Younger BF not ready for marriage. Am I doomed?

[h0000]

I'm 27, BF is 25. Together for a year, all good times. But haven't moved in together or anything, we still have personal space.

 

 

Problem is I am at the stage where I know what I want: family and kids. He is at the stage he doesn't know what he wants. Or, scared, should I say.

Some of the things he said about marriage : "Divorce is scary." "Living with someone for the rest of the life is scary". "You won't be in love with someone forever. There will be moments you feel so annoyed by that person".

Other things he also said about marriage: "I can see myself getting married after 30 and having kids" and "It's worse to be alone than to be annoyed by your partner".

 

 

I guess it's understandable he feels scared and unsure about marriage since he is only 25. He isn't very experienced and I'm his first serious GF.I also don't plan to marry him anytime soon. But I guess I am worried he may never be ready and I will be too old when I realise that. And I know there are guys who are very family oriented no matter what age.

 

 

hmm, any advice what to do guys?

[basil67]

Have you told him how you feel? If so, what does he say?

[h0000]

Have you told him how you feel? If so, what does he say?

Well he knows I am pro marriage. He is not against it either he just doesn't know and bit scared.

I never discuss this issue with him..I don't think time is right and I don't know what to say , "I want to marry you"? "I can see myself marrying you one day"? I think that's bit too much. And I don't think right now he can imagine himself being married

[thecrucible]

In my experience, men usually have some kind of life plan. It doesn't matter which woman comes along if he has a particular path in mind. But perhaps he wants to get engaged at a certain point as a pathway to marriage. He may also want to move in together depending on what his personal views are on partnerships and marriage. He will definitely have some kind of trajectory in mind. To put things in perspective, one of my best friends has been dating her man for about 8 years. She's the same age as me and he is 30. They are living together but not married. I think I know you feel, OP. I know I'd be wondering the same.

[lana-banana]

"Divorce is scary." "Living with someone for the rest of the life is scary". "You won't be in love with someone forever. There will be moments you feel so annoyed by that person".

Other things he also said about marriage: "I can see myself getting married after 30 and having kids" and "It's worse to be alone than to be annoyed by your partner".

 

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. It can take a while for a guy to know what he wants, but it doesn't take a year for him to at least have some idea. These are not the words of someone who wants to marry you. If you want a family and kids you're going to have to look elsewhere, because as it is this sounds like the archetypal training wheels scenario.

[Gaeta]

At 27 do you want to wait another 5 years for him to make up his mind? and when he makes up his mind who says he'll want marriage and kids with you?

 

This man has not figured out yet what he wants to be when he grows up so he's far from giving you a dead line.

 

If you are serious about marriage and kids I'd move on and find a man that knows what he wants.

[h0000]

It can take a while for a guy to know what he wants, but it doesn't take a year for him to at least have some idea. These are not the words of someone who wants to marry you. If you want a family and kids you're going to have to look elsewhere, because as it is this sounds like the archetypal training wheels scenario.

 

He doesn't want to marry me now, I know that. He is more planning his career than family now.

And does that mean he won't ever want to marry me (or just start a family with me)? does that mean every 20ish guy should know who they want to settle down with after a year of dating?

[h0000]

At 27 do you want to wait another 5 years for him to make up his mind? and when he makes up his mind who says he'll want marriage and kids with you?

 

This man has not figured out yet what he wants to be when he grows up so he's far from giving you a dead line.

 

If you are serious about marriage and kids I'd move on and find a man that knows what he wants.

 

Believe it or not I was going to wait a few more years and see where he's at. I thought it wouldn't be fair to make decisions after just one year of dating. But of course I am also scared that I'm wasting my time. It's sad to cut him off, he would always make effort to make me happy. well I guess I need to give myself a deadline.

[Gaeta]

He doesn't want to marry me now, I know that. He is more planning his career than family now.

And does that mean he won't ever want to marry me (or just start a family with me)? does that mean every 20ish guy should know who they want to settle down with after a year of dating?

 

How does planning a career keeps him away from marriage or living together which I strongly suggest before you get married, dating only 1 year is not enough to be jumping into a marriage.

 

That's what marriage is about, you get together and build a life together, you are there for each other to support each other while building careers and a home together.

[Gaeta]

Believe it or not I was going to wait a few more years and see where he's at. I thought it wouldn't be fair to make decisions after just one year of dating. But of course I am also scared that I'm wasting my time. It's sad to cut him off, he would always make effort to make me happy. well I guess I need to give myself a deadline.

 

After a year dating he should be in love enough to speak about a future together. It's not long enough to put it into action but it's long enough to talk and plan a future together.

 

In your boyfriend's case he does not even know if he sees himself long term with someone so imagine how marriage and kids isn't even a thought for him.

 

If he said yes he wants it too but in 2-3 maybe 4 years I'd understand that but it's not even that, he is rejecting the concept of being with someone long term. That is why I think you are wasting your time.

[lana-banana]

And does that mean he won't ever want to marry me (or just start a family with me)?

 

Honestly? I think it does. If he wanted to marry you, or even had some idea that you were the one he wanted to marry, you would know. Men don't hide stuff like that. You would be talking about your hypothetical future together and making plans for when you were ready for marriage. Instead this guy is completely shutting down the idea.

 

oes that mean every 20ish guy should know who they want to settle down with after a year of dating?

 

No, not "every 20ish guy". But as I said above, when a man knows, he knows. And it usually doesn't take a year for a guy to know that he's with the woman who could be his wife someday.

 

Are you familiar with the training wheels phenomenon? Look it up. It's exactly your situation: a 25-year-old man with his first or second serious girlfriend. By 25 most women are more or less done maturing mentally, but men aren't. A dramatic shift tends to happen between 26 and 29 when the man more or less freaks out, reevaluates his life, and does something new. This can involve a career change or a move. It almost always involves dumping the current girlfriend for someone new that he frequently goes on to marry (even if he was previously opposed to marriage). His ex-girlfriend was the one who taught him how to be a good partner, hence the term "training wheels".

 

No, not all men go through this. But it's extremely common. Given his age and his anti-marriage warning flags I think there's a better than even chance it will happen to you. Even if it didn't, someone who doesn't want marriage when you do is already not a good match. You could try to talk it out but I don't think it will end the way you're hoping.

[preraph]

Well, the stupidest possible thing you can do is pressure someone who's not ready into having kids, so you really don't have a choice here except you can leave, but then what are you going to do? Date a new guy for a month and then rush into marriage because you're "ready"?

 

He's not ready and there's no reason at all that you can't just slow it down. Again, what choice do you have? No one is going to marry you in the next year no matter how ready you are, so you may as well relax and enjoy life.

[MarkIVSteel]

You're not really listening to what he's saying. Pay attention. "Divorce is scary".

 

With the current marriage climate and how feminized the family and divorce courts are, many men are avoiding marriage because they don't want to be dragged through a divorce that will devastate them.

 

He also feels like your decision to get married is born out of panic and not true love. You just see him as nothing more than a sperm donor.

[h0000]

I'm not pressuring him into marrying me right now. I don't have a problem waiting another few years as long as we are on the right track.

So I would feel safe if he is open to the idea of starting a family with me one day. Not saying he is shutting down the idea, but he doesn't know I guess. And some posters here said he should know, now...otherwise it's unlikely to happen.

 

 

Maybe I should have an open talk with him about this. I haven't talked directly to him regarding family and kids. They were all just general discussion.

[joseb]

He is 25 and you are his first serious relationship.

I don't know how he could know he was ready to marry you.

In my opinion no guy should be looking to marry at 25, especially to their first gf.

[Gaeta]

Maybe I should have an open talk with him about this. I haven't talked directly to him regarding family and kids. They were all just general discussion.

 

Well dear, if he said it's scary and he is not sure he even believes in marriage and long term in a general discussion you think if you ask him the same question but about you then the answer will be : of course I want marriage and kids with you?

[h0000]

He is 25 and you are his first serious relationship.

I don't know how he could know he was ready to marry you.

In my opinion no guy should be looking to marry at 25, especially to their first gf.

 

He had a GF during school/first year uni or something. I didn't think that count as serious? So yeah I'm unfortunately the first.

 

 

So maybe I will be the training wheels huh

[h0000]

Well dear, if he said it's scary and he is not sure he even believes in marriage and long term in a general discussion you think if you ask him the same question but about you then the answer will be : of course I want marriage and kids with you?

 

If I am going to end this, of course I will have a talk before I end this. Cant just disappear right?

[Gaeta]

If I am going to end this, of course I will have a talk before I end this. Cant just disappear right?

 

Oh of course you have to discuss this together and express to him what you wish for in this relationship. My comment was more about to not expect much difference in his reply.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Y

He also feels like your decision to get married is born out of panic and not true love. You just see him as nothing more than a sperm donor.

 

He is 25 and you are his first serious relationship.

I don't know how he could know he was ready to marry you.

In my opinion no guy should be looking to marry at 25, especially to their first gf.

 

 

My thoughts exactly on both of those points.

 

a) He is only 25, I don't know too many guys dreaming about marriage and kids at 25.

 

b) Women tend to commoditize marriage, and childbearing becomes a pressure point. For a lot of women it isn't even about falling in love and feeling like they want to spend the rest of their lives with X person because life would seem unbearable without in them, it's about meeting some social quota or ticking off an accomplishment from a life-list. And I can't see how that would make any guy feel good about marrying a person who is looking at marriage as a goal rather than an expression of deep love.

 

 

At this point, you are only together for 1 year, you should be thinking about what kind of relationship you have: are you good together, if you are building a solid foundation and becoming each other's best friends, can you count on each other when the chips are down, are you confidants and great lovers, and first and last person you look to in your day to make it all better.

 

 

He might change his mind as his love for you deepens, but he might not. If you are looking for someone who is more marriage minded perhaps you should date a guy over 30 who is also feeling the social pressures of settling down, because all his friends are doing exactly that. Then at least you both have that in common, the desire to move quickly with the decision to marry and have kids.

 

If your relationship is good don't ruin it with silly conversations that will just add unnecessary pressures and take the wind out of the relationship's sails. You can certainly express to him that you would like a future that includes marriage and children but you should never ask a man if he wants to marry you. Believe me he will show you with his actions and eventually let you know you are not getting away from him

 

If you feel in your heart of hearts he truly isn't the marrying type then don't spend more time with him. Move on to find someone who is.

[Buddhist]

You're basically waiting for him to grow up. Who knows how long this will take? You could be waiting until he is 30 or longer. If you are serious about your goals then cut him loose and find someone who is already there.

 

When a guy says things like he's scared to get divorced, scared to be with one person, he's basically telling you that he sees himself dating other people besides you. He sees an ending to your relationship at some point and himself meeting other people. In short he's not seeing you as the last stop of the love train.