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What kind of behaviour is this?


autolove

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Hi Everyone,

 

I am new here but I have been a lurker for a while :)

 

I need someone to help me understand the behaviour of my current girlfriend as I am struggling to do so. Warning - this may be a long story

 

We are both in our late 20's and this is my second serious relationship.... previously engaged for the wrong reasons. Gf at the time gave me an ultimatum and me like an idiot went through with it... Things ended shortly before the wedding because she decided I was not the right person for her and she met someone else and moved to a different country.

 

Fast forward and I meet this new woman and to be completely honest the vibe(first 1 month or two) when we first started talking was completely chill, easy going and overall seemed like an awesome woman. Started developing feelings and she told me the same. So to start off on an honest footing, I told her the story about my past.

 

As we hit the 6 month in our courtship, the fights were explosive. She has a fiery temper and often in the midst of an argument she would drive away rashly or swear and leave. I thought the behaviour was weird for someone closer to 30 to be acting like that. She would then ignore me for a few days and come back, say sorry and the same thing would continue for the next 6 months of the year. I told her, this is not normal behavior and I was not used to this in my past relationship and I am not a big fan of it. Whatever the issue is - we can discuss it like adults and try to move past it.

 

Now during this time, she was insisting the following year we get engaged even after the explosive fights and the erratic behaviour. I told her "lets not rush into that but take the time to get to know one another" She turns around and says even through the fighting I never stopped loving you.... But I say to her is it right? why do you keep doing it? Now not only does she act in a brash manner but she throws the fact that I proposed to a woman who didn't care and I won't propose to her because she loves me.... She is missing the fact that the arguments are annoying. Who in their right mind wants to walk on pins with their partner and be so mindful of how they say things and how it comes out.... she is very sensitive and easily irritable making it combative.

 

Also, when she is wrong - she never says I'm sorry - it's always a drag to get an apology.

She also says repeatedly - you know love me you love allison... I know you do - even though its been a few years since the break up...

 

She was put a time line on an engagement. We have been courting for almost 2 years. the first year was a complete **** show... she has been in 2 short relationships before. One the guy didn't care really... and the second he was talking to someone else while with her.

 

I am struggling to understand this behaviour. Can someone please help me?

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Ya she has mental illness.....she's bipolar or suffers from borderline personality disorder.

 

 

Either way she is toxic and you need to end it.....this you cannot fix. her exes were actually running for the hills, and not what she told you.

Edited by smackie9
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Guys, for some unknown reason she now hates most of my friends just because they do not agree with her opinions.

 

A few hours earlier she told me she loved me and now we are in a tiff over what I am not sure but it's heated. Every time I try to talk to her she ignores the phone call but sends a HUGE text.

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autolove,

This girl has serious problems. I'm not qualified to say what they are but whatever label you want to put on her behaviour won't help.

 

Just pack this in before she makes you as loopy as she is. :)

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Guys, for some unknown reason she now hates most of my friends just because they do not agree with her opinions.

 

A few hours earlier she told me she loved me and now we are in a tiff over what I am not sure but it's heated. Every time I try to talk to her she ignores the phone call but sends a HUGE text.

 

Did you read what the other posters said?

 

Tell you what, read your own first post as if it was written by someone else.

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Why are you still with her? Serious question.

 

she tells me over and over again she loves me deeply and her world will end if we were to break up or not get engaged soon....

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she tells me over and over again she loves me deeply and her world will end if we were to break up or not get engaged soon....

 

So you're with her out of pity? Surely you know this is not the basis for a marriage.

 

I don't know if you realise this, but you're stringing her along. She's not marriage material. You know this and it's why you're not proposing. But you're not ending it either. She's stuck in a no man's land with a guy who won't marry her and who won't cut the cord. As horrible as her behaviour is, you need to be fair to her. You need to poop or get off the pot.

 

I know that it's hard leaving someone when you know their world will collapse without you. I've been there too. And he pretty much had a breakdown when I ended it. But staying with him would have been more wrong. Thing is, we can't be responsible for someone else's mental health.

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Hi Everyone,

 

I am new here but I have been a lurker for a while :)

 

I need someone to help me understand the behaviour of my current girlfriend as I am struggling to do so. Warning - this may be a long story

 

We are both in our late 20's and this is my second serious relationship.... previously engaged for the wrong reasons. Gf at the time gave me an ultimatum and me like an idiot went through with it... Things ended shortly before the wedding because she decided I was not the right person for her and she met someone else and moved to a different country.

 

Fast forward and I meet this new woman and to be completely honest the vibe(first 1 month or two) when we first started talking was completely chill, easy going and overall seemed like an awesome woman. Started developing feelings and she told me the same. So to start off on an honest footing, I told her the story about my past.

 

As we hit the 6 month in our courtship, the fights were explosive. She has a fiery temper and often in the midst of an argument she would drive away rashly or swear and leave. I thought the behaviour was weird for someone closer to 30 to be acting like that. She would then ignore me for a few days and come back, say sorry and the same thing would continue for the next 6 months of the year. I told her, this is not normal behavior and I was not used to this in my past relationship and I am not a big fan of it. Whatever the issue is - we can discuss it like adults and try to move past it.

 

Now during this time, she was insisting the following year we get engaged even after the explosive fights and the erratic behaviour. I told her "lets not rush into that but take the time to get to know one another" She turns around and says even through the fighting I never stopped loving you.... But I say to her is it right? why do you keep doing it? Now not only does she act in a brash manner but she throws the fact that I proposed to a woman who didn't care and I won't propose to her because she loves me.... She is missing the fact that the arguments are annoying. Who in their right mind wants to walk on pins with their partner and be so mindful of how they say things and how it comes out.... she is very sensitive and easily irritable making it combative.

 

Also, when she is wrong - she never says I'm sorry - it's always a drag to get an apology.

She also says repeatedly - you know love me you love allison... I know you do - even though its been a few years since the break up...

 

She was put a time line on an engagement. We have been courting for almost 2 years. the first year was a complete **** show... she has been in 2 short relationships before. One the guy didn't care really... and the second he was talking to someone else while with her.

 

I am struggling to understand this behaviour. Can someone please help me?

 

I have a close friend who is like this with her relationships. She has borderline personality disorder and is very unstable with them. Extremely hot and cold. I love her, but I see the pattern in their responses to her over time. She has driven them crazy and many say she is extremely vindictive and emasculating. It does not get better. I would walk away before you become miserable, like many of my friend's exes claimed.

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she tells me over and over again she loves me deeply and her world will end if we were to break up or not get engaged soon....

 

That is the absolute worst justification for being with someone.

 

And yes. Her behaviour and even the way she phrases things makes it sound like bpd to me.

 

In any case, you need to end this and be thorough about doing it properly.

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she tells me over and over again she loves me deeply and her world will end if we were to break up or not get engaged soon....

 

 

Regardless of whatever diagnosis might be applied to her, her behavior is unacceptable and would certainly become more and more intolerable over time.

 

What she does is immature and abusive. I find it odd that she is giving you an ultimatum regarding engagement. To me, you gave her a heads up by teling her that one of your past girlfriends coerced you into becoming engaged. I'd say she now believes that you can be manipulated and is using that against you -- again.

 

Don't do it! Move on right now.

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she tells me over and over again she loves me deeply and her world will end if we were to break up or not get engaged soon....

 

So for the exact same reasons you got engaged to the last girl. Don't you see a pattern forming here?

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she tells me over and over again she loves me deeply and her world will end if we were to break up or not get engaged soon....

This is what is called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. It's a desperate manipulative way to hold you captive. It's a form of abuse. Dear don't buy into her bullzhit.

 

You cannot fix this.....she needs therapy/professional help.....not your problem.....get the hell out of this toxic relationship.

Edited by smackie9
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Ya she has mental illness.....she's bipolar or suffers from borderline personality disorder.

 

 

Either way she is toxic and you need to end it.....this you cannot fix. her exes were actually running for the hills, and not what she told you.

 

I've known people who have hot tempers and weren't mentally ill. Some say it's cultural or that they're "passionate." One could even say that the highly emotional, overly dramatic overstatement is becoming more normalized in the US.

 

Regardless of what it is, break up with her, OP. Life would be a draining rollercoaster with her.

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I don't mean to stereotype, but there are a LOT of women like this. For one reason or another, they think fighting is the way to get what they want (I've dated quite a few women like this).

 

There is 0 evidence showing that when you guys have a disagreement that you'll be able to work through it like adults. Anger is OK -- it's a human emotion -- to explode every single time? Not OK.

 

This is an issue that she can ONLY fix herself by realizing she has a problem, and by seeking help.

 

She isn't willing to do this. Not yet anyway.

 

Move on. For your own sanity.

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AutoLove, I agree with Smakie, Selinaluv, and Jose that the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums and drama, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim" are red flags for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD (i.e., severe traits) but, rather, that she may be a BPDer (i.e., exhibit moderate to strong traits of it).

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about childish behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

The vibe(first 1 month or two) when we first started talking was completely chill, easy going and overall seemed like an awesome woman.... As we hit the 6 month in our courtship, the fights were explosive.
If she is a BPDer, this delay in the onset of her symptoms is to be expected. During the courtship period, a BPDer typically is convinced that her new partner is the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In this way, her infatuation holds her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Yet, as soon as her infatuation starts to wane -- typically at 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- those two fears will return and you will start triggering them. At that point, her anger and other traits will start to show.

 

She has a fiery temper and often in the midst of an argument she would drive away rashly or swear and leave.
One of the nine defining traits for BPD (i.e., 9 symptoms used in diagnosing it) is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." See, e.g., BPD Symptoms at NIMH.

 

I thought the behaviour was weird for someone closer to 30 to be acting like that.
If she really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old. She therefore must rely on the primitive ego defenses that are available to a young child. These include, e.g., temper tantrums, projection, denial, black-white thinking, and magical thinking.

 

Who in their right mind wants to walk on pins with their partner and be so mindful of how they say things and how it comes out.... she is very sensitive and easily irritable making it combative.
It is common for the abused partners in BPDer relationships to complain that they oftentimes feel like they have to walk on pins and needles -- or walk on eggshells -- to avoid triggering another temper tantrum. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused partners) is titled Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

She was insisting the following year we get engaged even after the explosive fights and the erratic behaviour.
Because BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image, they absolutely HATE to be alone and have a great fear of abandonment. It therefore is common for a BPDer to create "explosive fights" and abuse her partner without wanting him to leave. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

 

Also, when she is wrong - she never says I'm sorry.
If she is a BPDer, she is filled with so much self loathing and shame that the last thing she wants to find is one more thing to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. A BPDer's subconscious thus will work 24/7 protecting her conscious mind from seeing too much of reality. The subconscious accomplishes this by projecting all of her fears and hurtful feelings onto her partner. In this way, a BPDer is able to frequently obtain "validation" of her false self image of being "The Victim." Always "The Victim." This means, of course, that her partner will be blamed for every misfortune and unhappiness.

 

She now hates most of my friends just because they do not agree with her opinions.
If she is a BPDer, she is too emotionally immature to tolerate strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, or other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. She thus will categorize everyone as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because she is too immature to handle the gray areas, she perceives of other people in this black-white manner. Likewise, you should see her flip -- in only ten seconds -- between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) if she is a BPDer. And, perhaps a week or two later, she will flip back just as quickly.

 

She also says repeatedly - you know love me you love allison... I know you do - even though its been a few years since the break up.
Irrational jealousy is one of the warning signs for BPD. As I noted earlier, BPDers have a great fear of abandonment.

 

She tells me over and over again she loves me deeply.
If she is a BPDer, she likely does love you very intensely. But it is the type of immature love that one sees in young children. A young child will absolutely adore Daddy when he brings out the toys -- but will instantly switch to hating Daddy when he takes one of the toys away. BPDers exhibit this same type of love, which is both intense and intermittent. That is, the BPDer seems to switch her love off and on like it is a light bulb.

 

Actually, the love is still there somewhere in her mind. What happens is that her conscious mind can handle only one intense feeling at a time. Hence, when she is experiencing strong conflicting feelings, her subconscious puts the conflicting feeling out of reach of her conscious mind. Because BPDer love is so intense and so intermittent, a BPDer's feelings are sometimes described as being "a mile wide and an inch deep."

 

I am struggling to understand this behaviour. Can someone please help me?
My advice, given your reluctance to leave your GF, is that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Smakie, Selinaluv, and Jose in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, AutoLove.

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Her world will not end if she does not marry you. She needs to learn not to use others as targets for her short fuse and work on that...whether due to mental illness or just naturally fiery temper, she needs to take responsibility for this and work on it.

 

But you need to take care of yourself. She has set herself and you up so that if you go with this, it will just enable her to use you more in this fashion. If this is unacceptable to you...you know what needs to be done.

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Update - It's been a week and a bit since I last communicated with you guys.

 

Following are the events

 

1) I sat her down and explained how I felt, where we stood and what we should do. I tried to explain to her how she has made me feel and I admitted I am no perfect being and that I too have flaws and we can work on them together... she immediately reacted with, this is how I know you don't love me... "regardless of the argument I always come back to you" I have different ways of coping with it. So clearly nothing got through to her.

 

2) She always wants to go through my phone, my call log, text messages and emails (business and personal) I am not okay with this at all. I have nothing to hide at all. I work in a risk based/compliance role and sometimes I like to keep my stuff private because when she goes through it and sees the email thread is from a woman... she asks a ton of questions. I generally do not answer or I say "It's not the right time to discuss"

 

3) Another thing that stands out is - when my older brother (who is my best friend) says I love you Tom, if she is in the conversation - immediately butts in with "I am Tom's first love" or he should love me first and then everyone else. I find that really weird.

 

4) She says part of the reason why she is behaving like this is because I do not stand up for her. But the problem is I find her behaviour petty, childish and immature. I cannot fight for something I do not believe in. Especially someone with a strong sense of judgement and opinion of others. No one is perfect, everyone has their own cross to bare so why judge and assume how other people are coming across. She recently had a tiff with my brothers gf and before meeting to sort the situation with her, she would constantly complain and whine about her. I would tell her - whatever problem you have, you must muster up the coverage to deal with it or talk to the person. She wanted me to shout and create an argument with bgf. Again she says I don't defend her and because she is not really friendly with the brothers gf, that I should not be friendly with her too... But again bgf has done nothing to harm me. Therefore, I would communicate as per normal.

 

I have indicated to her - we are not in a good place and a break up would be inevitable at this pace. She apologizes, cries and says I will make the changes. This is the last straw for me as it is taking a toll on my own health, the close relationships with my friends and family.

 

Do you think her parents know of this behaviour? She is the last of 9 kids and there is a 6 year gap I think from the 8th... How can her parents condone this? They asked me a while back about my intentions before all of this happened... But I don't know if they are just rrying to get her married or they don't know.

Edited by autolove
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Just break up with her. Its too big of a step for her to curb her behaviour, and my experience with these things is they never get any better.

 

Yeah my runins with people like this I usually concluded they weren't brought up too well. I see your assuming the same thing.

Edited by dispatch3d
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I got to paragraph 3 I think.

Skimmed your next post.

 

Why don't you end it?

You aren't happy.

 

Maybe I should put it another way:

How many days/weeks/months/years/decades of your life are you happy for this to continue?

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Nothing to understand here. She lacks relationship skills. Up to you whether you want to continue on or not. If she's not amenable to learning better skills this isn't going to be a great match. Move on.

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