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Guy goes MIA after sex.. need encouragement to just move on


Nofairydust

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So... I think deep down I know this guy's intentions are pretty clear, but I might just be in a little bit of denial because I actually have some type of feelings for him? Anyway, the low-down:

 

-Met him at a bar at the end of August, hung out all night, he kissed me, asked for my number and I gave it to him

-We then hung out 5 more times, basically every weekend, with one dinner date (the 3rd time we saw each other) and the rest just meeting up at a bar. All times ended up with him sleeping over at my place or me sleeping over at his place. Hooked up but NO sex.

-He never pressured me into sex but it was obvious we both wanted it. I was holding out a little just to get clarity on what his intentions were.

-The physical chemistry is undeniable but not much else. He is cute with me when we are together but I do not sense much effort when we are not.

-He is younger than me and I am not really looking for him to be my boyfriend. It is nice to have male attention and affection. BUT I do want open communication and CONSISTENCY.

-There is a pattern: he won't text much during the week. All our contacts are on the weekends. But I got used to it. Again, consistency.

-Two weekends ago, we didn't meet up which was unusual. But on Monday he texted me during work which was also unusual and asked me to hang out. We decided to watch the Monday Night Football game at his place (so 6th time hanging out). His roommate was there and he introduced me. (I had met his friends and other roommate before at various times before)

-We ended up having sex (my willpower did not last )

-Last weekend, I asked him if he was out (we are the types that go out every weekend) and he responded yes. But no attempts were made to meet up.

-Last night, I texted/called him (albeit late at night). And he has not responded. He also has read-receipts on on his phone, and he hasn't even READ the message.

 

This is obviously driving me bonkers. I don't know how to feel. On one hand, I know it was casual and not leading to anything serious (not that I wanted it to anyway), but on the other hand, I think I do like him and expected him to stick around for a while. It doesn't help that he became MIA after we had sex.

I have a crazy urge to text clingy things, like "Why are you not responding?" or "You got what you wanted and now you're MIA?"

 

I know I shouldn't, but I am feeling a little bit hurt/rejected/embarrassed I guess? There is a part of me that wants to have the last word.

I just need encouraging words...anyone? :/

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Versacehottie

I'm sure others will chime in with advice about all of the rest of it. I'll just say this for now:

 

Sometimes the last "word" is not verbal but just not answering when he gets around to getting back to you. That is still an action that lets him know where you stand and basically says "i'm done" without words. Though to be honest, people who like to have the "last word" and say comments like that usually have a really hard time (impossible?) doing it. Do you want the last word/action? Or do you actually want a reaction? If you want the "last word" to stop contact and let him know where you stand, then just don't answer him the next time he reaches out. It's simple. That sends a message that is the same or stronger than telling him off.

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So... I think deep down I know this guy's intentions are pretty clear, but I might just be in a little bit of denial because I actually have some type of feelings for him? Anyway, the low-down:

 

-Met him at a bar at the end of August, hung out all night, he kissed me, asked for my number and I gave it to him

-We then hung out 5 more times, basically every weekend, with one dinner date (the 3rd time we saw each other) and the rest just meeting up at a bar. All times ended up with him sleeping over at my place or me sleeping over at his place. Hooked up but NO sex.

-He never pressured me into sex but it was obvious we both wanted it. I was holding out a little just to get clarity on what his intentions were.

-The physical chemistry is undeniable but not much else. He is cute with me when we are together but I do not sense much effort when we are not.

-He is younger than me and I am not really looking for him to be my boyfriend. It is nice to have male attention and affection. BUT I do want open communication and CONSISTENCY.

-There is a pattern: he won't text much during the week. All our contacts are on the weekends. But I got used to it. Again, consistency.

-Two weekends ago, we didn't meet up which was unusual. But on Monday he texted me during work which was also unusual and asked me to hang out. We decided to watch the Monday Night Football game at his place (so 6th time hanging out). His roommate was there and he introduced me. (I had met his friends and other roommate before at various times before)

-We ended up having sex (my willpower did not last )

-Last weekend, I asked him if he was out (we are the types that go out every weekend) and he responded yes. But no attempts were made to meet up.

-Last night, I texted/called him (albeit late at night). And he has not responded. He also has read-receipts on on his phone, and he hasn't even READ the message.

 

This is obviously driving me bonkers. I don't know how to feel. On one hand, I know it was casual and not leading to anything serious (not that I wanted it to anyway), but on the other hand, I think I do like him and expected him to stick around for a while. It doesn't help that he became MIA after we had sex.

I have a crazy urge to text clingy things, like "Why are you not responding?" or "You got what you wanted and now you're MIA?"

 

I know I shouldn't, but I am feeling a little bit hurt/rejected/embarrassed I guess? There is a part of me that wants to have the last word.

I just need encouraging words...anyone? :/

 

I always tell women that the first time they sleep with a guy, even if they've seen them a few times, that they should assume it will be a one-night stand until he shows them otherwise by maintaining contact, scheduling proper dates, etc.

 

It's OK to sleep with a guy if you want to, but don't have expectations of him -- you did it because YOU wanted to and for no other reason.

 

I was holding out a little just to get clarity on what his intentions were. -- There is nothing wrong with having a conversation after a few dates and before you sleep with them or shortly thereafter at least to find out what they want for themselves in terms of dating goals. You explain that you are dating with the goal of having a relationship with someone in the future. Then let them talk. If they say they are only dating casually, don't want a relationship, etc. You just aren't on the same page in terms of dating goals.

 

Then you sit back and observe how they date you: I think deep down I know this guy's intentions are pretty clear, but I might just be in a little bit of denial This guy's pattern was very casual.

 

Don't reach out to this guy in anyway anymore. Let this one go. If you continue to contact him, you'll only be embarrassing yourself.

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The last word for me would be to go silent. Remember, there is dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey.

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Would you prefer he come out and tell you he isn't interested? I mean that as a sincere question.

 

Let his silence do the talking here.

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Would you prefer he come out and tell you he isn't interested? I mean that as a sincere question.

 

Let his silence do the talking here.

 

 

 

I ask myself that, too, and the answer is obviously "no" which is why I haven't given in to the urge to text clingy/bitter things.

 

 

While I do not necessarily regret having sex with him, it does kinda feel like I relinquished control to him (I know it is an issue that I have to view sex in that way) and he took it and went MIA. Also, part of it is just feeling rejected/played and wanting the control back.

 

 

I thought guys liked no-strings-attached sex?! It is just surprising to me that he stuck around for over a month WITHOUT sex and then after one time he is done?

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-He is younger than me and I am not really looking for him to be my boyfriend. It is nice to have male attention and affection. BUT I do want open communication and CONSISTENCY.

 

OP, remember this statement. You do not want him to be your bf but you want consistency. It's doubtful you are going to get that type of a relationship with a younger man. If he is not your bf he is going to date around, club around, and sex around. I think you both got what you wanted as you wanted sex with him as much as he wanted it with you. You can't blame him for that. It sounds like you had a fling and now it's over.

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I ask myself that, too, and the answer is obviously "no" which is why I haven't given in to the urge to text clingy/bitter things.

 

 

While I do not necessarily regret having sex with him, it does kinda feel like I relinquished control to him (I know it is an issue that I have to view sex in that way) and he took it and went MIA. Also, part of it is just feeling rejected/played and wanting the control back.

 

 

I thought guys liked no-strings-attached sex?! It is just surprising to me that he stuck around for over a month WITHOUT sex and then after one time he is done?

 

They do, because there are no strings. They can move on if it's not good or if they find someone they like better. It sounds like you were hoping for a Friends with Benefits type of situation. Where maybe there isn't a relationship title but there's still that string of sex that keeps him coming back every weekend.

 

With that said, it doesn't seem like you were really offering no-strings-attached sex or you wouldn't think to be sending any clingy texts to him. You simply would not care if it was truly no strings.

 

It's probably better to leave this guy alone since you're not really on the same page.

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I thought guys liked no-strings-attached sex?! It is just surprising to me that he stuck around for over a month WITHOUT sex and then after one time he is done?

 

Maybe he didn't like the sex, maybe he only likes the chase, maybe he will get back around to you again, who knows. He is single and free so he is more than likely exploring all of his options. If you are just looking for a FWB you should keep searching.

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UPDATE:

He just texted back saying he "passed out early" last night and then asked where I ended up going.

 

 

Now I am conflicted as to whether or not to engage again. Based on your responses (thank you!) I really shouldn't because his intentions are pretty clear (aka casual/hook up) and I seem to have expectations (at whatever level). But I do want to see him *sigh* Maybe it is just not in me to do casual...

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I ask myself that, too, and the answer is obviously "no" which is why I haven't given in to the urge to text clingy/bitter things.

 

 

While I do not necessarily regret having sex with him, it does kinda feel like I relinquished control to him (I know it is an issue that I have to view sex in that way) and he took it and went MIA. Also, part of it is just feeling rejected/played and wanting the control back.

 

 

I thought guys liked no-strings-attached sex?! It is just surprising to me that he stuck around for over a month WITHOUT sex and then after one time he is done?

 

While I do not necessarily regret having sex with him, it does kinda feel like I relinquished control to him -- If you start to take some ownership for the position you find yourself in, you at least have "shared" control. He didn't play you. He didn't promise you the world in order to sleep with you and then disappeared. You both wanted to sleep with each other and there was no discussion about goals, etc.

 

Yeah, some guys like no-strings attached -- so stop trying to put a string on him . . . by expecting nothing.

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UPDATE:

He just texted back saying he "passed out early" last night and then asked where I ended up going.

 

 

Now I am conflicted as to whether or not to engage again. Based on your responses (thank you!) I really shouldn't because his intentions are pretty clear (aka casual/hook up) and I seem to have expectations (at whatever level). But I do want to see him *sigh* Maybe it is just not in me to do casual...

 

Stop talking to him. You may feel a sense of relief because he texted you, but he will probably go MIA again at some point, leading you back to square one and fighting the urge to send a clingy text.

 

I think you'd have a better time with someone who wants something more serious with you. Someone who wants to be consistent, even if it doesn't turn into a relationship.

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OP, it's clear he isn't looking to take this any further than casual fun.

 

If that's not okay for you, don't bother engaging in any further contact. Keep in mind you might be one of a couple girls he's seeing and sleeping with.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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UPDATE:

He just texted back saying he "passed out early" last night and then asked where I ended up going.

 

 

Now I am conflicted as to whether or not to engage again. Based on your responses (thank you!) I really shouldn't because his intentions are pretty clear (aka casual/hook up) and I seem to have expectations (at whatever level). But I do want to see him *sigh* Maybe it is just not in me to do casual...

 

 

This is very good to be honest with yourself that you can't do casual. I can't do it either. So now you just have to be honest with men about this and don't keep flames going (even if you want to and that includes "just being friends" with them) with men who just want casual.

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You need to assume he wants a casual, sexual relationship. If this works for you, respond. If it doesn't work for you anymore, you can let him know that you have decided you want more from a relationship. If he feels the same, he will let you know. But, I think all indications at this point are that you've both been enjoying a nice, casual relationship.

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You need to get clear in your own head about what you want out of your dating journey. If you are seeking relationship, accept nothing that doesn't support that goal. If you criss-cross between casual and seeking a real relationship, you'll only be confused/conflicted.

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I like to wait and let guys know that's something I do with BFs. I agree with the others that you basically have to go into with with the idea it could be a ONS or make it clear you're serious.

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OP, you will gain all your power back by just not responding to him.

 

If he wanted more than just casual, you'd know that without a doubt by now.

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Versacehottie
UPDATE:

He just texted back saying he "passed out early" last night and then asked where I ended up going.

 

 

Now I am conflicted as to whether or not to engage again. Based on your responses (thank you!) I really shouldn't because his intentions are pretty clear (aka casual/hook up) and I seem to have expectations (at whatever level). But I do want to see him *sigh* Maybe it is just not in me to do casual...

 

If that is an apology or an attempt to stay in your good graces, I'd say it's a fail. It sure sounds like he is treating it casual. By definition, I don't think you can expect consistency with casual or a guy who is not your boyfriend (even then sometimes it can be a challenge!!!). I think a lot of girls fool themselves thinking they can do casual or that it will turn into something if they hang in there. My opinion is that most girls just really can't. Even your statement about wanting consistency is a dichotomy as far as casual being casual goes. So yeah he doesn't seem like he is acting like someone headed in a more consistent direction and you don't seem like someone who truly wants that deep down. It doesn't hurt to get to know yourself better and hold out for what you want. It usually will get you better relationships, promise....good luck

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There is this guy whom I've been casually seeing, but we haven't seen each other in a couple weeks. I feel like I have been perpetually pissed off for the past two weeks, yet I am having trouble saying "F it!" and letting him go.

 

 

Incident 1: Last week one night, I got up the nerve to ask him to hang out (I am not the type to ask guys out or put myself out there; I typically wait for the guy to initiate). He said he was down to hang, so I told him to come uptown (he lives downtown like 10 minutes away). Then, no response for like 30 minutes. When I texted him again, he said, "so far away". *roll eyes* So I, already annoyed at that point, decided to call him. He said he was already getting into bed. I called him annoying because he could have just told me it was too late.

 

 

Incident 2: This past Saturday, he texted me and gave the impression he wanted to hang out. He had gone into the office all day to work with clients. When he got home, we FaceTimed as he did laundry/finished up work. BUT he was just not solidifying plans. I eventually got annoyed and was like, "Are we hanging out or not? I need to know because if not, I might go out". And he would not say yes or no. He was like I'll call you back; I have to call this place. And then NO RESPONSE for the rest of the night.

 

 

Incident 3: The next day (yesterday), he texted me something stupid- probably to test the waters. I returned a really terse text. He then called me. I ignored it at first but then eventually gave in. He asked to hang out and was like, "I owe you, I know. I fell asleep last night" but he didn't sound remorseful, just matter of factly oh that is what happened. I tried to give it back to him by saying you have to make it up to me. He was like ok I'll do whatever you want. And I suggested he cook something, and he laughed and agreed. At that point, I noticed he was like in a really good mood and I said something like, "are you drunk or high or something?!" to which he said no. While we were on the phone, he told me he had to let him roommate in later who was coming back from a business trip. This confused me greatly because wouldn't his roommate have his own keys? Anyway, he was like "he is calling me now. I'll call you right back"

AND THEN NO RESPONSE FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.

 

 

To say the least, I am pissed off this morning. I texted him last night "I'm over this" and I can see he read it at 4:30am, which is strange in itself.

 

 

He either fell asleep AGAIN, two nights in a row (which could explain him reading a text at 4:30 waking up at odd hours) or something weird happened. But at least I know he is alive (I know, weird to say but the thought that something bad happened did cross my mind). I cannot think of a legitimate excuse for A SECOND night in a row of standing me up. I just want to get over this but obviously I am mad and I want to know what happened. And I think I deserve a sincere apology. I am also mad at myself for giving him so much slack.

 

 

I don't know what I am really seeking here, maybe just needed an outlet and support. Like F this guy! Am I right?

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