Daisy21 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I am brand new to this (or any) forum, so please bear with me. My question is I have been dating a wonderful guy for a year and a half now and living together for about a year. We are very much in love, but he still cant completely let go of his ex. He had dated her for three years and its been about three years since they broke up (mutual decision he says). It ended with them kind of being friends but he had and still has a lot of resentment and wishes he had ended it earlier before it got so bad between them. He still has some loose connections to her (friends, family, and some shared accts..together) that he didnt think was a big deal and still contacted her on occasion about small things and vice versa. He was, until very recently, still facebook friends with her. It did kind of bother me in the beginning of our relationship but we talked about it and I told him not to unfriend her for me, that it was his decision no matter how I felt about it. He stayed facebook friends with her until about a month ago and assured me the decison had nothing to do with me. Today, a notice popped up on my acct that he was following her on facebook. I asked him about it and he said that he must have clicked on it by mistake but he admitted that he does go on her facebook to see whats going on in her life because he is curious. He told me not to worry about it and that I shouldnt be bothered by it. Even though he says he doesnt have any feelings for her other than resentment, it does make me feel kind of bad when he acts like I shouldnt make such a big deal about it and that it is really none of my business. I just want some input from everyone. Do I have a reason?right to feel hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Yes you have reasons to worry. I don't understand why you accepted to date a man with such questionable behavior toward an ex and on top of that move in with him. You must have a very little opinion of yourself to be closing an eye on this. Hating or having resentment toward a person is as bad as still being in love with them. All of your boyfriend's energy goes into that resentment instead of going in his relationship with you. I am sure you know the saying: There is only a fine line between love and hate. His resentment is fed by some unsolved and unfinished love. I would ask him to move out. When you decide to share all of your life with someone by moving in together you have to be in it 100%. You don't move in with a man that still harbor feelings toward an ex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Social media *shakes fist* I would say that if your boyfriend is still looking on his ex girlfriend's FB profile to see what she's up to then he hasn't got over the fall out of the relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean he still has feelings for her, it just means he cannot get over the end of such an important part of his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 You are living with a man who still has financial obligations to another woman in the form of shared accounts and stuff? You are living with a guy who is still hung up on his ex? You need to start looking for another place to live. Either you will get so miserable you will leave or he will decide he isn't over her (shock horror) and you will be ditched. Start saving and start looking. You are going to need to look after yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 This isn't good. He doesn't have a "loose" connection to her if he still shares accounts with her. That's a pretty close connection; why has this not been resolved after three years? That point aside, if he's still kicking himself about his last relationship, then he's still hung up on her in a way he shouldn't be. Sure, many of us look back at our exes and think, "Gee, should've ended that one sooner!" and move along. It's not something we get caught up in. Especially not three years after the fact. Sorry, but I think your sinking gut feeling about this isn't wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) why were you so saintly, sort of thing? you left the gate open - but we talked about it and I told him not to unfriend her for me, that it was his decision no matter how I felt about it. Edited October 23, 2016 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 You absolutely have a right to feel hurt. To me and probably you too, if you hold resentment against someone you don't want to be bothered with them. So it is suspicious that he holds resentment against this girl but follows her on social media. Also that he is curious about what is going on in her life. This would make me feel that he is still in love with her but doesn't want to admit it to himself. To be truly over her he should be indifferent; which clearly he is not. Why does he still have accts with her? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fishfingersareyummy Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 You absolutely have a right to feel hurt. To me and probably you too, if you hold resentment against someone you don't want to be bothered with them. So it is suspicious that he holds resentment against this girl but follows her on social media. Also that he is curious about what is going on in her life. This would make me feel that he is still in love with her but doesn't want to admit it to himself. To be truly over her he should be indifferent; which clearly he is not. Why does he still have accts with her? He probably hasn't managed to move on from the past. It doesn't necessarily mean he's still in love his ex, it could mean that he hasn't had the closure he needs to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
morrowrd Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Facebook is about nosiness and gossip, with a little bit of family networking thrown in to make it all sound good. Feeling resentment about an ex and maybe watching them out of curiosity to possibly see how good or poorly they're doing, really isn't anything anyone else has done. (show of hands) Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 You have reason to be concerned. A person (man or woman) who can't let go of a past love after a few years is not someone you want to be involved with. Based on descriptions this isn't the worst of the worst I have heard of, but you will always be made to feel like the second choice if the other person is in communication with the ex even after so long, or attempting to be in communication with them. Why does he communicate with her? Ask him that. Deep within, by his action, he hopes she will come back. I am Facebook friends with one of my former bfs who I still communicate with. He lives on the west coast (where he's from originally), engaged to be married to his gf of many years now, and I drop him one email every Easter Sunday saying I am thinking of him because Easter Sunday was a day in our story (I was the first woman he ever slept with, we went to see Passion of the Christ at the movies before we did IT). We exchange a little email update on what we're doing, and then we won't talk for another year. His gf has nothing to worry about with me being with our geography distance and it's long since over. But I am concerned about you. Please approach with caution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 You have reason to be concerned. A person (man or woman) who can't let go of a past love after a few years is not someone you want to be involved with. Based on descriptions this isn't the worst of the worst I have heard of, but you will always be made to feel like the second choice if the other person is in communication with the ex even after so long, or attempting to be in communication with them. Why does he communicate with her? Ask him that. Deep within, by his action, he hopes she will come back. I am Facebook friends with one of my former bfs who I still communicate with. He lives on the west coast (where he's from originally), engaged to be married to his gf of many years now, and I drop him one email every Easter Sunday saying I am thinking of him because Easter Sunday was a day in our story (I was the first woman he ever slept with, we went to see Passion of the Christ at the movies before we did IT). We exchange a little email update on what we're doing, and then we won't talk for another year. His gf has nothing to worry about with me being with our geography distance and it's long since over. But I am concerned about you. Please approach with caution. I have to say...I find even the above odd too - you email your ex on the anniversary of him losing his virginity to you? His girlfriend might have nothing to worry about, but I do wonder if your own boyfriends/partners have been okay with this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I am brand new to this (or any) forum, so please bear with me. My question is I have been dating a wonderful guy for a year and a half now and living together for about a year. We are very much in love, but he still cant completely let go of his ex. He had dated her for three years and its been about three years since they broke up (mutual decision he says). It ended with them kind of being friends but he had and still has a lot of resentment and wishes he had ended it earlier before it got so bad between them. He still has some loose connections to her (friends, family, and some shared accts..together) that he didnt think was a big deal and still contacted her on occasion about small things and vice versa. He was, until very recently, still facebook friends with her. It did kind of bother me in the beginning of our relationship but we talked about it and I told him not to unfriend her for me, that it was his decision no matter how I felt about it. He stayed facebook friends with her until about a month ago and assured me the decison had nothing to do with me. Today, a notice popped up on my acct that he was following her on facebook. I asked him about it and he said that he must have clicked on it by mistake but he admitted that he does go on her facebook to see whats going on in her life because he is curious. He told me not to worry about it and that I shouldnt be bothered by it. Even though he says he doesnt have any feelings for her other than resentment, it does make me feel kind of bad when he acts like I shouldnt make such a big deal about it and that it is really none of my business. I just want some input from everyone. Do I have a reason?right to feel hurt? Since when is this a Facebook feature? How did you actually find out that he'd refriended his ex and how do you know that he, not she, initiated it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy21 Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 On my facebook, it said that "my boyfriend" (not his real name!)is following "his EX"(not her real name!). When I asked him if he started following his ex, he said he must have pressed the follow button on accident when he was snooping on her facebook. He since went back and unfollowed her. He has not, though refriended her, just started following her by mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 On my facebook, it said that "my boyfriend" (not his real name!)is following "his EX"(not her real name!). When I asked him if he started following his ex, he said he must have pressed the follow button on accident when he was snooping on her facebook. He since went back and unfollowed her. He has not, though refriended her, just started following her by mistake. Bullschnit! In order to follow somebody takes a deliberate act. The Follow button is located in a spot that would make it virtually impossible to follow her by accident. And you have to actually click it and it give you a short message that you are following that particular person right tn the middle of the screen. lol He is playing both ends against the middle. Thinking he can keep you placated and still remain in some sort of contact with her. I am afraid what you have here is a guy who is full of crap. He can still private message her as although they are not connected as friend it will come up in his FB inbox as a "Message Request". So do not believe that lame ass excuse for one minute. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Since when is this a Facebook feature? How did you actually find out that he'd refriended his ex and how do you know that he, not she, initiated it? It has been in place since January of last year. It depends on how you have your notificaitons set up. Obviously her boyfriend is not too adept at as he could have actually just put Daisy on Restricted profile status and she'd never been the wiser. But he has his setting to where he broadcasts everything short of taking a dump so it was Daisy's good fortune he is such a knucklehead. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Since when is this a Facebook feature? How did you actually find out that he'd refriended his ex and how do you know that he, not she, initiated it? I was wondering this too! I've never seen this happen. OP have you some special app installed or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I was wondering this too! I've never seen this happen. OP have you some special app installed or something? When you select to Follow a non-friend, there is a notification sent to the non-friend that you started Following them and a story is generated in the News Feed for all to see unless you specifically have your settings set to not generate it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 It has been in place since January of last year. It depends on how you have your notificaitons set up. Obviously her boyfriend is not too adept at as he could have actually just put Daisy on Restricted profile status and she'd never been the wiser. But he has his setting to where he broadcasts everything short of taking a dump so it was Daisy's good fortune he is such a knucklehead. Really? I have never once received a notification of who my friends have friended or followed. I can see who they've friended if I go to their page or hover on their name in my contacts list, but i don't get a notification. Hard to believe that everyone I am friends with has put me on a restricted list! OP, I think it's clear your bf is curious about his ex. The question is why. Have you talked to him about it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Again it depends on how they people set up their own accounts. I never said it was specifically the perview of a restricted list. lol. I have my account set up to where I do not share literally anything with the public, albeit I do keep some people on restricted status because all they want to talk about is politics I hate to talk about since whomever is elected President is not going to change my life very much. In lieu of that you can always download FB Purity if you want to totally tight drum your, which I do so I don't have to see the Trending section or the Ticker Link to post Share on other sites
kmack513 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Daisy, how is being connected on FB not getting over an Ex? I am friendly with my Ex. We do not talk or text very much but sometimes we do. I am over her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy21 Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 Really? I have never once received a notification of who my friends have friended or followed. I can see who they've friended if I go to their page or hover on their name in my contacts list, but i don't get a notification. Hard to believe that everyone I am friends with has put me on a restricted list! OP, I think it's clear your bf is curious about his ex. The question is why. Have you talked to him about it? Yes, we have talked about this and he just says that because he is resentful of how she treated him at the end of their relationship and she didn't appreciate how well he treated her and all the help he gave her, it gives him some satisfaction when she isn't doing so well on her own. She actually did try to get back with him before I came into the picture and he turned her down. The thing I feel bad about is it means more to him to keep checking on her than how it makes me feel. On the other hand, I always try not to be possessive or jealous and I don't want to tell him what to do or not do. He should have freedom to do what he feels is right. It is great to get advice/opinions from everyone on this forum. This is the first time I have ever done this and I really expected everyone to tell me I was wrong and being too sensitive. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 He probably hasn't managed to move on from the past. It doesn't necessarily mean he's still in love his ex, it could mean that he hasn't had the closure he needs to move on. You don't get closure from an ex. Closure comes from within. No one can give it to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Hmm..the point is getting lost over FB minutiae. OP, most people who resent someone do not seek out contact with them. Sigh,...dislike you so much I can't keep my eyes off you. This is definitely something that does not bode well. Over three yrs. broken off and still having strong feelings one way or another and being shady about social media. Not my style, you live together so be honest about your feelings and puleeese stop playing the 'I'm ok as long as you luv me dance' Do you want to do this until you are unceremoniously dumped for a woman who stands up for herself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 What accounts do they still share? Link to post Share on other sites
kmack513 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Hmm..the point is getting lost over FB minutiae. OP, most people who resent someone do not seek out contact with them. Sigh,...dislike you so much I can't keep my eyes off you. This is definitely something that does not bode well. Over three yrs. broken off and still having strong feelings one way or another and being shady about social media. Not my style, you live together so be honest about your feelings and puleeese stop playing the 'I'm ok as long as you luv me dance' Do you want to do this until you are unceremoniously dumped for a woman who stands up for herself? Following someone on FB = strong feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
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