ReadySetGo123 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I (27 years old) have been dating a wonderful guy (26 years old) for a little over a month now. We are so compatible on every level - physically, mentally, emotionally. We have the right amount of things in common and things different, so we always have something to discuss or talk about. Things have been going so smoothly, it's almost felt like a chapter out of a romance novel. However, now that it's getting close to that time to discuss being in an official relationship, it came out that there is another woman. Once I learned that, he is forcing himself to decide between the two of us. I cannot stand possibly being "the other woman," or the runner-up in a real-life episode of The Bachelor. A part of me wants to just call him and tell him to forget it, to just pick her so I can try to move on with my life. But, I just don't want to do that, in case there is the chance he could pick me. I know, I know. I shouldn't want someone who also wants someone else. I've done enough googling to know that's probably what a majority of people would say to this kind of post. I am just struggling to let this go. I have had rotten luck with dating and have settled for people who were not a great match for me. I have finally found someone who I am super compatible with and someone I have liked more and more by the day. This all happened on Friday, and I am still waiting. He said he needs time. Would it be rude to call him and say I need an answer? Has anyone here been put in that situation, or put two people in that situation? Have you ever been the person the man actually chooses? I have hope, and I'm not sure if I should let that hope go. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I would tell him that you need time too, and to call you when he makes a decision. In the meantime you date others. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 I would tell him that you need time too, and to call you when he makes a decision. In the meantime you date others. Thank you for your advice. I was nervous posting here, thinking the only thing I would hear is "You don't deserve a man who wants to choose." Do you think me doing something like that could basically just imply that I'm okay with him continuing to date someone else? Wouldn't that be the easy way out for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 IMO if someone is having such a hard time 'choosing' between two women, he isn't terribly interested in either of them. When you fall in love with someone, the choice is obvious. So I think it doesn't even matter whether or not he 'picks' you. I think you should 'pick' someone else. 19 Link to post Share on other sites
kmack513 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 How many dates have you been on with him? Have you had sex with him? Who initiated the exclusive dating convo? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 How many dates have you been on with him? Have you had sex with him? Who initiated the exclusive dating convo? We have been on about eight dates, and yes we have had sex. He implied early on that he can see this leading to a relationship. So, since it seemed we were on the same page, I asked him about making things exclusive and that's when it came out that there is someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
starswewillnavigate Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I'm with Elswyth... I think if he was really interested in you, then the other girl would never have even been mentioned, he would have just let her go and focus on you. The fact that he has even mentioned another and he needs to "choose" feels a little bit like game playing to me. Sure, you weren't exclusive, but no need to make you feel like you are an option. Walk away from the situation. If he's really interested then he will come back - but would you even want someone who has made you feel like this in the beginning? Go meet other guys. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I also think you need to pick someone else. Personally I wouldn't give him the time of day and would n't bother to "call it off" I would just go quiet and leave him to get on with it. I don't like Multi daters... they never fully invest and are always looking for the next best thing rather than spending time to get to know you. Ditch him and go find someone else. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Well it depends who the other woman is really. If she is like you and someone he just met and he is "multi-dating", then if you are OK with that then fine, but if she is someone he is in a relationship with, or an ex he hopes to reconcile with or even his wife , then that is a different thing altogether. Personally I would not do a "pick me" dance for anyone, but each to their own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Thank you for your advice. I was nervous posting here, thinking the only thing I would hear is "You don't deserve a man who wants to choose." Urm no. Its the other way round. If he can't choose he doesn't deserve YOU! Get rid of trash or is makes your house smell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I (27 years old) have been dating a wonderful guy (26 years old) for a little over a month now. We are so compatible on every level - physically, mentally, emotionally. We have the right amount of things in common and things different, so we always have something to discuss or talk about. Things have been going so smoothly, it's almost felt like a chapter out of a romance novel. However, now that it's getting close to that time to discuss being in an official relationship, it came out that there is another woman. Once I learned that, he is forcing himself to decide between the two of us. I cannot stand possibly being "the other woman," or the runner-up in a real-life episode of The Bachelor. A part of me wants to just call him and tell him to forget it, to just pick her so I can try to move on with my life. But, I just don't want to do that, in case there is the chance he could pick me. I know, I know. I shouldn't want someone who also wants someone else. I've done enough googling to know that's probably what a majority of people would say to this kind of post. I am just struggling to let this go. I have had rotten luck with dating and have settled for people who were not a great match for me. I have finally found someone who I am super compatible with and someone I have liked more and more by the day. This all happened on Friday, and I am still waiting. He said he needs time. Would it be rude to call him and say I need an answer? Has anyone here been put in that situation, or put two people in that situation? Have you ever been the person the man actually chooses? I have hope, and I'm not sure if I should let that hope go. Would it be rude to call him and say I need an answer? -- It was beyond rude for him to tell you that he's trying to decide between you and another woman!!!!!! It's one thing to say he's dating others, but to tell you you that . . . it's BS. He's treating you like an option. Even if he "picks you", you don't know if he picked you because he really wanted to or if the other woman told him to take a hike. Did he tell her she's competing with someone else? This guy is a POS. I have hope, and I'm not sure if I should let that hope go. - You are stringing yourself along when you let yourself be put on hold for a man . . . Do not reach out to him at all. You sit back and observe and think about how this has made you feel. When/if he calls, you think about how he treated you and think about a future with a man who does things like this. It's selfish and inconsiderate . . . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 Well it depends who the other woman is really. If she is like you and someone he just met and he is "multi-dating", then if you are OK with that then fine, but if she is someone he is in a relationship with, or an ex he hopes to reconcile with or even his wife , then that is a different thing altogether. Personally I would not do a "pick me" dance for anyone, but each to their own. When I asked, he was honest and said it right away. He met us both around the same time. I am okay with dating different people. That's what dating is (to me, at least) - putting yourself out there to meet new people and get to know them to see if they have the potential to become something more. However, this is a new situation to me - to move at what seems to be the same pace with two different people. It sucks. But I am trying to see it through his eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 When I asked, he was honest and said it right away. He met us both around the same time. I am okay with dating different people. That's what dating is (to me, at least) - putting yourself out there to meet new people and get to know them to see if they have the potential to become something more. However, this is a new situation to me - to move at what seems to be the same pace with two different people. It sucks. But I am trying to see it through his eyes. He should have simply said he was seeing other people not "I am trying to choose between you and someone else". That's disrespectful to a spectacular degree. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 How would you feel about being second best in the event his first choice turns him down? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 When I asked, he was honest and said it right away. He met us both around the same time. I am okay with dating different people. That's what dating is (to me, at least) - putting yourself out there to meet new people and get to know them to see if they have the potential to become something more. However, this is a new situation to me - to move at what seems to be the same pace with two different people. It sucks. But I am trying to see it through his eyes. But I am trying to see it through his eyes -- No you aren't, you're looking at it through your eyes with rose-colored glasses on. That is a ****ty thing to tell a woman PERIOD. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I was in the position of it being a choice between me and another woman. I quickly told him she was his choice. I don't know if it was my ego or what but I feel if someone loves me I'm the only choice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 I was in the position of it being a choice between me and another woman. I quickly told him she was his choice. I don't know if it was my ego or what but I feel if someone loves me I'm the only choice. Do you ever wonder "what if"? Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I was in the position of it being a choice between me and another woman. I quickly told him she was his choice. I don't know if it was my ego or what but I feel if someone loves me I'm the only choice. Exactly. If a man has any hesitation deciding if I'm the one he wants, I don't want him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ReadySetGo123 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 But I am trying to see it through his eyes -- No you aren't, you're looking at it through your eyes with rose-colored glasses on. That is a ****ty thing to tell a woman PERIOD. I guess I didn't think about other ways this could have played out..there are much more mature ways to handle a situation like this.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kmack513 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 We have been on about eight dates, and yes we have had sex. He implied early on that he can see this leading to a relationship. So, since it seemed we were on the same page, I asked him about making things exclusive and that's when it came out that there is someone else. OK. Don't call text him. If he prefers you, you will know soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Do you ever wonder "what if"? What if what? That he settled for me? No. He asked her to marry him and then started back chasing me. I went ghost on his arse and this was before cell phones, texting, etc., where the only way to reach a person was by mail, phone or in person. He tried all 3 but to no avail. It was easier to ignore and move on back then than now. I ran into them about 5 years ago at a concert and she looked like death warmed over while he hadn't changed much. My Pastor told me a long time ago that he never asks a couple how their marriage is going; he said he looks at the wife and that tells him what he wants to know. I realized I made the wise choice and dodged a bullet. No regrets as I have a wonderful husband. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 We have been on about eight dates, and yes we have had sex. He implied early on that he can see this leading to a relationship. So, since it seemed we were on the same page, I asked him about making things exclusive and that's when it came out that there is someone else. So he wouldn't have even told you he had another woman if you hadn't asked? Are you sure he isn't married or living with a woman? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I guess I didn't think about other ways this could have played out..there are much more mature ways to handle a situation like this.. Yes, there are. I'd simply step out. Don't do the "pick me" dance. He knows where to find you if/when he wants to date you exclusively, and you can decide at that point if you still want him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I think whatever you had before this bomb drop is ruined at this point, frankly. Even if he comes to you saying it's YOU he wants, are you going to feel good knowing he had to "force himself to choose" (your words)? At best, that's just really...classless. He could have just said he wasn't ready to take the relationship to the next level. "I'm really enjoying our dates," he could have said, "and I want to continue doing what we're doing for a while longer without having to define it." As soon as he mentioned another woman, he comes off as someone who enjoys power plays and games, and not someone who respects people's feelings. There are some things you just don't say, especially early on in dating. The only thing that's appropriate is to say you're not ready to be exclusive yet. That doesn't conjure up "another woman" the way saying it's between you and [a particular woman]. That's just I think you can do better than this guy, compatibility and all. Rudeness and lack of class are instant incompatibilities because they cancel out any possibility of a healthy relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Do you ever wonder "what if"? Do you want a man who is wondering "what if"? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts