Worried something happened to new guy [update: wants me to marry him]

[SweetCharity]

I've been talking to this one guy for 2 weeks. We talk at least once a day and hang out. He works a lot. So do I. But he seems really into me and even left a love letter on my car. However he says he didn't want to date until I tone down my partying.

I went out one last him and texted him all night. The next day our last exchange was 2 days ago from 12 to 5.

 

Now he's disappeared. I called him 2 days ago around 8 pm. Straight to vm. Wouldn't even ring. I tried again the next day using my sister's phone to make sure he didn't block me. Same thing.

 

It's been 2 and a half days. I'm getting worried about him. I even went to his house. All the lights were on and the cars in the driveway but no answer. Not even a russling of blinds. Granted it was late so maybe he was asleep but I still find it bizarre. This isn't like him. What if something bad happened?

 

Thoughts ?

[carmelita]

He's done.

[Redhead14]

I've been talking to this one guy for 2 weeks. We talk at least once a day and hang out. He works a lot. So do I. But he seems really into me and even left a love letter on my car. However he says he didn't want to date until I tone down my partying.

I went out one last him and texted him all night. The next day our last exchange was 2 days ago from 12 to 5.

 

Now he's disappeared. I called him 2 days ago around 8 pm. Straight to vm. Wouldn't even ring. I tried again the next day using my sister's phone to make sure he didn't block me. Same thing.

 

It's been 2 and a half days. I'm getting worried about him. I even went to his house. All the lights were on and the cars in the driveway but no answer. Not even a russling of blinds. Granted it was late so maybe he was asleep but I still find it bizarre. This isn't like him. What if something bad happened?

 

Thoughts ?

 

but I still find it bizarre. -- What's bizarre is that you don't seem to have or respect boundaries . . . and can't take a hint. He doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

 

Granted it was late so maybe he was asleep -- Another possible and likely reason he didn't answer the door . . . was that he was in bed but not "sleeping".

[stillafool]

I

 

It's been 2 and a half days. I'm getting worried about him. I even went to his house. All the lights were on and the cars in the driveway but no answer. Not even a russling of blinds. Granted it was late so maybe he was asleep but I still find it bizarre. This isn't like him. What if something bad happened?

 

Thoughts ?

 

Obviously if the lights were on and the cars in the driveway he was home and again dodging you. Leave him alone and take the hint. He's not interested anymore.

[smackie9]

You have only known the guy for 2 weeks and already he is telling you to cut out partying or else....like seriously? You dodged a bullet....this guy is an insecure jerk.

 

You two are not compatible.

[SweetCharity]

but I still find it bizarre. -- What's bizarre is that you don't seem to have or respect boundaries . . . and can't take a hint. He doesn't want to talk to you anymore.

 

Granted it was late so maybe he was asleep -- Another possible and likely reason he didn't answer the door . . . was that he was in bed but not "sleeping".

First of all this guy skulked around my neighborhood while I was sleeping to leave a note on my car AFTER I told him I was too tired to see him. So I doubt me coming to his door and actually knocking like a normal person is direspecting his boundaries. The only thing I did wrong was doing it so late.

[SweetCharity]

You have only known the guy for 2 weeks and already he is telling you to cut out partying or else....like seriously? You dodged a bullet....this guy is an insecure jerk.

 

You two are not compatible.

 

Thanks for being the only nice one here. Yeah it bothered me that he's trying to change me but I thought maybe I DO need to stop partying. I just wish I knew what was up. :/

[JewelD]

First of all this guy skulked around my neighborhood while I was sleeping to leave a note on my car AFTER I told him I was too tired to see him. So I doubt me coming to his door and actually knocking like a normal person is direspecting his boundaries. The only thing I did wrong was doing it so late.

 

That's not normal. He was trying to be sweet and you weren't ignoring him, you were tired. He didn't knock on your door to come in either.

 

But you've only known him for 2 weeks, he stops answering your calls and your first instinct is to go to his house? If he was a close family member or friend and this behavior was unlike them, sure, do a well-being check. But you barely know this guy. and even after seeing that he was CLEARLY in the house and simply choosing not to open the door, you still can't put two and two together.

 

Move on.

[SweetCharity]

That's not normal. He was trying to be sweet and you weren't ignoring him, you were tired. He didn't knock on your door to come in either.

 

But you've only known him for 2 weeks, he stops answering your calls and your first instinct is to go to his house? If he was a close family member or friend and this behavior was unlike them, sure, do a well-being check. But you barely know this guy. and even after seeing that he was CLEARLY in the house and simply choosing not to open the door, you still can't put two and two together.

 

Move on.

 

I'm not stupid. I know when I'm being ghosted. My instinct is telling me something is wrong.

[ExpatInItaly]

He has friends and family who would likely notice if something was wrong.

 

If you've only been talking for two weeks, when and how did he even have the chance to notice that you apparently party too much?

[SweetCharity]

Turns out his phone had been stolen. He hit me up on Facebook with a new number. When I told him I had been worried about him he asked me why I didn't come by to check to see if he was okay LOL. False alarm everyone

[SweetCharity]

This one's a doozy. I wrote about him before.

 

Met a guy on tinder in October. He was different, from another country. Gorgeous. He was all over me and even left a sweet note on my car. We became a couple a couple weeks later.

 

One week after that he broke up with me for being a drunk one night. I was devastated and stopped drinking cold turkey. We got back together after that.

 

This is where it gets tricky. He told me he didn't want to be official because he "needed time." but he also started talking about how he needs someone to marry him so he can get papers. He's on a student visa but wants more time to study. I told him I didn't want to see him marry someone else and to marry me instead. I didn't think he'd take it seriously but he did. But the way he made it sound was that we would have a real marriage and see where it goes. I'd move in and we'd be together. Through all this I was spending the night all the time and he was calling me babe.

 

Then I mentioned a wedding and he flipped out. Said he thought I only wanted to help him and that why do we need to spend money on a wedding. Why do I expect him to take me on dates. I told him I didn't expect anything but if he wanted to become a citizen he had to let his marriage actually look like a real marriage.WI also said that I just wanted a real relationship, not marriage. He said he couldn't do a relationship because he wasn't ready. We ended up having a big fight where I left feeling humiliated and heart broken. Before the damn marriage thing was brought up I had actually thought we had a real connection.

 

Throughout the following week he texted me nonstop. I came over and explained to him that I really like him but have a lot of issues and maybe marrying him wouldn't be a good idea. He brushed it off and said we don't know what will happen tomorrow and that he likes me and cares about me.

 

We keep going in circles. He keeps pressuring me to marry him for " papers" and I keep thinking it's not a good idea. Throughout this he visited me when I was in the hospital, spent thanksgiving with my family and has me over a lot.

 

But on the other side of that he wouldn't spend Christmas with me because he was "sick" and I caught tinder on his phone even though he said he deleted it. Recently I found out on fb that he's been previously married.

 

My family think he's using me. I don't want to think it's true but I can see the red flags.but I'm also lonely and tired of dating. I can't help but feel this is the best I can do.

 

Thoughts?

Edited December 28, 2016 by SweetCharity

[kidm]

He has told you he wants to marry you for a green card. What more is there to know? Once he gets his green card, he will leave. It's that simple. He doesn't want a real relationship with you. He's trying to figure out a way to stay permanently in the country and he's realized you're probably an easy target.

[Fruitee]

He is in it for the papers. Dont marry him. You can do better. Soon you will be fake married and lonely. Try explaining that to potential dates. You want your marriage to mean something.

[SweetCharity]

He is in it for the papers. Dont marry him. You can do better. Soon you will be fake married and lonely. Try explaining that to potential dates. You want your marriage to mean something.

 

I haven't been going on dates since November. He and are exclusive. He pressured me to delete my tinder.

[Lorenza]

Girl... He has a "I just want to use you for my own benefits" written on his forehead and barely tries to hide it. That you even consider it is bizarre. Run away from him and find someone with no paper problems. And please don't ever consider marriage with foreigners you've only known for a couple of months

[GemmaUK]

You should get away from him as soon as possible.

[LostOnes05]

I haven't been going on dates since November. He and are exclusive. He pressured me to delete my tinder.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:....wait, wait...ok, let me...

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:...

 

The title alone says this is a terrible, terrible idea.

 

1. Wants papers, not relationship

2. Gets upset when you mention an actual marriage

3. Still has Tinder account

4. Previously married?? hmmm...was it annulled?

5. You are already making up excuses for him

 

See you back in 6 months post "divorce" asking how could he leave you after all you did for him, he's cheating, etc. Also do you realize that in order to get him papers, YOU have to prove that you can support him financially until he can find work as his sponsor?

[junebug1]

I agree with previous posters, and I agree with your intuition on the red flags. Trust yourself!!! And trust him when he says he is not ready or looking for the same things!! He knows himself, and it's a positive that he's being honest in that sense, so you can step away from this sooner rather than later.

 

If you are looking to marry him with hopes of a building a substantial relationship and mutual love, I think the marriage is a terrible idea that would probably lead to very painful heartbreak for you. If you didn't have any deep feelings for him and purely wanted to go through with this procedure (aka marriage, but I wouldn't think of it as marriage in that case) to help him get his papers, then that would be a different story.

 

What is very important to me (other than your intuition already sensing red flags) is that he has TOLD you and SHOWN you where he stands:

1) He needs papers. That is his priority. He wants to marry for the purpose of getting papers - not for the purpose of love or a real relationship.

2) He stated that he is not ready for a relationship. He *freaked* out when you talked about it, even though he knew he would need to marry to get those papers.

 

 

Straight up - I've never been in a romantic relationship. But I still know people to a degree. Him freaking out over that is not a promising sign, and most importantly, he's *told* you his stance on things. It feels cliche to bring a quote in, but Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

 

Believe me, YOU CAN DO BETTER. You can do better than to give your heart, your efforts, your financial contribution, your energy, your patience, your self to a man who has told you he is not looking for the same things. To a man who has shown you you're not a priority the way he is to you. I'm sorry if that's hurtful, but I think it's better to start healing now and move on than to go on this roller coaster and end up having to take longer to heal because of added history and memories and attachments later on. If you step away from this arrangement now, I believe you will allow yourself to be open to other opportunities with men who are looking for the same things as you. Save yourself the heartbreak and time wasted!

 

Lastly, because I've been infatuated with at least one guy who I'm sure was at least attracted to me in the beginning, I do want to say that I think he IS attracted / interested in you or at least WAS --- but it's just not the same as wanting to continue in a relationship with you. Attraction, interest.. those things can fizzle so fast. Don't let his initial attraction and interest cloud your judgment on the actual present and your future. You had good times. Doesn't mean he's good for you here on out. Sorry for getting on a soap box and typing so much. Hopefully you find this helpful in some way.

Edited December 28, 2016 by junebug1

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, how can you not think he is only in this for a green card?

 

He told you himself he doesn't want anything but marriage to obtain documents. That's it.

 

Your family is right - you are being used, and you are being very naive about this. And if any authorities catch on that you are intending to commit marriage fraud, you are going to find yourself in serious legal hot water.

 

Do you understand the huge risk you are taking by going along with this? Not only with your heart but also with the law?

 

Wake up.

[Miss Clavel]

what he is asking you to do is illegal. not to mention he's using you and ordering you around is another red flag. he wants to tell you that you can't drink and tell you how and when he will spend money. and he's not going to spend money on you!!

 

once you are married he can go into debt, take out credit cards, buy a car, rent an apartment and/or clean out your bank account and there is not much you can do about it. well there is something you can do, you'll have to pay it back after he gets that green card and takes a powder.

 

he's robbing you of a real life and a real marriage and you're letting him! it's no wonder you feel depressed, like this is the best you can do, he's made sure of it! you're family is against it and soon he'll put a stop to you seeing them, ever.

 

he's already lying about still being on tinder. probably looking for someone stupid to marry for a green card, wait.

 

i'd report him to homeland security and have him deported.

[CaliGypsy]

I don't see how this marriage would be of benefit to you in any way.

 

I understand that you have feelings for him, but they don't seem to be fully reciprocal. He's not offering you anything, not even a wedding.

 

You deserve a man who wants to marry you because he loves you and wants to be with you. Don't settle for a dude who doesn't even want to date you, much less be in a real marriage with you.

 

If you do, chances are you'll end up realizing what a very expensive mistake for you this is.

[Gaeta]

Don't be one of those naive women. He only wants to use you and don't kid yourself once you are married with him he'll bail and you won't know where he is and you'll be financially responsible for him for something like 5 years. Where is he from?

 

I know a friend of a friend who got caught in that game. Only 3 weeks after marrying him he disappeared. Now she is financially responsible for him for 5 years. She has to refund the government for all the well-fair he applied for. She is in debt for about 40K.

[darkmoon]

I am concerned for your self-esteem, you do not need this guy, get one who has no agenda, and enjoy doing so

[Redhead14]

This one's a doozy. I wrote about him before.

 

Met a guy on tinder in October. He was different, from another country. Gorgeous. He was all over me and even left a sweet note on my car. We became a couple a couple weeks later.

 

One week after that he broke up with me for being a drunk one night. I was devastated and stopped drinking cold turkey. We got back together after that.

 

This is where it gets tricky. He told me he didn't want to be official because he "needed time." but he also started talking about how he needs someone to marry him so he can get papers. He's on a student visa but wants more time to study. I told him I didn't want to see him marry someone else and to marry me instead. I didn't think he'd take it seriously but he did. But the way he made it sound was that we would have a real marriage and see where it goes. I'd move in and we'd be together. Through all this I was spending the night all the time and he was calling me babe.

 

Then I mentioned a wedding and he flipped out. Said he thought I only wanted to help him and that why do we need to spend money on a wedding. Why do I expect him to take me on dates. I told him I didn't expect anything but if he wanted to become a citizen he had to let his marriage actually look like a real marriage.WI also said that I just wanted a real relationship, not marriage. He said he couldn't do a relationship because he wasn't ready. We ended up having a big fight where I left feeling humiliated and heart broken. Before the damn marriage thing was brought up I had actually thought we had a real connection.

 

Throughout the following week he texted me nonstop. I came over and explained to him that I really like him but have a lot of issues and maybe marrying him wouldn't be a good idea. He brushed it off and said we don't know what will happen tomorrow and that he likes me and cares about me.

 

We keep going in circles. He keeps pressuring me to marry him for " papers" and I keep thinking it's not a good idea. Throughout this he visited me when I was in the hospital, spent thanksgiving with my family and has me over a lot.

 

But on the other side of that he wouldn't spend Christmas with me because he was "sick" and I caught tinder on his phone even though he said he deleted it. Recently I found out on fb that he's been previously married.

 

My family think he's using me. I don't want to think it's true but I can see the red flags.but I'm also lonely and tired of dating. I can't help but feel this is the best I can do.

 

Thoughts?

 

My family think he's using me. -- They are absolutely correct.

 

I don't want to think it's true -- Whether you want to think that or not, IT IS TRUE.

 

I had actually thought we had a real connection-- YOU had a connection . . . out of desperation.

 

I can't help but feel this is the best I can do. -- With that kind of throught/emotional process, you are going to find yourself in a big mess forever . . . Get a grip on yourself and get focused on YOU and making a life for yourself as a secure, independent, mature woman. Stop dating for a while.

 

This guy is the king of manipulation. I am struggling with the fact that you are entertaining all this and is a sign of significant intellectual and emotional deficit on your part. You asked for our thoughts and these are my thoughts . . . unsugarcoated.