My boyfriend is married!!! Just found out... :(

[kckc]

Okay, separated, but still married. And he lied to me, we are officially together since April this year, met at work last year and no one, him, his parents, our colleagues didn't tell me... I found out by accident, just heard his conversation with his mother if he finally told me about his wife. They are separated since March last year and the reason why they didn't decide to divorce was a mortgage and a baby, when he left a baby was just 4 months old. He reassured me that he doesn't love her anymore and will fill for divorce next week as he's sure about it and he wants to prove me that he only wants to be with me. He apologized that he kept it quiet for so long, but was just scared I wouldn't want to be with him if I knew. He mentioned he knows that it was a huge mistake and if he only could turn back time he would tell me. I met his mom and whole family, he didn't keep me as secret, everyone knows we are together... but I still can't process the fact he has a wife already and that he lied to me since the beginning of our relationship... I know he meant well, but it just a bad sign for me. I don't know what to think about it. I said I just want him to leave me alone as I need to process it. I love him very much and I know he's the one... What would you do if you were me? Maybe I'm overreacting...

[dpass]

That is a huge thing that he hid. What else is he hiding? Of course he just happens to be signing the papers... right after you found out.

 

Like the saying goes, he's not sorry he did it - he's sorry he got caught.

[BDJ_1]

Did you know he had a child?

[Formerfiveo]

Whoa!

 

For one, I'd tell him not to contact you until he has divorce papers in hand. Period.

 

But do you really want to be with someone who lies to you?

 

How long were they together? When did he leave her? Was she pregnant when he left her? Are you ready to be a step parent? What about financial issues like mortgage, child support and possible alimony?

 

How old is he?

[kismetkismet]

Did you know about the baby? How much does he communicate with the mother of his child? Did you know that she existed, just not that they were married?

 

I agree, those are huge things to hide. The level of secrecy does impact it though.. like if you knew that he was with that woman and had a baby with her and you just thought that they were already separated that is one thing. If you didn't even know that he had a baby or recent relationship at all, then that would make me question the whole foundation of our relationship.

 

It's still a huge thing to leave out though either way, and the fact that you got into a relationship just one month after they separated would worry me a bit as well (or was it the year prior?). I think you're right to take some time to process it, and that the two of you need to have some pretty serious conversations.

[kckc]

What else is he hiding?

 

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking about, it wasn't difficult to tell me. The truth is I wouldn't want to be with him if I knew he's married but I think he should tell me, like I have a right to know and decide...

Of course he just happens to be signing the papers... right after you found out.

Like the saying goes, he's not sorry he did it - he's sorry he got caught.

 

I believe he would do it soon, but he would probably still lie...

 

I don't know what to do, what to think... I do believe him, but... he should've told me

[kckc]

Did you know he had a child?

 

Yeah I did, I know the baby, we spend time together. He just told me that they were engaged and broke up. He never wanted to talk about his wife... Now I know why.

[joseb]

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[BluesPower]

Ask him to get a certified copy of the divorce petition and put it in your hands.

 

Then, don't see him again until he does. You should have your answer in about 2 weeks.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yes KcKc like others said that is a pretty big lie to overcome, I don't think I'd be able to trust him after that. Sure people make mistakes and people sometimes omit certain things until the trust is there but that is huge. It's not so much that he is separated and you couldn't form a relationship with a separated guy but the fact he hid it from you and entrapped you.

 

How do you feel?

[kckc]

Whoa!

 

For one, I'd tell him not to contact you until he has divorce papers in hand. Period.

 

But do you really want to be with someone who lies to you?

 

How long were they together? When did he leave her? Was she pregnant when he left her? Are you ready to be a step parent? What about financial issues like mortgage, child support and possible alimony?

 

How old is he?

 

They were together for five years, just a year married when they got separated. When he left her a baby was 4 months old, I know about his baby and I meet her very often. Mortgage, child support and possible alimony... that's something I am not worried about, I mean he needs to deal with it on his own. We both have a good job and always pay for ourselves. We don't live together, we don't share a bank account. It's his problem really. He's 30.

[kckc]

Ask him to get a certified copy of the divorce petition and put it in your hands.

 

Then, don't see him again until he does. You should have your answer in about 2 weeks.

 

This might be the best option...

[morrowrd]

It's just a bad way to begin a relationship, he was being selfish. He wanted to date, and probably felt that lying about his marital status increased his odds of success. That meant that he didn't give you the opportunity to know upfront, and if you had a moral code you followed, say against dating men that were not divorced, he was able to get around that by omitting a key detail he knows you would have wanted to have.

 

Fixing things now that you know the truth, is hollow.

 

You'll have to decide for yourself if you can live with this kind of deception.

[kckc]

Yes KcKc like others said that is a pretty big lie to overcome, I don't think I'd be able to trust him after that. Sure people make mistakes and people sometimes omit certain things until the trust is there but that is huge. It's not so much that he is separated and you couldn't form a relationship with a separated guy but the fact he hid it from you and entrapped you.

 

How do you feel?

 

He disappointed my trust, it just came as a bolt from the blue, popped up out of nowhere... I'm overwhelmed. The fact that he hid it is the worst. It will affect our future, we can't be even legally married now as he already is married. This fact changed everything... Maybe I need more time, we are a good couple, never argue, have so much in common, met our families... I have a very special bond with his mom... I might just go and talk to her actually. I think I need it.

[so gutted]

These types are everywhere. A lot of seperated men are out there lying and leading us on. Walk away - fast. He will not change.

[BDJ_1]

Yeah I did, I know the baby, we spend time together. He just told me that they were engaged and broke up. He never wanted to talk about his wife... Now I know why.

 

So he didn't lie by omitting the truth (i.e. just didn't tell you he was married), he actively lied by telling you they were engaged and broke up when they were actually married. Both are bad but his approach is worse. I'd take this as precedent for how he will deal with you about things he thinks you won't like. I wouldn't put up with that.

[Larryville]

A lot of seperated men are out there lying and leading us on.

 

If you think the issue only applies to lying men, you are seriously mistaken.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am in a very similar situation. I found out after about 3 months. In my case, his lie was that he said he was divorced when in fact he was just separated. He also didn't hide me from anyone, his friends or family. Even his (ex) wife knew we were dating.

 

I initially ended it and blocked him on everything. He begged and pleaded, sent me stuff through work. Eventually, I agreed to talk to him. He said that he wants to be with me more than anything and will do whatever it takes to earn my trust. I asked for divorce papers and to speak to his (ex) wife. After speaking to her and verifying some dates and details, I found it consistent with his story. He has also filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. I saw the evidence.

 

I hesitantly gave him another chance. To complicate things, his (ex) wife wants him back and is interfering in our relationship (they have children together). Lots of drama and I have been on the verge of walking away. I will still likely end up doing that. I do feel a very strong connection to him and don't want to live with any regrets. All my friends and family have been 100% against me giving him another chance

 

Good luck with your decision.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Eternal Sunshine

[kckc]

I am in a very similar situation. I found out after about 3 months. In my case, his lie was that he said he was divorced when in fact he was just separated. He also didn't hide me from anyone, his friends or family. Even his (ex) wife knew we were dating.

 

I initially ended it and blocked him on everything. He begged and pleaded, sent me stuff through work. Eventually, I agreed to talk to him. He said that he wants to be with me more than anything and will do whatever it takes to earn my trust. I asked for divorce papers and to speak to his (ex) wife. After speaking to her and verifying some dates and details, I found it consistent with his story. He has also filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. I saw the evidence.

 

I hesitantly gave him another chance. To complicate things, his (ex) wife wants him back and is interfering in our relationship (they have children together). Lots of drama and I have been on the verge of walking away. I will still likely end up doing that. I do feel a very strong connection to him and don't want to live with any regrets. All my friends and family have been 100% against me giving him another chance

 

Good luck with your decision.

 

What is wrong with those guys! I am sorry you go through this... How did you feel about giving him a second chance? Do you regret it? Does he want to get back with his wife, too?

[kckc]

Did you know about the baby? How much does he communicate with the mother of his child? Did you know that she existed, just not that they were married?

 

I agree, those are huge things to hide. The level of secrecy does impact it though.. like if you knew that he was with that woman and had a baby with her and you just thought that they were already separated that is one thing. If you didn't even know that he had a baby or recent relationship at all, then that would make me question the whole foundation of our relationship.

 

It's still a huge thing to leave out though either way, and the fact that you got into a relationship just one month after they separated would worry me a bit as well (or was it the year prior?). I think you're right to take some time to process it, and that the two of you need to have some pretty serious conversations.

 

Just seen this. Asking your question about his communication with the wife, they only get in touch about the baby. She lives in a different city located about 45 miles away. They got separated in March 2015, we are together since about April this year. We met at work when I started working at the same place in May 2015 and became a really good friends. We instantly clicked. Hope now it's all clear.

[elaine567]

Maybe I need more time, we are a good couple, never argue, have so much in common, met our families... I have a very special bond with his mom... I might just go and talk to her actually. I think I need it.

Maybe, but she didn't choose to fill you in with the details either...

[kckc]

Maybe, but she didn't choose to fill you in with the details either...

 

She didn't want to do it on his behalf. She wanted HIM to do it, she was forcing him to, I've heard what she said (that she can't keep this secret anymore). I remember when she mentioned once that my bf has something very important to tell me and I should ask him. I simply ignored it as I was busy and she never mentioned it again. I just realized it now...

[kckc]

I should go to sleep though, but I can't stop thinking about it...

[Gaeta]

kckc: I know it sounds like a huge negative news but you need to calm down. It's not the end of the world. When he met you if he had explained his divorced was not final but he was starting procedure with the fact he had been separated for a year, I doubt you would not have dated him.

 

You have been dating for 8 months I think it's a bit rushed to be crying over you cannot get married with him. It's not like the Church is already reserved for you 2 right?

 

That being said my problem with this man is that he abandoned a wife and a new born baby of 4 months. That would be much harder for me to over look but if it's not an issue for you I am not going to insist.

 

To me if all appears they are over each other the divorce is a technicality.

 

Yes he lied. That part is bad but not unforgivable depending on the relationship you've had so far and the transparency you have had over other aspects.

 

We all make mistakes and it depends why these mistakes were made. I doubt he wanted to mislead you or wanted to use you with his lie. I believe he was worried of your reaction. It does not justify lying but I don't think he deserves his head cut off for it.

[CryForNoOne]

kckc: I know it sounds like a huge negative news but you need to calm down. It's not the end of the world. When he met you if he had explained his divorced was not final but he was starting procedure with the fact he had been separated for a year, I doubt you would not have dated him.

 

You have been dating for 8 months I think it's a bit rushed to be crying over you cannot get married with him. It's not like the Church is already reserved for you 2 right?

 

That being said my problem with this man is that he abandoned a wife and a new born baby of 4 months. That would be much harder for me to over look but if it's not an issue for you I am not going to insist.

 

To me if all appears they are over each other the divorce is a technicality.

 

Yes he lied. That part is bad but not unforgivable depending on the relationship you've had so far and the transparency you have had over other aspects.

 

We all make mistakes and it depends why these mistakes were made. I doubt he wanted to mislead you or wanted to use you with his lie. I believe he was worried of your reaction. It does not justify lying but I don't think he deserves his head cut off for it.

 

I completely agree with this. Everyone deserves a second chance unless we're talking murder or something and this is not. Draw the line, be clear it can never happen again, and give him a second chance. If something like this happens again, clean break.