Hurt and need some insight

[froggyuk]

I would really appreciate some help and advice, as I am currently feeling quite down about my current situation and don't really have anyone I can talk about it with:

 

I met a girl from tinder and we have been dating for the last two months. I'm 31, she's 29. She has two children (4 & 7) and was married - though she divorced her ex-husband 3 years ago...he lives in a different country has remarried and had a child with his new wife - so I believe they have both completely moved on.

 

Things seemed to be going really well between us, we've done lots of dates together, romantic meals, walks, drinks, days out with her kids etc. and we both seem to like one another, we are intimate partners and I have met her children many times now and I recently met her parents on a night out. All positive signs generally when dating someone.

 

About a month ago, we discussed labelling what we are - and she stated that she does not want to label things - she is happy with keeping it simple and telling her children I am her friend - and I think she felt a bit vulnerable and scared to let a new man into her life. I have totally respected all of that - though I have made it clear that I do want to be with her!

 

For the past week, I have noted that she has been a bit more distant than she usually would be. Her replies to my messages have been significantly slower, once or twice spanning overnight to the next day for her to respond.

 

I went to her place yesterday evening and we watched a film, but she was also wrapping xmas presents so not really with me on the sofa cuddling etc. which we usually would do (she did text me to ask if I minded if she wrapped xmas presents, which I stated was no big deal). I did stay round hers overnight, but I feel like she was not particularly responsive to being touchy feely and "huggy".

 

We were supposed to do something tonight also (go out) and she had the babysitter booked (oddly, she never got back to me a few days back to confirm she had successfully booked the babysitter - I had to ask her about it yesterday when I was round hers, which seemed odd). At 10am today, she text me to say her babysitter has cancelled and that she herself is not feeling great, and can we reschedule. I have respected that, just stating it's a shame, but no worries at all. To which she replied thanking me.

 

Now, I started to feel via her texting over the past few days that she was going a bit distant - in my mind she seemed a bit unresponsive yesterday when I saw her, and then she cancelled our date tonight. I really want this to be a coincidence, but I am starting to think that maybe she wants to stop seeing me..

 

She has said previously that she struggles to express her feelings and I am wondering whether things have been going too well, and that kind of scares her as it is making her vulnerable again. Of course, she may have realised she does not like me, or I have maybe done something. (I think her kids like me, and she has commented that I am good with them - and I think her parents liked me also).

 

I really don't know what to do from here - I think it's best if I give her some space, don't message her and see how she is when she hopefully makes contact with me again.

 

The issue is, I don't generally become invested in someone, but I am truly crazy about this girl, I have developed strong feelings for her and the thought of her being out of my life is devastating to me - I have made myself vulnerable and now I feel I am going to be massively hurt. I already am hurting, as I feel in limbo and uncertain with what is going on.

 

Not really sure what I am expecting from fellow members here, but any insight or advice would be helpful.

 

Many Thanks

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This time of the year can be really stressful for some people, especially those with kids and lots of family commitments. For that reason I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

If you really care about this woman, maybe do something to help lighten her load in some way. Offer to help her with something, surprise her with something that will brighten her day or ask how she is feeling.

 

If that doesn't work, I suggest you back off for a while and give her some space.

[pteromom]

It is too early for you to be "crazy" about her. Because you are still learning who she is. You are wildly attracted to her, and that's ok. But don't make it more than it is at 2 months.

 

There are several possibilities. Could be that she IS losing interest. I mean, that's possible.

 

OR - it could be that she is a single mom of 2 young kids. We moms get tired. We get stressed. Our kids are our priority. We have a lot of stuff to do.

 

If you are going to date a mom, you have to accept that you are not at the top of the priority list. That when there is Christmas gift wrapping to do, there will not be cuddling. (Though you could hop down there and offer to help, even if it is just cutting tape and handing it to her as she needs it.)

 

If you are going to date a mom, you have to accept that if the babysitter cancels, that's it - no date that night.

 

If you are going to date a mom, you have to accept that school projects, sick kids, parent-teacher meetings, going to the school play, and even just spending a night playing a board game with the kids will come before texting you back - ALWAYS.

 

If you become needy to the point where she feels guilty that she isn't meeting all your needs, she WILL end it. Because the last thing she needs is another stress in her life.

 

So the first thing to do is think about what a future with her would look like, and decide whether that works for you. Are you ok with no sex sometimes because there's a kid in bed with you? Are you ok with helping her out while not having ANY say in how she raises or disciplines the kids? Are you ok with watching her deal with the ex, again, while having no say? And most of all, are you ok with coming in lower on her priority list - after the kids, and after her obligations as a homemaker and mom?

 

If the answer is yes, then don't stop contacting her!

 

But - contact her without NEEDING something from her. Just tell her you are thinking about her. To let you know when she is free. Send her something to make her laugh. A photo of something she would appreciate.

 

And let go of the need to constantly get something back. She is stretched thin enough, trust me.

[froggyuk]

Thanks to both posters for your responses.

 

I am trying to appreciate the fact that Christmas is a hectic time of year, particularly for her and the children. Doesn't change the fact that I of course want to see her - but your right I think a lot of this could be down to her commitments as a mother taking priority, and her being tired etc. from it all as she works full time etc.

 

I want to be with her, and I think this recent behaviour from her has scared me in as much as it has made me realise how much I care about her and want to continue to develop something with her.

 

I think I will just let things breathe for a couple of days, and then try to let her know that I am here for her and understand christmas period is busy.

 

To answer the question from ptereomom - I do understand I will always be a low priority, and to be honest I find her being a great mother a very attractive trait! I don't want to be a drain on her - I'm glad you said what you have said! Does actually make me feel a bit better in a weird way, in as much as reminding me that her commitments are massive compared to mine!

[pteromom]

To answer the question from ptereomom - I do understand I will always be a low priority, and to be honest I find her being a great mother a very attractive trait! I don't want to be a drain on her - I'm glad you said what you have said! Does actually make me feel a bit better in a weird way, in as much as reminding me that her commitments are massive compared to mine!

 

You are welcome... you just have to be aware of your level of need, and be honest with yourself about what will make you happy. A mom isn't usually the best choice for a guy who needs a lot of attention and reassurance - but if you are a pretty independent guy who is just as interested in giving as you are in receiving, great! Go forth - don't just give up. Try to consider things from her side, and help when you can.

[froggyuk]

I had said to her that I want to support her and that from my perspective, she is the priority and I think she has appreciated all of that stuff. I think because I like her, naturally I want to be around her all the time, but that's not practical.

 

Interestingly, I actually really do like her kids, I look forward to seeing them when I go round hers - as I said, all of this is something I hope could develop, but we shall see.

 

Pteromom - not sure if you will read this, but if you do, what are your thoughts on christmas gifts. Should I avoid it altogether? just get something for kids? just get something for her? or just a card? lol - it's a minefield.

[froggyuk]

Hi all,

 

So it's been a couple of days, and I'm still struggling with this. I have had no contact from her - which I anticipated. I intend to wait it out over the weekend, and then next week maybe try to call or text her..

 

I do genuinely feel that she is pushing me away for some reason - but the uncertainty is seriously killing me!

 

Would it be a good idea to re-initiate contact after the weekend? and if so, what on earth do I say!?

[ChatroomHero]

Hi all,

 

So it's been a couple of days, and I'm still struggling with this. I have had no contact from her - which I anticipated. I intend to wait it out over the weekend, and then next week maybe try to call or text her..

 

I do genuinely feel that she is pushing me away for some reason - but the uncertainty is seriously killing me!

 

Would it be a good idea to re-initiate contact after the weekend? and if so, what on earth do I say!?

 

Before I read this I was going to say go with your gut and it seemed clear your gut was telling you she was backing off.

 

 

At this point I would say don't get any gifts it would be throwing money away. She is ghosting you. The whole, "Holidays are stressful" are pretty much crap. If you notice most of the people that say that are also posting about all of the fun they are having doing Holiday parties, etc.

 

 

So if she gives you excuses about being stressed about the holidays, I suggest you take it as she would love someone to shop with, party with, go see the light displays with, just not you.

 

 

If it were me my pride would just let her go. She has specifically backed off from your requests to go out and keep in contact. You contacting her to try to get a reason on why she has gone cold will not give you a legit reason for closure. You'll only get frustrating excuses about stress, holidays, kids stuff bla, bla bla that will make you think, "Hey in January when things calm down she'll want to see me again." when I think you know that is probably not true.

 

 

Just my opinion, take it for what it is worth. I just think you already have all the answers to your questions.

[2011]

I would really appreciate some help and advice, as I am currently feeling quite down about my current situation and don't really have anyone I can talk about it with:

 

I met a girl from tinder and we have been dating for the last two months. I'm 31, she's 29. She has two children (4 & 7) and was married - though she divorced her ex-husband 3 years ago...he lives in a different country has remarried and had a child with his new wife - so I believe they have both completely moved on.

 

Things seemed to be going really well between us, we've done lots of dates together, romantic meals, walks, drinks, days out with her kids etc. and we both seem to like one another, we are intimate partners and I have met her children many times now and I recently met her parents on a night out. All positive signs generally when dating someone.

 

About a month ago, we discussed labelling what we are - and she stated that she does not want to label things - she is happy with keeping it simple and telling her children I am her friend - and I think she felt a bit vulnerable and scared to let a new man into her life. I have totally respected all of that - though I have made it clear that I do want to be with her!

 

For the past week, I have noted that she has been a bit more distant than she usually would be. Her replies to my messages have been significantly slower, once or twice spanning overnight to the next day for her to respond.

 

I went to her place yesterday evening and we watched a film, but she was also wrapping xmas presents so not really with me on the sofa cuddling etc. which we usually would do (she did text me to ask if I minded if she wrapped xmas presents, which I stated was no big deal). I did stay round hers overnight, but I feel like she was not particularly responsive to being touchy feely and "huggy".

 

We were supposed to do something tonight also (go out) and she had the babysitter booked (oddly, she never got back to me a few days back to confirm she had successfully booked the babysitter - I had to ask her about it yesterday when I was round hers, which seemed odd). At 10am today, she text me to say her babysitter has cancelled and that she herself is not feeling great, and can we reschedule. I have respected that, just stating it's a shame, but no worries at all. To which she replied thanking me.

 

Now, I started to feel via her texting over the past few days that she was going a bit distant - in my mind she seemed a bit unresponsive yesterday when I saw her, and then she cancelled our date tonight. I really want this to be a coincidence, but I am starting to think that maybe she wants to stop seeing me..

 

She has said previously that she struggles to express her feelings and I am wondering whether things have been going too well, and that kind of scares her as it is making her vulnerable again. Of course, she may have realised she does not like me, or I have maybe done something. (I think her kids like me, and she has commented that I am good with them - and I think her parents liked me also).

 

I really don't know what to do from here - I think it's best if I give her some space, don't message her and see how she is when she hopefully makes contact with me again.

 

The issue is, I don't generally become invested in someone, but I am truly crazy about this girl, I have developed strong feelings for her and the thought of her being out of my life is devastating to me - I have made myself vulnerable and now I feel I am going to be massively hurt. I already am hurting, as I feel in limbo and uncertain with what is going on.

 

Not really sure what I am expecting from fellow members here, but any insight or advice would be helpful.

 

Many Thanks

 

Send her a wee bunch of flowers saying you're thinking of her and end it there. See how she responds.

[2011]

Hi all,

 

So it's been a couple of days, and I'm still struggling with this. I have had no contact from her - which I anticipated. I intend to wait it out over the weekend, and then next week maybe try to call or text her..

 

I do genuinely feel that she is pushing me away for some reason - but the uncertainty is seriously killing me!

 

Would it be a good idea to re-initiate contact after the weekend? and if so, what on earth do I say!?

 

Also just to add to this if you sense she is pulling away then do not initiate contact, I know it an be frustrating but wait and let her place the ball back in your net and see how it goes from there. If she starts reaching out then there is some hope. I'm not saying go no contact at all but wait and see whether she contacts or not.

[TheTraveler]

About a month ago, we discussed labelling what we are - and she stated that she does not want to label things - she is happy with keeping it simple and telling her children I am her friend - and I think she felt a bit vulnerable and scared to let a new man into her life. I have totally respected all of that - though I have made it clear that I do want to be with her!

 

You stated what you want, she said nope lets be friends. You got your answer

 

the past week, I have noted that she has been a bit more distant than she usually would be. Her replies to my messages have been significantly slower, once or twice spanning overnight to the next day for her to respond.

 

She's drifting away

 

 

At 10am today, she text me to say her babysitter has cancelled and that she herself is not feeling great, and can we reschedule. I have respected that, just stating it's a shame, but no worries at all. To which she replied thanking me.

 

Now, I started to feel via her texting over the past few days that she was going a bit distant - in my mind she seemed a bit unresponsive yesterday when I saw her, and then she cancelled our date tonight. I really want this to be a coincidence, but I am starting to think that maybe she wants to stop seeing me..

 

Cancelled dates. Continue the drifting away

 

I really don't know what to do from here

 

Fire up tinder

 

but I am truly crazy about this girl, I have developed strong feelings for her and the thought of her being out of my life is devastating to me

 

You're crazy about her. Guess what? She's not crazy about you

[olivetree]

I agree with the latest posters that she is giving you excuses.

 

She is not sure about you.

 

I think you should listen to you gut and let her reach out to you.

 

If she doesn't pull you closer, you need to move on.