FWB situation - I need some serious scolding, LS

[Lorenza]

Dear LS, I really need you to give me some scolding and telling-off for my endless stupidity and lack of self-respect. Like go for it, maybe something in my brain will finally click, because I'm feeling like the most pathetic person in the world.

 

So I'm FWB with an ex. It wasn't even a good relationship, but I'm having a hard time to let it go. He always comes back and never dumps me too far. But the relationship is non-existent. If I wasn't a priority nr 1 in the relationship, I'm even less of a priority now.

 

At first it seemed like I can go on with the FWB thing, he's not a boyfriend material anyway, but he's fun to be around with and he's good in bed. Besides, I've gotten attached to him as if he was a family member. So for almost 2 months it seemed like I've no hard feelings when we would sleep together and then he'd disappear.

 

But it has started to take a toll on me. I noticed how my libido has dropped to the floor. Seems like sex without a relationship doesn't thrill me to the slightest, even though it's good. It has started causing me a strong feeling of emptiness.

 

I just don't get it, I'm more and more successful in other spheres in my life, got awesome friends, progressing in my career, doing things I love to do. But in the love sphere I'm pretty pathetic and let myself be stamped on.

 

I don't even complain anymore when my FWB doesn't write to me for days or doesn't hear from himself on a day we were supposed to meet. He only gets more involved when he really needs to get laid. He's not a bad person, but I think he is using my weakness and I allow it. I've become completely the opposite of needy.

 

How to get out of this circle? I just want him to end it, cause for some reason I cannot do it myself, feels like cutting out a family member? Even if I feel much better on my own, I cannot say no when he wants to come over(which is more and more rarely).

 

I tried to seek therapy, but it's almost impossible without having really serious symptoms like depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. Those I don't have, I'm just sad and spineless and have desillusion attachment. Seems like my problem is not sufficient enough for them to involve me into evaluation process and they told me I might not get a spot cause there are people in bigger need.

Private therapy is costly.

 

So I'm turning to the LS therapy, lol.

 

You can go on read my 1000 other posts about this guy.

Be harsh as much as you want, maybe harsh words will kick me out of this depressive state and to find strength to stop seeing him when he needs me.

[DK_Casus]

We're human, we make mistakes.

 

We all - and I do mean ALL - need love and some kind of physical confirmation.

 

What you're describing doesn't really smack of needing therapy. It's more or less par for the course in this thing we call human life.

 

To let go of it, in whatever form, takes strength and it means you have to let your brain rather than your heart do the work.

 

You already know, obviously, so the only thing left is to move on.

 

Now, the easy way to do this is to get another guy - which I wouldn't recommend, as it'd be a rebound and would likely spell **** for both you and him.

 

So, the hard way - and in my world the only way - is to cut contact 100% and focus on all the other areas of your life, including self-improvement.

 

At some point, you will be strong enough to move on for real - and you'll be ready.

[PegNosePete]

He will never end it. He is having his cake and eating it. Why would he end it? He is getting exactly what he wants. Free sex. I mean why would he go and meet other girls and spend money wining/dining them, only to be rejected... when he can tap you for free?

 

You will never find happiness unless you take control of your life, and take positive action for yourself.

[stillafool]

I think people have been harsh on you before trying to help. Nothing we say will help you until you help yourself. You will get better when you start loving yourself as much as you love men. I think you like how he treats you because you put up with it.

[SpiralOut]

Have you told him how you feel? If he really cares about you, he'll respect you enough to back off. But if he continues to contact you to try and sleep with you, well, that'll show his true colors.

 

I've been in a similar situation, and that's what I did. It was the only thing that allowed me to disconnect emotionally. Your silence implies that you are okay with what's happening.

[Lorenza]

I think people have been harsh on you before trying to help. Nothing we say will help you until you help yourself. You will get better when you start loving yourself as much as you love men. I think you like how he treats you because you put up with it.

 

I certainly don't like it. Actually I hate it. But can someone be hooked up on feeling bad? I don't know how to get out of it.

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear you couldn't get into funded therapy. The public health system does have its limits.

 

You probably already know this, but sex and orgasms release bonding hormones. Each time you have sex with him, you're delaying your healing process. It's like picking off the scab before it has fully healed, over and over and over. No good can come out of it.

 

If you absolutely MUST meet him (and I obviously advise against that, but anyway...), meet him in a public place and leave some really embarrassing things around in your room so you won't feel tempted to take him back.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I never understood how any self respecting woman would get into a FWB situation.

 

I'm generalizing here, but women tend to be more mentally attached to the sex act than guys. It's more emotional for them, if there's not a connection of some kind, I don't see how it can last.

 

Guys in a FWB just want to get their nut. You are filling the role of warm, moist hole for 15 minutes.

 

On a long term, recurring basis, I do not see how any woman would/could deal with being treated like that.

 

Also, if you are a woman, you have infinite choices about who you can/will bang. Guys do not. Unless they look like Brad Pitt or something.

[DK_Casus]

I certainly don't like it. Actually I hate it. But can someone be hooked up on feeling bad? I don't know how to get out of it.

 

It's not unlike any other addiction.

 

Not rocket science.

 

People don't drink because they like hangovers.

[Lorenza]

Have you told him how you feel? If he really cares about you, he'll respect you enough to back off. But if he continues to contact you to try and sleep with you, well, that'll show his true colors.

 

I've been in a similar situation, and that's what I did. It was the only thing that allowed me to disconnect emotionally. Your silence implies that you are okay with what's happening.

 

I just did...

Told him how the situation makes me suffer but I can't let it go because of attachement issues and that I really need him to be a friend and help me out, by letting me go.

Will see if he understands me...

[No_Go]

Lorenza is this the same guy that you wrote about before? The cancer survivor etc?

 

I think you're just very attached to him if this is the same person. I can't blame you - it is hard to let go. I'm in a similar situation with my long term bf - we are now just people that have sex together. However - I don't take it personal. Sex is good, this was never the problem in the relationship so why would it be now? I hear over and over people saying women are 'used' for sex - to me that translates 'women are asexual and are "giving" sex to satisfy men's needs'... In my case, and I guess in yours, the sex is also OUR need... So nobody is being 'used'.

 

I want to say though don't try to get him being more involved by words or letters. If he's not - this won't help. What will help is some kind of a shock factor. I don't know what, maybe a slap n the face by someone that he cares about. Is that you, a friend, a family member - I don't know. But without that shock factor I see this situation going on and on and on...

 

How lomg have you been bf/gf anf then fwb-s?

[Redhead14]

I certainly don't like it. Actually I hate it. But can someone be hooked up on feeling bad? I don't know how to get out of it.

 

It's still a self-esteem issue . . . negative attention is better than no attention. Some people with such low self-esteem are actually comfortable with the uncomfortable because on some level that's what they feel they deserve.

 

How do you get out of it? You get resolved and pull up all the strength you have to remind yourself that you deserve better. You can't do that for yourself if you keep seeing/dating men because each time you fail and suffer the hurt, you create more baggage that gets piled up and you never can get out from under it.

 

Be NIKE -- "Just Do It". Get tough on yourself. Hold yourself to higher standards. Break away from this guy once and for all. Don't settle for less than you want and deserve. Do it right now to try to stop this cycle. If you do this for yourself now, you'll be taking the first big step for yourself and you will draw strength and dignity from it. Yeah, it'll be difficult, but if you push yourself, come through to the other side, you will start feeling a little better for having done it and will have more strength when you do start dating again to recognize and turn away from dating partners that don't meet your needs.

[Versacehottie]

He will never end it. He is having his cake and eating it. Why would he end it? He is getting exactly what he wants. Free sex. I mean why would he go and meet other girls and spend money wining/dining them, only to be rejected... when he can tap you for free?

 

You will never find happiness unless you take control of your life, and take positive action for yourself.

 

When he can tap you for free AND (i would add) for NO EFFORT. Inherent in that is YOUR acceptance that you are worth no effort. That's why you are depressed about this part of your life. If you don't accept that you are worth no effort, i.e. don't take the FWB arrangement, you give yourself the message that you are worth more. You want more. That's why you don't want to cut off this "family member". It's unbalanced. Cut him off to give yourself the space and chance for something better. Your gut is TELLING you that it's/you're not happy with this arrangement. Good luck

[elaine567]

This is the guy who more or less treated you like a fwb whilst you were dating. He was never there for you and regularly disappeared into his "mancave", so what on earth were you thinking agreeing to FWB terms under the illusion that it was just NSA sex?

It is never possible to have NSA sex with people you care about. He can do it as he is NOT emotionally invested in you.

 

YOU were heavily invested and he doesn't care, so for you to agree to a fwb arrangement is win win for him (he never really wanted anything else) and a complete disaster for you.

 

YOU are a person from your posts who needs love and attention and validation and security, a FWB is never a good idea for you. No wonder you feel empty and alone.

FWB arrangements are for horny people who NEED regular sex or for people who do not want to commit to a real relationship as they have been damaged in some way or they are too busy or they just do not want the hassle of a regular gf/bf, or are just too "young, free and single" for "real" serious relationships.

 

I guess you thought part of him was better than nothing and you hoped that he may have turned round one day and said "Lorenza I love and want you to be mine for ever and a day..." But that is fairy tale nonsense I am sorry to say.

[Lorenza]

We have talked and he understood me and promised to not pursue meeting me anymore, unless some time will pass and we can start seeing each other as platonic friends.

 

I have told him I cannot do this anymore and he said he's way too unstable for a relationship so he agrees to let me go, despite it being painful.

 

For the first time ever we mutually agreed on a NC. Before, we would keep contact after each break up.

 

So I can free myself and heal now.

 

@No_Go - yes, that's the same guy and I am attached to him beyond belief. I think my feelings for him are almost brotherly at this point. He is a great human being despite everything. It's hard to say how long we've been bf/gf since it was so up and down. But now that I took a step to free myself from these feelings, I hope to move on completely.

 

@Redhead - yes, that's what a chose to do now... I can't really understand my self-esteem issues, since I'm thinking highly of myself in most of situations, but in love I'm useless.

 

Wish me, guys, to have the strength to free myself from my own trap.

[PegNosePete]

Good luck, hope you have the strength to turn him away when he breaks NC because he's feeling horny. I give it a week.

[Redhead14]

We have talked and he understood me and promised to not pursue meeting me anymore, unless some time will pass and we can start seeing each other as platonic friends.

 

I have told him I cannot do this anymore and he said he's way too unstable for a relationship so he agrees to let me go, despite it being painful.

 

For the first time ever we mutually agreed on a NC. Before, we would keep contact after each break up.

 

So I can free myself and heal now.

 

@No_Go - yes, that's the same guy and I am attached to him beyond belief. I think my feelings for him are almost brotherly at this point. He is a great human being despite everything. It's hard to say how long we've been bf/gf since it was so up and down. But now that I took a step to free myself from these feelings, I hope to move on completely.

 

@Redhead - yes, that's what a chose to do now... I can't really understand my self-esteem issues, since I'm thinking highly of myself in most of situations, but in love I'm useless.

 

Wish me, guys, to have the strength to free myself from my own trap.

 

I'm thinking highly of myself in most of situations, but in love I'm useless -- Thinking highly of yourself about your job, your "superficial life", so to speak, does nothing to address the repressed emotional pain of your childhood and past relationship history. You should be proud of your accomplishments, etc., but all those things are what you use to distract yourself from somethings that you haven't fully processed and accepted in order to regain "who you really are" as a woman/person.

[joseb]

Yeah you need to block him as he will call once he is horny enough

 

And don't kid yourself. Platonic friends is not going to work. Block and move on.

[Lorenza]

Yeah you need to block him as he will call once he is horny enough

 

And don't kid yourself. Platonic friends is not going to work. Block and move on.

 

No, I'm not gonna block him, that's just silly - he haven't wronged me. I'm platonic friends with one of my exes, since few months ago. Took almost 2 years though. I don't like to pretend that people stop existing, unless they maliciously do me wrong.

Hope he really understood me and won't reach out until lots of time passes.

[Lorenza]

I'm thinking highly of myself in most of situations, but in love I'm useless -- Thinking highly of yourself about your job, your "superficial life", so to speak, does nothing to address the repressed emotional pain of your childhood and past relationship history. You should be proud of your accomplishments, etc., but all those things are what you use to distract yourself from somethings that you haven't fully processed and accepted in order to regain "who you really are" as a woman/person.

 

You're right and I wish I had a therapist to talk to.

But I actually happen to know what the unprocessed part is and what is stopping me from developing into a self-respecting woman. But I cannot find ways to deal with it.

[stillafool]

No, I'm not gonna block him, that's just silly - he haven't wronged me. I'm platonic friends with one of my exes, since few months ago. Took almost 2 years though. I don't like to pretend that people stop existing, unless they maliciously do me wrong.

Hope he really understood me and won't reach out until lots of time passes.

 

Then already you have failed. You want help but you don't want to do what it takes to move on. By not blocking him you are saying you want to hear from him again. You admit you're too weak to not see him and yet you won't block him so you don't hear from him thus giving you a chance to move on. It's hopeless talking to you when you won't help yourself.

[Lorenza]

Then already you have failed. You want help but you don't want to do what it takes to move on. By not blocking him you are saying you want to hear from him again. You admit you're too weak to not see him and yet you won't block him so you don't hear from him thus giving you a chance to move on. It's hopeless talking to you when you won't help yourself.

 

Ok look - I block my enemies. An ex is not an enemie. That's just plain stupid. By blocking you say - f you, I don't ever want to talk to you again. To a person you supposedly loved and cared about. Things are not working out so you just pretend they disappeared. How mature.

I support the idea of NC, but don't see the necessity to throw tantrums and block my exes, never done that before either.

 

I think I will be able to move on once we stop sleeping together..

[elaine567]

Going strict NC is not about "throwing tantrums" it is about protecting your own heart and mental well being.

 

This is not a normal ex, this is a guy who has manipulated you into accepting so little it is almost laughable, if it wasn't so sad.

Whilst others dine on fine wine and gourmet meals, with milk and honey in abundance, this guy has thrown you teeny tiny dry breadcrumbs that you have so gladly and thankfully gobbled up.

Now instead of being fit, strong and healthy on a great diet, you are now weak, emaciated and dying...

You are willingly self sabotaging yourself. Stop it.

 

Go strict NC and try to forget this guy completely, you will never be well until you remove yourself from his influence.

[DK_Casus]

Ok look - I block my enemies. An ex is not an enemie. That's just plain stupid. By blocking you say - f you, I don't ever want to talk to you again. To a person you supposedly loved and cared about. Things are not working out so you just pretend they disappeared. How mature.

I support the idea of NC, but don't see the necessity to throw tantrums and block my exes, never done that before either.

 

I think I will be able to move on once we stop sleeping together..

 

So, what you're saying is that you'd rather continue doing what you've done so far - which is not take the necessary steps and "hope for the best" - because that went so well in the past?

 

NC is exactly like going cold turkey - it's the same concept. You don't throw a tantrum - you make your well-being a priority.

 

If you feel you owe this person something, which kinda boggles the mind, then you could simply say "Sorry, I need to go full NC and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to talk to you - it's just for my own well-being."

 

Anyone with decency would be able to respect that.

 

But what you're really saying is that you still haven't accepted that you need to be rid of him - and you're making up excuses to keep him in your life.

 

Just like a drug addict would argue why "now is not the time for cold turkey."

 

Well, good luck with that approach.

[Lorenza]

We did agree on NC as I wrote in another post, after I told him how miserable I feel being in a situation that we are and how badly I need us to let go of each other. He said it has been hard to completely let go of me too. I do truly believe he has enough respect for me to not come back after this. Other times we broke up it was mostly me initiating contact too, while he was suggesting that he stops writing, if I need it.

So I don't really agree it was manipulations, I mean I accepted having this little contact almost without complaining. So I don't feel like a victim. I did want those meetings and held on breadcrumbs.