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A thread about a girl


Pvt Witt

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I am a 30 year old guy, working a menial job, wandering through life without much direction or purpose. I am reasonably sexy :cool:, but am afflicted with a sometimes crippling shyness. I have had meaningless sexual encounters with a number of women, but have never been involved in a relationship, nor have I ever wanted one. Until I met her...

 

She works/ed next door to where I work, as a cashier/floor person. I first saw her about 4 years ago, and was charmed by her slightly unusual looks, and humble and somewhat shy nature. I thought about asking her out, but I noticed she was spending her breaks with a long haired, gangly looking gentleman with a preference for trench coats that also worked there, who I figured was her boyfriend. So some time passed. A couple of years.

 

I stopped seeing the long haired guy at the store in late 2014, so I figured they broke up and this was my moment. I approached her one evening while she was stacking shelves, and I fumbled through my little speech I had practiced over and over for a few days. It was a bit awkward and corny, but she responded positively, and gave me her number. I texted her a few days later, and she told me she is shy around new people, and that she just broke up with her bf and is not over him, and wants to be single and independent. I stayed away for a couple of months. I bought her a card, like a post card, with a quote from the movie Blade Runner on it, and I wrote a love note on the inside. I gave her the card and again she reacted in a positive way, she said she would call me later. She sent me a text, saying it was sweet and thoughtful but her feelings won't change. I was extremely hurt and saddened by this, and I went through an extremely painful period, which felt like depression. I talked to her in person again, explaining what intense feelings I bore for her, she told me she's seeing someone else at the moment.

 

This coincided with the illness and eventual death of my mother, sending me into a downward spiral. I had an emotional breakdown, and sent her an angry text message. Next day at work, her boyfriend came in and threatened me, to which I responded angrily, causing a bit of a scene. I quit my job because of this and because of my mother's condition, but am now back working at the same place.

 

I have not talked to her since. She had a baby with that guy, but he bailed on her, I think she is single now. I think about her every day, and every girl I meet or see I compare to her. I sometimes fantasize about my future and being a married family man, and I only picture her being by my side.

 

What can I do? Can I do anything? I can't let it go. It has overtaken my life and is all I think about. I don't have any way of being around her, no contact. I can send her a friend request on facebook, but if she doesn't respond it will only crush my heart further. I don't ask for much from life, just the simple things, but nothing is working out.

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That's quite a story...you don't really know her at all it sounds like? Have you had an actual conversation with her?

 

You quit your job because of her? How has she overtaken your life?

 

I hate to say it but I think this ship has sailed...I think if she were interested she would have let you know a few years ago when you gave her that card. I think you need to try to move on :(

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It's clear she didn't want you. It sucks but it happens in life. The 'I'm not ready for a relationship' speech is politeness for 'I don't want to date you'. She then followed that up with 'My feelings won't change' aka...."i still don't want to date you and never will.' You failed to read between the lines which speaks to your social awkwardness. She reacted positively because thats what you do when it's obvious someone has gone to trouble over you. It's a social nicety no more. Her boyfriend probably threatened you because she told him you were interested and won't get the drift and leave her alone. Sorry to be blunt like that but it's just about the only real reason I can think of for that visit.

 

Your only choice is to find some new woman to obsess over and hopefully she will actually be into you. Unrequited feelings are the worst but it's not going to change.

Edited by Buddhist
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Totally agree with Buddhist here. The fact she tells you she wants to be single, but then starts dating someone else, should tell you all you need to know. I've been there, heard those exact same words and reacted the same way you did; thinking that if I stay around, then she'll change her mind. No, because her mind is fine, she just wasn't interested in me, but never actually said that.

 

Despite all the negatives about this girl you've built her up in your mind to be the perfect person. With all the **** in your life recently, you've focused on here and convinced yourself that only she will be able to make you happy again. I would imagine you've pictured that perfect life with her and all the things you'll do together. Everything you planned to say to her and all those positive responses she'd give. Yes, with her, everything would be perfect.... in your mind.

 

Sorry but it's the fantasy that you want here, not the reality. You're chasing after the person you want her to be, not who she really is. In fact, you're doing what everyone does - thinking about the perfect relationship and slapping her face onto it. You need to take some time and really think about everything that has happened and hopefully see what we all can see here, that she is not the person you think she is.

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I've only talked to her in the store. I didn't quit my job because of her, but because of the ugly situation with her boyfriend. It worked out for the better because of my mom's health, as I had to drive her to and from hospital, take care of her at home etc.

 

I am not socially awkward, I'm shy and lack a bit of confidence, but I am intuitive and have high emotional intelligence. I didn't misunderstand her message, you can tell by people's reactions if they're being genuine, and she was impressed by how I approached her. If she had no interest at all she would not have given me her number, she would have given me a bs story about already dating someone.

 

The guy she ended up dating is a high school friend who had regular contact with her. She is a shy girl and probably someone who has had the same circle of friends all her life and is intimidated by new people and experiences . I am more attractive than that guy by anybody's standards, and he has proven to have questionable character as evidenced by the fact he left her when he got pregnant.

 

Thank you all for responding, I appreciate it. I am trying to move on, but it is not easy.

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Hmm, your last post fell into that category of justifying someone else's actions. She gave you her number because she liked you enough to do so, but then her words and actions following that made it clear she didn't want it to go any further. I've met girls and had great times with them only for it to totally change the next and hear that exact same line you did. People change their minds or just like a bit of attention. They can say one thing and do another. It happens all the time. Face the facts of this one and let it go. Holding onto hope here and hanging around in her life in someway, will only hold you back and you may miss out on better things. So what, she chose someone not as good as you - that's her choice and it may be simply how she's wired, to go for the alpha male bad boy type and keep getting hurt... but that's her choice. Your choice is to convince yourself that there is someone better out there who will be honest with you, and want to be with you. Moving on from any form of love or feelings for someone is never easy, but it does make you stronger. We learn from mistakes, not from success.

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I am not socially awkward, I'm shy and lack a bit of confidence, but I am intuitive and have high emotional intelligence. I didn't misunderstand her message, you can tell by people's reactions if they're being genuine, and she was impressed by how I approached her. If she had no interest at all she would not have given me her number...

 

The guy she ended up dating is a high school friend who had regular contact with her. She is a shy girl and probably someone who has had the same circle of friends all her life and is intimidated by new people and experiences . I am more attractive than that guy by anybody's standards, and he has proven to have questionable character as evidenced by the fact he left her when he got pregnant.

.

 

If any of this were true, then why is she not with you? You make it sound like you think she is probably so into you but just too shy to be with you. That is not true. That is in your mind.

 

 

You might be Brad Pitt, she might not be attracted to Brad Pitt. A lot of women do give their number and act nice and sweet in an uncomfortable situation. They are deferring the rejection to later, and that is exactly what she did, She rejected you. You sent her an angry response, that is fairly creepy.

 

 

"I have not talked to her since. She had a baby with that guy, but he bailed on her, I think she is single now."

 

 

"The guy she ended up dating is a high school friend who had regular contact with her."

 

 

This part concerns me, if you had no contact are you stalking her? You seem to have a lot of info about what she is doing and who she is with.

 

 

The easiest way to move on is to stop watching for her, stop looking on social media, stop "checking In" etc. When you find yourself thinking of her, make a mental effort to stop and think of something else. If you do this, eventually you will wake up one day and realize you haven't thought about her in a week. It gets easier. Every time you check up on her it will be harder.

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Been there my friend. The writing is on the wall. When it is happening to us we cannot see it. It's impossible to. ChatroomHero did a great job of breaking it down point by point. Read that back over and over. If that were someone else's story it would crystal clear to you what's going on.

 

In a perfect world people would just be honest up front but respectful about it. They're not though. I find that with women there is a mysterious switch they have inside somewhere that has to be turned on for them to see you as "the guy". Many times it is illogical to me. Find a woman that you do that for.

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Please stop being so pathetically fixated on that dumb single mother. You really know nothing about her other than that she sounds like a hot mess, with a mean cold side to her.

 

Is that what you really want?

 

Go find a nice girl. They are out there. Go looking, and I do not mean in bars.

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Time to get a life. You are stuck alone for a reason....because you don't do anything but stay in your security blanket of a menial job and a fantasy about a girl. You are 30! time is a wasting. Go to night school, seek out therapy, and make some friends. Change your life or you are going to be that creepy 40 something year old guy in the back washing dishes.

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I stopped seeing the long haired guy at the store in late 2014, so I figured they broke up and this was my moment. I approached her one evening while she was stacking shelves, and I fumbled through my little speech I had practiced over and over for a few days. It was a bit awkward and corny, but she responded positively, and gave me her number. I texted her a few days later, and *she told me she is shy around new people, and that she just broke up with her bf and is not over him, and wants to be single and independent. I stayed away for a couple of months. I bought her a card, like a post card, with a quote from the movie Blade Runner on it, and I wrote a love note on the inside. I gave her the card and again she reacted in a positive way, she said she would call me later. *She sent me a text, saying it was sweet and thoughtful but her feelings won't change. I was extremely hurt and saddened by this, and I went through an extremely painful period, which felt like depression. I talked to her in person again, explaining what intense feelings I bore for her, *she told me she's seeing someone else at the moment.

 

 

Thats three times that she's made it absolutely clear to you that she's not interested in dating you or getting to know you.

 

The only right thing to do in those circumstances, is to back off and stop approaching that person.

 

 

Take care.

Edited by Satu
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