am pretty cynical, I actually think that he likes me legitimately. I think he might be scared to get hurt (someone who is close to him told me this). But I also don't know if I should walk away so I can protect myself now, confront him about it, or realize that he really doesn't like me, and I'm reading too much into things. I mean, he talks casually about having hooked up with other girls, so maybe he really does just see me as a friend? And also, if he really did like me more now, wouldn't he have taken the step to cuff me by now? I don't know. I'm confused.

 

I'm sorry if I sound dumb and childish--please don't be too harsh. But I'd also really love your honesty as well, lol!

 

 

 

-K

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Nobody here can tell you how he's feeling. He isn't showing signs of just a FWB IMO. Why don't you talk to him about it? You both should be on the same page about what you expect in a FWB vs a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Who knows, maybe he wants that. Only one way to find out.

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nothingsintheflowerz

thank you so much for your response, i don't think i have much of a choice...we stayed up all last night and talked and he told me that i'm "his favorite" and that he "really appreciates me". it's weird. he stopped me while we were having sex and started just asking me deep questions about my life, saying he wanted to get a "sense of what i want my life to be like". i'm afraid to scare him off though!!! :(

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So what if you scare him off? That would be beneficial to you because you would stop wasting your time. AND that would also mean there was never any chance for this to progress to something serious. You shouldn't be investing feelings on a FWB when you are wanting a relationship with him. Have the TALK.

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You have feelings for this guy - that makes the FWB a baaaaaad idea. I know that it's really tempting to think that you can keep your feelings low key and just take what you can get, but that pretty much NEVER works. He knows you have feelings for him and it's really not fair for him to take all of the good parts of the relationship - the intimacy, affection, and security he gets from you, knowing you have deeper feeling for him - without any of the commitment - him talking openly about hooking up with other girls is likely away for him to make sure that you know that there is no burgeoning commitment there.

 

you can't continue as FWB without getting hurt and feeling cheated and used, all while he can scoff and say - I TOLD you i didn't want commitment, I even told you I was seeing other people.

 

However, it is possible that he has started developing feelings for you. but you need to establish that with him. You need to say something like, I'm looking for a relationship and I think this is getting in the way of me finding one because we're in some kind of pseudo relationship. I want to date you, but I know you said that you weren't looking for anything committed. If that's still where you're at, I'm going to have to move on.

 

As soon as you develop feelings for your FWB you need to either step up the relationship, or step OUT

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nothingsintheflowerz

The crazy part is, I wouldn't mind being FWB if he *acted* like one. I can't take the deep, late-night conversations and him randomly sprinkling affections on me about how much he loves me as a person, and I can tell that he's acting differently, too. Getting more comfortable. Laughing more. If he would just go back to treating me like a f*** buddy, all this would go away. But him treating me like this makes it hard not to want only him. -_- It's like, because I stopped treating him like I cared, now he does...

 

I totally agree with both of you about telling him. I think I need to, yet I feel that maybe I should wait until his feelings develop more...maybe if I play it cool, he'll come around...especially since he already knows how I feel. I've been in these FWB relationships before; one turned into a two year relationship out of it. Never has a guy been as attentive to me as this one. I admit, I am a little scared to lose him.

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nothingsintheflowerz

UPDATE: I'm currently telling him now that I want to be exclusive. I'll let y'all know how it goes. xx

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nothingsintheflowerz

Kinda heartbroken rn y'all. He told me that he was going to ask me out but then decided not to because he doesn't want to deal with relationship drama.

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I hope you told him where he can go.

Relationship drama? Really? So it's ok to act like a relationship, there no drama there. But call it that and there's drama? Bull.

 

Don't get me wrong. I think FWB can sometimes work, but it can't cross the relationship line (you can go out for dates, but the whole "I love you", joking about getting married, etc is a big no no!)

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Hi,

 

 

So I have a FWB. We're in college, been hooking up casually this semester. Both 21, born a few days a part from one another. We went on a few dates over the summer, then he informed me he wasn't over his ex and I was pretty upset. (He hasn't been with that ex for almost two years now, so it sounded like some absolute bull****).

As an FWB, why would this upset you? The whole premise of that relationship is that you're not emotionally involved, regardless about how he feels.
I started getting involved with other people,but somehow by the end of this semester, we've been spending a lot more time together. I got over him, or so I thought, and told him so. We see each other on online dating sites, so I'm not dumb and I know that he doesn't really like me...or does he?
Is it possible he took you at your word?

Recently, he's been acting like my boyfriend. When I say recently, I mean in the last couple of weeks. Then he called me when he was upset about a test, and told me I was his best friend. He also told me that he loves me on another occasion.

At the risk of repeating myself, so what? The premise of the FWB relationship is no emotional involvement. You can be friends, the best of friends, in fact. You can be a shoulder to cry on, a wall to throw $**t against, a date on Valentines day. You can be all that and more. But what you can't be is desirous of his romantic affections.
And he told me he wants me to go out of the country on vacation with him over winter break,and that'd he'd pay for my ticket.
I think that's nice. It doesn't mean he loves you.
We've been doing less sex, more cuddling, and last night we spoke for hours. And then he turned on love songs and started singing to me. We joked about getting married last night. We've been talking about some really deep ****. He's been ordering me food and telling me that he'll bring me whatever I need, unwarranted, to my dorm. Partially, I've been playing hard to get. Is this why? Or could this mean something more?
You're not being honest with him. Hard to get? Who says he wants you? Maybe he is in a lull in his life, and he has a woman who bangs him, so he's, in essence, practicing his skills with you. I don't doubt that he LIKES you. That's obvious. That doesn't mean he likes you romantically.
The thing is, his acting this way is making me fall for him.
You're doing that. All you had to do was say to him - You know what? I need you to shut down the sweet talk, because my emotions are going to get involved. Either that, or maybe we should talk about a romance. Instead, you played hard to get (i.e., pretended to be only his FWB), as if this was some new suitor and not a guy who's been in your bed plenty of times.
Though I've been hurt many times before and am pretty cynical, I actually think that he likes me legitimately. I think he might be scared to get hurt (someone who is close to him told me this). But I also don't know if I should walk away so I can protect myself now, confront him about it, or realize that he really doesn't like me, and I'm reading too much into things. I mean, he talks casually about having hooked up with other girls, so maybe he really does just see me as a friend? And also, if he really did like me more now, wouldn't he have taken the step to cuff me by now? I don't know. I'm confused.

 

I'm sorry if I sound dumb and childish--please don't be too harsh. But I'd also really love your honesty as well, lol!

 

 

 

-K

K, you need to be a good little FWB and 'fess up. Oh, I see you did, and here's the update:

 

Kinda heartbroken rn y'all. He told me that he was going to ask me out but then decided not to because he doesn't want to deal with relationship drama.
"drama" - that's all that stuff up above I was talking about. You know, it's hard to be vulnerable. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there so that somebody can cut you down to size without even trying. That's why you can't let it build up inside of you. You have to let it out the moment you feel it. You don't have to go overboard, but you shouldn't hide your feelings, play hard to get, play games in your head about does he like me or does he not? why is he taking me on this trip?If you're not sure, just ask. You'd be surprised how easy that will become if you do it early and often.

 

Truthfully, I don't think you're cut out for this role of FWB, not yet. I think it's better that you have two or more non-committed sexual relationships where you actually date, test the waters of romance, see if there's a lasting spark or not and then rotate out the people who are not for you Instead of serial monogamy, let's call it rotational polygamy. That is the key to your happiness while you learn to be open and honest with your suitors without chasing them away.

 

Oh, and you will chase a few away until you find the right tone. Don't worry about it. Just keep trying.

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nothingsintheflowerz

Hi,

 

Thank you so much for your responses! So we're going to talk about it more. I'm trying to explain to him that there wouldn't be any actual drama and that things would pretty much stay the same, except that we'd have monogamous sex. We hung out a little bit today, and he said we'd talk about it later and that he wants to spend the weekend with me. I don't know if I should cut it off or not.

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Kinda heartbroken rn y'all. He told me that he was going to ask me out but then decided not to because he doesn't want to deal with relationship drama.

 

If you want a full on relationship, then DO. NOT. AGREE. TO. A. FWB. just to keep him around. You can't sex a man into a relationship he doesn't want to be in.

 

Doing an FWB to keep him is you acting totally against what it is that you say you want in order to keep someone who calls involvement with you "relationship drama".

 

Stop sharing intimacy with her. No more cuddling, no more being his emotional tampon--let him call one of his boys when he's had a bad test and cry to him. You're giving up all this softness and he wants to parcel out his tenderness?

 

FWB's rarely pan out to full-on relationships when one of the two doesn't want to deal with the obligation of relationship.

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nothingsintheflowerz

it wasn't even that i wanted a relationship, it was more that because he started showing intimacy with me, it made it hard for me not to fall for him...if he had followed the rules, i would have been fine >.< i'll let y'all know what he says when i talk to him in person. i do agree that i need to stop being intimate with him if he continues to act like this.

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nothingsintheflowerz

Some of you may have seen my FWB thread--this is the aftermath of me asking him what he thought about us and him saying he isn't ready for a relationship, though he likes me (and loves me):

 

I've had a FWB since August. We're in college. We went on a few dates, he said he wasn't over his ex and wasn't ready for a relationship, so I pulled away. I started seeing other guys and would hook up with him on occasion, but wouldn't spend time with him. We had a fight once because he messaged me obnoxiously asking for sex after standing me up for dinner, saying he overslept. He apologized and eventually after the election results, he began to shift (I went to his room after Trump won and gave him a hug) it seemed to mean a lot to him for some reason. We started spending time together and staying up late just talking, cuddling rather than just having sex, and he started singing me love songs and told me that he loves me. He'd bring me dinner to our dorm without me asking and pick up groceries and things for me at the co-op. He told me that he appreciates me and that I'm his best friend here. He began acting like a boyfriend, besides he wouldn't show PDA such as hand-holding, etc. at all. I eventually brought up what we were again,and he said that he almost asked me out while he was singing to me once,but stopped himself because he doesn't want a relationship. He used his GPA as an excuse, his still not being over his ex excuse (she refuses to speak to him though, and they broke up a year and a half ago), he compared me to his ex and told me that they argued a lot and that he thinks we'd argue too. Then he got a little emotional and said that I'm temporary to him anyway, and that I'll forget about him in two years just like everyone else has (I know that sounds like BS, but i really do believe this is an actual belief of his.) He said that school would be over in three semesters, and I don't know what he meant by that, but I assumed it meant that he'd be ready then.

 

I assured him that I wouldn't forget about him, but I told him not to compare me to his ex. We ended up settling on continuing to be friends with benefits :( , though he told me that he would leave the benefits out if it makes me uncomfortable "because he treasures our friendship". He reassured me that he loves me and we spent that night together again. We're on break right now and we talk every day. Yesterday he told me he loves me again and he continues to act like my boyfriend. I'm enjoying our friendship so much that in many ways, I don't care if we're together or not. But honestly, it also hurts a bit to know that he almost asked me out--I've been waiting for a boyfriend, and it feels like I'm so close yet so far. I want to stick around only if I know that things will be more in the future. Is he playing me? I mean, he doesn't need to go to these lengths to get sex from me--I gave it up pretty early. But I'm tired of him treating me like I'm his "baby girl" as he calls me -_- and then not taking the efforts to commit. Sorry if I sound dumb right now, I'm just confused and don't know if I'm rushing things or being impatient. Thanks.

 

And I know that this *really* seems like he's playing me, but I'm telling you, I really do believe that he loves me. I feel more cared about and loved by him than I ever have by any of my past two relationships. Should a woman trust her gut? (Lol, I would tell myself to run from just reading my thread, but it always feels more complicated when you're actually in the situation)

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nothingsintheflowerz

BTW--he said he doesn't want to date anymore in college or in his 20s. We're 21. This just seems unlikely to me but..should I believe it? Idk.

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He loves you so much that he misses his ex and doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. This sounds promising. Either continue with the FWB with no expectations or if you are looking for a loving committed relationship, cut him loose. He is having his cake and eating it too. Why would he want to be a relationship with you when it sounds like he is getting all the perks without it? Intimacy, someone to be there always and be a sounding board, etc.

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I'm enjoying our friendship so much that in many ways, I don't care if we're together or not.

 

Then keep your focus with him on strictly friendship terms. No matter how close you get to him and how much like a boyfriend you're allowing yourself to view him, he's told you quite clearly that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

 

Don't cross oceans for someone who won't step over a puddle for you.

 

Keep the FWB as it is. Date other guys. Too bad if he cries about it--he doesn't care if you're sad because he wants to pine after his ex.

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He's not in love with you, he's clearly not interested in a relationship with you, and he's not your friend. If you doubt that, remove the benefits from the buffet. He'll become distant and fade off to other beneficial friendships.

 

Again, he's not going to be in a relationship with you...ever. Hence his comment, at 21, that he doesn't plan to date in his 20's...He dated his ex-GF! He'll date the next woman he sees as relationship material. Unfortunately, that won't be you. Your choices are be his FWB until his attention is taken elsewhere or look for a guy who wants to date you.

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Cut off the benefits. Tell him you want to be his friend or GF, nothing in between. Be firm and take a stand. "Almost asked you out" - what BS!!!

 

Seems like a spineless guy to me. Girl, you can do better...!!

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Cookiesandough
Cut off the benefits. Tell him you want to be his friend or GF, nothing in between. Be firm and take a stand. "Almost asked you out" - what BS!!!

 

Seems like a spineless guy to me. Girl, you can do better...!!

 

I agree. You want a relationship. He's had more than enough time to decide if he wants to too and he has said he doesn't. He will string you along as long as he can. The excuses are breadcrumbs to keep placate you into this arrangement. Move on, because once he finds the girl he wants to be with and commit to, and he will, will drop you and refer back to his excuses. And you will be left even more hurt. You have feelings...which means the FWB can't work anymore. You deserve someone who will give you their all.

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No, he's not playing you. He's actually being very clear about not wanting a relationship with you. He's not even suggesting that there may be a chance of it in the future.

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I think he might be scared to get hurt (someone who is close to him told me this). But I also don't know if I should walk away so I can protect myself now, confront him about it, or realize that he really doesn't like me, and I'm reading too much into things.

 

You need a guy who is brave enough to be want to be with you and take a risk in spite of how much he was hurt in past. And believe me, when you meet the right guy he will take the risk. We all have been hurt... we don't use it as an excuse to string someone along.

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nothingsintheflowerz

Thanks for the advice--I realize I can't handle this arrangement at all anymore so I sent him a message about cutting him off. I'll update you guys.

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