Moving Painfully Slow

[Dante9]

I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 30. We've been dating for about 2 months now and had the "let's be official" talk 2-3 weeks into this time period, which she initiated. We get along incredibly well and we're both extremely happy with each other... with a few little snags.

 

First, she won't have sex with me yet. That's fine (but not entirely preferable) by me. I understand that some women prefer to take that kind of thing much more slowly than others, and in my girlfriend's case, she says she wants to wait it out because her relationships have always ended poorly and thinks it's because she had sex too soon. She also says something like "we're going to be together forever, so why rush it?" But to me, if she's so sure we'll be together forever, why hold off on indulgence?

 

Next issue: I genuinely love her, and decided that I couldn't hold it in any longer the other night so I told her I love her. Obviously it's never healthy to tread those waters with the expectation that she'll reciprocate, and I just wanted to tell her because it felt right. But not only did she not say it back, her reaction as practically offensive. It was something like "whoa... that was really really fast" followed by her questioning me as to why I love her, how I know I love her, etc. It felt like a slap in the face by the end of it and it completely took the wind out of my sails.

 

Everything I've written so far wouldn't be such a big deal if she wasn't escalating every other aspect of the relationship so quickly. She's always asking me to spend the night at her place, we've gone on several multi-day vacations together and she's already planned another one for next month, she's started asking to meet each others' parents, talking about spending forever together, and much more. She's very caring and affectionate, and we spend a lot of time together. In other words, the relationship is perfect to her and nearly perfect to me if not for how slow things are moving. It's just all pretty confusing to me at this point and the entire relationship seems to be unfolding completely backwards compared to how my other relationships have gone.

 

I'm frustrated. I feel like all the thoughtfulness, energy, and commitment I've given her so far is being invalidated by some other guy she dated before. Why am I being punished because someone else was a dick? I kind of understand it, but at the same time I'm sure it's easy to see how I'm getting put off from it all at this point. Every time I try to talk to her about these issues she just says that she's been hurt a lot in the past and she has her guard way up, and that it's coming down slowly but surely. That's becoming an increasingly unsatisfying response to me by now.

 

Not really sure what kind of response I'm looking for here. Maybe someone has been in a similar circumstance (from either my perspective or my girlfriend's perspective), or maybe I'm looking at all of this completely wrong. Or maybe I'm overthinking it all and need to shut up and be patient. Keen to hear your thoughts!

[Vado]

I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 30. We've been dating for about 2 months now and had the "let's be official" talk 2-3 weeks into this time period, which she initiated. We get along incredibly well and we're both extremely happy with each other... with a few little snags.

 

First, she won't have sex with me yet. That's fine (but not entirely preferable) by me. I understand that some women prefer to take that kind of thing much more slowly than others, and in my girlfriend's case, she says she wants to wait it out because her relationships have always ended poorly and thinks it's because she had sex too soon. She also says something like "we're going to be together forever, so why rush it?" But to me, if she's so sure we'll be together forever, why hold off on indulgence?

 

Next issue: I genuinely love her, and decided that I couldn't hold it in any longer the other night so I told her I love her. Obviously it's never healthy to tread those waters with the expectation that she'll reciprocate, and I just wanted to tell her because it felt right. But not only did she not say it back, her reaction as practically offensive. It was something like "whoa... that was really really fast" followed by her questioning me as to why I love her, how I know I love her, etc. It felt like a slap in the face by the end of it and it completely took the wind out of my sails.

 

Everything I've written so far wouldn't be such a big deal if she wasn't escalating every other aspect of the relationship so quickly. She's always asking me to spend the night at her place, we've gone on several multi-day vacations together and she's already planned another one for next month, she's started asking to meet each others' parents, talking about spending forever together, and much more. She's very caring and affectionate, and we spend a lot of time together. In other words, the relationship is perfect to her and nearly perfect to me if not for how slow things are moving. It's just all pretty confusing to me at this point and the entire relationship seems to be unfolding completely backwards compared to how my other relationships have gone.

 

I'm frustrated. I feel like all the thoughtfulness, energy, and commitment I've given her so far is being invalidated by some other guy she dated before. Why am I being punished because someone else was a dick? I kind of understand it, but at the same time I'm sure it's easy to see how I'm getting put off from it all at this point. Every time I try to talk to her about these issues she just says that she's been hurt a lot in the past and she has her guard way up, and that it's coming down slowly but surely. That's becoming an increasingly unsatisfying response to me by now.

 

Not really sure what kind of response I'm looking for here. Maybe someone has been in a similar circumstance (from either my perspective or my girlfriend's perspective), or maybe I'm looking at all of this completely wrong. Or maybe I'm overthinking it all and need to shut up and be patient. Keen to hear your thoughts!

 

First issue: you should turn this around. When she brought up the exclusive talk, you could say: we haven't have sex yet. So she wants you not to have sex at all? And for how long, months? Now what? Well, initiate to have sex if you want and if she doesn't, ask her: How can we be exclusive if you don't want me to have sex at all? I'm not a plant.

 

I would keep a bit more distance, don't call or text her unless she does first and if she asks hey why don't I hear from you, you tell her that the two of you hang out as brother and sister and that she is way to attractive for that. Buddies, so to speak.

 

And if she doesn't want to change, it means she doens't trust you and she is not the right woman for you.

[angel.eyes]

Everyone moves at their own pace. This is hers. You can either accept it and continue to build on the relationship or decide it's not for you and move on to someone else since you view relationships differently.

 

By the way, trust is something that's built over time. It's not instantaneous.

[Dante9]

 

By the way, trust is something that's built over time. It's not instantaneous.

 

I definitely understand that, but it's the inconsistency that is confusing me so much. On one hand she's moving things at a brisk pace (she wants to see me at an almost obsessive frequency, talks about the extremely distant future, etc) and on the other hand she's moving so slowly that we're practically devolving into being just friends. Why was she fine with having sex with every other guy she's been in a relationship within 2 weeks but I have to wait? I don't know, maybe I'm doing something wrong that I'm not seeing, who knows.

 

Edit: Forgot to mention - thanks for the response!

[joseb]

Something sounds off

She says stuff like "we are going to be together forever" but when you say ILY she is shocked?

Her line sounds like BS frankly.

 

To me, sex is part of getting to know if someone is a long term potential. I make zero assumptions about a relationship before that.

Also I never spend the night at a girls place that I haven't slept with, unless I'm going to sleep with her.

 

I would dial this way back. If she isn't prepared to have sex, then maybe suggest that you two become non exclusive so that you can have your needs met by others.

[Shining One]

I've been in a similar situation as you, OP. Sex never happened, despite her various promises that it would. She took what she wanted out of that relationship while my wants were left unfulfilled. Don't make the same mistake I did. You should revoke your exclusivity (tell her this) and start dating other women. She can sit on the back burner until she figures out what she wants.

[thecrucible]

She says she was in relationships in the past that weren't great but you don't know much about that. Is she afraid you'll judge her if she opens up about something in the past? Have you asked her much about it? Perhaps she has some kind of timetable in her head of when she wants to have sex - you could ask her in some of kind of diplomatic way if she has any kind of time in mind? I suppose she is looking at past relationships and thinking "I'll wait longer than I did the last time" but what is that cut-off point?

[Dante9]

She says she was in relationships in the past that weren't great but you don't know much about that. Is she afraid you'll judge her if she opens up about something in the past? Have you asked her much about it? Perhaps she has some kind of timetable in her head of when she wants to have sex - you could ask her in some of kind of diplomatic way if she has any kind of time in mind? I suppose she is looking at past relationships and thinking "I'll wait longer than I did the last time" but what is that cut-off point?

 

I've asked her about them and it sounds like at least a few of the guys only kept her around for sex. For example, one of them didn't want to see her more than once per week and it was always just about sex. So I understand that she probably wants to make sure I'm 100% committed to her for the sake of her own insecurities, but isn't making me wait 2 months a little excessive? We've spent several full weekends together on trips and things like that, and I think we've gone on at least 30-40 dates by now. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do.

 

I have asked about a "timetable" as you said, and she just said she doesn't know. Pretty vague.

[leogirl876]

As a woman who doesn't have sex with a man right away, I can't tell you what's going on with her. I usually sleep with a man I'm seeing about 6 weeks in or around the 9th date and I know that's way late compared to many people today. The only thing I can think of with her is she's not feeling the emotional connection that she needs. Do you ask her a lot of stuff about herself and let her talk a lot? Do you give her space to think about you and miss you or do you over pursue her? That will definitely kill attraction. If you're not doing that, then you may want to pull away some. Usually a pull away from a man will drive a woman to then pursue and up her desire to have sex. Ugh, I shouldn't have given away that secret!

[Sara1989]

A couple of times I have dated guy, I enjoyed their company but did not want to have sex with them. What I got out of the 'relationship' was companionship, someone talk to. They both got pushy with sex and that just turned me off even more...mind you I didnt date them as long as what you have.

 

Are you sure she is attracted to you? it is strange your spending nights together, going away together and nothing has happened? Very strange. Next time you stay the night or whatever, go for it and see what happens...then have a talk if she rejects you again.

[deep_night]

my boyfriend was slower than me in that regards for his own reasons, but i didn;t mind at all. i truly enjoyed waiting (around 2.5 months). i was alone for a long time before i met him, so some more months of being celibate was nothing :3

 

he showed me he was into me in other ways, and i could tell he was insanely attracted to me (ahem). if anything, it felt much, much better when we were finally intimate, because we had built much chemistry and emotion till then. i was mindblown to be honest. and it wasn't because of psychological manipulation but because we gave it time. we slowly got familiar with each other's bodies and our minds met halfway. our touch really meant something. there isn't a better feeling than this in the whole world. honestly, for me it felt mechanical with all the other people ive been with, but not with this one... also because we didnt have sex we had to communicate more, and had many important/difficult talks before becoming intimate. that brought us closer and made us feel safer around each other.

 

bottom line; listen to her, see where she's coming from... tell her about the confusion you see in her words/actions (i agree with u, it doesnt make much sense). keep communication open, be nice and accepting, and just listen. and dont be afraid to speak your mind. be respectful but dont walk on eggshells. dont make it all about you but dont make it all about her either.

Edited October 25, 2016 by deep_night

[SwordofFlame]

What has she done to show you that she is physically attracted to you?

[joseb]

A couple of times I have dated guy, I enjoyed their company but did not want to have sex with them. What I got out of the 'relationship' was companionship, someone talk to. They both got pushy with sex and that just turned me off even more...mind you I didnt date them as long as what you have.

 

This is exactly the situation you want to avoid Op.

I have no idea why people do this, or even how they can go about doing it. But they do.

[jstar845]

It seems to me you have a good girlfriend who is just taking it slow. She is being discreet and there’s nothing wrong with this. I see that she cares for you as you care for her. I see you mentioned she made it official as well as, she asks you to spend the night and go on vacations. Next, she wants you to meet her parents. This indicates even more her feelings for you. When, a person has had bad past experiences with someone it can be difficult for them as they would want to evaluate the situation to ensure the same thing won’t happen again. I don’t think you’ll paying from anyone else’s previous mistakes. I’m wondering have you talked to her about her feelings to better understand some of her actions?. I hope this helps.

[MrDuck]

Not really sure what kind of response I'm looking for here. Maybe someone has been in a similar circumstance (from either my perspective or my girlfriend's perspective), or maybe I'm looking at all of this completely wrong. Or maybe I'm overthinking it all and need to shut up and be patient. Keen to hear your thoughts!

 

I've been stood right where you are dude! It was what brought me too this site in the first place.. feel free to read my first thread if you want cause I feel like your opening post could of been written by me.

 

That said....... I don't really have any magic cure to give you. If she's not ready, she's not ready, even if appears daft cause she's planning a future with you (as my gf did ), having regular 'sleepovers' (snap again ) and even taking trips with you (like we did ).

 

If I could of clicked my fingers and made her feel differently, I would have. Likewise if she needed me to swim the channel to prove something to her, I'd of done that too!!

 

But she didn't. She needed time, and she didn't know how much of it!

 

So all I could do was make a decision from my own perspective... I either wanted to stay, with things as they were, not because what could be or might me, or I needed to draw the line and call it quits.

 

 

I made my choice, I stayed and I kept on choosing to stay, and we worked it out, we're past that now. You have to make your own choice, it doesn't have to be the same as mine, and if it is it doesn't guarantee it will wind up the same because obviously she's a different girl. But ultimately you cant make someone else feel differently, all you can do is make a decision based on your own perspective.

[No_Go]

Wow I find it super awkward that you spend nights together, even trips, and do not get physical. That's just abnormal - it is fine that she wants to wait, BUT waiting involves public dates, not sleepovers...

 

I also think it is a HUGE red flag that she's saying that 'you'll be together forever' after 2 months of dating. It is not even cute, it is just terribly immature. and/or manipulative.

 

Unless the circumstances can explain her behaviors (like very strict religious upbringing or past sexual abuse), I'd give a pass on this one if I were you. She's already manipulating you and it is just going to get worse

 

 

I'm 28 and my girlfriend is 30. We've been dating for about 2 months now and had the "let's be official" talk 2-3 weeks into this time period, which she initiated. We get along incredibly well and we're both extremely happy with each other... with a few little snags.

 

First, she won't have sex with me yet. That's fine (but not entirely preferable) by me. I understand that some women prefer to take that kind of thing much more slowly than others, and in my girlfriend's case, she says she wants to wait it out because her relationships have always ended poorly and thinks it's because she had sex too soon. She also says something like "we're going to be together forever, so why rush it?" But to me, if she's so sure we'll be together forever, why hold off on indulgence?

 

Next issue: I genuinely love her, and decided that I couldn't hold it in any longer the other night so I told her I love her. Obviously it's never healthy to tread those waters with the expectation that she'll reciprocate, and I just wanted to tell her because it felt right. But not only did she not say it back, her reaction as practically offensive. It was something like "whoa... that was really really fast" followed by her questioning me as to why I love her, how I know I love her, etc. It felt like a slap in the face by the end of it and it completely took the wind out of my sails.

 

Everything I've written so far wouldn't be such a big deal if she wasn't escalating every other aspect of the relationship so quickly. She's always asking me to spend the night at her place, we've gone on several multi-day vacations together and she's already planned another one for next month, she's started asking to meet each others' parents, talking about spending forever together, and much more. She's very caring and affectionate, and we spend a lot of time together. In other words, the relationship is perfect to her and nearly perfect to me if not for how slow things are moving. It's just all pretty confusing to me at this point and the entire relationship seems to be unfolding completely backwards compared to how my other relationships have gone.

 

I'm frustrated. I feel like all the thoughtfulness, energy, and commitment I've given her so far is being invalidated by some other guy she dated before. Why am I being punished because someone else was a dick? I kind of understand it, but at the same time I'm sure it's easy to see how I'm getting put off from it all at this point. Every time I try to talk to her about these issues she just says that she's been hurt a lot in the past and she has her guard way up, and that it's coming down slowly but surely. That's becoming an increasingly unsatisfying response to me by now.

 

Not really sure what kind of response I'm looking for here. Maybe someone has been in a similar circumstance (from either my perspective or my girlfriend's perspective), or maybe I'm looking at all of this completely wrong. Or maybe I'm overthinking it all and need to shut up and be patient. Keen to hear your thoughts!