Odd Behavior

[OatsAndHall]

I have been chatting with a woman via OLD for a few weeks now and I'm starting to get a strange vibe from her.

 

1. She has profiles over two OLD sites. The one I met her on states that she's divorced. I happen to stumble upon her other profile by chance on the other one that I use and it states that she is "currently separated". She had been using both sites within a few weeks of talking to her. This kind of has my hackles up because I don't generally date women that haven't gotten out of a marriage yet as I've run into weird ex baggage with it in the past. I have been tempted to ask her about it but it's none of my business and it's way too early in the game to begin bringing that stuff up.

 

2. She asked to start texting the same day we messaged via the OLD site. We had a couple of good chats and then she invited me out to dinner with her teenage son two days after we met. She asked me on short notice, it was a work night, I had stuff to do so I declined. I would have jumped at the chance if I weren't busy simply because I want to get that first meeting out of the way. I told her that I would love to go out but I was too busy.

 

3. She has been talking about meeting up repeatedly but will not commit to scheduling it. In fact, I shot her a text the day after she invited me to dinner and asked if she'd like to meet that weekend. I didn't get a response from her. I waited a a few days and then texted and asked if she was doing alright as I hadn't heard from her. This is something that I rarely do but I figured I'd give it a shot seeing as she'd asked me out and talking about meeting up. She responded and said that she had just been slammed busy and didn't get a chance to reply. I haven't read into any of this as I do know she works a lot of hours.

 

4. We've been texting back and forth and chatted for three hours one night. The texting is pretty intermittent between these long chats, she'll text me here and there when she knows I am done with work just to say "hello". She is still bringing up meeting but, again, will not commit to anything. I have been trying not to read into any of this but she's told me several times that she's going out with friends. So, I know that she has some free time. I'm not upset by this, at all but, like I said, it appears as though she could free up some time to get a meeting out of the way.

 

So, all of this, combined with the difference between her "relationship status" on her profiles has kind of put me off. I am starting to wonder if there is still something going on between her and her (maybe or maybe not) ex-husband. We live in a small town where you basically can't keep anything private so I could be walking into a serious PITA situation.

 

Generally, I'd just write this off, put her on the back burner and not worry about it. But, I am seriously tempted to just call the whole thing off if she won't meet up for a date soon. I feel that going two weeks without meeting someone via OLD is a bad move. I'm really trying to be laid back with the whole thing but it is getting kind of frustrating.

 

Am I over-reacting to this? Thoughts?

[Expectmore]

Yea bro something is up.

She is either still under the same roof with him or she has other irons in the fire.

I work a demanding job but can always reply to a text within 15 to 20 minutes.

I watched my wife pull the same things with a guy she had on the side.

Beware.

[Gaeta]

I don't understand why you hesitate to ask her what is her situation.

 

You are both on a dating sites, you are both out there to date, it's normal to put your cards on the table on a first conversation.

 

* How long have you been single

* Are you divorced

 

Are the very first questions I would ask during a first contact. Yes it's your business to ask these. She is not a woman you met in the elevator, she is a woman advertising herself for a relationship so ask all the important questions from the start.

 

My bet is she still lives under the same roof as her 'ex' and the ex may not be aware they are separated. She is a huge waste of your time. There are tons of genuine women out there serious about finding the right guy. Concentrate on those.

[OatsAndHall]

Well, I doubt that she is still living with her ex husband as she asked me out to dinner WITH her son. If she is still living with him, then she's a looney-tune that is trying to make her husband jealous.

 

But, she did mention that she had another, younger guy pursuing her, but that she wasn't into him as he's basically half her age. So, she is out there dating.

 

It appears as though she's doing everything she can to keep me on the hook without committing to anything for one reason or another. I don't like ghosting women, even if we've only been chatting for a little while. I am tempted to shoot her a text telling her that I'm not interested or to tell her that I want to meet her soon as I've had nothing but bad experiences with OLD when I haven't met someone within a few weeks.

 

I don't like the prospect of the second option but she'll either get the point and disappear or we'll a date where I can get a better feel for the situation. I used to think this was controlling but now I view it as simply being assertive: commit to a date or call it off. I just hate reading into things and that's easy to do when you're only communicating via text.

 

And, I don't generally ask a woman about their current relationship status as I figure it's their information to share. I have met a few nice women via OLD that have been out of a relationship for awhile but I've asked them and it has completely killed things. But, that is just my own personal experience. Maybe I do need to be more straightforward in this regard.

[TheTraveler]

Well, I doubt that she is still living with her ex husband as she asked me out to dinner WITH her son. If she is still living with him, then she's a looney-tune that is trying to make her husband jealous.

 

Forget that nonsense. I would have told her I'm busy if I was or wasn't.

[Gaeta]

Well, I doubt that she is still living with her ex husband as she asked me out to dinner WITH her son. If she is still living with him, then she's a looney-tune that is trying to make her husband jealous.

 

But, she did mention that she had another, younger guy pursuing her, but that she wasn't into him as he's basically half her age. So, she is out there dating.

 

It appears as though she's doing everything she can to keep me on the hook without committing to anything for one reason or another. I don't like ghosting women, even if we've only been chatting for a little while. I am tempted to shoot her a text telling her that I'm not interested or to tell her that I want to meet her soon as I've had nothing but bad experiences with OLD when I haven't met someone within a few weeks.

 

I don't like the prospect of the second option but she'll either get the point and disappear or we'll a date where I can get a better feel for the situation. I used to think this was controlling but now I view it as simply being assertive: commit to a date or call it off. I just hate reading into things and that's easy to do when you're only communicating via text.

 

And, I don't generally ask a woman about their current relationship status as I figure it's their information to share. I have met a few nice women via OLD that have been out of a relationship for awhile but I've asked them and it has completely killed things. But, that is just my own personal experience. Maybe I do need to be more straightforward in this regard.

 

A real woman genuine about finding herself a man, would NEVER tell a prospect she is interested in, that other dudes are pursuing her. I had 3-4 men pursuing me at all time and never used this in any of my meeting. Talk about shutting a man down. Again, I would never speak a word about other men pursuing me if I were serious.

 

If women are not available to meet within 1 week you drop them unless they have a serious reasons like being outside of town, having family members visiting, etc.

 

When I was online at first I allowed way too much crap. With the years and with more experience I have learn that the type of man I am looking for isn't the one feeding me excuses, isn't the one delaying meeting, isn't the one being secretive. The right kind of man I wanted to meet would make it easy and comfortable for me just like I made it easy and comfortable to him.

[Gaeta]

Oatsandhall: Think about it. If it's THAT difficult to get to meet her and you cannot get her to commit to a set date how are you going to date at all? That's not the type of dating you want right?

[OatsAndHall]

A real woman genuine about finding herself a man, would NEVER tell a prospect she is interested in, that other dudes are pursuing her. I had 3-4 men pursuing me at all time and never used this in any of my meeting. Talk about shutting a man down. Again, I would never speak a word about other men pursuing me if I were serious.

 

If women are not available to meet within 1 week you drop them unless they have a serious reasons like being outside of town, having family members visiting, etc.

 

When I was online at first I allowed way too much crap. With the years and with more experience I have learn that the type of man I am looking for isn't the one feeding me excuses, isn't the one delaying meeting, isn't the one being secretive. The right kind of man I wanted to meet would make it easy and comfortable for me just like I made it easy and comfortable to him.

 

This was kind of a put-off for me but I got over it as it came up pretty randomly. She asked how old I was (pretty strange given that it's on my profile, DUH..) and I told her and she said she was "older". I responded with "age is just a number" and that's when she said she had been hearing that a lot out of a younger guy that she wasn't interested in.

 

I'm glad that I asked posted this thread because I was starting to feel like I was reading into things too much. Thanks for the replies.

[OatsAndHall]

Oatsandhall: Think about it. If it's THAT difficult to get to meet her and you cannot get her to commit to a set date how are you going to date at all? That's not the type of dating you want right?

 

Like I said, I didn't know if this was really odd behavior or not and that's why I posted this thread. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially because she is busy (she works six days a week and she's got a son). I have done my best to be laid back with the OLD scene and let things unfold. I would have bailed on this pretty quickly if she hadn't kept talking about meeting and hadn't invited me to dinner. But, it appears as though I will need to be more assertive and picky from here on out.

 

Just too many mixed messages and weird behaviors from this woman.

[mortensorchid]

Something's not right based on all those points. Why would she want to have you meet her AND her son on the day you meet face to face? I don't have kids but I wouldn't want to include any family in on a situation like this, where you might meet the person once and then never see/hear from them again. Move on.

[sunshine2]

That is the biggest red flag to me. Having you meet her son on the first meet? NO WAY!! I don't ever have my kids meet my date until it is serious and we are in a relationship that I feel good about.

 

On top of all that, she is stringing you along. My motto with OLD is to meet as soon as possible. I wasted too much time being text buddies to men who were never interested in meeting. That can create a fantasy relationship that will never be what you think it will.

 

I would move on.

[OatsAndHall]

That is the biggest red flag to me. Having you meet her son on the first meet? NO WAY!! I don't ever have my kids meet my date until it is serious and we are in a relationship that I feel good about.

 

On top of all that, she is stringing you along. My motto with OLD is to meet as soon as possible. I wasted too much time being text buddies to men who were never interested in meeting. That can create a fantasy relationship that will never be what you think it will.

 

I would move on.

 

This has been my experience too. I have met quite a few women that want to "get to know" me via text and messaging before we meet. This a poor form of communication, there's too much room for things to be misconstrued, you don't actually get to know them and it's just a pain in the a-- in general. Plus, I have found that these are the women that are looking for all of those little points of "compatibility" like taste in music, movies, food, etc... All things that are pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Why bother even going through the whole process if you're going to shut down a date because I like horror movies and you don't? This woman has been doing quite a bit of that between texts. The word "compatibility" has come up on several occasions which drives me insane. "Well, it certainly looks like our musical tastes are compatible.:D".

 

I am a little perturbed right now as my brother just asked me what I was going to do with this woman. I explained to him all of the things that I have posted in this thread and he replied that "she might be going about things differently than you. She's probably just being careful because you're a stranger to her and there are women that get sexually assaulted on dates.." Like texting me for another three weeks is going to tell her whether or not I'm rapist..

[Gaeta]

I am a little perturbed right now as my brother just asked me what I was going to do with this woman. I explained to him all of the things that I have posted in this thread and he replied that "she might be going about things differently than you. She's probably just being careful because you're a stranger to her and there are women that get sexually assaulted on dates.." Like texting me for another three weeks is going to tell her whether or not I'm rapist..

 

Your brother speaks as someone who hasn't been on the dating market for a long time.

[salparadise]

 

Just too many mixed messages and weird behaviors from this woman.

 

You haven't been at this very long, have ya buddy?

 

You've already got several weeks of messaging invested and she keep stringing you along and finding excuses not to meet? Wanted to bring her son on a first meeting? Telling you about other men pursuing her? Separated status on another site? Asked for you phone number to text right off the bat?

 

How many ways can you spell cray-cray? Are you seriously thinking there might be potential with someone like this, or are you just trying to get laid? If the former, reevaluate. If the latter... well, I guess it depends on how desperate you are and how hot you think she is.

 

I've been dating a wonderful woman for a year and a quarter that I met online. Guess how much bull$hit I had to put up with. Zero. She liked my profile, I asked her out in the first message, she accepted in her reply. We exchanged a few more to set the time and place and then didn't message again until a few hours before to confirm. And the relationship is bull$hit free as well. She's a keeper.

 

My suggestion is to have nearly zero tolerance for weird behavior online. They're not going to turn out to be any better when you meet in person. In fact, it's the opposite. Cray-cray is pretty easy to hide online, and if it's showing through on the profile... don't be a masochist.

[OatsAndHall]

You haven't been at this very long, have ya buddy?

 

You've already got several weeks of messaging invested and she keep stringing you along and finding excuses not to meet? Wanted to bring her son on a first meeting? Telling you about other men pursuing her? Separated status on another site? Asked for you phone number to text right off the bat?

 

How many ways can you spell cray-cray? Are you seriously thinking there might be potential with someone like this, or are you just trying to get laid? If the former, reevaluate. If the latter... well, I guess it depends on how desperate you are and how hot you think she is.

 

I've been dating a wonderful woman for a year and a quarter that I met online. Guess how much bull$hit I had to put up with. Zero. She liked my profile, I asked her out in the first message, she accepted in her reply. We exchanged a few more to set the time and place and then didn't message again until a few hours before to confirm. And the relationship is bull$hit free as well. She's a keeper.

 

My suggestion is to have nearly zero tolerance for weird behavior online. They're not going to turn out to be any better when you meet in person. In fact, it's the opposite. Cray-cray is pretty easy to hide online, and if it's showing through on the profile... don't be a masochist.

 

I've been doing the online dating thing for about a year and a half. I've had one good long term relationship out of it, some good dates and quite a few bad ones.. I'm not looking to just get laid, lol. That is something I could accomplish without OLD. I could hit up the local bars and take women home.

 

I guess I'm just not used to this kind of weird behavior out of people in general. And, this is the strangest behavior I've seen from OLD. I'm used to going out with a woman I met off-line, dating a few times and going from there. I started using OLD out of convenience and I thought it would be an easier way to meet women. But, it assuredly is not.

 

She shot me a message a little while ago. I told her that I didn't think it was going to workout between us and wished her the best. I haven't gotten a response back and I doubt that I will.

[thecrucible]

I guess I'm just not used to this kind of weird behavior out of people in general. And, this is the strangest behavior I've seen from OLD. I'm used to going out with a woman I met off-line, dating a few times and going from there. I started using OLD out of convenience and I thought it would be an easier way to meet women. But, it assuredly is not.

 

Definitely! It's like that for us ladies too. There are a lot of guys out there too who don't really want to make online interactions turn into offline dates.

 

She shot me a message a little while ago. I told her that I didn't think it was going to workout between us and wished her the best. I haven't gotten a response back and I doubt that I will.

 

I think there isn't much to say after someone says that really. Most people I talk to online just ghost and I suppose I'm guilty of it too. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, it's just situations that come up in real life or I freak out before meeting them.

[joseb]

 

She shot me a message a little while ago. I told her that I didn't think it was going to workout between us and wished her the best. I haven't gotten a response back and I doubt that I will.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. Too much weirdness.

Wanting you to meet her son on the first meet? Why on earth would she do that, I would have called her out on that.

 

Anyway, no don't expect a reply, in fairness she doesnt need to send one in this case, its not ghosting.

[salparadise]

I guess I'm just not used to this kind of weird behavior out of people in general. And, this is the strangest behavior I've seen from OLD. I'm used to going out with a woman I met off-line, dating a few times and going from there. I started using OLD out of convenience and I thought it would be an easier way to meet women. But, it assuredly is not.

 

She shot me a message a little while ago. I told her that I didn't think it was going to workout between us and wished her the best. I haven't gotten a response back and I doubt that I will.

 

Good for you. I absolutely believe that we should demand respect online, and never indulge people who run hot and cold or string us along... among other weirdness. When I first started online dating I was sort of amazed and appalled that people treating others with such disregard, and that it was such a game to many. All you can do is set a certain standard for interactions don't get lured into playing crazy games. It's naturally harder for me since we're not the ones in demand, but it's important to not to give up your dignity.

[spiderowl]

If she is not finding time in her busy diary to meet you, then she's not interested. Whatever was on her profiles - and it is possible to forget to change status - it doesn't matter because she is not keen on meeting. Go by her actions, not what she says.

[spiderowl]

I don't agree that women who want to chat online or text for a while before meeting from OLD are stringing anyone along. I always suggest that we get to know each other a bit before meeting. Some guys are OK with that; some take offence and disappear - fine with me!

 

I have chatted to quite a few guys online, I admit. I have found that if you chat for a week or two, then their true colours come out. First conversations can be fine; they can seem great. Two or three conversations later, they can sound very different. You start to hear about the fetishes, the controlling behaviour, the attitudes, the temper, the attempts to patronise and manipulate you, the lack of respect for your privacy or safety.

 

Yes, sometimes are you lucky and the nice guy stays a genuine and nice guy, but there have been too many instances where the nice guy has quickly turned into a wolf, for me to suggest meeting someone quickly. There have been times when, quite frankly, I have been relieved a guy does not know my last name or where I live.

[dispatch3d]

To me this is just a waste of your time and I would move on. I don't understand why you are putting so much effort into a first date that hasn't happened when there are plenty of girls that will go out without this kind of hastle.

[joseb]

I don't agree that women who want to chat online or text for a while before meeting from OLD are stringing anyone along. I always suggest that we get to know each other a bit before meeting. Some guys are OK with that; some take offence and disappear - fine with me!

 

I have chatted to quite a few guys online, I admit. I have found that if you chat for a week or two, then their true colours come out. First conversations can be fine; they can seem great. Two or three conversations later, they can sound very different. You start to hear about the fetishes, the controlling behaviour, the attitudes, the temper, the attempts to patronise and manipulate you, the lack of respect for your privacy or safety.

 

Yes, sometimes are you lucky and the nice guy stays a genuine and nice guy, but there have been too many instances where the nice guy has quickly turned into a wolf, for me to suggest meeting someone quickly. There have been times when, quite frankly, I have been relieved a guy does not know my last name or where I live.

 

Honestly. I'd love to hear some examples of this.

And how on earth the conversation would get into these areas. It's just texting.

 

Maybe by refusing to meet early you are putting off the guys with a bit of self esteem and attracting the more loser types that will take any crumb they are given....

[OatsAndHall]

I don't agree that women who want to chat online or text for a while before meeting from OLD are stringing anyone along. I always suggest that we get to know each other a bit before meeting. Some guys are OK with that; some take offence and disappear - fine with me!

 

I have chatted to quite a few guys online, I admit. I have found that if you chat for a week or two, then their true colours come out. First conversations can be fine; they can seem great. Two or three conversations later, they can sound very different. You start to hear about the fetishes, the controlling behaviour, the attitudes, the temper, the attempts to patronise and manipulate you, the lack of respect for your privacy or safety.

 

Yes, sometimes are you lucky and the nice guy stays a genuine and nice guy, but there have been too many instances where the nice guy has quickly turned into a wolf, for me to suggest meeting someone quickly. There have been times when, quite frankly, I have been relieved a guy does not know my last name or where I live.

 

I agree you can weed out people via their creepy behavior in a short period of time. But, there's also a lot of room for statements that are completely innocent to be misconstrued and read into. Especially the longer that you go on just texting as it's very hard to really feel someone out via text without reading into things. And, to be blunt, they certainly won't get to know me as I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor that has no tone over text. So, I either tone it all down and have ho-hum, "how was your day?", "what music/movies/food/favorite color" conversations or I let a little innocent sarcasm flow a bit, they read into it too much and become turned off. Now, it's a whole different story in person: they laugh, enjoy my company and many have told me that they find me charming.. All because there was tone that went with it.

 

For example, I once chatted with a woman for about a week, she made a comment about how she needed to go to the gym to lose a few pounds and I told her that I thought she was certainly an attractive gal. I didn't say, "don't worry about that baby, you're hot": I said that "I thought she was quite the pretty lady". She got spooked by that statement, her messages became short and quaint afterwards and I asked her if she was alright. She told me she was "very uncomfortable" with my commenting on her appearance as the guys she's met that do that are "just looking to get some". Yes, I would imagine she'd been bombarded with messages talking about how "fine" she looked or how "sexy" they thought she was. My statement was a polite response to hers with no sexual innuendo, whatsoever.

 

If you met someone randomly outside of an OLD site, you'd get a much clearer picture of who they are, quickly, without ever agreeing to a date. But, you can spend two weeks chatting with someone over a site, read into their statements and actions and never get to know them.

[Gaeta]

I don't agree that women who want to chat online or text for a while before meeting from OLD are stringing anyone along. I always suggest that we get to know each other a bit before meeting. Some guys are OK with that; some take offence and disappear - fine with me!

 

I have chatted to quite a few guys online, I admit. I have found that if you chat for a week or two, then their true colours come out. First conversations can be fine; they can seem great. Two or three conversations later, they can sound very different. You start to hear about the fetishes, the controlling behaviour, the attitudes, the temper, the attempts to patronise and manipulate you, the lack of respect for your privacy or safety..

 

A week or 2? what a waste of time. Just get up from your pc and meet them for a coffee. All of your questions will be answered in 1 hour and you won't waste 2 weeks of your life.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Honestly. I'd love to hear some examples of this.

And how on earth the conversation would get into these areas. It's just texting.

 

Maybe by refusing to meet early you are putting off the guys with a bit of self esteem and attracting the more loser types that will take any crumb they are given....

 

I've had a few 'conversations' via texting before meeting. Mostly b/c timing was not right to meet right away, so got to know one another via texting until the meet-up. Believe me, you can go from completely innocent to having nude pics sent to you. Personal experience. In both cases, for me, the ladies were gorgeous professionals (one Psychologist and other a business woman in upper management) who were truly looking for a LTR. The physical part of the relationship was great, but, alas, the distance became an issue in the end. And, oh, their other baggage became apparent after meeting.

 

Yeah, so it is possible to discover some changes in 'behavior', communication and boundaries if you text long enough. I prefer meeting sooner than later, but at times, it doesn't happen.