Do I even bother?

[MajesticUnicorn]

Hi! I am in need of some dating advice.

 

A little background info: I met this guy this summer at the state fair. I went for a country concert, and he was in a group of people who were similar in age to me. Initially, his friend was flirting with me because he was closer in proximity to me during the concert. After it ended, we all head to the beer tent where there is more live music. Anyway, after conversing with them, I realized I had a crush on this other guy, and not his friend. The friend got super intoxicated and went off to do his own thing which gave us the chance to chat and we realized we had a lot in common. There was a lot of flirting, he said we should follow each other on instagram, and I agreed. I was a bit surprised/disappointed that he didn't ask for my number, but I thought that could be him trying to be a good friend/wingman. The next night, while slightly buzzed I decided to DM him, which is way outside of my comfort zone as I am not generally the type to go out of my way to approach a guy. Well, he responded, and we were conversing there for a while. Then he tells me I should add him on snapchat.

 

We start snapchatting, that goes on for a week or two. Then he says, you know you should just text me and sends me his number. (He later goes on to add me on Facebook too.) After texting a bit, he asks me to go see some live music together at the river and have a few drinks. I agree. Things were a little awkward at first as with most first dates, but all in all, it went pretty well. I was somewhat surprised when he didn't text me initiating another date, but just shrugged it off and assumed he wasn't interested. Yet, he still continued to text me every few days, and snapchatted me daily. This kind of led me to believe that he might be interested still, he is just busy. That is partially what we bonded over, we are the same age, but he is in senior year of college and working for a realty group. I work full time. We've frequently talked about how hard it is to find someone in the college town where we both live that isn't constantly wanting to go out to the bars every night of the year. His drive is partially what attracted me to him, because I am a very driven individual myself.

 

So, I would say after our first date we went maybe two weeks without hanging out, but still texting and snapchatting frequently. I was out of state one weekend, and he was out of state the next. A big music festival came to our town, and I was given free tickets. When my original friend backed out, I decided what the heck, I'll invite him since we both seem to enjoy live music. He agrees and is super enthusiastic about it even though it's last minute. We had a great time, there was a ferris wheel there, and he kissed me when we stopped at the top. I know this is cliche, but it just felt special at the time. Afterwards we drove out to the countryside to stargaze and ended up making out, then he drove me home and we parted ways.

 

We continue to text and snapchat, and a little under a week later he left pumpkins and flowers on my doorstep while I was at work, which I thought was a really sweet gesture. Later that week, he asked me to go to this pumpkin festival with him and I agreed, it was going on Saturday and Sunday. I said we should go Saturday, and he got back to me the next day saying he has to work all day Saturday, but asked if Sunday would work. I agreed that Sunday would be fine. I was pretty excited about it.

 

Fast forward to Saturday. My friends convince me to go to this new bar that opened in town, and I agree. Even though I rarely go out to the bars for more than a casual drink these days, I decided it would be a fun change of pace. We were snapchatting each other, and realized we both were at the same bar...but it is HUGE, like big dance club type of place. I was surprised that he didn't go out of his way to come find me, but shrugged it off. I get in line for the bathroom, and see him in the line for the men's restroom, flirting with another girl and he has his phone out so I am guessing he was getting her number. Anyway, I am fine with not being exclusive, so it didn't phase me that much. Eventually we make eye contact and hug and I can't remember how the conversation went because I was fairly intoxicated, but I thought it went well and I introduced him to the friends I was with.

 

My friends and I decided to leave for another bar, so I shoot him a text saying that I am leaving but was going to x bar if he wanted to join me. This is where things get a little weird...our convo went like this.....

 

Him: Hey sorry! Where are you now? Will you come find me?

Me: Maybe, where are you? I might go to x bar.

Him: Where are you now?

Me: I'm at x bar, you should come!

Him: I am right down the road from there, idk what to do.

Me: You should come to x bar!

Him: I can't do that I'm sorry.

Me: That's lame.

Him: I'm sorry I just can't do it.

Me: No worries!

Him: I'm really sorry.

Me: It's okay!

Him: It's okay. (Literally repeated what I said back to me)

Me: Lol...

Him: Sorry, have a good night.

 

I was just like WTF....Why was he eager to come meet up with me and suddenly changed his mind? It seemed a bit suspicious to me. Anyway the next day he texts me and says "wow I was not being very cool last night..." being a little annoyed still, I was short with him and said it was fine and not to worry about it. This was all on Sunday, when we were supposed to go to this pumpkin festival together. He never responded to my text, and we didn't end up going.

 

Then Monday rolls around, and he texts me randomly to see how it is going. I still have my guard up because I am confused about where things went wrong this past weekend, but made small talk. He then starts talking about this big concert that is happening this upcoming weekend, that we both had talked about wanting to go to in the past. The tickets are pretty steep and it's a 45 minute drive, so I have been hesitant about going. I only know a few friends that are going, and transportation could get complicated if I can't ride with them. He mentions that his friend's grandparents live in the town where the concert is and that they are having a bonfire after. But he doesn't invite me. I told him "yeah I really want to go! That sounds so fun. I would probably go if I had definitive plans like that made ahead of time." Anyway he asks if I have any friends going or not, and then says he's going to suck it up and buy a ticket, and changes the subject to talk about how the musician has some injury. I respond, he doesn't respond back.

 

I don't know, it sounded to me like he was trying to invite me to go to the concert/bonfire with him, but I'm like why won't you just ask me directly instead of hinting about it? My friends that are going are also friends with the guy whose house the bonfire is at, so I imagine if I go I would end up going to the bonfire and meeting up with the guy I was crushing on.

 

I just can't read him or the mixed signals. Should I even bother or just let it go at this point? I do see potential with him and we have so much in common, plus he does put forth the effort to talk to me most of the time, but then he acts weird like this. My friend that works with him has told me he can be awkward and shy, but I don't think that's a valid excuse for the weird way he's been acting.

[babylonsfire]

I think he definitely sounded genuinely interested at the beginning. The night at the bars sounds a little off; maybe he doesn't handle well when drunk, maybe he had been with another woman, maybe he was with a friend and needed a ride, there's a 1000 scenarios that could have happened.

 

With it just being one off night, why don't you do another night, see how it goes, and if it still bothers you, just simply ask him, "Hey, remember that night at the bar? What happened, I totally thought you'd join me at x bar afterwards and you didn't?"

 

If he's got a good reason, he'll tell you, if he doesn't, he'll dodge the question or tell you it anyways. Either way if he tells you, good or bad, that's a good sign; if he dodges the question? I'd personally move on, haven't had the best experiences with those, but meh, ymmv and that's up to you.

[normal person]

Why bother with this wishy-washiness? You deserve someone who can just be upfront with you. I wouldn't waste any more emotional energy on this guy.

[leogirl876]

Why bother with this wishy-washiness? You deserve someone who can just be upfront with you. I wouldn't waste any more emotional energy on this guy.

 

Exactly! That guy was annoying me from his text!!! Seriously, that dude is so annoying, keep it moving!!!

[angel.eyes]

I suspect he asked whether you were going to the concert because he didn't want to be blindsided again.

 

He was "too busy" working all day to go on a date with you Saturday, but yet he's in a bar flirting with other women that same Saturday. Suddenly there you are (even though you aren't a bar-type person) surprising him, cramping his search, and limiting his flirtations with other women.

 

He didn't want a repeat at the upcoming concert/bonfire. Which is why he asked if you were going. Notice, he didn't suggest you go together or meet up at the concert or the bonfire afterwards at your mutual friend's house.

 

Sorry, but there are no mixed signals here. He's happy to have you as a distraction and a backup when nothing else is going on, but given an opportunity, he's out there actively exploring his options to see if he can do better.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would stop wasting my time with him. You can do better than this.

[MajesticUnicorn]

I think he definitely sounded genuinely interested at the beginning. The night at the bars sounds a little off; maybe he doesn't handle well when drunk, maybe he had been with another woman, maybe he was with a friend and needed a ride, there's a 1000 scenarios that could have happened.

 

With it just being one off night, why don't you do another night, see how it goes, and if it still bothers you, just simply ask him, "Hey, remember that night at the bar? What happened, I totally thought you'd join me at x bar afterwards and you didn't?"

 

If he's got a good reason, he'll tell you, if he doesn't, he'll dodge the question or tell you it anyways. Either way if he tells you, good or bad, that's a good sign; if he dodges the question? I'd personally move on, haven't had the best experiences with those, but meh, ymmv and that's up to you.

 

I was kind of thinking something must have came up as well. He lives far away from the downtown area so I assumed he was probably staying at his friends that lives nearby, and when he texted to meet up again it was like 30 minutes before bars closed. I thought maybe he was trying to avoid going home together because at that point in the night we wouldn't have been spending much longer at the bar anyway. Again, this is all speculation.

 

I appreciated that he *somewhat* apologized the next morning, but I am still confused/annoyed that he blew off our date without saying anything about it. I don't think I am going to go out of my way to contact him. If he reaches out and tries to set something up, I will probably still be pretty cautious given his track record so far.

 

Why bother with this wishy-washiness? You deserve someone who can just be upfront with you. I wouldn't waste any more emotional energy on this guy.

 

Yeah, I understand not being certain if you are interested in a person or not, but I don't like having this go on for weeks at a time...Yeah I liked him and thought he had potential, but I am not going to be heartbroken over moving on and finding someone else who will put forth more of an effort and give me the attention I deserve.

 

Exactly! That guy was annoying me from his text!!! Seriously, that dude is so annoying, keep it moving!!!

 

Haha yeah I was like wtf when I was reading those texts. Like seriously he could have just dropped it after he said he wasn't going to be able to come.

 

 

I suspect he asked whether you were going to the concert because he didn't want to be blindsided again.

 

He was "too busy" working all day to go on a date with you Saturday, but yet he's in a bar flirting with other women that same Saturday. Suddenly there you are (even though you aren't a bar-type person) surprising him, cramping his search, and limiting his flirtations with other women.

 

He didn't want a repeat at the upcoming concert/bonfire. Which is why he asked if you were going. Notice, he didn't suggest you go together or meet up at the concert or the bonfire afterwards at your mutual friend's house.

 

Sorry, but there are no mixed signals here. He's happy to have you as a distraction and a backup when nothing else is going on, but given an opportunity, he's out there actively exploring his options to see if he can do better.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would stop wasting my time with him. You can do better than this.

 

Thank you for your insight. I think you are definitely right that he just wants me as an "option" but doesn't want to give up his search. Which honestly, I am fine with! I don't understand why so many men think that women want to be exclusive immediately. I keep my options open at the beginning, as I would expect the man to as well. However, I will not settle for being placed on the back burner or a second choice.

 

As I said previously, I am going to see if he reaches out to me again this week and go from there. At this point he does not seem like he is worth my effort. It just sucks because he had so much potential at the beginning and there have been times where he actually put forth a lot of effort to see me!

[MajesticUnicorn]

Update: He did end up texting me (the day of) asking if I was going to the concert because he wanted to see me. When I told him I wasn't going he acted pretty bummed out. Later in the day he said a woman he works with had an extra ticket she was giving away so he was going to try to get it for me. It didn't end up working out. Anyway...yeah he texted me again today just asking how I was. Not sure what to think at this point.