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The wolf in sheep clothing version 2


No_Go

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I am out of my skin. I saw a dating site, eH, ad pop on the screen of my BF of >1.5 years and asked him if his profile is active. Sure enough he refused but I asked him to log in and it was frozen, however I saw he has messaged 30+ women within a couple of weeks in June, basically days after signing their second lease together. There were not visible personal messages (they were exchanging likes and dislikes etc eH sh*t) but who cares. That's EXACTLY at the time we were planning for a trip to family and talking engagement every other day. He said he had the feeling I'd dump him (we had a few big arguments around the time, that's a fact) so he decided to boost his confidence but he hasn't met anyone.

I didn't had even the time to process what's happening, all is blurred. How do I kick out his sad a** from our joined lease (I don't care paying it all)? That's after I put an immense amount of effort to turn him from a dependent man-boy to someone that can hold himself up and I was planning my life with.

He's alone in the house with my pet and all my possessions, I just feel like jumping away from work because I'm sooooo uneasy with him around things I care about...

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OMG! I am SO sorry No_go!!

 

Someone tell me what is wrong with men nowadays ??

 

I'm sorry you can argue it's the same with women it's NOT. It's like most men have lost all sense of pride, honor and loyalty!!

 

Last year while I was single I came across a friend on POF. HE IS ENGAGED. I asked why the heck his arse is on POF and he said him and his fiancée are having problems. So being on POF will solve these problems?? a 48 year old man on POF cause he has problems with his fiancée!!

 

Ok I am all worked up now!

 

No_Go: Ask him to leave. Make his life a living hell till he does. ( I am hardly joking)

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An ex gave the same BS excuse when I caught him on a dating site. Full of baloney.

 

Tell him you will be taking over the lease. Tell him to leave. Speak to your landlord. See what your options are -- if you can get out of the lease if sad a** won't leave and find another place to live.

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No_Go: Ask him to leave. Make his life a living hell till he does. ( I am hardly joking)

 

Wow. Sorry you are going thru this. ((Hugs))

 

What Gaeta said, except tell him to get his shyte and leave, don't ask. It's time to flex your muscles and kick a$$! Want some help??

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Aw, sorry NG. (Hugs)

 

Only one way to do this imo (and yes he has to go and be done, don't even entertain any more disinformation dumps) - call a lawyer and get a professional consultation. Quick, strong and decisive. If you try to nibble around the edges, all that'll do is complicate things and he'll likely stake some goofy claim to property or residency. Take the initiative and hit him w a knock out blow right now.

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OMG! I am SO sorry No_go!!

 

Someone tell me what is wrong with men nowadays ??

 

I'm sorry you can argue it's the same with women it's NOT. It's like most men have lost all sense of pride, honor and loyalty!!

 

Women do this too...maybe not as common as men but they do. It usually happens to guys that are good but whatever reason she has doubts snd want something better but font end it till someone new is there to catch her when she ends it with prior.

 

 

If all the communication happened during this fighting period then that is more understandible.

 

Also remember that online dating sites will say you are active when you aren't just because you viewed am email.

 

 

Why are you snooping ???

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Thanks guys, he's not even entertaining himself with excuses - he said both he and I were apparently long gone from it. Lawyer to be called, I have a close friend. In the meanwhile we'll need to look each other every night :sick: because I'm not leaving my cat and stuff behind and he will not leave without an order so I may have to be the one to move after releasing myself from the lease.

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I haven't snooped, I asked HIM to show me his account because there was a pop-up ad that ringed a bell. I have never snooped on his devices, never ever.

 

Women do this too...maybe not as common as men but they do. It usually happens to guys that are good but whatever reason she has doubts snd want something better but font end it till someone new is there to catch her when she ends it with prior.

 

 

If all the communication happened during this fighting period then that is more understandible.

 

Also remember that online dating sites will say you are active when you aren't just because you viewed am email.

 

 

Why are you snooping ???

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I haven't snooped, I asked HIM to show me his account because there was a pop-up ad that ringed a bell. I have never snooped on his devices, never ever.

 

Consider the context of that post, NG. Disagreements don't give a person a free pass to behave badly, making it more understandable. And, you clearly stated in your original post that a pop-up ad preceded your discovery, not snooping. Focus on your support system ;).

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Holy sh-t. Holy sh-t holy sh-t. This beggars belief. What an absolute monster.

 

1) Start looking for a psychologist. What you went through once is bad enough and this is only going to compound your trauma. Please make sure you have someone to talk to.

2) Get your cat and valuables out of there and stay with a friend. Legal issues notwithstanding, this is going to be devastating for your mental health. DO NOT stay there if you can avoid it.

3) Popcorn and milkshakes. I am all about healthy eating but you need something to sustain you through the shock.

 

We are here for you. PM me anytime.

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Women do this too...maybe not as common as men but they do. It usually happens to guys that are good but whatever reason she has doubts snd want something better but font end it till someone new is there to catch her when she ends it with prior.

 

 

If all the communication happened during this fighting period then that is more understandible.

 

Also remember that online dating sites will say you are active when you aren't just because you viewed am email.

 

 

Why are you snooping ???

 

Ergh, no.

 

If my BF of 1.5 years thought himself justified in messaging a bunch of women on a dating sight because we'd had a few arguments, he'd be sorely mistaken.

 

What a non-communicative lesser-than. No_Go, I'm SO SORRY, especially after all y'all have been through. :(

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^ Yeah, I agree about getting out. You're a take-action person NG so talk to this attorney asap just to make sure you're in the right but if possible, pull out and stay w someone else. Seems like if this is just a lease you won't be forfeiting much by leaving (unlike spouses voluntarily leaving the marital home, which is usually not advised)- maybe just a security deposit and payment or two? That's prob worth it as the price of getting away.

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Security deposit yes. Utilities are on his name. Some furniture and the rest is just easy to move. No common accounts thank goodness.

 

I hate to go through it not because I'm soooo attached - I put sh*t ton of effort in these past months to get him in shape, communicate about him with my estranged mother and what not. It was an efforts off the charts for a non-marital relationship, I had counseling&house buying seminars scheduled for us this month, trip to my home country and other things not worth describing but significant. All HIS friends are asking me when are we marrying - I may need to tell them the truth but hate being THAT b*tchy ;(

 

^ Yeah, I agree about getting out. You're a take-action person NG so talk to this attorney asap just to make sure you're in the right but if possible, pull out and stay w someone else. Seems like if this is just a lease you won't be forfeiting much by leaving (unlike spouses voluntarily leaving the marital home, which is usually not advised)- maybe just a security deposit and payment or two? That's prob worth it as the price of getting away.
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Eh Methodical thanks, getting defensive, just can't believe this is the same man that asked me to pick a ring multiple times, introduced me to ALL his family, insisted perpetually to meet mine overseas, and I was discussing (two days ago in detail) to buy a house next spring together with him. OMG is it possible that people are SO fake or I'm loosing my brain?

 

Consider the context of that post, NG. Disagreements don't give a person a free pass to behave badly, making it more understandable. And, you clearly stated in your original post that a pop-up ad preceded your discovery, not snooping. Focus on your support system ;).
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Thx L-B, I don't have currently a therapist (last one was of no use) so that's another thing to start from scratch. As well as de-introducing my family (which I planned how to do hor about an year;( ). His face stayed stone-cold over our entire night, we haven't slept.

 

I feel refreshed though. He was apparently draining my energy because the mere though of being over keeps me awake after this white-night. I think I'm ready to start de novo and focus on myself and building my life instead of his (as I've been totally focused on his in the past year).

 

Holy sh-t. Holy sh-t holy sh-t. This beggars belief. What an absolute monster.

 

1) Start looking for a psychologist. What you went through once is bad enough and this is only going to compound your trauma. Please make sure you have someone to talk to.

2) Get your cat and valuables out of there and stay with a friend. Legal issues notwithstanding, this is going to be devastating for your mental health. DO NOT stay there if you can avoid it.

3) Popcorn and milkshakes. I am all about healthy eating but you need something to sustain you through the shock.

 

We are here for you. PM me anytime.

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I understand the frustrations and sympathize NG, but there'll be plenty of time (too much really) to process that after the dust clears. Right now you have to act and be decisive. Get done what you need done and then start dealing w the rest.

 

Be strong girl. You can let that down later but right now you need it. Focus. :)

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I understand how you feel. I have an ex who used to run to OLD but 'not send messages'. I have also been hit on by a lot of married men this year for what I suspect is the same reason - they rather get attention somewhere else than fix things with their wives. What a catch for me (not!). :rolleyes:

 

This guy is disloyal and lying to you so no wonder it feels like a big betrayal... it is. I know it sucks to know now but at least it was before you got married. Show him that you aren't going to put up with that and go find a truly nice guy who can treat you right.

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OMG is it possible that people are SO fake or I'm loosing my brain?
It's more weakness than fakeness. Not making excuses for him or his behavior; being a weak-ass man is NOT better than being fake. His ego is more important than you or anything to do with being with you. A man like that would be a horrible liability in your life for the long haul. I know this isn't helping you any with your pain right now.
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Ergh, no.

 

If my BF of 1.5 years thought himself justified in messaging a bunch of women on a dating sight because we'd had a few arguments, he'd be sorely mistaken.

 

What a non-communicative lesser-than. No_Go, I'm SO SORRY, especially after all y'all have been through. :(

 

OP said it was june, noe it's octobet. Dd it happen before and now it's not??? I think there is a whole other side yo this.

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OP said it was june, noe it's octobet. Dd it happen before and now it's not??? I think there is a whole other side yo this.

 

It layman's terms.

 

An ad popped up on the computer yesterday.

 

The OP saw it and questioned her bf. Then, asked him to sign into his account since he denied any wrongdoing.

 

Yesterday, when he signed in, she saw where he had message 30 plus women a few months ago.

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JMO but I think a WHOLE lot of presumptions are being made on this thread by some posters. And hypocrisy.

 

In fact, I know of one woman in particular who found the same thing on her bf's phone, discussed with him, he said it was nothing, he deleted and now they are as strong as ever!

 

No Go, so he admitted it, made no excuse, correct?

 

Would it have been better if he had he come up with some elaborate excuse instead of being honest?

 

Did he meet any of these women?

 

This was back in June, correct, when your RL was rocky and you were fighting? FOUR months ago? And nothing since?

 

No actual messages were exchanged, he never met any of the women?

 

Look I think what he did STINKS!

 

But the way he is being vilified now is beyond the pale IMO.

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It layman's terms.

 

An ad popped up on the computer yesterday.

 

The OP saw it and questioned her bf. Then, asked him to sign into his account since he denied any wrongdoing.

 

Yesterday, when he signed in, she saw where he had message 30 plus women a few months ago.

 

From No Go's original post.

 

 

There were not visible personal messages (they were exchanging likes and dislikes) ..

 

No Go, calm down and talk to him, assuming everything else is good.

 

That is what I would do anyway, shyt happens! We all make mistakes.

 

And this was four months ago when your RL was rocky and nothing since, correct?

 

NOTHING happened with these women, no messages, only exchanged likes and dislikes.

 

Again I think it STINKS and if this was NOT a LTR, I would say next.

 

But you have been together a long time, and from what you have posted it sounded beautiful.

 

Talk to him!

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No actual messages were exchanged, he never met any of the women?

 

 

Her #1

 

however I saw he has messaged 30+ women within a couple of weeks in June

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JMO but I think a WHOLE lot of presumptions are being made on this thread by some posters. And hypocrisy.

 

In fact, I know of one woman in particular who found the same thing on her bf's phone, discussed with him, he said it was nothing, he deleted and now they are as strong as ever!

 

No Go, so he admitted it, made no excuse, correct?

 

Would it have been better if he had he come up with some elaborate excuse instead of being honest?

 

Did he meet any of these women?

 

This was back in June, correct, when your RL was rocky and you were fighting? FOUR months ago? And nothing since?

 

No actual messages were exchanged, he never met any of the women?

 

Look I think what he did STINKS!

 

But the way he is being vilified now is beyond the pale IMO.

 

I have to disagree with you. I understand the being vilified part. But he is still being dishonest with her. My ex who used to do that stuff would actually tell me and show me profiles. He asked me if I would be OK with him sending messages. The part I would have the most problem with is the dishonesty and that he shows her he goes externally first to solve problems.

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katie, there's pertinent history here that I think you're unaware of. In addition to that, he's now on dating sites, exchanging likes etc., -

 

- after she's made significant investments in fixing him

- around the time they signed their 2nd lease (in other words, NEXT LEVEL)

- during the time they were talking engagement every other day (in other words, NEXT LEVEL)

- during the time they were discussing meeting parents for the first time (in other words, NEXT LEVEL)

 

Combine the history/precedent w this and it's finito, and no one's jumping the gun or being unfair to think that. The last thing NG needs right now is more doubt or uncertainty.

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