Amazing GF says I don't share deep feelings or past

[biker23]

I'm in a great relationship of 3 months. We just got back from a week vacation which was amazing and certainly a good test of compatibility to live together 24/7.

 

We are both around 40. I'm 2 years out of a long marriage and she was married briefly when young but engaged 3 times since but not married again. Multiple passionate long term relationships. While I've had my marriage which was failing for years so no passion. I mention this for background.

 

One thing I love about her is she is of very high character and challenges me. But that challenge is also a challenge. Let me explain. She feels I talk about and share topics that are very on the surface. Hobbies. Food. Wine. Travel. We have had many awkward moments when she will ask 'what do I want' (I'm a logical engineer so I struggle with that. Does she mean in a mate or career or life or ? ) so when i struggle to answer she says it seems like I am just goIng through life day by day. Not true as I'm a successful businessman that runs a company. And I know what I want in a woman but apparently I suck at vocalizing it. She says it's hard for her when she asks me these tough questions and I struggle to answer. Like I'm hiding or refusing to open up to her. Which is frustrating to me. I think maybe I'm trying to say the perfect thing or overthinking or maybe even worried I'll say the 'wrong' thing. Why is this so hard?

She mentioned last night that she knows very little about my ex or marriage or past. We've talked some on it but I'll answer anything. She just wants deep conversation and not have to ask so many questions. Just talk she says! In my mind I think ok how do I bring up my past casually. Talk about the courtship wth my ex and how the marriage progressed. What I learned. Etc. Doesn't seem like casual things to bring up. Or I'm concerned something from my past will trigger something negative unintentionally or maybe be judged. I'm not sure. Sometimes we will drive with silence. I don't always have to have conversation and we are comfortable in it but I guess that is when I can talk about these topics? She wants to see/hear passion and says I can be boring. Again challenging me as she also said durIng our trip that she hasn't been this happy in years. Very flattering.

It seems she wants and desires the next level and is challenging me to meet her there. I want that badly but I'm frustrated with myself with this communication. I'm an outgoing extrovert person but apparently struggle vocalizing.

 

Advice? She says she is used to guy's that basically state what they want and actually say they want marriage and kids etc. Try to lock her down. I find that unrealistic. It's a playboy who states this in a few months. I want a serious relationship and yes potential marriage but how can I state that I want that now?

 

One more thing. We talked about how morals are important. So she asked me what are morals. Again going deeper. This is over dinner and wine. Casual discussion. :/

Edited December 4, 2016 by biker23

[Redhead14]

I'm in a great relationship of 3 months. We just got back from a week vacation which was amazing and certainly a good test of compatibility to live together 24/7.

 

We are both around 40. I'm 2 years out of a long marriage and she was married briefly when young but engaged 3 times since but not married again. Multiple passionate long term relationships. While I've had my marriage which was failing for years so no passion. I mention this for background.

 

One thing I love about her is she is of very high character and challenges me. But that challenge is also a challenge. Let me explain. She feels I talk about and share topics that are very on the surface. Hobbies. Food. Wine. Travel. We have had many awkward moments when she will ask 'what do I want' (I'm a logical engineer so I struggle with that. Does she mean in a mate or career or life or ? ) so when i struggle to answer she says it seems like I am just goIng through life day by day. Not true as I'm a successful businessman that runs a company. And I know what I want in a woman but apparently I suck at vocalizing it. She says it's hard for her when she asks me these tough questions and I struggle to answer. Like I'm hiding or refusing to open up to her. Which is frustrating to me. I think maybe I'm trying to say the perfect thing or overthinking or maybe even worried I'll say the 'wrong' thing. Why is this so hard?

She mentioned last night that she knows very little about my ex or marriage or past. We've talked some on it but I'll answer anything. She just wants deep conversation and not have to ask so many questions. Just talk she says! In my mind I think ok how do I bring up my past casually. Talk about the courtship wth my ex and how the marriage progressed. What I learned. Etc. Doesn't seem like casual things to bring up. Or I'm concerned something from my past will trigger something negative unintentionally or maybe be judged. I'm not sure. Sometimes we will drive with silence. I don't always have to have conversation and we are comfortable in it but I guess that is when I can talk about these topics? She wants to see/hear passion and says I can be boring. Again challenging me as she also said durIng our trip that she hasn't been this happy in years. Very flattering.

It seems she wants and desires the next level and is challenging me to meet her there. I want that badly but I'm frustrated with myself with this communication. I'm an outgoing extrovert person but apparently struggle vocalizing.

 

Advice? She says she is used to guy's that basically state what they want and actually say they want marriage and kids etc. Try to lock her down. I find that unrealistic. It's a playboy who states this in a few months. I want a serious relationship and yes potential marriage but how can I state that I want that now?

 

One more thing. We talked about how morals are important. So she asked me what are morals. Again going deeper. This is over dinner and wine. Casual discussion. :/

 

She told you straight up what she wanted from you. So, if you care for her as much as you say, you need to tell her that and you need to tell her that you are looking for a serious relationship for yourself as a goal. You may not be able to say that you want that with her at the moment, but you can tell her that you are seeing her as someone who has potential for you and want to continue exploring that possibility with her by being exclusive and sharing information about yourself so that she has the full picture about you so that she can properly evaluate what you have to offer her and be able to make a decision for herself about you.

 

She can't evaluate someone as a potential long-term partner without having "input" from you about "who you are", etc. Start opening up. You cannot develop a meaningful, emotional connection without sharing on that level. If you can't do that with/for her, you need to re-evaluate your feelings for her and/or run the risk of being labelled emotionally unavailable.

Edited December 4, 2016 by Redhead14

[GemmaUK]

It's really hard to ask the right questions - it's hard work!

 

I am sure that if I asked you to tell me the story of your day yesterday you could and would.

 

But how can I ask the story of September 13th 2010?

I might not have the right date that things happened. If I got the wrong date and my question was wrong I wouldn't learn anything would I?!

 

Open up.

Tell your story - that is all she wants.

Without it she doesn't know you.

[Gaeta]

I don't believe on this mambo jumbo sharing your past. You can give her a summarize of your past marriage but the details belong to you and your ex-wife. Some people think talking about their respective past is 'connecting'. It's not, connecting is about the present, not the past that you experienced with someone else. When you were married it was another time and another place, you are a different person now and would handle it differently if a same situation would present.

 

I don't share my past with my BF and he doesn't share his. He is 49 today so what the heck earning about his divorce when he was 30 is gonna contribute to our relationship today?

 

Your girlfriend sounds inexperienced. Three broken engagements? that should tell you something. She invests herself too fast and can't take it long term.

 

Remain yourself. You don't think sharing the dirty details of your past marriage is useful than keep it to yourself. I would not share with a man I dated 3 months what I have been through in my past marriage. No freakin way!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I understand what she means. I was with a guy last year that was similar. He would answer the questions I asked but he never shared anything about his past himself. Our conversation was limited on day to day stuff and I was unable to connect on a deeper level. I tried everything, including randomly talking about my own past but he was never comfortable in reciprocating. I never got a sense of who he really is past this one dimensional generic character. I never really fell in love with him due to this and it was a deal breaker. I gave him close to 8 months but I didn't feel there was much progress.

 

This is a very personal preference. I would much, much rather date an over-sharer that somewhat lacks a filter. That's how I connect. I want to know details, thoughts, feelings, past, everything. I don't care if what he says is sometimes inappropriate. If your gf is like me, and you are naturally not that type of person, it will be a very tough hurdle to overcome.

[Gaeta]

BF and I have meaningful conversations all the time about our moral values, our dreams, our struggle, our fears, our spiritual belief, and so on. All this existing in the present, we don't need to go fetch in our past to connect as if the present was not rich enough to feed your connection and conversation.

 

Actually it may be your problem. Your present isn't rich enough to connect over.

[biker23]

BF and I have meaningful conversations all the time about our moral values, our dreams, our struggle, our fears, our spiritual belief, and so on. All this existing in the present, we don't need to go fetch in our past to connect as if the present was not rich enough to feed your connection and conversation.

 

Actually it may be your problem. Your present isn't rich enough to connect over.

 

I have no concerns about sharing the past. I think I just need to bring it up and talk about it which will then develop a conversation on life. That's all good.

 

I do think she needs and wants to hear what I want in terms of her. It's a surprise to me but I think she needs some validation of my feelings and intent beyond the daily I love you etc.

 

But I'm intrigued in your statement above. I understand dreams and fears etc. But often meaningful conversations on morals? We talked how important they are and what they mean to us. But to discuss that again? Can you give an example? That may sound odd but I have the feelings and content but for some reason struggle on how you would continue to discuss it.

 

I've been in many serious relationships and not had these challenges. I feel it's a good sign because of the type of woman she is. To have the strength to ask the questions. That others may feel are dramatic or instead just keep it internal.

[Gaeta]

I do think she needs and wants to hear what I want in terms of her. It's a surprise to me but I think she needs some validation of my feelings and intent beyond the daily I love you etc.

Have you shared ILYs? if so than she wants to know what's in your belly. I personally will not tell a man I love him unless I envision myself with him for the rest of my life. My ILY are dead serious. Maybe that is where she is coming from.

 

But I'm intrigued in your statement above. I understand dreams and fears etc. But often meaningful conversations on morals? We talked how important they are and what they mean to us. But to discuss that again? Can you give an example? That may sound odd but I have the feelings and content but for some reason struggle on how you would continue to discuss it.

Every day or almost we come across opportunities to speak about our moral values.

 

Trumps election was a perfect example of that. BF and I got an opportunity to share our values on abortion, death sentences, gay marriages, how much government should intrude in people's life.

 

Yesterday my cousin married a woman he met 3 months ago, again another opportunity to discuss our relationship expectations.

 

My best friend has euthanized her dog of 9 years because she didn't want to spend $500 on the dog's medical bills, I was appalled by her actions when I know she can afford traveling to Mexico 3 times a year. This opened a conversation between BF and I and he learn that I spent 3K on my dog's medical bills last year and this is who I am, I will not negotiate on my dog's health.

 

The list of subjects brought up each day that gives us opportunity to discuss our personal values is endless.

 

I don't need to know what my BF did with his sick dog 10 years ago. I need to know he will support me today in any expense I may encounter to take care of his health.

[Versacehottie]

i get what she means to some extent: she just wants to be more emotionally intimate and connected via knowing your thoughts--so to do that you gotta let her in. On the other hand, if she insists TOO MUCH or tries to control too much when you are trying to get to that point, well than she is not just letting you be you. She has to allow you the chance to LEARN how to open up and space and time to feel comfortable doing it. At a certain point if she is pushing too much or doesn't feel what you've done is adequate well than unfortunately you two are not as compatible as you both think. Good luck

[bachdude]

Gads she sounds intense!

 

I agree completely with Gaeta. For the love of Pete, why would I want to relive the past of my ex wife and her infidelity, divorce, blah, blah, blah??? Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful evening of connecting! I'd rather visit my dentist have my molars pulled, thank you.

 

And personally, my experience of sharing about my past relationships only results in more questions, and more questions as she thinks about what I said. It always backfires and doesn't result in more closeness but even tension. Yuk!

 

And I think there is a hint of shaming here when she says things like, "It just seems like you are going from day to day". That's insulting. And she calls you boring? Gee, she sounds like a blast!

 

Personally, I don't like a woman who pressures me to open up. I feel like they are trying to change me. I have been with women who I open up very naturally to. They just had a way about them that resulted in me feeling very comfortable. But pressure sucks.

 

Sorry, man if I sound harsh towards your GF. But she wouldn't be for me. Sorry.

[introverted1]

 

We are both around 40. I'm 2 years out of a long marriage and she was married briefly when young but engaged 3 times since but not married again. Multiple passionate long term relationships. While I've had my marriage which was failing for years so no passion. I mention this for background.

 

Advice? She says she is used to guy's that basically state what they want and actually say they want marriage and kids etc. Try to lock her down. I find that unrealistic. It's a playboy who states this in a few months. I want a serious relationship and yes potential marriage but how can I state that I want that now?

 

 

I have a slightly different take. It sounds to me that she wants you to also "lock her down," although, based on her history, it doesn't necessarily seem that this will be reciprocated.

 

She wants to see/hear passion and says I can be boring.

 

Sounds like she feeds on the passion that occurs early in a relationship and then fades out once things settle into more of a day-to-day pattern.

 

Are you sure this is what YOU want?

[biker23]

I have a slightly different take. It sounds to me that she wants you to also "lock her down," although, based on her history, it doesn't necessarily seem that this will be reciprocated.

 

 

 

Sounds like she feeds on the passion that occurs early in a relationship and then fades out once things settle into more of a day-to-day pattern.

 

Are you sure this is what YOU want?

 

I do believe she wants to be locked down and the passion that surrounds it. For example last night at dinner I started to say that I've never felt this way about someone but I paused...she said Say It! dont hold back, just say it! (yes intense but cute and fun also...had to be there) so I did...I let it loose. I was holding back a bit because of concerns about just opening myself up and I guess being vulnerable. But she absolutely loved it. Did she love it because she feels the same or was it validation or ego boost. I'd go with the former but who wouldnt

 

she reciprocates feelings...we have talked some on her past relationships. One in particular is a sore spot that I wont go into. But she's had relationships for 3-5 years to find out secrets like he had a baby mama and other infidelities.

 

I think she is trying very hard to not fall too hard if she isnt certain my intent. Wants to try to understand me and this is holding her back at times from full immersion.

 

On the initial passion vs. long term. We've talked about that and honestly have taken this very very slowly. without details in most of my relationships intimacy is very quick. Not so here, it was quite awhile but even better for it.

 

I guess I'm still looking for advice on how to open up on broad emotional / future discussions. LIke what do I want...etc. I'm leaning towards trying to categorize it...like what do I want from her. from career...life...dreams..etc.

[ElizabethIII]

I don't believe on this mambo jumbo sharing your past. You can give her a summarize of your past marriage but the details belong to you and your ex-wife. Some people think talking about their respective past is 'connecting'. It's not, connecting is about the present, not the past that you experienced with someone else. When you were married it was another time and another place, you are a different person now and would handle it differently if a same situation would present.

 

I don't share my past with my BF and he doesn't share his. He is 49 today so what the heck earning about his divorce when he was 30 is gonna contribute to our relationship today?

 

Your girlfriend sounds inexperienced. Three broken engagements? that should tell you something. She invests herself too fast and can't take it long term.

 

Remain yourself. You don't think sharing the dirty details of your past marriage is useful than keep it to yourself. I would not share with a man I dated 3 months what I have been through in my past marriage. No freakin way!

 

I agree. I wouldn't share deep feelings with someone of three months anyway and a brief summary of the relationship break up reason is all anyone gets.

 

Its the past and no ones business.

[Gr8fuln2020]

...engaged 3 times since but not married again. Multiple passionate long term relationships.

 

Hmmm...This is most peculiar. I don't like this at all and personallly, would wonder why. Good luck with this. I agree with some others. Knowing one's past doesn't necessarily mean better connection. It only is relevant if it continues to affect the present/future.

[winny]

Gads she sounds intense!

 

I agree completely with Gaeta. For the love of Pete, why would I want to relive the past of my ex wife and her infidelity, divorce, blah, blah, blah??? Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful evening of connecting! I'd rather visit my dentist have my molars pulled, thank you.

 

And personally, my experience of sharing about my past relationships only results in more questions, and more questions as she thinks about what I said. It always backfires and doesn't result in more closeness but even tension. Yuk!

 

And I think there is a hint of shaming here when she says things like, "It just seems like you are going from day to day". That's insulting. And she calls you boring? Gee, she sounds like a blast!

 

Personally, I don't like a woman who pressures me to open up. I feel like they are trying to change me. I have been with women who I open up very naturally to. They just had a way about them that resulted in me feeling very comfortable. But pressure sucks.

 

Sorry, man if I sound harsh towards your GF. But she wouldn't be for me. Sorry.

 

Me too, I don't like her... sorry. She sounds too much of work.

It's just been 3 months!!! She seems to think she is too good for you and somehow looks down upon you because of something which SHE thinks is the right way to do relationships. You have been in a more longer and stable relationship than her so you don't need to prove anything to her.

[smackie9]

ya I get it....she is looking for validation through your vulnerability. She wants to feel that you can trust her with your deepest darkest blah blah blah. I guess that is what gets her motor running and gets that emotional connection she craves. BUT egad it's only been 3 months......

 

Makes me wonder why all her engagements were dismissed tho. Maybe she jumped in too quickly, things were too intense that the red flags and incompatibilities were over looked...

 

You are right, it's better to spend the time to get to know someone, enjoy the buildup, and don't loose sight of your expectations.

 

How about just telling her what you told us...make a compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

[biker23]

ya I get it....she is looking for validation through your vulnerability. She wants to feel that you can trust her with your deepest darkest blah blah blah. I guess that is what gets her motor running and gets that emotional connection she craves. BUT egad it's only been 3 months......

 

Makes me wonder why all her engagements were dismissed tho. Maybe she jumped in too quickly, things were too intense that the red flags and incompatibilities were over looked...

 

You are right, it's better to spend the time to get to know someone, enjoy the buildup, and don't loose sight of your expectations.

 

How about just telling her what you told us...make a compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

 

Thanks for this. We definitely spent the time to get to know each other. Plus we dated for 2 month a year ago very casually so starting again 3.5 months ago feels like more time. We started off where we left off. If that helps explain the seriousness so quickly. But we also both see long term potential and she's scared of the unknown. She has been with guys that seemed awesome only to be very bad people. Cheaters. Narcisstic. I applaud her for pulling the plug while most would overlook something because of the past and how far they already were.

 

Anyway we met up early this week and I wanted to talk about this concern. I said I was concerned at her statement that I seem to talk superficially. She jumped right in and said she didn't mean it negatively or judging then went into a story. I had to circle back and state it bothered me as I don't mean it that way. She made a soft comment that's it's a choice based on how deep someone wants to go in a relationship. (Ouch) I moved on to state how serious I was in this relationship and didn't want her to feel I was hiding or purposefully holding back. Which maybe I am unconsciously as to not be judged or have something from my past unintentionally screw this up. Well she loved the validation and the discussion. We left it very positively saying we love each other.

 

Now I have to follow up by being more open and challenge her as well. Seems like it should be easy as I'm a good communicatior but I get a bit tongue tied around her sometimes which is very rare for me.

[Miss Peach]

I read your story as she's trying to get a better sense of you and what things will look like for you and her.

 

FWIW I like to put everything on the table and that is what I look for. It makes me feel more trusting and connected.

 

She made a soft comment that's it's a choice based on how deep someone wants to go in a relationship. (Ouch) I moved on to state how serious I was in this relationship and didn't want her to feel I was hiding or purposefully holding back. Which maybe I am unconsciously as to not be judged or have something from my past unintentionally screw this up. Well she loved the validation and the discussion. We left it very positively saying we love each other.

 

Now I have to follow up by being more open and challenge her as well. Seems like it should be easy as I'm a good communicatior but I get a bit tongue tied around her sometimes which is very rare for me.

 

I can understand this. Especially if she's used to dating narcs and other EU guys. She's wanting to make sure she can get a deep connection with with.

[elaine567]

... she's had relationships for 3-5 years to find out secrets like he had a baby mama and other infidelities.

 

That's the problem right there. She needs you to open up so that she can assess and evaluate your credibility.

She probably spent/wasted time with guys who gave no indication of who they actually were. They only discussed the weather, their job, music, films, sex, the grocery shop, whose turn it is to take out the garbage... etc. and she was thus completely blind-sided when they cheated or produced the baby mamma. The relationship worked on a superficial level, but she never really KNEW them.

Due to her past, she wants to fast forward to the deep stuff, so that she doesn't waste another 3 years with a guy she knows very little about.

She is sensing the same mmay happen with you when you discuss "Hobbies. Food. Wine. Travel." and fail to get down to a deeper "emotional" level. She wants to know if you are indeed capable of opening up and being an open book for her.

She doesn't want to be hurt yet again.

 

Your passionless marriage and your pragmatic and factually based career choice, will probably mean you are out of touch with your deep feelings and that is why it is so difficult for you to answer the questions she asks.

 

If you have difficulty putting emotions into words generally then this test may prove helpful. - Online Alexithymia Questionnaire

[Gaeta]

She made a soft comment that's it's a choice based on how deep someone wants to go in a relationship. (Ouch) I moved on to state how serious I was in this relationship and didn't want her to feel I was hiding or purposefully holding back. Which maybe I am unconsciously as to not be judged or have something from my past unintentionally screw this up. Well she loved the validation and the discussion. We left it very positively saying we love each other.

 

Now I have to follow up by being more open and challenge her as well. Seems like it should be easy as I'm a good communicatior but I get a bit tongue tied around her sometimes which is very rare for me.

 

Seems like a lot of work when it should just flow naturally. Have you ever been told before that you had no depth? It's basically what she is saying. It's offending I find.

 

Not everyone has a filled with drama past. If you're just a regular joe-blow with no tragedy in five-acts to share than you're less interesting? How does that work?

 

She just seems a pain in the neck to me.

 

I remember dating this guy who was very open about his feelings and at some point I just wished for him to shut up.

[biker23]

That's the problem right there. She needs you to open up so that she can assess and evaluate your credibility.

She probably spent/wasted time with guys who gave no indication of who they actually were. They only discussed the weather, their job, music, films, sex, the grocery shop, whose turn it is to take out the garbage... etc. and she was thus completely blind-sided when they cheated or produced the baby mamma. The relationship worked on a superficial level, but she never really KNEW them.

Due to her past, she wants to fast forward to the deep stuff, so that she doesn't waste another 3 years with a guy she knows very little about.

She is sensing the same mmay happen with you when you discuss "Hobbies. Food. Wine. Travel." and fail to get down to a deeper "emotional" level. She wants to know if you are indeed capable of opening up and being an open book for her.

She doesn't want to be hurt yet again.

Your passionless marriage and your pragmatic and factually based career choice, will probably mean you are out of touch with your deep feelings and that is why it is so difficult for you to answer the questions she asks.

 

If you have difficulty putting emotions into words generally then this test may prove helpful. - Online Alexithymia Questionnaire

 

Thank you.

this is quite true. I will definitely look at your link. I'm quite emotional but the words or the future plans and dreams I am very pragmatic. For example. She wants to live in California. Zero plan on how and right now not practical. Would I love to? Sure! But I need a plan to state it vs just a dream. Unless I say wow I love California, I could live here. I could live in Italy too. No idea how.

[biker23]

Seems like a lot of work when it should just flow naturally. Have you ever been told before that you had no depth? It's basically what she is saying. It's offending I find.

 

Not everyone has a filled with drama past. If you're just a regular joe-blow with no tragedy in five-acts to share than you're less interesting? How does that work?

 

She just seems a pain in the neck to me.

 

I remember dating this guy who was very open about his feelings and at some point I just wished for him to shut up.

 

No. never been told that. I think a small disconnect is my future plans and dreams went out the window after divorce. Now I have career goals and retirement and travel etc. But life and future I want to plan together with a woman. So I'm waiting to combine. She's no longer waiting after so many attempts. The fact I clam up is this reason. Which I can explain and state. But I feel judged to not have highly articulated future goals to the level she's expecting I guess.

 

Also very true I don't have a drama fillled past. But I've also not had so many long term relationships that ended badly and drama. Just one long one.

[basil67]

I very much agree with Gaeta.

 

My guy doesn't have deep conversations with me, but I do know all there is to know. Bits and pieces about the past or about morals and attitudes to life just get thrown in during regular conversations. He actually would have run a mile if I expected him to sit down and have deep conversations with him. Deep and meaningful conversations are what a woman's girlfriends are for.

 

I agree that the recent US election should have been a terrific conduit for conversation. After all, it's our belief systems which persuade us to vote - or not vote - for certain people. How we vote tells a lot about who a person is and what they stand for. Did the two of you discuss many of the things in the media during this time? If so, are we to assume that you still didn't satisfy her need for deep discussion?

 

Lastly, she probably does want to know where this is going. But IT'S ONLY THREE MONTHS IN. It's far too early. Do it her way and it will all crash and burn like her previous engagements.

[benpom]

I'm in a great relationship of 3 months. We just got back from a week vacation which was amazing and certainly a good test of compatibility to live together 24/7.

 

We are both around 40. I'm 2 years out of a long marriage and she was married briefly when young but engaged 3 times since but not married again. Multiple passionate long term relationships. While I've had my marriage which was failing for years so no passion. I mention this for background.

 

One thing I love about her is she is of very high character and challenges me. But that challenge is also a challenge. Let me explain. She feels I talk about and share topics that are very on the surface. Hobbies. Food. Wine. Travel. We have had many awkward moments when she will ask 'what do I want' (I'm a logical engineer so I struggle with that. Does she mean in a mate or career or life or ? ) so when i struggle to answer she says it seems like I am just goIng through life day by day. Not true as I'm a successful businessman that runs a company. And I know what I want in a woman but apparently I suck at vocalizing it. She says it's hard for her when she asks me these tough questions and I struggle to answer. Like I'm hiding or refusing to open up to her. Which is frustrating to me. I think maybe I'm trying to say the perfect thing or overthinking or maybe even worried I'll say the 'wrong' thing. Why is this so hard?

She mentioned last night that she knows very little about my ex or marriage or past. We've talked some on it but I'll answer anything. She just wants deep conversation and not have to ask so many questions. Just talk she says! In my mind I think ok how do I bring up my past casually. Talk about the courtship wth my ex and how the marriage progressed. What I learned. Etc. Doesn't seem like casual things to bring up. Or I'm concerned something from my past will trigger something negative unintentionally or maybe be judged. I'm not sure. Sometimes we will drive with silence. I don't always have to have conversation and we are comfortable in it but I guess that is when I can talk about these topics? She wants to see/hear passion and says I can be boring. Again challenging me as she also said durIng our trip that she hasn't been this happy in years. Very flattering.

It seems she wants and desires the next level and is challenging me to meet her there. I want that badly but I'm frustrated with myself with this communication. I'm an outgoing extrovert person but apparently struggle vocalizing.

 

Advice? She says she is used to guy's that basically state what they want and actually say they want marriage and kids etc. Try to lock her down. I find that unrealistic. It's a playboy who states this in a few months. I want a serious relationship and yes potential marriage but how can I state that I want that now?

 

One more thing. We talked about how morals are important. So she asked me what are morals. Again going deeper. This is over dinner and wine. Casual discussion. :/

 

Here are my 2 cents:

She wants to know who you are. But you don't know who you are and the purpose of your life. When you just follow the flow and don't have a purpose, life gets boring. She senses that boredom and the lack of passion. So she probes this question by asking you what you did in the past. She probably wants to know if the passion that is lacking in your current relationship exited in your past.

 

Don't fall into the trap of talking about past relationships. Lots of otherwise good relationships get destroyed by the ghost from the past. Simply say: The past is past. I don't miss it. I like what's happening in present.

[biker23]

I agree that the recent US election should have been a terrific conduit for conversation. After all, it's our belief systems which persuade us to vote - or not vote - for certain people. How we vote tells a lot about who a person is and what they stand for. Did the two of you discuss many of the things in the media during this time? If so, are we to assume that you still didn't satisfy her need for deep discussion.

 

Yes we did. And when we determined we voted for opposite candidates it was a but tough. She's worried about the moral character of the country. I'm socially liberal typically but very financially conservative policy wise. So we talked thru that.

 

She's very focused on loyalty. I think my recent discussion where I laid out my feelings and future intentions for us really satisfied her. I believe she truly didn't understand my feelings. We went on a week vacation together where she said she hasn't been this happy in years. Lots of talk on feelings. But this time I was matter of fact. She said she is used to guys locking her down or trying. Marriage. Kids. And quickly. I didn't do that but did state it's not out of the question and I'm certainly focused 100% on her.

 

She's an alpha female and very attractive so for her to have some insecurities I guess surprises me. But then again she's been cheated on and fooled.