Caught New BF on OLD

[Miss Peach]

I've been seeing this guy for 2 months. A month in we had a bit of a talk. I told him I had mostly been dating in open relationship circles prior to him. He confessed he had messaged someone but that he wants me and had cut if off. Partly what brought this confession is that he realized through my stories we know each other. He went away and thought about the open relationship and we agreed it was something that could be put on the table but that we would discuss it first before doing anything.

 

He had deactivated his account on OLD for the last month. Today I had a strange feeling about him so I checked the site I know he's on (my accounts are all deactivated or hidden) and he's there!

 

I am very angry he is acting all into me (lots of PDA, taking me to meet the parents, etc.) and has never brought up this at all.

 

I was about to have a talk to him to make sure we were on the same page but I am angry he hasn't had the balls to talk to me prior to doing anything. I'm thinking about dumping him now and cancelling our outstanding dates.

 

Is this too rash? Or is it worth trying to salvage a DTR talk?

[dumbass2]

I have a lot of experience with relationships from OLD. What exactly made you want to check? You had a feeling for some reason.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I know that 'feeling' well. It's intuition and it is rarely ever wrong so good on you.

 

As for the rest of it, go with your gut MP. I think you have every right to be upset and even angry. Open relationship or not, you talked about revisiting this aspect of your relationship at later time and as far as you were concerned, you were going to try and be exclusive for the time being.

 

Seem shifty if you ask me and indicative of the type of guy he is so tread carefully.

 

At the very least talk with him and see how he responds.

 

If it were me, I'd cut him loose but then again I'm far less tolerant than most women when it comes to bullsh*t and games so take that for what it's worth.

[Zahara]

Didn't you reach out to him today (before this thread) to let him know that the relationship wasn't working for you and he agreed and still hoped to be friends on some level?

[Mrin]

Didn't you reach out to him today (before this thread) to let him know that the relationship wasn't working for you and he agreed and still hoped to be friends on some level?

 

Right. That was my question. Is this the same guy? Because if it is what do you care? If it isn't, you have zero grounds to be upset. Imho

[Methodical]

I don't know, Peaches. Guy 1 seems to be your mainstay and the one you are referring to in this post. You've discussed poly and open relationships, and told him you're bi.

 

You give Guy 2 the boot last night/this morning bc he was evasive and supposedly too busy to schedule a date... I thought that was going to be a meeting for you, Guy 1, and Guy 2, but I may be mistaken. (Based on your feedback, Guy 2 needed a swift kick ).

 

Guy 1 took you to an event but also stepped aside so that you could pursue a recent female prospect.

 

Aside from Guy 1 and yourself, there have been at least two potential hookups that you were the helm of. I'm wondering if Guy 1 is trying to play by the rules but somewhere along the line wires got crossed since he is watching you pursue other ppl. I think a conversation is in order. Like you said, you had planned to have a discussion to make sure you were on the same page. Obviously, you aren't, but I'm not sure he had nefarious intent :/.

[Miss Peach]

Didn't you reach out to him today (before this thread) to let him know that the relationship wasn't working for you and he agreed and still hoped to be friends on some level?

 

Different guy. That was a guy who essentially faded but was trying to contact me again. It's been largely crickets in the last month after this guy and I talked. I made it formal I wasn't interested to him to keep him from coming around. Even if the main guy wasn't around, I didn't appreciate the half interest.

 

I don't know, Peaches. Guy 1 seems to be your mainstay and the one you are referring to in this post. You've discussed poly and open relationships, and told him you're bi.

 

You give Guy 2 the boot last night/this morning bc he was evasive and supposedly too busy to schedule a date... I thought that was going to be a meeting for you, Guy 1, and Guy 2, but I may be mistaken. (Based on your feedback, Guy 2 needed a swift kick ).

 

Guy 1 took you to an event but also stepped aside so that you could pursue a recent female prospect.

 

Aside from Guy 1 and yourself, there have been at least two potential hookups that you were the helm of. I'm wondering if Guy 1 is trying to play by the rules but somewhere along the line wires got crossed since he is watching you pursue other ppl. I think a conversation is in order. Like you said, you had planned to have a discussion to make sure you were on the same page. Obviously, you aren't, but I'm not sure he had nefarious intent :/.

 

Almost right

 

Guy 1 is the mainstay. We had agreed to potentially open the relationship but both agreed we cared about each other more and that it wasn't a requirement for either of us. We were supposed to talk about it if it was going to come up on the table.

 

Guy 2 was a guy I had dated the first month with Guy 1 before the talk. He is poly with an existing GF. He essentially faded but was sort of trying to come back halfheartedly. I let him go formally this morning. I had also been letting other guys know the situation as they were coming back around looking for a date. I've been off OLD for the last month after that talk with Guy #1.

 

I had told Guy #1 after we talked the open relationships and I shut everything down that I didn't feel I could share him. This was about 3-4 weeks ago.

 

The girl at the party was just eye candy but I was curious how to up that game in case anything ever went there. I think a MFF is the most likely scenario if we open things up. I wasn't planning yet to take home anyone. I just wanted to up my flirting game a bit for now. I would to feel a bit more established before doing anything more.

 

I'm hurt that #1 he never discussed it with me as we had talked about and #2 did this even after I told him I wouldn't want to share him like that. Couple that with him taking me to meet his friends, parents, planning dates, telling me it was out anniversary, etc. plus I spend 3-4 days per week with him and am sleeping with him, I felt he was in more than he's appearing to be if he's suddenly turning back to OLD.

Edited December 1, 2016 by Miss Peach

[jen1447]

I'm an OLD ingenue but can you just open accounts on there w no expectation that anyone could track you? Seems odd that he'd just blunder back onto that and know full well that you'd be onto him if you looked.

[Methodical]

Okay, gotcha. I didn't realize open-status was mutually off limits at this point in time. I have no doubt, tho, that you have clearly defined the boundaries and terms with Guy 1. Given the clarification, I'd be miffed that he reactivated his acct. too. There's only one reason to lurk on dating sites, and that's to seek out potential candidates. IMO, he breached your agreement .

[Miss Peach]

I'm an OLD ingenue but can you just open accounts on there w no expectation that anyone could track you? Seems odd that he'd just blunder back onto that and know full well that you'd be onto him if you looked.

 

The site he uses you can hide your account which means it can't be found in searches. But you can still search and login. My account there is hidden but I was able to find him quickly. He was online today. I know it's active because I found him. I couldn't before.

 

The site I usually use you have to disable and re-enable. I did re-enable for a second to read a friend's profile for advice but on the site he posts on I wouldn't buy that since you can do that while hidden. Mine had been disabled.

 

Okay, gotcha. I didn't realize open-status was mutually off limits at this point in time. I have no doubt, tho, that you have clearly defined the boundaries and terms with Guy 1. Given the clarification, I'd be miffed that he reactivated his acct. too. There's only one reason to lurk on dating sites, and that's to seek out potential candidates. IMO, he breached your agreement .

 

We hadn't really defined what that meant yet (i.e., poly, open, swing together only, etc.) but that we would talk about it if we were to do it was how I understood our agreement. That is we were to want to do anything we needed to stay open and communicate. That didn't happen here.

 

He made it known he disabled his profile and I had done mine too. I was still getting texts from guys and I'm sure he saw some of that but I wasn't encouraging any that were more than friends. Most I had been letting go and telling them what was up.

 

He just texted me too to check on my day. I am not sure how I want to respond...

 

I could try to chalk it up to a needing a better definition if we hadn't agreed to talk and if I hadn't been open about not wanting to share him right now and needing more discussion before anything. That's why my reaction right now is just to dump him but I want to sleep on it before doing anything. I'm trying to think if he can say anything to recover from this trust-wise. I thought we were totally open with each other about everything. That's clearly not the case.

Edited December 1, 2016 by Miss Peach

[salparadise]

 

Different guy. That was a guy who essentially faded but was trying to contact me again.

 

Guy 1 is the mainstay. We had agreed to potentially open the relationship

 

Guy 2 was a guy I had dated the first month with Guy 1 before the talk. He is poly with an existing GF. He essentially faded but was sort of trying to come back halfheartedly.

 

The girl at the party was just eye candy but I was curious how to up that game in case anything ever went there.

 

I was still getting texts from guys and I'm sure he saw some of that but I wasn't encouraging any that were more than friends.

 

I'm hurt that #1 he never discussed it with me. I felt he was in more than he's appearing to be if he's suddenly turning back to OLD.

 

 

Don't you think it's possible that he may have only been tying up loose ends, upping his game with women he had in mind for a three-way, chatting with women who he sees as just friends or otherwise keeping a few balls in the air just to stay in practice?

 

I mean, from the sound of it, I'd probably be thinking that a good backup plan and some open options would be a smart idea too.

[jen1447]

The site he uses you can hide your account which means it can't be found in searches. But you can still search and login. My account there is hidden but I was able to find him quickly. He was online today. I know it's active because I found him. I couldn't before.

 

The site I usually use you have to disable and re-enable. I did re-enable for a second to read a friend's profile for advice but on the site he posts on I wouldn't buy that since you can do that while hidden. Mine had been disabled.

 

I guess what I'm getting at is is there any possible way, assuming he has basic intelligence and common sense, that he could think "I'll get back on OLD - Peaches won't have a clue!"? Bc if not, the implication is that he didn't think what he was doing was wrong, or at least that it'd be sth worth hiding.

[Mrin]

Wait, I don't understand. Have you seen/flirtchatted/dated Guy #2 since you and Guy #1 had the "talk".

[Miss Peach]

Don't you think it's possible that he may have only been tying up loose ends, upping his game with women he had in mind for a three-way, chatting with women who he sees as just friends or otherwise keeping a few balls in the air just to stay in practice?

 

I mean, from the sound of it, I'd probably be thinking that a good backup plan and some open options would be a smart idea too.

 

I doubt it. This is the one I've been calling the inexperienced guy. The only women he had messaged on there since he met me according to him he realized was a friend of mine (she has a very unusual name). If so, I told him we could discuss opening. So why hide it? Why come on so strong with me?

 

 

I guess what I'm getting at is is there any possible way, assuming he has basic intelligence and common sense, that he could think "I'll get back on OLD - Peaches won't have a clue!"? Bc if not, the implication is that he didn't think what he was doing was wrong, or at least that it'd be sth worth hiding.

 

Sadly I think he is hiding it. I have not flinched through any of his stories and he always told me he felt safe telling me everything - even things he never told his wife when they were together. I had offered the potential of an open relationship if we discussed it. Why go on old without talking to me then? Why tell me he didn't need that with me if it wasn't true?

 

I'm really struggling with a legitimate scenario where he couldn't come to me and discuss if he wanted to search for other women.

[Mrin]

Peach.. I'm trying to understand. I guess it breaks down to a two pronged thingy...

1. When you had "the talk" with Guy #1, was it that you would be exclusive or that he'd take his profile down? If it was... then see below. If there was no understanding of an exclusive relationship and/or that you were going to be open, then you have absolutely no grounds for being upset with him reactivating his profile. Seriously, if you're going to be out dating other guys/girls there is no reason not to expect him to do the same thing.

 

2. If you had agreed to be exclusive or take your profiles down... then the next question is whether you had seen/dated/flirted with Guy #2 during that period. If you have, then you have no grounds to be upset. Sure Guy #1 is a promise breaker but then again, so are you.

 

If you haven't seen/dated/flirted with Guy #2, or any other guys/girls, then Guy #1 is garbage and you should kick him to the curb.

 

Does that help?

Edited December 2, 2016 by Mrin

[grays]

I'm sorry Miss Peach. I was kind of liking your thing with this guy.

 

Just out of curiosity, do you think he could be feeling like you're not playing by the rules? I'm not suggesting that you're not, but I wonder, if he's inexperienced, if just knowing about guy #2 and maybe a little bit about your lifestyle (I'm not sure what it is, but includes some poly-ish stuff, sounds like?), if maybe he's just feeling insecure about whether or not you're really being exclusive and just keeping his profile up just in case. I dunno. It's not that convincing, but I do think it's possible that talking through it could end okay.

[salparadise]

Peach.. I'm trying to understand. I guess it breaks down to a two pronged thingy... Seriously, if you're going to be out dating other guys/girls there is no reason not to expect him to do the same thing.

 

If you had agreed to be exclusive or take your profiles down.. then the next question is whether you had seen/dated/flirted with Guy #2 during that period.

 

 

My guess is that Miss Peach would like to enjoy the benefits of Guy #1 pursuing her exclusively and being highly committed, while she keeps one eye open. He probably senses [at least] that this is a brokered sexing arrangement and there's a lot simmering on her back burner.

 

If I was in his shoes, I'd probably limit emotional investment too. They've barely started and already talking about an open relationship... I mean if everybody schtupping everybody is acceptable in theory, and her phone is chiming like a pinball machine, then what's the big deal? Oh yea, those guys she considers "friends." Well maybe that's all he's doing too, albeit through the chat feature on a web site rather than direct texting. And I used to think quidditch looked complicated.

Edited December 2, 2016 by salparadise

[Miss Peach]

Wait, I don't understand. Have you seen/flirtchatted/dated Guy #2 since you and Guy #1 had the "talk".

 

I thought guy #2 faded but he suddenly tried to come back. I wanted to make it final. The only conversation with him was by text to try to get him on the phone to end it. I prefer not to do those things by texts. When he didn't pick up but kept contacting me via text about other things I sent it via text.

[Miss Peach]

We planned to spend this weekend together. Today we planned to finalize what we're doing and the logistics. I am debating how to approach it. Do I tell him in advance we need to talk and be prepared to cut the day off short? Or give him warning this is coming?

 

I'm sorry Miss Peach. I was kind of liking your thing with this guy.

 

Just out of curiosity, do you think he could be feeling like you're not playing by the rules? I'm not suggesting that you're not, but I wonder, if he's inexperienced, if just knowing about guy #2 and maybe a little bit about your lifestyle (I'm not sure what it is, but includes some poly-ish stuff, sounds like?), if maybe he's just feeling insecure about whether or not you're really being exclusive and just keeping his profile up just in case. I dunno. It's not that convincing, but I do think it's possible that talking through it could end okay.

 

I think this is a possibility. He did make a comment the other day that I seemed popular.

 

But I am still miffed by the idea that he re-activated his account. If this had been it, couldn't he have talked to me about it instead of jumping back online?

 

I told him shortly after we got together after a 12 hours date that since my last relationship ended I had been dating poly and open circles. I had also brought up curiosity about swinging but admitted I have no practical knowledge about a lot of this - mostly just conversations with people in those lifestyles. We talked about reservations we both shared with that. He wanted to think about it s bit and came back and said he could do it potentially but we were to talk about it first to figure out our guidelines but both agreed we didn't need anyone else. I have done some soul searching in case it came up again and I don't feel I could do poly or open. Swinging potentially and that at some point I may want to me with women again but I have always been very risk adverse with sex so the idea of doing it casually is hard for me to jump into.

 

The other guys are true friends he's heard me talk about or met. We both had disabled our OLD accounts. The rest are guys who have been checking in have been to see if I'm available and I've been telling them I met someone and want to see how it goes.

 

 

My guess is that Miss Peach would like to enjoy the benefits of Guy #1 pursuing her exclusively and being highly committed, while she keeps one eye open. He probably senses [at least] that this is a brokered sexing arrangement and there's a lot simmering on her back burner.

 

If I was in his shoes, I'd probably limit emotional investment too. They've barely started and already talking about an open relationship... I mean if everybody schtupping everybody is acceptable in theory, and her phone is chiming like a pinball machine, then what's the big deal? Oh yea, those guys she considers "friends." Well maybe that's all he's doing too, albeit through the chat feature on a web site rather than direct texting. And I used to think quidditch looked complicated.

 

Not exactly but I could see how it might be interpreted this way. I work in a male dominated field. My hobbies tend to attract men more than women. I have a lot of men around me. I have been very honest with him about my interactions with these men. I know my world isn't for all guys out there.

 

But if this were the case, why was he introducing me to friends and going to our social events as his girlfriend? Why spend 3-4 days per week with me? Why did he invite me to his parent's house for Thanksgiving?

 

If he's feeling that way, why run out and look for other women instead of talking to me?

 

When things got tough in his marriage, he ran to a bar and hid it from his wife. She never knew about it of the friendship he forged with one of the bartenders there. I've been there and he's shown me off to everyone there. But again, I'm wondering if this is a pattern with this guy - turning out when something is not right rather than talk. Some of this I could chalk up to a misunderstanding and get over but that one I don't think I can and it's on my mind.

[Methodical]

This guy is floundering in a sea of uncharted territory. He is new to the dating scene after being married for two decades and is inexperienced. You broached the topic of poly, open, swinging, etc. Rather than balk or bolt, he asked for time to think about it. He contacted a poly friend for advice, who was surprised that your bf would even consider it. For all we know, he is still contacting the poly friend for advice so that he doesn't appear totally clueless. In that case, his actions could be perceived as being proactive so that you aren't having to do all the heavy lifting. (And poly friend suggested he look for prospects .)

 

Realistically, you are already in self-preservation mode bc you're prepared to cut the day short if you aren't on the same page. There's no need to create a brewing undercurrent by going into "warning" mode, imo. Good Luck!

Edited December 2, 2016 by Methodical

[central]

The girl at the party was just eye candy but I was curious how to up that game in case anything ever went there.

 

Maybe he's also just curious, but not acting on things yet. Did you tell him in advance that you were going to flirt "just in case" for future connection? He's entitled to look too, if you are. If anything, you have transgressed the agreement more than he has, it would seem.

[jen1447]

I think ppl are getting these concepts of their own ideas of rights and wrongs and rules mixed up here w Peaches' scenario.

 

Peaches, it sounds like the basic issue here - regardless of the intricacies of your particular setup - is a breach of trust. He did a thing he said he wouldn't do and didn't tell you about it. Being as trust is at the heart of everything, that's why the upset, despite the confusion ppl have over it all due to the seeming contradictions of what the lifestyle implies etc. Ppl often don't get that about poly/open ppl and assume we don't care about anything.

 

You could share a lifestyle w someone where each of you bang it out w hundreds of strangers every year and be fine w that but still feel a breach of trust if one of you keeps a secret about sth you typically share, like you secretly hate their beef stroganoff or sth and never told them.

 

Given all that, I'd just be upfront w him and tell him you found his OLD was reactivated and ask why and why he didn't tell you, then clarify if he has any confusion/uncertainty/doubts about anything. He may or may not have a good explanation.

[Miss Peach]

Maybe he's also just curious, but not acting on things yet. Did you tell him in advance that you were going to flirt "just in case" for future connection? He's entitled to look too, if you are. If anything, you have transgressed the agreement more than he has, it would seem.

 

Nothing has gone past attraction and not acting on it yet.

 

I would agree if this had been our agreement. There is no harm in me learning some tips and tricks. But if our agreement didn't include me acting on it, I would need to talk to him first to amend the agreement. The same rule should apply to him IMO.

 

I think ppl are getting these concepts of their own ideas of rights and wrongs and rules mixed up here w Peaches' scenario.

 

Peaches, it sounds like the basic issue here - regardless of the intricacies of your particular setup - is a breach of trust. He did a thing he said he wouldn't do and didn't tell you about it. Being as trust is at the heart of everything, that's why the upset, despite the confusion ppl have over it all due to the seeming contradictions of what the lifestyle implies etc. Ppl often don't get that about poly/open ppl and assume we don't care about anything.

 

You could share a lifestyle w someone where each of you bang it out w hundreds of strangers every year and be fine w that but still feel a breach of trust if one of you keeps a secret about sth you typically share, like you secretly hate their beef stroganoff or sth and never told them.

 

Given all that, I'd just be upfront w him and tell him you found his OLD was reactivated and ask why and why he didn't tell you, then clarify if he has any confusion/uncertainty/doubts about anything. He may or may not have a good explanation.

 

You totally understand what I'm trying to say here Jen.

 

Yes, I am hurt over the breach of trust and the lack of communication. Poly and other open arrangements take even more trust and communication IMO.

 

I had planned to spend the entire weekend with him. I'm going to amend my plans to keep Sunday for myself. We were going to do an activity together Saturday but I'm going to ask for time to talk beforehand. I am undecided about the activity.

 

I was planning on asking him about what he honestly sees for us before I bring up that I know about the OLD profile. My guess is he's going to say how much he cares about me and the other stuff he typically says. I want to see if he comes clean on his own. If he doesn't he's done.

 

Still I am pissed this wasn't discussed beforehand. Even if he does manage to stay around, I'm not sure if I want to take on inexperience, a guy going through a divorce, plus being unsure if trust is there. That's a lot in a short relationship where everything should be easy. Up until this everything had been easy.

[Miss Peach]

For all we know, he is still contacting the poly friend for advice so that he doesn't appear totally clueless. In that case, his actions could be perceived as being proactive so that you aren't having to do all the heavy lifting. (And poly friend suggested he look for prospects .)

 

I see what you're trying to say but we never defined what open arrangement we were looking at. We had discussed poly and swinging but never agreed on any of them. There is a big difference between the two.

[central]

But if our agreement didn't include me acting on it, I would need to talk to him first to amend the agreement. The same rule should apply to him IMO.

 

Were you flirting with this other woman before or after you made your agreement? If after, then you were indeed acting on an attraction, even if pursuing it further is not a current option. Him being online is no different - looking at possibilities isn't acting on them. Perhaps I'm missing something in the complex timeline and cast of characters, so I apologize if I've got the facts mixed up.