beowulf44 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Hi! I'm a guy and there've been a few situations where I was pursuing a girl and she was just utterly flaky. Constantly bailing, canceling, etc, even though I knew she liked me. (I guess not enough though) Because I really liked these girls, I kept it up with them, and eventually, after a very long period of time, things would start to escalate and we would get into a relationship. But inevitably, things fell apart. My question is this: should you take flakiness as a sign that things just aren't going to work out? A sign that the attraction between you is just not meant to be? For whatever reason: she's just not ready, incompatible lifestyle, she's secretly dating other people, etc. It seems that most people who get into healthy relationships hit it off pretty immediately: a asks b out, they go out, and if they both like it, it continues. Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Flakiness is never a good sign. It takes time to build feelings, but I'm not surprised your relationships failed when they started out so poorly. I mean, Steve Urkel bugged Laura for years and eventually she gave in. So it's very possible you could stick around so damn long that a person might say fck it and just date you because you're there and maybe they don't have anything better to do. But that doesn't seem like fun for you and it doesn't pan out anyway. But what you described in your last paragraph is pretty much how it goes. Flaking is a sign that it's time to end things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beowulf44 Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 Flakiness is never a good sign. It takes time to build feelings, but I'm not surprised your relationships failed when they started out so poorly. I mean, Steve Urkel bugged Laura for years and eventually she gave in. So it's very possible you could stick around so damn long that a person might say fck it and just date you because you're there and maybe they don't have anything better to do. But that doesn't seem like fun for you and it doesn't pan out anyway. But what you described in your last paragraph is pretty much how it goes. Flaking is a sign that it's time to end things. They did start out poorly. And I realized that because of their poor starts, I always had a barrier up to the relationship when it finally did start (I was always doubting whether this relationship would revert back to flakiness). I guess that's one of the reasons they failed (at least in one relationship), but I don't think its the only one. Thanks for your feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I also think that most relationship start off rather intensely. Now, about flakiness: don't buy anyone BS about canceling multiple dates in a row. It means that they are not that interested and keeping you as a third wheel when they oh so busy dating other people and either choosing to tell you (oh how foolish to swallow that) or not (now that's more machiavellian of them). Set up a date, if she cancel for a serious, valid reason. Set up a second. Just don't be fooled twice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
leogirl876 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 It could be that maybe you're over pursuing. Anytime that I start seeing a guy that I really like, if he starts calling and texting constantly, I lose attraction because I perceive that has weak and needy. So only see a girl you really like not more than twice per week in the beginning, and only call or text a couple times in between. I love the saying, but it's true "love someone in such a way that they feel free". If you weren't over pursuing, than it could be that they were never interested to begin with and/or found someone else they like more. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 As a woman, definitely! It's not just about flakiness, it's about respect. If she doesn't respect you enough to either tell you she's not interested, she will keep you around because you allow it. Whenever she has nothing to do, or is bored, you will be there pursuing her. It's fun to be pursued, but you end up getting bruised in the end. If a girl is flaky in the beginning then she's not that into you. I'm surprised they get into relationships with you, but that's probably because you keep pursuing, not because they genuinely want to be in one. That's why it doesnt work out. I would say this is a red flag, mostly for disrespect. A woman almost always knows when a man likes her, so it is her duty to tell him she's not interested if she feels he is pursuing. These women obviously didn't get the memo. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hyperfocal Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Beowulf, In my mid 30's now, and about half of my prospects follow what you describe. 5 weeks until first meet, due to combination of "work" "trip" "sickness" then meet/communicate once every ten days. Then by date 3 we are done. How I attend to this pattern: message them back once within 12-72 hours after receiving a message (balance of needy/indifferent). Never message more than 1x per volley. If any delay in process takes over 7 days, then mentally note that this one is likely following "The pattern" I guess I am not as interested in judging their unavailability (dating several at once is legitimate and healthy), but we benefit from not wasting our time counting weeks for nothing (date several at once as soon as you feel this one isn't going to hatch quickly). Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Flakiness=not that into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I find reliability really important. I have given people the benefit of the doubt once but if it's a pattern I let it go unless they've already built a good track record. Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I find that it depends in what context you met the person. A large percentage of online dating men from apps like Tinder are flakey/inconsistent. My gut feeling is that a lot of them are after cheap thrills or not in a good place for a committed relationship, and being flakey is their way of making that 'clear' (not leading a girl on). I think flakey people are unsure about what they want and/or may struggle with some type of anxiety about actual relationships/be too damaged from the past to be 'all in'. There is an exception (pretty rare) of that extremely busy person who consistently replies late to messages etc but when they do you can tell by the effort level and thoughtfulness in the reply that it's just a case of their busy schedule. But again, this is a compatibility issue! Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Either she's not that into you and can't find the words to say it; or she's someone who's balancing various commitments and needs to let a few drop so she has time for a relationship. Maybe she likes someone else and is trying to figure out what she wants? Link to post Share on other sites
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