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Seeing 2 guys: which one to choose?


Eternal Sunshine

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Eternal Sunshine

I have been seeing two guys for the last month or so (no exclusivity talk and haven't slept with either). I am actually not sure if either are good relationship material.

 

They are both in their early 40s. While I feel some level of spark for both, I am highly attracted to one. That one is probably less interested in a relationship.

 

So:

 

Guy 1:

 

Met him first. Educated and used to have a career job but hated 9-5 grind so he went back to study recently and retail shifts for income. He is smart and cultured and likes going to theater and opera (that almost nobody I meet does). Never been married and no children.

 

Some concerns about him are that at 43, he is pretty immature. Since going back to school, he slipped right back into college life and goes to all the parties and events with early 20 year olds. He only had 2 relationships and neither lasted more than 1 year or so. His real passion is to be a writer but neither of his exes were very supportive and just wanted him to have a regular job. I get a generally unstable vibe.

 

He told me that he wants a serious, monogamous relationship with me is prepared to wait for sex (this is important to me as I need to get to know someone first).

 

Guy 2

 

I felt butterflies and high level of chemistry the first time I saw him. Divorced father of 2. Stable career in the same field since he graduated and pretty senior position. Owns property.

 

He seemed pretty taken with me too. He kind of swept me off my feet but is also prepared to wait for sex and is not pushy about it even though we are extremely attracted to each other.

 

Problems are that the weeks he has his kids, he gets kind of distant. Texts less and will make zero time for me the entire week. So we kind of see each other according to his schedule. He also made vague statements that he may still not be 100% ready for a relationship after his divorce (2 years ago). I am the first person he dated. This makes me a little turned off. He didn't say straight up that he doesn't want a relationship and I think it's too early to push that conversation right now. He is also just a little bit too charming.

 

-----------------------

In terms of getting along, they are both very easy to talk to, we click conversationally and there has been no arguments or drama with either. (I know it's early days but has happened in the past).

 

I don't really have the time and energy to keep seeing both of them even though I don't have to choose right now. If guy 2 was more open to a relationship I would be head over heels to be honest but given the situation, I am holding back.

 

 

Thoughts?

Edited by Eternal Sunshine
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ET,

When I hear girls saying that they can't decide between between two guys then I think that the upshot is that they don't really want either of them. :rolleyes:

 

Because if you really, truly wanted to be with a guy you would know and you would go for it.

 

Just my 6 penneth. :)

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How long has you been seeing Guy 1?

 

At 43 I'm a bit surprised he's happy to wait for sex and suspect he's probably getting it elsewhere... possibly the college parties.

 

Guy 2.

 

Do you have kids?

 

I was seeing a girl for 7 years that had a real issue with my attention to my son when he was with me and used to get jealous over it.

 

This is guy is definitely the better option out of the 2 but I think you'll have to take it really slow with him and accept that he has other commitments that he has to deal with.

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To be honest I'm not sure if either sounds like a catch for you. I've never had much hesitancy committing to a guy I was really into. It was deciding on the guys that were good on paper for me that I struggled with.

 

#1 sounds like a playboy. Going by his history, there is no reason to believe you would be any different than the exes who all seemed to get tired that he was Peter Pan. I would be really surprised if a guy who was that irresponsible could make and keep commitments long term.

 

#2 sounds like he had other priorities and isn't sure what he wants yet. You have a right to question both of these. I'm a single parent so I get how it can be difficult to keep up with both lives but to make a relationship work you still need to figure out how to make time. I tend to make time on my commutes and when the kiddo goes to bed. I would have some conversations about divorce and commitment with this guy. I know I wasn't ready 2 years post divorce to get into a marriage bound relationship. There are a lot of guys (and women) who divorce and can never move towards marriage again. If that's what you want it may never be on the table with this guy (or it will take him much longer than you will want to wait).

 

I will echo what somecamel said. I've had a lot of guy I've rules out because they can't handle sitting back and letting the kids be number one. Even my XH who is kiddos' dad had trouble with this. I believe my exbf would have had issues too as some point.

 

 

How long has you been seeing Guy 1?

 

At 43 I'm a bit surprised he's happy to wait for sex and suspect he's probably getting it elsewhere... possibly the college parties.

 

I wait on sex too. It's been pretty rare that a guy won't wait in their 30s and 40s based on the guys who have lasted more than a couple dates. The guys trolling for sex seem to bow out quickly when they realize it's not on the table.

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What I got from reading this is you really want guy 2 but he hasn't shown you any desire to be in a serious relationship nor will he priorities said relationship because of his children, seems your interest in guy 1 is superficial but he shows that interest in becoming serious, however he doesn't appear to be a stable serious guy.

 

Good money would be bet on guy 1. Guy 2 would wear thin quickly for women in our age bracket (assuming you are in our age bracket).

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Michelle ma Belle

I agree with Arieswoman and Satu said, if you have to ask then perhaps neither of them are a good option.

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#1 is a poor candidate for a LTR. It's easy for him to commit/offer a relationship, because his offer means little. It'll end soon enough, and he knows it.

 

#2 sounds like he isn't ready, but I'd stick around for awhile to let that play out.

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typical, the one that is less available is the most attractive...

 

You are not ready for a relationship if you consider someone who isn't interested in a commitment.

 

Why not just date the more attractive one temporarily.

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Why did that awful Mary MacGregor song just pop into my head? lol

 

Guy number 1 is 43 an you describe him as "immature"? Go look in the frickin mirror, lady..sheesh. :rolleyes:

 

Look , OP

 

The fact of the matter is that you are not torn between two potential lovers, you just like the excitement and flattery of 2 guys doing the Pick Me Dance. And probably without them even knowing it. Could that perhaps be a reason why you haven't had any disagreements or drama with either of them? Hmm?

Perhaps you should be honest with both of them and let them in on your little secret. Maybe you can separate the wheat from the chaff that way...or they can do it for you by not dancing to your tune anymore.

 

It sounds more like you would be ready to dump the guy you are with at the drop of a hat if some good looking guy looked at you sideways.

 

You are simply not relationship material. And that is ok. Some of us aren't. But don't blow smoke up 2 guy's arses for your own amusement.

 

Junior High is long over.

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Sunkissedpatio
ET,

When I hear girls saying that they can't decide between between two guys then I think that the upshot is that they don't really want either of them. :rolleyes:

 

Because if you really, truly wanted to be with a guy you would know and you would go for it.

 

Just my 6 penneth. :)

 

This ^ 100%.

 

It's the problem with dating divorced guys in their 40's those that aren't going through midlife crisis (example 1) are out of a marriage and carrying messy baggage. Thy love bomb you then use the "kids come first"excuse to ghost you because they have huge commitment issues. Waste of time and your heart.

 

Chemistry is easy to find, what's not easy to find is someone who is open of heart and wanting the same things as you do out of life at this stage. But that shouldn't deter you from trying to find it because you will. Neither one of your options sounds all that good to be honest, or at least for me they wouldn't meet my "requirements." That's why asking us kind of defeats your personal purpose.

 

I'll say this though....For as scary as it is to get involved with someone not over their split after 2 years, to me it's even scarier to be with a middle aged man-boy who is trying to sowe the wild oats he didn't get to when he was 25 because he was already married. And looking to make drastic career changes to spite his ex who "wouldn't let him" what a load of crap! Go be a 43 year old starving writer, not on my time. Byyyyyyyyeeeee to that!

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ET,

When I hear girls saying that they can't decide between between two guys then I think that the upshot is that they don't really want either of them.

 

 

I agree^ as I recently experienced this myself.

 

Except I was actually only dating one guy, but became attracted to another guy (a guy I had previously dated back in February but ended as I had not fully recovered from my ex), and was considering dating them BOTH.

 

What ended up happening though was that I broke off with the first guy to see if things would develop with the second guy (was gonna ask him out for coffee).

 

But after I ended things with first guy, I realized I was NOT all that into second guy either.

 

So in the end, NEITHER guy was right for me.... I knew that so decided NOT to date either one of them.

 

I think maybe I am not ready or wanting a RL right now... but will continue keeping options open, meeting/chatting with different guys... and if something clicks... I mean really CLICKS with one... then will see how I feel then.

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What exactly are you looking for out of dating? A relationship? What are your life goals at this point? A family? Lifetime travel partner? Those types of questions will impact who might be a good choice for you. Assuming you're looking for a relationship, neither is a good prospect.

 

Guy #1 can afford to promise you the moon and tell you that now he's ready for a relationship...because he has no intention of following through. What do you think he said to his exes to get them to stick around until he got bored? I'm guessing he has the attention span of a gnat once relationship expectations and responsibilities set in. But, he's enjoying the excitement of new dating right now, and he knows claiming he's looking for an LTR is what he needs to say in order to not get kicked to the curb. His track record speaks for itself! And in case any doubt remained, there are his current life choices--including partying like it's 1999 with 20-year old co-eds. His words don't match his choices--in other words, they're meaningless.

 

Guy #2 is way more honest and thoughtful. He's sharing exactly where he's at (i.e. not necessarily ready for a relationship) and how he prioritizes. He's responsible, practical, stable, dependable, etc. At least with him, you can trust that you know exactly where you stand.

 

Again, I would pass on both personally. Given your inability to decide between the two, there's even more reason to pass and keep looking.

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What type of mother do you want to be? Sugar momma - pick guy 1; step mommy - pick guy 2.

 

Now seriously, neither of them sounds like a marriage material. The man-boy (guy 1) shows erratic behavior that is not compatible with commitment typically, I'd be afraid he'll look after a lady to support him in his endeavors. Guy 2 has too many ties and already told (and showed) you he's not ready for a relationship. If he's not 'recovered' 2 years post-divorce... I doubts he'll be any time, sounds like he's making excuses.

 

No sex after month(s) also most likely means they're getting it from someone else... I wouldn't bother discovering details.

 

But if you'd be ok with FWB - guy 2 sounds right, at least you are attracted to each other and communication is fine as well. Guy 1 sounds like a good buddy to share life stories, not even FWB material.

 

I have been seeing two guys for the last month or so (no exclusivity talk and haven't slept with either). I am actually not sure if either are good relationship material.

 

They are both in their early 40s. While I feel some level of spark for both, I am highly attracted to one. That one is probably less interested in a relationship.

 

So:

 

Guy 1:

 

Met him first. Educated and used to have a career job but hated 9-5 grind so he went back to study recently and retail shifts for income. He is smart and cultured and likes going to theater and opera (that almost nobody I meet does). Never been married and no children.

 

Some concerns about him are that at 43, he is pretty immature. Since going back to school, he slipped right back into college life and goes to all the parties and events with early 20 year olds. He only had 2 relationships and neither lasted more than 1 year or so. His real passion is to be a writer but neither of his exes were very supportive and just wanted him to have a regular job. I get a generally unstable vibe.

 

He told me that he wants a serious, monogamous relationship with me is prepared to wait for sex (this is important to me as I need to get to know someone first).

 

Guy 2

 

I felt butterflies and high level of chemistry the first time I saw him. Divorced father of 2. Stable career in the same field since he graduated and pretty senior position. Owns property.

 

He seemed pretty taken with me too. He kind of swept me off my feet but is also prepared to wait for sex and is not pushy about it even though we are extremely attracted to each other.

 

Problems are that the weeks he has his kids, he gets kind of distant. Texts less and will make zero time for me the entire week. So we kind of see each other according to his schedule. He also made vague statements that he may still not be 100% ready for a relationship after his divorce (2 years ago). I am the first person he dated. This makes me a little turned off. He didn't say straight up that he doesn't want a relationship and I think it's too early to push that conversation right now. He is also just a little bit too charming.

 

-----------------------

In terms of getting along, they are both very easy to talk to, we click conversationally and there has been no arguments or drama with either. (I know it's early days but has happened in the past).

 

I don't really have the time and energy to keep seeing both of them even though I don't have to choose right now. If guy 2 was more open to a relationship I would be head over heels to be honest but given the situation, I am holding back.

 

 

Thoughts?

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You don't swap bodily fluids with someone you are not that all attracted to, you swap bodily fluids with a guy you are highly attracted to..

 

Since this is where a relationship tends to go I thought I would attack the bodily fluids angle...

 

Capisce ?

 

Number one isn't for you.. number two might have promise if you get to see each other nekid.

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Eternal Sunshine
What exactly are you looking for out of dating? A relationship? What are your life goals at this point? A family? Lifetime travel partner? Those types of questions will impact who might be a good choice for you. Assuming you're looking for a relationship, neither is a good prospect.

 

Guy #1 can afford to promise you the moon and tell you that now he's ready for a relationship...because he has no intention of following through. What do you think he said to his exes to get them to stick around until he got bored? I'm guessing he has the attention span of a gnat once relationship expectations and responsibilities set in. But, he's enjoying the excitement of new dating right now, and he knows claiming he's looking for an LTR is what he needs to say in order to not get kicked to the curb. His track record speaks for itself! And in case any doubt remained, there are his current life choices--including partying like it's 1999 with 20-year old co-eds. His words don't match his choices--in other words, they're meaningless.

 

Guy #2 is way more honest and thoughtful. He's sharing exactly where he's at (i.e. not necessarily ready for a relationship) and how he prioritizes. He's responsible, practical, stable, dependable, etc. At least with him, you can trust that you know exactly where you stand.

 

Again, I would pass on both personally. Given your inability to decide between the two, there's even more reason to pass and keep looking.

 

My goals are a long term, monogamous and committed relationship.

 

I don't want children, I think marriage is more of a piece of paper but the level of commitment/closseness I would expect is pretty much similar to what most would consider a marriage. I just don't care for society labels and ceremonies.

 

I quite like guy number 2 but that situation is most likely a bad idea to invest in. I don't think there is much harm in seeing where it goes for now as he has a lot of qualities I am looking for. I am ctually not too worried about getting hurt. I have spent a long time not feeling much so getting hurt almost seems refreshing at this point. The more I got to know guy #1, the more I lost interest so I am done there.

 

It's hard because I don't feel like my standards are too high, I just haven't met anyone in 2 years that fulfils them. I am at an age where chemistry is not enough, a guy needs to have viable long term partner qualites for me to even start investing in. Ten or even 5 years ago, I would invest into anything with chemistry. At the same time, I am not prepared to just get into a pragmatic relationship with very low attraction. But...even if I found someone to start investing in, of course there are so many things that can go wrong with the actual relationship.

 

Sigh.

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Neither are right for you.

 

Guy #1 - when he says that his previous partners weren't supportive of his writing career, this translates to "they weren't prepared to support me". And why would you want someone who you describe as immature anyway?

 

Guy 2 - he doesn't get distant when he has his kids - he gets busy. There's a huge difference. That said, he's not in the market for a relationship with you, so you'd be foolish to waste time with him if you want something serious anytime soon.

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I have been in this position.

 

I think I know what is happening.

 

You are really into guy 2 but because he has shared no real desire to be exclusive and move things forward, you are doing the right thing and distracting yourself with guy one. You are doing the right thing. The only time it bit me in the bum was when the guy I was into WAS truly into me:rolleyes: And then I felt bad for dating another guy behind his back, when he was genuinely enamoured with me and wanting a relationship the entire time....

 

I have never told my dear about that guy. Cos in actual fact, I wanted hi. The entire time and was merely using "guy 1" ( MY guy 1) as a distraction so that I would be less hurt imcase my BF was just going to ghost or let me down gently that he didn't want a relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please stop with guy 1. I know it is tough out there and so many chemistry based dating scenarios never end well for the girl normally, most of us have to sacrifice the butterflies for the guys who actually want to date us... But there Is Still a real chance that the guy you are genuinely into, may want the same things that you do. And with you.

 

When you finally meet the right guy who you feel chemistry with and are head over heels for- and he actually feels the same way about you... There is a chance that you could ruin the best thing that could ever come your way, romantically speaking, by going out and hooking up with other men; remember, just because most guys play you or lose interest after a fiery spark riddled start, there IS likely that one man out there who WILL return your feelings and who may well be pushed away and turned off if he found that the girl he has fallen hard for is in fact, keeping her options open.

 

My BF knows sorta that I was seeing someone but he will never be told the full story.

 

I also did this to my ex. Who was crazy about me and loyal from day one. Shame I went out and hooked up with two other men ( SANS sex) the weekend after I first met my ex. Again, this was a self preserving mechanism. I just didn't trust that my ex was genuine; I almost became accustomed to men ghosting and or loosing interest in me despite starting out acting " crazy about me" :rolleyes:

 

So sure do not expect this guy to be the real deal. He probably isn't. It takes aaaaages to find Mr butterflies with comparability and mutual feelings and relationship goals.

 

But please do not ruin the tiny possibility that this guy two may actually be the love of your life. The fact I ... Did what I did after I first met my current taints things needlessly. He is all I wanted from day one and I wish I had given him a shot... Just a few weeks chance to prove himself, rather than go sleep with someone else just to distract myself from my guy I really wanted since I felt he would not likely be genuinely into me ( like the other 50 guys who I had false starts with):rolleyes:

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I wonder if guy #2 gets distant, because you aren't in a committed relationship. If you were serious, things might be different (but if you don't want kids, I don't think this one would be a good match for you). How old are his kids? Sorry if I missed that.

 

I wouldn't hold onto #1 just to date, but that's me. The idea of a man that age, hanging around young college students, is off-putting to me.

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Eternal Sunshine

I saw guy #2 and I got a really bad vibe that he is not over his ex wife.

 

He told me how he told his ex w the other day that he is now dating someone (me). She got really upset and he is now going to her house tomorrow to make some kind of fence (his kids live there as well) "to get back into her good books". Ugh. I asked him if she dated anyone since the divorce and he said "no". The whole thing turned me off so much that I kind of switched off for rest of the date and just went through the motions.

 

We are not even anything, my feeling is that he was just trying to make her jealous or something. I just said "you really shouldn't have told her", he agreed that it was probably a mistake and then changed the topic.

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Eternal Sunshine
I think you are right....

 

It's hard to know if I am right or just paranoid. I just don't want to overreact to something that may be nothing.

 

Apart from that, we have gotten a lot closer lately. He now contacts me all day long. He also invited me to an event that is 2 months from now and requires buying of expensive tickets.

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Hard to say, but my gut for 'no dating two years after a divorce' rings 'it's a lie'. Especially combined with awkward schedule inavailabilities.

 

If I were you I'd confirm with a background check that he's really divorced... I can give a couple of examples where this check turned essential.

 

It's hard to know if I am right or just paranoid. I just don't want to overreact to something that may be nothing.

 

Apart from that, we have gotten a lot closer lately. He now contacts me all day long. He also invited me to an event that is 2 months from now and requires buying of expensive tickets.

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