joel Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 it true what they say nice guys finish last, well i happen to be one. no gf and no date ever at 24 yrs old male. being shy and quite doesn;t help much either. you can talk to a gal and be freindly with her but guess what a good % of them if they are around ur age or older i bet already has a bf. why waste time chatting with a gal if ya now she already has a bf. i want a single gal thjat is looking too. part of my reason for a lack of girls- is shyness- i heardly talk to women esp the ones i am attracted to. till now or 1 yr ago i have started doing it. i have only asked one girl out in my whole life. well i don't have any money so why would i ask a gal out-dating and havin a gf is an expenses. i have no car either. live wiht my folks. i am not sure where i gonna find that right gal for me. i really wished girls out there these days would be more assertive-asking a guy out, flirting with him,.... rather than the guy do it. would make it a lot easier for me. i was thinkin about the bar thing ,but i have no friends to go with and anyways i am kinda of too shy to go up to a stranger- a hot gal be it anyways and start flirt and chattin with her. yea its true nice guys finish last and i am one of em-it sucks Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 i do not think it s just because you are nice... How about Pathetic, loathsome Guys Finish Last...... an apt title IMO. would you want to date a girl that would bring you down everytime you spoke to her? or that wallowed in self-pitty all the time? or that thought she, herself, was a worthless, yet nice, person? NO! you are sooo worried about doing what you think you need to do to make others think that you are happy and cool, but YOU do not even believe it yourself, or so it seems to me. Most women do not want to date, marry, or even deal with a guy who has no self-worth, and it exudes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joel Posted March 31, 2005 Author Share Posted March 31, 2005 well how a guy 24 that never ever had a gf or been on a date before lol not onceeeee. man i'm not sure if it just me but i bet u i am the last person ont he planet of earth that has not been on date or ever had a gf before, or even kissed one. at my age it like woowoow now can u understand i mean even if i told a gal or futre gf that she woulnd't believe me-and i don't blame her -as how many guys are like me. i ain;t ugly either as some of u might have seen my pic. yea 24 it that baddddd Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 The problem is that you are shy and insecure, not that you are "nice." BTW, I thought "nice guys finish last" was going to be about letting girls orgasm first. But seriously, have you tried asking a girl out? I am not trying to make fun of you, I am just wondering if you are waiting for them to come to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Pendawn Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 IMO the reason you haven't got a date is because you are so negative and pessimistic - why bother asking cos I've no money and live at home, and all good-looking girls have bf's anyway, and why should I bother, they won't like me etc etc. Take yourself in hand, stop being so self-defeating and just go and have fun. Don't look at every gf as a prospective gf. Chat to girls all the time, whether you like them or not. You'll start to develop confidence and won't be putting your entire life into every conversation in the hopes that it will get you a gf. Link to post Share on other sites
theedge Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 The other posters have a point about being pessimistic and so low on yourself. Your probably going to say well how would you know? I can answer that too, I was in your shoes. I didn't get my 1st date till I was 28, I also was shy and didn't talk much. My 1st date was a disaster! 1st time she stood me up and the 2nd time we met at 11 at night in a bar. She was already piss drunk. We had a few drinks and she invited me back to her place. Go figure my 1st date and she wants to get sexual and I had never even touched a boob in my life. Lets say it didn't go well for me lol My 2nd, 3rd and 4th dates were at 29 and I became "The friend". Lets say I had 2 more years of few dates going no where. To be honest I had no self esteem at all. My insecurities are what killed me. Trust me no confidence will make you a sitting duck. I have since developed some confidence. I have a girlfriend now but, I still have insecurities and its still a bit of a problem. You have to love yourself before anyone else will love you. Got it?! I hope so. Later Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 let's all wallow in a pool of self-pity and self-loathing. Link to post Share on other sites
Soulfully Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 Hey there Joel...let me ask you a question. Is there anything positive, good about you, your personality, skills etc..? Is there any sort of positive value in your thoughts, your morals... the way you treat people...are you kind? generous? are you funny...fun to be with? If so, value and treasure that! Work with what you DO have. Tell yourself..."I'm a great and valuable person, and its fun to be with me! I've got a positive vibe going on within me, and I love to share it and spread it!". And people will be drawn to you. You DO have something to offer, everybody does! & a positive attitude to life is a great "attractor", even if you dont have a car, and aint rich! Realise & Accept your strengths and weaknesses, your situation. Work with and improve what you have. Be confident in your positive attributes, you know you DO have them! Be more spontaneous, carefree! Don't worry too much and don't analyse too much, since by doing so, we miss the chance to live the present, this moment, the now. Life is short, go out and play.... Live.... Now. & no, Im a nice guy and I dont finish last...what is last anyways? Everything is temporary. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 ok, try to help him here guys. Mocking him doesn't help. Telling him to love himself so he can love someone else is psychobabble. You either love yourself or you don't it isn't a switch you can throw. Joel, you are either lacking confidence, or you are giving women too much respect. Just talk to girls as often as you can about anything. Try not to place any importance on it. I know how you feel, I had the same kind of issues at your age. Edge was 29. I still have some of those issues at over 40. I have to remind myself to say hi to women when I meet them and smile. It's a skill set, and certain people don't acquire it young, so we have to learn it ourselves. It isn't necessarily about hating yourself. Though that's possible. In my case I think it's more about learned behavior and being isolated from girls as a kid. I never learned the lingo so to speak. Even if it is counter to your personality/habits, you have to overcome this or you are going to be 40 yrs old sitting at a computer typing messages into a relationship bulletin board and wondering what happened to your life. Trust me, there is nothing more important in your life than resolving this. Ask yourself if you still want to be going thru this at 29 or at 40? Go out and start talking to women about anything and everything. Keep trying. Exercises: - Talk to the girls at work. None there? Change jobs. - Move into an apartment complex where the single women live. - Go to the mall and go into the stores and check out the sales girls. You have a built in excuse to talk to them there. If you see someone you like, talk to her, don't watch her. Don't expect an immediate response. Go back to the store in a couple days and talk to her again. Familiarity breeds a certain comfortability, and they'll be more receptive once they get to know you. (probably not a good idea to hang out in the Victoria's Secret store too often though, they start worrying about you) - Go to the local bookstore and see if there are any girls there reading what you like to read and ask them a question about what they are reading. - Get a dog and take it to the park. Soul is right, attitude is a big factor. Act positive, even if you aren't feeling that way right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Illusion24 Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 Nice guys don't always finish last ...you just haven't found the right person to put you first Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 why do you have no money and still live at home? shouldnt you be more worried about that? if you felt more independent and in control of your life you would have more confidence and be more interesting too. are you not interested in anything? are you not interested in people? no girl wants to feel like a guy is just desperate for a girlfriend, you have to be interested in her as a person, and in other people too. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 As you all may or may not know, joel basis his worth on what he percieves others think about him in a Partner way. Joel, i do care about you, i really empathize with how you feel and it saddens me to see yu think soo little of yourself, please do not take my posts as uncaring, i am trying to be stern, but not hateful. you are 24, start hanging out somewhere, a pub or any social place. become a regular......get to know folks. like what Pendwn said~ shift your focus, see gilrs as people, annd talk with them. Get a job working with the public, so you have to speak with many different types of people and then it will not be so hard and scary. Just DO SOMETHING!!!!! No more posts that are loathsome or pitiful from you joel! we only want to here about he steps you are taking to help yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
gridiron Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Joel, It is not very hard to figure out what your issues are, as you can tell from just your posting. - You have started multiple new threads making a statement or asking advice, but do not respond to the advice you get back. This shows you are a poor listener, do not really want to learn, and are not open-minded. - Your posts are sometimes near incoherent. This does not help in wooing women. - You have repeated posts that are basically the same. Repeatedly saying things to get attention only makes people resent you. - You don't acknowledge compliments even when you do get them. Not very nice. - Your posts are whining and pessimistic. Looking for pity does not attract. These are just a few for starters. Would you try to sell a car by saying how no one has even test driven it, repeat the same features over and over, ignore questions from potential buyers about the car, and just complain about how long it has been sitting on the lot? There are plenty of posters here to help, but I am wondering if you are taking any of this in. At least respond back and call me an a-hole so I know at least you are reading the responses. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 i agree with gridiron. And i agree even more with alphamale. I've heard of tons of guys in this situation, lookin for pity, just like you. The truth is you arent even worthy of pity because there are tons of men out there who are in the same situation as you. The only person who can change your life is you, no amount of advice you can get off of this forum will help you more then your own motivation to change your life. end of discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 I completely agree with gridiron. He posts in order to whine, not in order to get advice. And if he talks like he writes, I would be gone in a minute. You can tell him a thousand times what he does wrong, but he keeps on doing it. I don't think he is looking for any advices, as he does not even discuss the suggestions or defends himself in any way. Most women would consider this a huge turnoff. Does he bother? Not really.... Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Originally posted by HoldOn The problem is that you are shy and insecure, not that you are "nice." I agree. This is not a "niceness" problem, you just need to get out and ask out some women. While it IS generally true that "nice guys [often] fininsh last" (many women seem to be really attracted to jerks who push them around for some reason), it doesn't mean that all women are like that, or that nice guys can't get dates, or even LTRs with beautiful women. Your problem is just shyness. Asking out ONE girl in 24 years? What you are dealing with is the fear of rejection. Well buddy, you ARE going to get rejected. It has happened to the best of us, and it is going to happen to you too. Just don't let it bother you, because there will also be a lot who will not reject you. It's better to just get over your fear the old fashioned way and go out and start trying, but if you need to, play a game with your own mind. Tell yourself that you are trying to find out how many times you can get rejected by women, and then start asking them out. Keep count, make it fun (no, don't be purposely obnoxious, just be yourself and act nice but confident). Then, after asking out a couple (or ten, or twenty, or maybe just one), a woman you are interested in who you like will agree to go out with you. Try to hide your shock, and go out and have a good time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author joel Posted April 1, 2005 Author Share Posted April 1, 2005 i'm not evven sure how it is nowasays to apporach women- be freinds first as my classmates said or just ask em out after small talk and ..... i don't even now how to flirt or act and be around women to show em i am interested Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 The point is: Forget women, work on how to have a good tiome with joel, and how to talk to joel. know yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 really soz 4 hijacking this thread, but i was looking for lost_in_chicago and found that this was the last thread he posted on, and dont like doing personal messages, hey lost what do you think of this my curent situation sorry i thought this thread sounded really interesting as well and i will make comment on it soon, but sometimes you come on here with your own issues lol Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 joel! all u need to do is to try and be at ease with yourself first and foremost, realise what your character is all about and just run with it. you cannot at all act as someone who you aint when it comes to trying to attract the right women, which at the end of the day, is something all of us - both male AND female are trying to do. when, and only when you feel at ease with who you are (which you will - in time - your only 24 dagnabbit, your dead young really still you know) when you accomplish this you will feel a bit more confident about yourself. and the most important thing of all is to smile and appear happy - that is THE most common attractive quality in both male and female. and the only way to pull this off convincingly, is to actually BE happy Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 oh, and joel - just getting a shag dont make u happy btw!! (well it does for a little tiny it - mainly at the time lol- but the afterwards, my oh my, sumtimes u just wish u aint got lucky as it adds to the dilemma sumtimes! u may get a handle on it if u read my post Link to post Share on other sites
miggsbucks Posted April 5, 2005 Share Posted April 5, 2005 hey, and if u aint happy because youre not with sum1, then u have to try and learn to be happy on ur own. i was in a 8 year relationship with my ex, and all the time i yearned to be single becos i was unhappy in the relationship. so dont build ur life around HAVING to be with sum1 - bcos it wont bring happiness. happiness comes from within Link to post Share on other sites
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