Was I Wrong...

[OatsAndHall]

I have ventured into the world of online dating over the last year and it's been an entertaining experience, to say the least. I've had some exceptionally awkward interactions with women but also a few solid dates and a decent, four month long relationship. I've accepted the frustrations that go along with online dating but I can't wrap my had around the last woman that I interacted with..

 

Her and I had met over a site and had been chatting back and forth between text messages and over the phone for about a month. I was optimistic about this woman as we had many things in common, we have the same dry sense of humor and we had very open and personal conversations about ourselves and what we want out of life and a significant other. We had made several plans to meet but she lives an hour and half away from me and our work schedules just weren't matching up. We finally had a date and it was fantastic. It was one of the best dates I have ever been on; we spent seven hours together, laughing, talking about everything under the sun and just enjoying each others' company. It became a little bit too physical (yes, making out in a car like a couple of teenagers..) and we agreed that sleeping together wouldn't be a good idea on a first date, which is something that I never do.

 

We both agreed that we only dated one person at a time and made plans for a second date and to speak on the phone more often which is something that I enjoy. We also spoke about being open and honest with one another and that we needed to communicate properly in order for things to work. To me, it felt like we were establishing the basis for a wonderful relationship.

 

However, I sent her a "good morning" text several days later and didn't get a response. I know that she had read the text and she was always "Johnny On The Spot" when it came to responding to "good morning" and "good night" texts. I waited about an hour and shot her another text message, asking if everything was alright, she read it and I still didn't get a response. A few hours later, I had to get on the dating app and report and block an individual who was, for lack of a better term, "boiling bunnies". On this particular site, it shows who is online at the time and, low and behold, there she was.

Initially, I debated about saying anything to her about it or just letting it go. But, I was frustrated so I texted her and asked her if she was still actively looking for another person on dating websites, even though we had agreed that neither of us would be actively pursuing another person while we were "dating". Needless to say, the situation turned into an argument as she did not feel we were "dating" and she had "made no commitment to me". My response was simple. I told her that, even if she felt that way, I would hope that she would give it another date before looking into other men on these dating sites and that I imagine she would be devastated if I were to suddenly text her one day and inform her that I found someone else, particularly after we hit it off so well. Now, I will openly admit (as I did to her) that my worst character trait is being a bit controlling in relationships. It is not attractive and I have worked hard to put it aside. But, this was also one of the reasons why we discussed whether or not we dated multiple people at a time. Because it's just not how I operate, I have no issue with a woman that does but I also won't be involved with someone who is. It's not a jealousy issue for me as I'm perfectly comfortable in my own skin but I want to date someone who is focused on seeing if we will go anywhere first. If I get kicked to the curb after a few dates, so be it.

 

This was leading into a question, I apologize for posting a novel.. Was it wrong of me to be so confrontational in this situation? Was I being controlling? I am truly looking for honest answers as I am still working my way through the awkwardness of online dating and dating at my age in general..

[Redhead14]

I have ventured into the world of online dating over the last year and it's been an entertaining experience, to say the least. I've had some exceptionally awkward interactions with women but also a few solid dates and a decent, four month long relationship. I've accepted the frustrations that go along with online dating but I can't wrap my had around the last woman that I interacted with..

 

Her and I had met over a site and had been chatting back and forth between text messages and over the phone for about a month. I was optimistic about this woman as we had many things in common, we have the same dry sense of humor and we had very open and personal conversations about ourselves and what we want out of life and a significant other. We had made several plans to meet but she lives an hour and half away from me and our work schedules just weren't matching up. We finally had a date and it was fantastic. It was one of the best dates I have ever been on; we spent seven hours together, laughing, talking about everything under the sun and just enjoying each others' company. It became a little bit too physical (yes, making out in a car like a couple of teenagers..) and we agreed that sleeping together wouldn't be a good idea on a first date, which is something that I never do.

 

We both agreed that we only dated one person at a time and made plans for a second date and to speak on the phone more often which is something that I enjoy. We also spoke about being open and honest with one another and that we needed to communicate properly in order for things to work. To me, it felt like we were establishing the basis for a wonderful relationship.

 

However, I sent her a "good morning" text several days later and didn't get a response. I know that she had read the text and she was always "Johnny On The Spot" when it came to responding to "good morning" and "good night" texts. I waited about an hour and shot her another text message, asking if everything was alright, she read it and I still didn't get a response. A few hours later, I had to get on the dating app and report and block an individual who was, for lack of a better term, "boiling bunnies". On this particular site, it shows who is online at the time and, low and behold, there she was.

Initially, I debated about saying anything to her about it or just letting it go. But, I was frustrated so I texted her and asked her if she was still actively looking for another person on dating websites, even though we had agreed that neither of us would be actively pursuing another person while we were "dating". Needless to say, the situation turned into an argument as she did not feel we were "dating" and she had "made no commitment to me". My response was simple. I told her that, even if she felt that way, I would hope that she would give it another date before looking into other men on these dating sites and that I imagine she would be devastated if I were to suddenly text her one day and inform her that I found someone else, particularly after we hit it off so well. Now, I will openly admit (as I did to her) that my worst character trait is being a bit controlling in relationships. It is not attractive and I have worked hard to put it aside. But, this was also one of the reasons why we discussed whether or not we dated multiple people at a time. Because it's just not how I operate, I have no issue with a woman that does but I also won't be involved with someone who is. It's not a jealousy issue for me as I'm perfectly comfortable in my own skin but I want to date someone who is focused on seeing if we will go anywhere first. If I get kicked to the curb after a few dates, so be it.

 

This was leading into a question, I apologize for posting a novel.. Was it wrong of me to be so confrontational in this situation? Was I being controlling? I am truly looking for honest answers as I am still working my way through the awkwardness of online dating and dating at my age in general..

 

You had absolutely no right to confront her about this. You had only been on two dates. You were not in a dating relationship yet. Just because you had discussed the preference of dating only one person at a time, doesn't mean you've nailed this dating partner down. You had not asked her to be exclusive with you and doing that after 2 dates would have been rushing things anyway. Until you've established exclusivity with a woman, she's free to date and see anyone she wants, anytime she wants.

 

And, frankly, you waited "several days" to reach out to her again, she probably assumed you were moving on anyway. If you are really interested in a woman who is actively dating, you need to be a little more proactive about maintaining contact at least, and setting up another date fairly soon if you like the woman. I would not be sitting around for several days waiting for a guy with whom I had only 2 dates to contact me. If I had others who were interested in dating me, I'd go out with them.

[BDJ_1]

In my opinion (1) a month is too long to text/phone before you meet (2) good morning texts are too much after one date only and (3) getting agitated because she didn't respond after one hour is a melt down.

 

You're dating styles seem to clash. You are full on from the get go, she seems not to want to be so intense after one date.

 

I can see how you may have an issue with being controlling. You should take a look at that.

[OatsAndHall]

You had absolutely no right to confront her about this. You had only been on two dates. You were not in a dating relationship yet. Just because you had discussed the preference of dating only one person at a time, doesn't mean you've nailed this dating partner down. You had not asked her to be exclusive with you and doing that after 2 dates would have been rushing things anyway. Until you've established exclusivity with a woman, she's free to date and see anyone she wants, anytime she wants.

 

And, frankly, you waited "several days" to reach out to her again, she probably assumed you were moving on anyway. If you are really interested in a woman who is actively dating, you need to be a little more proactive about maintaining contact at least, and setting up another date fairly soon if you like the woman. I would not be sitting around for several days waiting for a guy with whom I had only 2 dates to contact me. If I had others who were interested in dating me, I'd go out with them.

 

We did talk the following day. I didn't wait two days, I should have prefaced that. I guess that is where my disconnect is in this whole thing. I suppose I took the term "dating" too literally and read into it when we talked about only dating one person at a time.

[kendahke]

I think so.

 

Perhaps what you need right now is to do some work on yourself and not pursue relationships. You hadn't really gotten to the point where you could make demands on her behavior. That would make anyone run, male or female.

 

Also, I think that the month you two had asynchronous schedules allowed you to build her up to be someone she really isn't, and you're grappling with integrating your ideal with her reality.

 

I'd lay off contacting her. It's becoming a bit overwhelming.

[OatsAndHall]

I am working hard to avoid being controlling. It's certainly a serious character flaw for me.

 

I'm really not used to dating in this "wondrous" technological age. It's difficult for me because the technological space creates what I am seeing as a false sense of intimacy. These deep and open text/phone conversations seem like they're forming more of a connection for me than they really are. This woman and I shared many things via text and phone conversations and I made the false assumption that we were getting to know one another more than we really were. I'm not used to opening up to ANYONE like that until we've met a few times.

 

And no, we will not be talking anymore. I was controlling and she went packing.

[Satu]

I think you were trying to make something happen, rather than allowing things to unfold naturally over time.

 

She will have perceived it as you putting her under pressure.

 

When someone feels that way, they back off.

 

 

Take care.

[BDJ_1]

I am working hard to avoid being controlling. It's certainly a serious character flaw for me.

 

I'm really not used to dating in this "wondrous" technological age. It's difficult for me because the technological space creates what I am seeing as a false sense of intimacy. These deep and open text/phone conversations seem like they're forming more of a connection for me than they really are. This woman and I shared many things via text and phone conversations and I made the false assumption that we were getting to know one another more than we really were. I'm not used to opening up to ANYONE like that until we've met a few times.

 

And no, we will not be talking anymore. I was controlling and she went packing.

 

Less phone conversations and texts, more face to face dates.

[Satu]

snip

 

And no, we will not be talking anymore. I was controlling and she went packing.

 

Being as you know you have a tendency to sometimes behave that way, you can think about what other new behaviour you could replace it with.

 

Think about what you could do which might bring you a positive result if you're ever in a similar situation again.

 

Your mind is the easiest thing to change.

 

 

Take care.

[OatsAndHall]

I think you were trying to make something happen, rather than allowing things to unfold naturally over time.

 

She will have perceived it as you putting her under pressure.

 

When someone feels that way, they back off.

 

 

Take care.

 

I guess that it where I am kind of struggling with the whole thing. Other than being an a--, lol.. I really was just trying to let things unfold slowly, give her room to open up, and I didn't push meeting or talking on the phone. I let her make those calls. I have dated many women over the years and I either feel some kind of connection to them or I don't as I'm introverted. I s'pose I overestimated the connection that was growing over text and phone calls but I've had more than my fair share of dates and this one was exceptional. And not just because of my falsely perceived connection: we truly did click on a lot of levels. I did express to her how excited I was to meet her and how much fun I had which may have come across as pushy.

 

But, in the end. I made a mistake. Live and learn.

[OatsAndHall]

Less phone conversations and texts, more face to face dates.

 

I agree. I have been kind of gun-shy about asking women to meet face to face after talking for a few weeks as I don't want to come across as pushy. Maybe I need to be more assertive.

[kendahke]

I agree. I have been kind of gun-shy about asking women to meet face to face after talking for a few weeks as I don't want to come across as pushy. Maybe I need to be more assertive.

 

If for no other reason, you want to meet then before you begin constructing who you'd like for them to be from texts and phone calls. Nothing beats face to face interaction as soon as possible.

 

You have to be ok with girls not wanting to meet soon--some of them aren't really serious and don't want to meet in person for a myriad of reasons. If they don't want to meet you, you have to cut them off and keep going. That's the way you have to be with online dating. Plenty of people are more than happy to waste your time.

[Herbalist]

Hey OP I feel the same way that you do, but we are abnormal.

 

If I become interested in someone, my mind just tunes out all other prospects, I focus one the one person and I want to get to know them and see if there is potential there or not. Then if there is not, I mentally disengage and am open to focusing on the next interest whenever it should happen. That is just how my brain works.

 

But most people are not like this. It is not a matter of right or wrong, again it is just that my brain works this way but it is not the norm. It also freaks people out much of the time.

 

So what you have to do is first of all keep it to yourself. Don't tell someone after just 1-2 dates that you are only going to focus on them. Let them assume that you are like everyone else and that you will continue to look for other possible partners in the meantime. Like don't lie, but just don't bring it up at all. And don't expect or ask them to only focus on you, either, until it's been at least several weeks and if they also show signs of exclusive interest.

[Satu]

snip

 

But, in the end. I made a mistake. *Live and learn.

 

That's the secret; to live and learn.

 

Here's a quote for you to mull over:

 

 

“Love is begun by time, And time qualifies the spark and fire of it.”

 

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet – Act 4, Scene 7.

 

 

That was the missing ingredient in your interactions with this woman: Time.

 

 

Take care.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Well the thing I see mostly wrong with this situation is that you were also on the dating app. Let's call it that she was on there to block an undesirable, would you be satisfied with that response if you were to ask her what she was still doing on there?

 

My point is, that until you both decide you are exclusive and make the joint decision to remove yourselves from OLD then really you don't have a right to control what she is doing on there or even if she is on there. Why are you still on there and why do you care a bunny boiler is contacting you if you are no longer using the app/site? You were establishing a good basis but after one or two dates didn't and couldn't really have the exclusivity talk.

 

Welcome to the era of OLD I'm afraid...

[Redhead14]

We did talk the following day. I didn't wait two days, I should have prefaced that. I guess that is where my disconnect is in this whole thing. I suppose I took the term "dating" too literally and read into it when we talked about only dating one person at a time.

 

 

Up above you said "several" days. Two days would have been fine. I wouldn't assume the guy moved on after only 2 days.

 

And sure, it's good to have clarity about being on the same page in terms of dating only one person at a time. But, that doesn't come into play until you've declared that you want to focus on each other for a while and certainly not after only 2 dates.

 

There is a disconnect in the dating world, IMO, regarding multi-dating and people who only date one person at a time. It makes no sense to me at all for a person who says "they only date one person at a time" and expect them to know they only want to focus on you and vice versa after one or two dates.

 

I'd be put off by a man who takes me on one date and feels like I'm going to drop my life for him. I may never hear from him again anyway. Even after 2 or 3 dates he may move on and so might I. There were lots more first date partners that I never heard from again after that date than there were who came back for 2, 3 or more. So, I'm not putting my life on hold for a man until we agree on exclusivity and I'm not likely to do that after only 1 or 2 dates, that's for sure.

[OatsAndHall]

Up above you said "several" days. Two days would have been fine. I wouldn't assume the guy moved on after only 2 days.

 

And sure, it's good to have clarity about being on the same page in terms of dating only one person at a time. But, that doesn't come into play until you've declared that you want to focus on each other for a while and certainly not after only 2 dates.

 

There is a disconnect in the dating world, IMO, regarding multi-dating and people who only date one person at a time. It makes no sense to me at all for a person who says "they only date one person at a time" and expect them to know they only want to focus on you and vice versa after one or two dates.

 

I'd be put off by a man who takes me on one date and feels like I'm going to drop my life for him. I may never hear from him again anyway. Even after 2 or 3 dates he may move on and so might I. There were lots more first date partners that I never heard from again after that date than there were who came back for 2, 3 or more. So, I'm not putting my life on hold for a man until we agree on exclusivity and I'm not likely to do that after only 1 or 2 dates, that's for sure.

 

I'm not trying to condone my behavior, in any way as I should have approached things differently or not approached them at all. However, what defines a declaration of exclusivity? This woman and I had a lengthy conversation about only dating on person at a time and she stated that her biggest motivation in life was putting time and effort into a relationship. This has me seriously confused as everything within this hour long conversation revolved around us dating and putting effort towards a relationship. And, again, this was after talking for about it awhile and was in the middle of a date. I wrongly assumed that this was a discussion on exclusivity and over-reacted but, for future reference, do I just need to be straight forward and state that I don't date multiple people at a time?

 

I have no issue with a woman who dates multiple people at a time. I have done so in the past and it didn't work for me, for many reasons. I don't have an issue putting my dating life on hold for a little bit and focus on seeing if things continue to be a good fit. I don't generally agree to a first date after meeting someone on a dating website if I don't feel like we're going to be compatible or there have been red-flags for me after talking for a couple of weeks. I used to be much quicker about meeting a woman face to face when we met via a dating website but I've had some horrible first dates because I ignored things I knew would be a turn-off for me.

[kendahke]

I'm not trying to condone my behavior, in any way as I should have approached things differently or not approached them at all. However, what defines a declaration of exclusivity? This woman and I had a lengthy conversation about only dating on person at a time and she stated that her biggest motivation in life was putting time and effort into a relationship. This has me seriously confused as everything within this hour long conversation revolved around us dating and putting effort towards a relationship. And, again, this was after talking for about it awhile and was in the middle of a date. I wrongly assumed that this was a discussion on exclusivity and over-reacted but, for future reference, do I just need to be straight forward and state that I don't date multiple people at a time?

 

I have no issue with a woman who dates multiple people at a time. I have done so in the past and it didn't work for me, for many reasons. I don't have an issue putting my dating life on hold for a little bit and focus on seeing if things continue to be a good fit. I don't generally agree to a first date after meeting someone on a dating website if I don't feel like we're going to be compatible or there have been red-flags for me after talking for a couple of weeks. I used to be much quicker about meeting a woman face to face when we met via a dating website but I've had some horrible first dates because I ignored things I knew would be a turn-off for me.

 

This sounds like it just boils down to she changed her mind about going forward with you and doesn't know how to stand her in her truth and tell you.

[LD1990]

Let me get some clarification here - did you two agree that you would only be dating each other? Because it sounds like you two had a conversation where you both said that you're the type of people who date one person at a time. That's not the same as her committing to only dating you, although it's a bit misleading on her part. It seems to me like she may have sensed that you're very gung-ho on dating one person at a time, so she went along with it by telling you she's that type of person too.

 

Regardless, here's the way I look at it:

 

-Online dating is all about setting up an in-person date. Long text and phone conversations are a waste of time. She may not look like her pictures. You two may have no physical chemistry. Save the texting and talks on the phone until you've met her and know you really like her.

 

-Until you've decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you can't expect exclusivity. If you want a women to be yours, ask her to be your girlfriend.

 

-You have to realize that just because a first date was amazing for you doesn't necessarily mean she got the same butterflies. If she's not responding to your texts, it's time to cut your losses and move on. Sending multiple texts and asking her about her dating website activity makes you look insecure.

[kendahke]

All of this should be required reading for people entering into OLD:

 

Let me get some clarification here - did you two agree that you would only be dating each other? Because it sounds like you two had a conversation where you both said that you're the type of people who date one person at a time. That's not the same as her committing to only dating you, although it's a bit misleading on her part. It seems to me like she may have sensed that you're very gung-ho on dating one person at a time, so she went along with it by telling you she's that type of person too.

 

Regardless, here's the way I look at it:

 

-Online dating is all about setting up an in-person date. Long text and phone conversations are a waste of time. She may not look like her pictures. You two may have no physical chemistry. Save the texting and talks on the phone until you've met her and know you really like her.

 

-Until you've decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend, you can't expect exclusivity. If you want a women to be yours, ask her to be your girlfriend.

 

-You have to realize that just because a first date was amazing for you doesn't necessarily mean she got the same butterflies. If she's not responding to your texts, it's time to cut your losses and move on. Sending multiple texts and asking her about her dating website activity makes you look insecure.