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Is this normal behavior, when should I be concerned?


gorf

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Dating her say 8 months. She is very attractive and guys are constantly hitting on her. Its been something I have more and more gotten used to. Although I don't suspect her of cheating or that sorta stuff.. there are times, a lot of times, that for example a guy will hit on her.. and its like she wont completely shut him down. What I mean is, she mentions to the guys she has a BF or in a relationship (as she tells me, or sometimes I see when she shows me messages) ok .... but the guy's never seem to 'go away.' Its beginning to look like a pattern to me. Once or twice, a thick headed guy not getting the message.. I can understand that. But this is all the time, the guys never seem to go away. Like they are hawking, waiting, and completely disregarding my existence and the fact that she told them she is dating a guy, me. Like a pattern now.

 

For example: a guy who is a friend of a friend, not even her friend, she doesnt even really like him much. He comes around every once and a while since Ive known her 8 months now, messaging things like "whats up etc etc etc you got a bf?" or "still with that guy?" things along those lines. Every time, that is all he messages her for. She tells him yeah, and a few weeks later hes back. Then a few later hes back. He messages on fb and I see the messages, now I dont see him as a big threat, hes unhealthy and gross and sleezy. Anyway, hes not a threat. But hes still here. He only messages every few weeks/months to see basically if she is single yet. The last message he sends her a few days back he says "whats your number?" He always messages her on fb (all he does is message anyway) but she gives the number to him...Now maybe she felt pressured and didnt know what to say. Im just speculating there. Should I be ok with this?

Another example, a guy she went to hs with, never talked to, hardly even an acquaintance other than a FB friend, he sees her in the store and chats for a min (she tells me this) and he proceeds to asks her if she has a BF. She tells him yes. Then the next day, he messages her for the first time on FB with a "hey whats up, wish we had more time to talk but I had to leave real quick" ......... sounds like he's fishing to meet up with her? I dunno. She replys with a "haha yeah" and thats it.

 

What's being said, or NOT being said, while I am not around, that these guys though they are TOLD she has a bf by HER, that they keep coming around??? Its like I don't exist or something. Am I over-reacting? Its just starting to look 'off' to me. I have a feeling its a mix of feeling pressured & not wanting to look like an ass. I get it, if that is the case.. I have asked her, and she has once said she feels like sometimes she is being 'too friendly' and maybe thats why she keeps getting hit on.

 

These are just 2 examples, Im almost seeing a pattern and its beginning to make me uncomfortable. Am I being insecure? How should I go about talking to her about it, this is ongoing. Should I just put up with it?

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So if anyone has any input I would be thankful to anything at all. Im kinda stumped and frustrated at this point. Not sure what to say to her or if I should even bring it up. No idea if this is legit concern or im over reacting. Thanks everybody!

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Dating her say 8 months. She is very attractive and guys are constantly hitting on her. Its been something I have more and more gotten used to. Although I don't suspect her of cheating or that sorta stuff.. there are times, a lot of times, that for example a guy will hit on her.. and its like she wont completely shut him down. What I mean is, she mentions to the guys she has a BF or in a relationship (as she tells me, or sometimes I see when she shows me messages) ok .... but the guy's never seem to 'go away.' Its beginning to look like a pattern to me. Once or twice, a thick headed guy not getting the message.. I can understand that. But this is all the time, the guys never seem to go away. Like they are hawking, waiting, and completely disregarding my existence and the fact that she told them she is dating a guy, me. Like a pattern now.

 

For example: a guy who is a friend of a friend, not even her friend, she doesnt even really like him much. He comes around every once and a while since Ive known her 8 months now, messaging things like "whats up etc etc etc you got a bf?" or "still with that guy?" things along those lines. Every time, that is all he messages her for. She tells him yeah, and a few weeks later hes back. Then a few later hes back. He messages on fb and I see the messages, now I dont see him as a big threat, hes unhealthy and gross and sleezy. Anyway, hes not a threat. But hes still here. He only messages every few weeks/months to see basically if she is single yet. The last message he sends her a few days back he says "whats your number?" He always messages her on fb (all he does is message anyway) but she gives the number to him...Now maybe she felt pressured and didnt know what to say. Im just speculating there. Should I be ok with this?

Another example, a guy she went to hs with, never talked to, hardly even an acquaintance other than a FB friend, he sees her in the store and chats for a min (she tells me this) and he proceeds to asks her if she has a BF. She tells him yes. Then the next day, he messages her for the first time on FB with a "hey whats up, wish we had more time to talk but I had to leave real quick" ......... sounds like he's fishing to meet up with her? I dunno. She replys with a "haha yeah" and thats it.

 

What's being said, or NOT being said, while I am not around, that these guys though they are TOLD she has a bf by HER, that they keep coming around??? Its like I don't exist or something. Am I over-reacting? Its just starting to look 'off' to me. I have a feeling its a mix of feeling pressured & not wanting to look like an ass. I get it, if that is the case.. I have asked her, and she has once said she feels like sometimes she is being 'too friendly' and maybe thats why she keeps getting hit on.

 

These are just 2 examples, Im almost seeing a pattern and its beginning to make me uncomfortable. Am I being insecure? How should I go about talking to her about it, this is ongoing. Should I just put up with it?

 

It seems to me that she has been consistent in her responses -- "I've got a boyfriend". She cannot control what these guys do except to perhaps block them or not respond to them at all.

 

I think you could simply say "hey Xname, I'm really enjoying our relationship and I'm not going anywhere. I realize you don't have control over these guys contacting you, but do you think it would be a good idea to not respond to them so they will leave you alone?" And, then observe how she handles it. It's a casual mention and offering a solution. I think she will "get" that it's making you uncomfortable. You don't have to come out and say that.

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It seems to me that she has been consistent in her responses -- "I've got a boyfriend". She cannot control what these guys do except to perhaps block them or not respond to them at all.

 

I think you could simply say "hey Xname, I'm really enjoying our relationship and I'm not going anywhere. I realize you don't have control over these guys contacting you, but do you think it would be a good idea to not respond to them so they will leave you alone?" And, then observe how she handles it. It's a casual mention and offering a solution. I think she will "get" that it's making you uncomfortable. You don't have to come out and say that.

 

Yeah she seems to be consistant with telling them that. Whats getting me thinking a bunch of things is: the guys dont seem to go away. So im wondering if its kinda like giving bread crumbs to lead them on. And why? Its not just one or two guys, it seems like every guy. Im usually not there. But she tells me she mentions the BF thing.. then I notice they are messaging her often a day or two later. In any case, every guy never goes away. its beginning to make me wonder.

 

I have talked to her on multiple occasions over the last few months cause its beginning to make me think "is there more going on here?" "is she secretly messaging them?" "why are they not backing off. Its a pattern of all the guys, not just a couple thick headed ones" Her response has always been things along the lines of "I think sometimes Im overly friendly" its like shes entertaining them and leading them on. Im just beginning to be afraid one day a guy she led on will come round at the wrong time. I have a lot of guys orbiting us now. If I bring it up, she says I dont trust her. But then why create these situations? Its like shes testing my patience and its starting to get old and kinda degrading to me. I dunno, but thanks for your input I appreciate it :)

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Yeah she seems to be consistant with telling them that. Whats getting me thinking a bunch of things is: the guys dont seem to go away. So im wondering if its kinda like giving bread crumbs to lead them on. And why? Its not just one or two guys, it seems like every guy. Im usually not there. But she tells me she mentions the BF thing.. then I notice they are messaging her often a day or two later. In any case, every guy never goes away. its beginning to make me wonder.

 

I have talked to her on multiple occasions over the last few months cause its beginning to make me think "is there more going on here?" "is she secretly messaging them?" "why are they not backing off. Its a patter of all guys not just a couple thick headed ones" Her response has always been things along the lines of "I think sometimes Im overly friendly" its like shes entertaining them and leading them on. Im just beginning to be afraid one day a guy she led on will come round at the wrong time. I have a lot of guys orbiting us now. If I bring it up, she says I dont trust her.. but then why create these situations? I dunno, but thanks for your input I appreciate it :)

 

All you can and should do is let her know that you are uncomfortable about it and not do it in a controlling way. You've done that a number of times now, so, if it were me, I would draw a line for myself. The next time the issue arises, you address it one more time. Make a suggestion for dealing with it. "I think sometimes, I'm overly friendly". -- "yeah, you are a really nice person and maybe they don't get the message. Just be polite but don't entertain much conversation with them". Then step back and observe. If she doesn't modify her behavior or find a solution for herself, then you tell her that the relationship isn't working for you and end it.

 

Her lack of understanding and trying to actively dissuade them means she doesn't mind them contacting her . . .

 

There comes a time when you just have to accept that you can't change the other person, they have to want to change for you and you shouldn't have to brow beat them or repeat yourself a 100 times.

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You want to date a very attractive young lady, well this is what you have to put up with. What..... she's not allowed to socialize with the opposite sex? It is what it is. She isn't married so she is still fair game. She can ignore as many guy as she can...they are still going to come around. She nor you can stop it.

 

If you want guys to stop hitting on her either put a ring on her finger or make her wear a burqa or date an ugly girl.

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She gave him her number?:confused:

 

I don't know, I guess I am a lot more assertive. If I am not interested in a guy I tell him to take a hike.

 

The repeat "are you single?" Guy would have gotten blocked, not my number.

 

Maybe she likes the attention?

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You want to date a very attractive young lady, well this is what you have to put up with. What..... she's not allowed to socialize with the opposite sex? It is what it is. She isn't married so she is still fair game. She can ignore as many guy as she can...they are still going to come around. She nor you can stop it.

 

If you want guys to stop hitting on her either put a ring on her finger or make her wear a burqa or date an ugly girl.

 

I never said someone I am dating cant socialize with the opposite sex. I am specifically talking about guys who are around for nothing more than to flirt, and find out when she will be single.

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Gorf, sometimes people who have been in a long term relationship stop upping things with their partner or aren't being as attentive, etc., get too comfortable. Are you making her feel comfortable in the relationship? I'm just trying to raise your awareness to evaluate your contribution to the relationship and reflect. If SHE'S not feeling secure with you, she will be keeping her options open at least. I'm not saying it's right for her to do it, but . . .

 

What are your intentions with this woman? Is she someone you are seeing a long-term future with? Is she aware of that?

 

Have you two ever talked about long-term goals for yourselves? Is she just dating casually and not looking for marriage? How old are you two?

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I never said someone I am dating cant socialize with the opposite sex. I am specifically talking about guys who are around for nothing more than to flirt, and find out when she will be single.

And I'm saying this is just part of life......it doesn't matter how many she swats down, more will follow behind to take their place. When you are really attractive, you constantly attract people everywhere you go.

 

I'm assuming she's young.....she is going to enjoy the attention just like any young lady would...she's not dead.

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And I'm saying this is just part of life......it doesn't matter how many she swats down, more will follow behind to take their place. When you are really attractive, you constantly attract people everywhere you go.

 

I'm assuming she's young.....she is going to enjoy the attention just like any young lady would...she's not dead.

 

True statement smackie. But specifically to what im talking about, what about what seems to be my case. Not swatting them down. In fact, in particular the guy who only comes round to find out if she is single yet. Thats all he ever wants to know. And she ends up giving him her number to text. What about all the guys who flirt, are told the BF line, then the next day are right back. Thats specicically what im asking about. Not "she got hit on" its more of "she got hit on, and almost appears to lead them on a crumb trail of hope"

 

should I be ok with this? Im sure you would be, but Im asking everyone :)

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Gorf, sometimes people who have been in a long term relationship stop upping things with their partner or aren't being as attentive, etc., get too comfortable. Are you making her feel comfortable in the relationship? I'm just trying to raise your awareness to evaluate your contribution to the relationship and reflect. If SHE'S not feeling secure with you, she will be keeping her options open at least. I'm not saying it's right for her to do it, but . . .

 

What are your intentions with this woman? Is she someone you are seeing a long-term future with? Is she aware of that?

 

Have you two ever talked about long-term goals for yourselves? Is she just dating casually and not looking for marriage? How old are you two?

 

To answer your questions:

 

She has said many times she feels very safe and secure with me like with nobody else. I am aware if a woman is not feeling this way, she will keep it open to other options. But she tells me she is secure with me. So it leads me to wonder, I can only go by her word. Maybe she likes the attention, but when its every flipping guy, and none are shut down.. really makes me second guess now.

 

Yeah we have talked about long term goals, we are in a committed monogamous relationship and see each other as future partners

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mmmmmmmm why did she give her number? Not acceptable at all when she knows the guy wants her.

 

She can change her profile so only her friends can message her. Why does she even respond to the creeps? She likes the attention.

 

Not cool.

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Yes I think you have good reasons to be skeptical and i think she enjoys the attention a little too much.

 

What woman in a relationship gives her number to a friend of a friend? someone she does not know who had openly been seeking her attention! Who does that while in a relationship? and for what purpose?

 

I also think she does not always indicate she's in a relationship and when she does mention she is in a relation it's done in a way that keeps the door open for them to pursue her.

 

Example: So you have a boyfriend? and her reply is: yeah.

 

Yeah?

 

That's the best she can say? 'yeah'?

 

How I would handle this? I would let her know what I find inappropriate in a relationship. First thing would be her giving her number to male strangers and her not shutting down appropriately the bozzos looking for her attention.

 

I would then tell her I enjoy her but I don't see myself going long term with a woman that doesn't know her place while in a relationship with me so if those are too much for her to correct I'll be moving on.

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mmmmmmmm why did she give her number? Not acceptable at all when she knows the guy wants her.

 

She can change her profile so only her friends can message her. Why does she even respond to the creeps? She likes the attention.

 

Not cool.

 

I agree. Could have been handled a lot of different ways: ignoring. Asking why he wants it. Giving a reason why he does not need it. Etc

 

Maybe she was pressured. He did just come right out and say "whats your number"

 

My question is: how to talk to her about it. I saw the message he sent there asking for it a few weeks ago and never said anything cause he wasnt a threat. But now Im just wondering why it happened though cause it almost seems consistent with her way of going about things in general. Again, every time I bring something like this up or show concern, she says she will try this and then but then inevitably gets mad at me for bringing it up and says I dont trust her. Well hell.. its kinda hard to trust a girl when the guy she is dating is a nobody even to some fat slob who only is around to see when she is single.. and has the balls then to ask for her number.

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To answer your questions:

 

She has said many times she feels very safe and secure with me like with nobody else. I am aware if a woman is not feeling this way, she will keep it open to other options. But she tells me she is secure with me. So it leads me to wonder, I can only go by her word. Maybe she likes the attention, but when its every flipping guy, and none are shut down.. really makes me second guess now.

 

Yeah we have talked about long term goals, we are in a committed monogamous relationship and see each other as future partners

 

Well, then, you need to step back and really evaluate whether this is something you can "live" with or not. If it's a deal breaker for you, I'd say it's time to put the cards on the table . . . "I love you and want a future with you and I respect our relationship. I am not talking to or entertaining attention from other people. You can do whatever you want, but I would appreciate it if you were more proactive about discouraging attention from so many guys. I don't mind you having friends who are men, but I am uncomfortable with the situation right now." And, leave it at that. If she dismisses your feelings or turns it around on you or if things don't at least get toned down, tell her you're moving on.

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How I would handle this? I would let her know what I find inappropriate in a relationship. First thing would be her giving her number to male strangers and her not shutting down appropriately the bozzos looking for her attention.

 

I would then tell her I enjoy her but I don't see myself going long term with a woman that doesn't know her place while in a relationship with me so if those are too much for her to correct I'll be moving on.

 

Excellent gaeta, I always appreciate the fact that you dont skim through what people write in a thread.

 

Yeah I think maybe I should have a talk like that with her. Its a tough call on how exactly though, cause as I say, its not like she is NOT telling them she has a BF. Its just that I feel she is a bit loose about it. Maybe attention, I dunno. I suspect so. Shes good looking, so I get shes used to it. But its beginning to insult me and make me worry about us. Tbh. She says she is crazy about me and she lets everyone know she is off the market. Even the other day this guy she worked with was tickling her every time he saw her.. for months. Until I found out. I was not ok with it, he even did it in front of me and I basically told him to go screw himself for essentially challenging me. She said she will be less 'friendly' with him and when he tries to tickle and flirt, she will act like its not funny anymore. Ill hold her to it. Again, she is working on it. But I still feel like I need to have some sort of talk, at least about the guy who got her number. The constant testing my patience involving other guys is starting to wear on me.

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Well, then, you need to step back and really evaluate whether this is something you can "live" with or not. If it's a deal breaker for you, I'd say it's time to put the cards on the table . . . "I love you and want a future with you and I respect our relationship. I am not talking to or entertaining attention from other people. You can do whatever you want, but I would appreciate it if you were more proactive about discouraging attention from so many guys. I don't mind you having friends who are men, but I am uncomfortable with the situation right now." And, leave it at that. If she dismisses your feelings or turns it around on you or if things don't at least get toned down, tell her you're moving on.

 

And that is great redhead, I will use some of that. We have talked, as I said, multiple times. I say multiple times cause Im still learning what is acceptable and what to say and when. All that. Her response in the past is usually something defensively that she gets hit on and I dont trust her enough. I want to, but the lack of whatever she has concerning other guys.. its making it really hard to trust her sometimes

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Its really simple, she has no boundaries. She is letting it happen because she likes it and wants it to happen. If you want to talk to her about it (my opinion is this person is not going to change)...I would say;

 

I feel it is inappropriate to give your number to a man who is interested in you. It is also inappropriate and disrespectful to continue entertaining men who message you with interest in you. I would appreciate if you didn't continue to do these things. They are non negotiable for me.

 

Leave it at that and see if it happens again.

 

A simple, "I have a boyfriend, sorry..." then ignore, is all it takes to get rid of these guys.

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And that is great redhead, I will use some of that. We have talked, as I said, multiple times. I say multiple times cause Im still learning what is acceptable and what to say and when. All that. Her response in the past is usually something defensively that she gets hit on and I dont trust her enough. I want to, but the lack of whatever she has concerning other guys.. its making it really hard to trust her sometimes

 

You are in a long-term, committed relationship and have mutually agreed to look to the future with one another. She is now committed to hearing and accommodating your needs to demonstrate her suitability as a partner. If she refuses, she simply isn't as committed as you are. Don't string yourself along. The fact is that you don't trust her and she should know that and why. Ask her how she would feel if you were doing what she's doing. See if she has the ability to empathize. If she can't, she's a selfish person.

 

Again, she is being evaluated as a long-term partner -- possibly marriage? She needs to demonstrate . . .

 

I wouldn't be saying all this if you two hadn't mutually agreed to looking to the long-term with each other.

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Thanks everyone, I need time to think now. Thanyou for your replys they have been very helpful, I say that to everyone who commented

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My guess is that she likes the attention and is giving just enough to keep them interested and thinking that they may get a shot if they're persistent. Giving out her number to that one guy is went a bit further still.

 

If a woman truly does not want this kind of attention she will shut it by giving them nothing. They're being persistent because she keeps responding. It hard to say whether it's conscious or intuitive on her part, but nevertheless she's keeping them in the loop. My guess is that there are unattractive men, those in whom she has zero interest, that get nothing.

 

I think another conversation is in order. I think you should say that you believe they keep coming back around because she's giving them just enough subtle encouragement to keep them hopeful. If she gets defensive, bring up the phone number to illustrate the point. Otherwise it's probably very subtle cues, like eye contact or body language that maintains their optimism.

 

After using the conversation to bring it into her conscious awareness, lay back and observe. Give her enough rope to figure out exactly what you need to know... whether this is the way it's always going to be, or if it was unintentional and something she's willing to change.

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You have gotten some good advice so far.

 

Yes you need to talk to her about what is appropriate in a relationship.

 

Communication is a good thing in all cases.

 

But there is a bigger problem here and that is you. If she is a hot woman, then in some way you must be pretty good looking as well. She is with you after all. You need to have some confidence in yourself. Some of the things she is doing are wrong and should not be tolerated.

 

But here is the deal. You cannot hold on to a woman if she does not want you or if she wants to play with you.

 

There is an old song that you would be to young to know about called "Hold on loosely".

 

I think this is the key. You have to be confident in yourself. And you have to be willing to let someone go or dump them if you have to.

 

If she wants to be with you then she can stop giving out her number and reign herself in a bit. If she does not, dump her like a bad habit.

 

Don't ever allow yourself to be weak with a woman, ever. it is the kiss of death.

 

Here is the other thing that may help you out. What makes a woman beautiful is what is on the inside, not the outside. The sooner you learn that be better of you will be.

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She needs to stop replying even if it's "yeah I'm still taken".

A reply is conversation, she needs to learn to ignore. I hate to be that way but i've learned a lot of guys don't respect a relationship status. I have "in a relationship" on facebook, and still there are guys in my inbox that want conversation, even if it's an innocent hi. I'm not saying she can't "talk to guys" as I have guy friends, but it's the ones that are poking around, the ones that want pointless conversation.

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She needs to stop replying even if it's "yeah I'm still taken".

A reply is conversation, she needs to learn to ignore. I hate to be that way but i've learned a lot of guys don't respect a relationship status. I have "in a relationship" on facebook, and still there are guys in my inbox that want conversation, even if it's an innocent hi. I'm not saying she can't "talk to guys" as I have guy friends, but it's the ones that are poking around, the ones that want pointless conversation.

 

She got another number, the 2nd guy I mentioned in the op. The guy from just the other day. I messages her about it (going to see her and talk later, help me out I have no idea what to say cause...) she gave the number no hesitation, then when I expressed worry, she accused me of being insecure and she cant have friends that are guys and bla bla. ive explained to her over and over its not about friends that are guys, its guys that want more than friendship. Shes basically denying he wants more than friendship and calling me insecure cause she want to keep in contact with him. Like facebook and the messenger on fb was not good enough for an aquantence she never talked to, who is single, who asked if she was single, desperately wants to talk more, and facebook isnt good enough. Please someone help me with this I meet her in a few hours. Its not ok but shes playing the 'just friends game' too many times

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