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Did we crush his ego or is he just a sexist jerk?


spaceunicorn

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Just looking for unbiased opinions about this situation...

So I have been dating a guy for over 7 weeks, it was going very well, very into each other, he invited me to a family dinner over thanksgiving weekend. It went well and we saw each other a few times the following week.

 

It starts to go downhill when I ask him if he wants to meet me and a close girl friend for dinner this past saturday night. He shows up and seems a little put out that he's missing a football game and he's definitely not in a great mood and doesn't contribute much to conversation. While he is in the bathroom though my friend does say that he seems super into me because he's always looking at me adoringly when I'm not looking.

 

But throughout the course of dinner his behavior does not improve and it's of course a little embarrassing for me and puts my friend on edge a little and she teased him a lot through the course of the night. Not anything mean, just picking at his taste in music and what not but I think something must have really pissed him off. Towards the end of dinner we get on the topic of him shopping at home depot that day, he goes on a tirade about women with little purse dogs being in his way while he's trying to buy lumber and then says women shouldn't be in there in the first place! Um whaaaat? We thought he was joking at first but he was all "no I'm serious" and went on with more sexist comments. My friend asked him to stop and he just kept going, I then asked him "are you trying to get dumped tonight??" and his reply was "maybe I am".

 

Obviously the night ended on a very bitter note a few minutes after that.

I tried texting a few times on Sunday to figure out what the hell happened and the only response I got was, "Your friend was not nice and you were not that nice either and I did not have a good time with you two. I suppose we both discovered new things about each other."

 

I told him I could see where he was coming from as she did go too far with the teasing and she felt terrible and apologized profusely and that if I was defensive it was because he acted like he didn't want to be there in the first place and the sexist comments just pushed me over the edge. He has yet to respond.

 

I guess my question is, do I bother contacting him again or just let this go? I have got differing opinions from many friends. Some say he is showing his true colors and to forget him, others are saying he was probably in a bad mood but showed up to be supportive/involved and something was said during the dinner that he found very hurtful and he said the sexist things to lash out because he knew it would get a rise out of me.

 

What do you all think?

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I don't think anyone came close to crushing his ego, I don't think he's sexist.

 

He missed a football game, your friend is a taunting bully, and he thinks you shouldn't shop at Home Depot.

 

These are early clues to the new direction.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I would dump him.

 

If he wanted to watch his football game he just had to decline the invitation or offer another night.

 

He's a sexist moron.

 

I don't care if he didn't enjoy himself and he didn't like your friend's teasing a normal person would have kept her smile on and just tell you later the evening wasn't enjoyable to them.

 

All this after 7 weeks? yuk! no thank you.

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Is he an introvert? If he is... this was a bad move to invite another person and to combine to that, to tease him.

 

On the other side he was insecure and reacted in a disrespectful way.

 

This relationship doesn't sound like fireworks and probably will lead to more agruing.

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I don't what and just how your friend got on him, but HE was certainly showing how he truly feels. Of the infinite ways to respond, he chose to respond by with angry, sexist comments. Your friend was no angel, of course, but his response lends light to how he feels about certain things...this was out of anger as well...it was also clear that he was less than friendly himself. I think he's the type of guy who will, again, lash out when he is placed on the defensive. Again, your gf was likely a jerk, but his response does reveal his temperament. Bruised his ego? I don't doubt it.

 

This guy is not worth your trouble.

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He is 34, never married and appears to have most of his act together but I guess his temperament and sexism might be the catch....

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He is 34, never married and appears to have most of his act together but I guess his temperament and sexism might be the catch....

 

At least his temperament. He was put-out b/c he was missing a football game. He's a new bf and he should/could have arrived and sacrficed some of his time for you. He was miffed and his attitude didn't change. I don't want to delve too deeply b/c I don't know this guy, but he likes things his way and when it doesn't happen, he pouts, goes passive aggressive, etc.

 

I'm curious, how exactly did your gf tease him? And during this, how did he respond? Did he wait until he couldn't take it and then just let loose?

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At least his temperament. He was put-out b/c he was missing a football game. He's a new bf and he should/could have arrived and sacrficed some of his time for you. He was miffed and his attitude didn't change. I don't want to delve too deeply b/c I don't know this guy, but he likes things his way and when it doesn't happen, he pouts, goes passive aggressive, etc.

 

I'm curious, how exactly did your gf tease him? And during this, how did he respond? Did he wait until he couldn't take it and then just let loose?

 

I love football and have been at times a terrible BF in that regard, but only 7 weeks in? C'mon. We have DVRs and smart phones now. DVR the game and sneak a couple peeks in the restroom or when she's away but cry like a baby about it this early in the relationship? Huge red flag! This is the tip of the ice berg...

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I even tried to give him an out beforehand and told him if he had other plans or didn't feel up to it, then no worries, we'd have a girls night but he still agreed to come.

She teased him for small things like his taste in music and that he's a music snob that doesn't listen to anything on the radio, we were trying to figure out where to go for dinner and she got onto him for not being helpful. It wasn't anything extreme but I'm sure he found it annoying. She did try to engage him in conversation about his job, etc and he wasn't very forthcoming.

I am just mostly confused because the guy that showed up didn't seem like the guy I've been dating for 2 months but then again I guess I don't know him that well.

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I even tried to give him an out beforehand and told him if he had other plans or didn't feel up to it, then no worries, we'd have a girls night but he still agreed to come.

She teased him for small things like his taste in music and that he's a music snob that doesn't listen to anything on the radio, we were trying to figure out where to go for dinner and she got onto him for not being helpful. It wasn't anything extreme but I'm sure he found it annoying. She did try to engage him in conversation about his job, etc and he wasn't very forthcoming.

I am just mostly confused because the guy that showed up didn't seem like the guy I've been dating for 2 months but then again I guess I don't know him that well.

 

What may seem harmless teasing to you may not seem same to him!!

But again, how he responds back says a lot. If you have already apologized, your job is done. Wait for him to get back.

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We learn the most about someone while out and about and we see them interacting with our friends, family, restaurant staffs etc.

 

If you don't feel like being told to remain in the car while he goes in home depot I suggest you do not pursuit :-)

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Different personalities react to teasing

 

Me? I would tease back harder with smile and laughter. That stuff doesn't bother me one bit.

 

Others, well they definitely may not like that and take something someone says very personable, hence the purse doggy in Home Depot. Heck, I thought it was a funny retort if done with fun delivery/sarcasm:laugh: But, yes he went all the way. He was definitely pissed off

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Yes, I am used to dating guys that can take some playful ribbing and give some back. When we are alone we do this sometimes but I guess having it come from my friend was not cool with him and he felt ganged up on.

Up until now he has been nothing but nice and respectful to me, I know he is a bit shy, so my only dilemma is that I feel bad for hurting his feelings.

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I'm a believer that you have to still be able to tolerate the person when it's a bad day. Is that something you want to live with? He is likely to do this again IMO.

 

I can understand not feeling good about the meeting but if he had grace and tact, he could have overcame it without looking like a rude idiot. I know if I were to do something like that and someone was out of line I might get upset, but I would pull the person I'm seeing to the side to explain it like an adult; not throw a tantrum like a child. If there was something he would have preferred to do, he should have been a grown up and communicated he'd prefer a different date/time.

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Hmmm. While I can handle teasing one on one. Me and my fiancé do it all the time and its funny and fun. That being said, if it's more than one person I can't handle it. I HATE being teased by more than one person, it's like being ganged up on, even if it's with family. Even if its for ribbing or laughing, I don't handle very well. Now I don't get mean, but I do try to get myself out of the situation, and usually tell the person I'm with I'm upset with them.

 

 

Yes, home depot comment about women with dogs in their purses don't belong in home depot. While if he meant women in general don't belong there, that's bull and sexist. Women with dogs in the purses I fully agree, they stand there watch the guys move stuff, and stare at things for hours until they decide, get in line then change their minds. Drives me crazy, and yes when I'm getting lumber and I have a freaking lady asking for help with moving lumber or whatever in the middle of the isle I want to shove the cart up her butt. :p

 

 

 

 

He might of felt ganged up on, he was already po'd missing a game, but he atleast did go for you. Then your friend didn't help the situation. You were most likely laughing with her and telling him it was a joke. He took that personal. I would of stared you down, and if it kept on, I would of left and wouldn't talk to you again.

Edited by eightytwenty
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After such a short time together, this is him on his best behaviour. He is showing you how he approaches life. You can expect the same negative attitude and worse in other situations. And anticipating what his reaction will stress you out.

 

It's such a breath of fresh air to date a guy that is rarely in a bad mood, never takes a bad day out on you, and can take some teasing and dish it right back in a good-natured way.

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I even tried to give him an out beforehand and told him if he had other plans or didn't feel up to it, then no worries, we'd have a girls night but he still agreed to come.

She teased him for small things like his taste in music and that he's a music snob that doesn't listen to anything on the radio, we were trying to figure out where to go for dinner and she got onto him for not being helpful. It wasn't anything extreme but I'm sure he found it annoying. She did try to engage him in conversation about his job, etc and he wasn't very forthcoming.

I am just mostly confused because the guy that showed up didn't seem like the guy I've been dating for 2 months but then again I guess I don't know him that well.

 

Hmmm..... I always say that you can tell a LOT about a person when they get upset. :(

 

Sometimes the things that come out of a person's mouth can reveal a lot about what is in a person's heart.

 

 

With that said.....

 

While I definitely don't condone his misogynistic rant, I DO feel that your friend was being a bit hard on him. :(

 

Honestly, he is a pretty new bf, so maybe he felt a little insecure to begin with meeting your friend. Plus, when you think about it, it's 2 girls against him, and he might have felt a little on-guard just for that reason alone.

 

Put yourself in HIS shoes for a second.... What if you went out with your bf and his best guy friend, and all through the night his guy friend is teasing YOU, making fun of YOUR taste in music, or putting down things you do/like to wear, etc. I know for me personally, not only would I feel kind of miffed that my bf didn't come to my rescue, but I would kind of wonder what kind of friends my bf has tbh. Let's just say, I wouldn't be feeling too hot, and I might even get offended/feel on-guard.

 

 

With that said, I think he should have just stayed home to begin with. It was already obvious that he wanted to stay home and watch the game, so maybe he was just trying to come out for your sake. But when he got ragged on it hurt his pride some. It may have been seen as a sign of disrespect to him. Plus, if he was already in a bad mood, he may have just been more sensitive than usual.

 

He probably felt ganged up on honestly. Men already feel "nervous" around their gf and their best girl friend if you catch my drift.

 

 

 

What may seem harmless teasing to you may not seem same to him!!

But again, how he responds back says a lot. If you have already apologized, your job is done. Wait for him to get back.

 

I agree 100%.

 

What may seem like harmless "teasing" to us as women, may be taken completely differently by men (trust me....:laugh: ).

 

At this rate, since you've already apologized, I'd let it go. See what he says. How he responds to your apology may also say a lot about him.

 

Maybe this is a sign that this relationship may not be the best for either of you. IJS..... I definitely didn't like his comments.

 

Anyone who resorts to misogynistic, bigoted, sexist, or racist comments during an argument/jab is definitely not someone I want to be dating. It's one thing to get upset (we all get upset at one point in time or another), but when you resort to those types of comments so freely like that, it tells me what is really in your heart, and he may do it again.

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He contacted me last night and said he's not really sure what he wants to do and is going out of town camping this weekend and maybe he'll know when he gets back. I told him, well I'm not exactly sure either, perhaps when you get back we can have a face to face talk. Take some space and contact me then. His reply was, "this is just a ****ty situation, I'm sorry"

So I don't know.

Thank you for everyone's thoughtful responses, you all have given me a lot to ponder until I hear from him again....if I hear from him again. I'm not going to spend my weekend stressing about it. ;)

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That being said, if it's more than one person I can't handle it. I HATE being teased by more than one person, it's like being ganged up on, even if it's with family.

 

I hate it too... "friends" have at times totally ruined trips for me by ganging up to tease me. I dont react well to "insulting" teasing... and some people pick on that and tease me no end... and when I get pissed off, they blame ME for not having a sense of humor.

You cannot blame someone else for not enjoying YOUR sense of humor... which is based on putting someone down. I just do not like it. So if your "BF" is like me he must have been completely put off and hence reacted in a way that you felt was wrong... when you and your friend actually started the whole episode. I think thats a wrong friend to introduce a new BF to who you are just getting to know. And some people do not enjoy being teased by strangers.

Could he have reacted in a different way? Sure. I am actually trying to work on being more patient with such people who try to tease others by making insulting jokes and many times I am fine these days but if I am already not in a good mood, like he was that day due to missing the game, I have no patience then and can explode... and hit them where it hurts the most...LOL.. which in your case were his sexist comments... just to shut them up!!!

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And to answer your question:

"Did we crush his ego or is he just a sexist jerk?"

 

My answer is - Neither. He is just someone who cannot deal with insulting "jokes" patiently... that's his weak point (due to whatever reasons)... and you hit him there.

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Ya honestly I think he felt ganged up on at a dinner he was doing in support of you and just hit the Go F*** Yourself level of exasperation. Shame it came out like that. Your comment about "do you want to get dumped tonight" was the thing that prolly sent him all the way over the edge.

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It sounds to me like he was not sold on you. He went out with you and gave it the old college try with you and your friend, but when she started teasing he probably pushed the envelope to get you to dump him.

 

Not that he didn't like you or have interest at one point but it sounds like he was on the fence, agreed to go on the date, but then realized he would have rather watched the game. I think his last response about not knowing what he wanted to do before going out of town was just the start of him ghosting you.

 

You said he was in a bad mood to begin with. When I was younger I wouldn't miss the Lions game no matter how bad they were. If someone tried to schedule something, nope, it was the main thing I looked forward to. If there was a girl I had interest in, I wouldn't think twice and would happily go out with her and miss the game. His bad mood was him thinking twice due to low interest.

 

His comment about it being a crappy situation seems like a backdoor apology because he knew he acted crappy but he did so because he wanted out...like I feel bad because you are nice but I don't want to see you so I'm OK if you are pissed and dump me.

 

I'm just curious if you felt like you were more invested than him at any point before this date at all. If so I'd be fairly certain he lost interest and that was his 'last try' so to speak .

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I'm a late comer to the conversation but I wanted to add a few things.

 

We never know what experiences people have that they bring to present relationships. When I was in middle school/junior high, I was picked on/bullied mercilessly. I mean, I literally feared for my safety on many occasions. It stopped in High School. Strangely, when I got to college it picked up again when I had a couple "friends" that made a sport out of teasing and even humiliating me in front of others. I eventually cut them out of my life.

 

Anyway, for quite a while I HATED being teased. I had it up to here with it! I eventually got over it and I recognize good natured teasing as just that. But it took quite a while.

 

I don't know if this applies to him or not, but being a shy guy, who knows, maybe he was bullied or picked on a lot growing up.

 

Guys are too often expected to be stoic, who never get their feelings hurt and are always strong. This stoic facade can be exhausting to maintain.

 

His lash out about women at HD had nothing to do with women with small dogs. It was indirectly meant for the two of you. It was a big "F" You.

 

I won't excuse it but at the same time I can understand the intensity that goes with hating being teased. Personally, I wish he had just excused himself, went home, and watched the rest of the game.

 

He may want to continue the relationship but I would be surprized if he does. Good luck!

Edited by bachdude
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