IfonlyIknew Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Outsiders opinions needed! I met my partner 7 months ago. He hasn't had a girlfriend in a few years. We both have children. He introduced me to his family 2 weeks in (including his parents and kids) he said he's "just going with what he feels". Things have been absolutely wonderful. Except..he has not said I love you. He has almost slipped a couple of times but changed the subject. He sends me songs that say "let me love you" and "I want to love you" up until last week he sent a movie scene that said "I'm in love with you" but never talked about it in person. Why won't he man up and just say it? Or is he just playing games? I have emotional blue balls here! Lol. We even went on vacation with his parents last month, went on a romantic boat ride where this lady sings to us and HE STILL DIDN'T SAY IT, what is really going on. BTW he's 10 years older than me. I wonder if he is putting up boundaries to avoid commitment and just enjoying sailing along having a companion. Do I go or stay, is he stringing me along? Or am I being impatient? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 you have up to one year to say "i love you" Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Outsiders opinions needed! I met my partner 7 months ago. He hasn't had a girlfriend in a few years. We both have children. He introduced me to his family 2 weeks in (including his parents and kids) he said he's "just going with what he feels". Things have been absolutely wonderful. Except..he has not said I love you. He has almost slipped a couple of times but changed the subject. He sends me songs that say "let me love you" and "I want to love you" up until last week he sent a movie scene that said "I'm in love with you" but never talked about it in person. Why won't he man up and just say it? Or is he just playing games? I have emotional blue balls here! Lol. We even went on vacation with his parents last month, went on a romantic boat ride where this lady sings to us and HE STILL DIDN'T SAY IT, what is really going on. BTW he's 10 years older than me. I wonder if he is putting up boundaries to avoid commitment and just enjoying sailing along having a companion. Do I go or stay, is he stringing me along? Or am I being impatient? Have you two ever had a conversation about long-term dating goals? Are you two on the same page in terms of what you want out of your dating journeys? In other words, does he see himself married again and when? Have you told him what you want for yourself -- i.e. married and having children by Xtime? Make sure you're on that page to start with. That should have happened a few months ago. He may very well love you and yet has no intention of marrying anyone. Saying I love you doesn't demonstrate commitment. There is a type of guy that I call "The Quality Casual Guy". They are usually older -- 50s up -- but they want and need the company of a woman, will love them, treat them like a girlfriend, etc. and they can and will do it for a long time but down deep they don't want a commitment and will skirt the issue whenever the woman brings it up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfonlyIknew Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 ^ He says he is in this for the long haul in his exact words. He has asked me a couple of different times if I were to get married someday, what is my ideal wedding? We've talked about our dreams when we retire we will be next to each other "sipping our drinks on the beach". I just feel he is keeping me at a distance for a reason, or he is moving slower than what I am used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 ^ He says he is in this for the long haul in his exact words. He has asked me a couple of different times if I were to get married someday, what is my ideal wedding? We've talked about our dreams when we retire we will be next to each other "sipping our drinks on the beach". I just feel he is keeping me at a distance for a reason, or he is moving slower than what I am used to. Well, there isn't anything wrong with you saying it first if you're feeling it. Most guys aren't that verbal about love, they show it. Just do it kinda casually, matter of fact. You know, Xname, I loved it when you sent me those love songs. You know what? I love you" and take a sip of your drink. Don't do it haltingly and expecting him to say it back. If you're holding back because of fear, i.e. that it will scare him and make him run, then there's something causing your insecurity. If he does run, it won't be because you said it, it will be because he's not on that page anyway. So, it's better to know it now, than later. Yeah, it's always nicer when he says it first, but if you're living with anxiety, wondering, etc., take the leap and be prepared for whatever comes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Outsiders opinions needed! I met my partner 7 months ago. He hasn't had a girlfriend in a few years. We both have children. He introduced me to his family 2 weeks in (including his parents and kids) he said he's "just going with what he feels". Things have been absolutely wonderful. Except..he has not said I love you. He has almost slipped a couple of times but changed the subject. He sends me songs that say "let me love you" and "I want to love you" up until last week he sent a movie scene that said "I'm in love with you" but never talked about it in person. Why won't he man up and just say it? Or is he just playing games? I have emotional blue balls here! Lol. We even went on vacation with his parents last month, went on a romantic boat ride where this lady sings to us and HE STILL DIDN'T SAY IT, what is really going on. BTW he's 10 years older than me. I wonder if he is putting up boundaries to avoid commitment and just enjoying sailing along having a companion. Do I go or stay, is he stringing me along? Or am I being impatient? These kinds of posts always take me aback. When you asked him if him sending the songs/movie clips means he's trying to tell you something, what does he say? Do you not ask him anything? If not, why not? Afraid of hearing what you don't want to hear? Wouldn't it be better to hear it now instead of 5 years from now? Why don't you point blank ask him what his feelings for you are? Or if he's putting up boundaries to avoid commitment or if he's enjoying sailing along having a companion? He is the one who has your answers. Ask him--7 months is long enough for you to have found your voice and spoken up for yourself. It is better to put the question to him and get an answer you dont' want to hear and make a decision knowing something concrete than it is to torture yourself by never asking the one person who has your answers and wasting time with someone who doesn't really want what you want. If he's on the same page with you, he will be glad to tell you his feelings because he wants a future with you. At any rate, you need to know so you can determine how you're investing the next 7 months of your youth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfonlyIknew Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 Thanks everyone. I am meeting him today for lunch in a couple of hours and plan to bring this up. I'm just thinking HOW.. maybe bring up the recent love song movie scene? I'm nervous but I do need to find out his intentions so I can free myself or stop wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I am sorry to tell you this, but if he has not said "I love you" within six months, he won't say it. Why? Because he doesn't love you and never will. My last bf was example of this. I was waiting for him to say it, he didn't. He won't either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Thanks everyone. I am meeting him today for lunch in a couple of hours and plan to bring this up. I'm just thinking HOW.. maybe bring up the recent love song movie scene? I'm nervous but I do need to find out his intentions so I can free myself or stop wondering. "I was watching that video clip you sent to me and I listened intently to the lyrics; they convey the notion of telling the object of the writer's affection that they loved them. Are you trying to convey that message to me? How do you feel about the direction and speed we're maintaining?" From there, let him answer. Also, ask him what his intentions are as far as you're concerned. I think at the 7 month mark, this is fair play. You'll find out if he's just surface skimming or if he's of the mind to dive deep. Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 You said he hasn't had a girlfriend in a few years, maybe he's afraid of rejection? He's telling you he loves you in a roundabout way but perhaps your lack of response is holding him back from saying the actual words. Maybe he believes that it's usually women who say it first and is wondering the same about you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfonlyIknew Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 "I was watching that video clip you sent to me and I listened intently to the lyrics; they convey the notion of telling the object of the writer's affection that they loved them. Are you trying to convey that message to me? How do you feel about the direction and speed we're maintaining?" From there, let him answer. Also, ask him what his intentions are as far as you're concerned. I think at the 7 month mark, this is fair play. You'll find out if he's just surface skimming or if he's of the mind to dive deep. thank you! I feel comfortable with this. I'm getting ready to meet him. I'm hoping to come back with a clear answer if we are on the same page, 7 months of my life comes down to the next hour, I can't wait any longer! Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I am sorry to tell you this, but if he has not said "I love you" within six months, he won't say it. Why? Because he doesn't love you and never will. My last bf was example of this. I was waiting for him to say it, he didn't. He won't either. This is not necessarily true. I've never had to wait more that 4-5 months for an "I love you," but I've heard stories of men taking longer than that to come out and SAY it. I would give it a year before coming to that conclusion. With that being said, if he doesn't actually FEEL love for you by now, it's doubtful that he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfonlyIknew Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 Ok so I was as blunt as possible. Were walking around a park area, he's saying "we need to come here next summer with the kids" (it's boiling in me at this point) So we go sit down and this is how the conversation went: Me: So that Wedding Singer clip you sent me.. was there something you're trying to tell me? Him: (huge smile) well.. there's some messages in there yes Me: Like what! I can't read your mind! Him: You should know Me: No you should tell me. Him: You already know. Me: Are you just playing with me, buying time? Him: No! I left it there, I didn't want to force him. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I am sorry to tell you this, but if he has not said "I love you" within six months, he won't say it. Why? Because he doesn't love you and never will. My last bf was example of this. I was waiting for him to say it, he didn't. He won't either. you can like someone a lot but still not love them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Do you feel loved? Has he done anything to make you doubt it other than not actually say it? Give him time and let him say it for himself when he is ready. If it is getting to you that much quit playing round the bush and just ask him. Do you love me. It really is that simple. Or if there are other things that make you think he doesn't love you pay attention to them... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Ok so I was as blunt as possible. Were walking around a park area, he's saying "we need to come here next summer with the kids" (it's boiling in me at this point) So we go sit down and this is how the conversation went: Me: So that Wedding Singer clip you sent me.. was there something you're trying to tell me? Him: (huge smile) well.. there's some messages in there yes Me: Like what! I can't read your mind! Him: You should know Me: No you should tell me. Him: You already know. Me: Are you just playing with me, buying time? Him: No! I left it there, I didn't want to force him. And this is what to expect from now on when you try to have a serious conversation about his intentions. He'd rather play games than own his voice and tell you. I think that at 7 months in, he should be able to articulate to you what his feelings are. I don't believe in playing games, especially not guessing games. Fish or cut bait. If this was the 6 week - 4 month mark, then yeah, it'd be too much too soon, but no--not at 7 months. You've both spent more than enough time in each other's presence to have come to a conclusion about how you see the other. Link to post Share on other sites
kmack513 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Outsiders opinions needed! I met my partner 7 months ago. He hasn't had a girlfriend in a few years. We both have children. He introduced me to his family 2 weeks in (including his parents and kids) he said he's "just going with what he feels". Things have been absolutely wonderful. Except..he has not said I love you. He has almost slipped a couple of times but changed the subject. He sends me songs that say "let me love you" and "I want to love you" up until last week he sent a movie scene that said "I'm in love with you" but never talked about it in person. Why won't he man up and just say it? Or is he just playing games? I have emotional blue balls here! Lol. We even went on vacation with his parents last month, went on a romantic boat ride where this lady sings to us and HE STILL DIDN'T SAY IT, what is really going on. BTW he's 10 years older than me. I wonder if he is putting up boundaries to avoid commitment and just enjoying sailing along having a companion. Do I go or stay, is he stringing me along? Or am I being impatient? Why don't you just say "Mike" you know I love you. And see what the response is? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Ok so I was as blunt as possible. Were walking around a park area, he's saying "we need to come here next summer with the kids" (it's boiling in me at this point) So we go sit down and this is how the conversation went: Me: So that Wedding Singer clip you sent me.. was there something you're trying to tell me? Him: (huge smile) well.. there's some messages in there yes Me: Like what! I can't read your mind! Him: You should know Me: No you should tell me. Him: You already know. Me: Are you just playing with me, buying time? Him: No! I left it there, I didn't want to force him. I can tell you just from this he's a button-pusher, an instigator. When the honeymoon is over, he's going to be a great big pain in the a$$, very annoying. There is undoubtedly a reason he hasn't had a girlfriend in forever. Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 (edited) Thanks everyone. I am meeting him today for lunch in a couple of hours and plan to bring this up. I'm just thinking HOW.. maybe bring up the recent love song movie scene? I'm nervous but I do need to find out his intentions so I can free myself or stop wondering. I told you one way if you are feeling pretty confident based on his love songs, and the way he's been making you feel overall: Just do it kinda casually, matter of fact. You know, Xname, I loved it when you sent me those love songs. You know what? I love you too" and take a sip of your drink. However if the following statement is a result of not having a clear conversation about dating goals: I do need to find out his intentions Then it would be more of a leading statement from you about what your long-term goals are: "You know, Xname, I've really been enjoying the time we spend together but we've never talked about our goals for the future. I see myself married and having children by Xyear. What are your goals?" And, then, let him talk. Hope for the best and be prepared to hear something you may need to hear. If you aren't on the same page, you need to be prepared to move on. If you try to stick it out or wait for him to change his mind, etc., you will be stringing yourself along. Edited October 21, 2016 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Why is the onus on him to say it first? Why not just say how you feel and see what happens? Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 He is definitely hinting that he loves you. He might be testing the waters to see if you love him too, waiting for the perfect time to tell you, or is trying to push you to say the words first. I would be so annoyed. Lol. Next time you see him, just kick him in the nuts and tell him to man up. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Why is the onus on him to say it first? Why not just say how you feel and see what happens? I was wondering did I miss the memo where the guy has to say ILY first. I don't think I've ever said it first, even though I may have been thinking it. Could it be he is having a hard time coming right out saying it because he hasn't done it in years, and for fear the OP might not say it back? I mean he's gone 90% of the way there, maybe he was hoping the OP would meet him the other 10%. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I was wondering did I miss the memo where the guy has to say ILY first. I don't think I've ever said it first, even though I may have been thinking it. Could it be he is having a hard time coming right out saying it because he hasn't done it in years, and for fear the OP might not say it back? I mean he's gone 90% of the way there, maybe he was hoping the OP would meet him the other 10%. I definitely prefer a guy to say it, as I like a man who leads. I think a lot of women do. After all, society has made it the man's job to propose. But saying ILU is no one's responsibility. OP could say it if she wants to. In this particular case I think it's a little annoying that he just won't say it given all the hinting he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
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