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a guy who likes me who is 8 years younger than me


Daisy-oliviaWentcher

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I found out through a friend that someone who I thought was cute actually likes me. He hasn't told me to my face but he has told other people.

 

He is 8 years younger than me though only JUST turned 25 and I am 33 so naturally I feel kinda old.

 

In fact, I wonder why he hasn't gone for younger girls. He's attractive enough and I'm in shock that out of all the woman he likes, likes me. But still he's just a baby, which probably is why he hasn't asked me out yet and of course, there is no guarantee that he actually will!

 

The only thing is-I've had a rush of negative anxious feelings since. I'm used to men not "staying" with me, once I get close they usually don't want to be with me- my relationships with men have lasted from anything from 3 weeks to 2 months. I have had a 2 and a half year relationship- 13 years ago almost so naturally- I'm very, very rusty and I don't know how to feel now based on this new information of him finding me attractive and Liking me.

 

 

Why is it, than when you feel like something " awesome" may be on the horizon that the inner saboteur wants to make up all these reasons and excuses why it won't work from he's too young, to I'm too rusty- I don't know what i'm doing. Which is true, it's possible to feel a bit freaked out if you've been on the shelf for a while.

 

These feelings never hit me when the prospect doesn't feel like it's going to happen or eventuate but I think I might have fears of abdoment to rejection to what have you- after all, that's all I've really known, I haven't really known anything that's worked out before.

 

I know I've posted about this 1000 times, but that old haunting voice of " you've been single for too long" still whispers in my ear from time to time- sometimes- I really do believe it to be true.

 

I never feel these feelings when I'm single, now a guy likes me that I like, and it feels foreign like a culture shock!

 

I'd like someone to say " given the circumstances, your circumstances, this would seem pretty likely and normal a thing to experience- long term single coupled with constant rejection= shock and anxiety" but, lets be real, I'm probably over analysing everything. Though for years of being on my own, having to deal with my own issues independently, I'm USE to over thinking things and sorting myself out.

 

Suddenly out of nowhere these feelings flare up!

 

First of all, I don't know if anything with him and I will actually eventuate and lift off the ground, but I want it to, but at the same time, I know this sounds ridiculous... but I don't know if I can fully embrace all the thing a relationship brings because I'm simply not use to BEING in them and the idea of being vulnerable with someone scares the living **** out of me.

 

Sorry guys, I'm externally processing which is why all my words and feelings are coming out of me like a volcanic eruption.

Please be kind and gracious by the way if you feel you want to give advice. There is enough hateful messages I've read on here before. I'm trying to be kinder myself on other people's post, so to be less of a hypocrite and sweeten my communication because I think everyone deserves a bit of kindness when expressing vulnerability on here. That's why we come here? for some advise? not a beat down.

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Olivia,

I think you are putting the cart before the horse.

 

You say;

 

I found out through a friend that someone who I thought was cute actually likes me. He hasn't told me to my face but he has told other people.

 

So any prospective relationship is infinitely nebulous at the moment.

 

You say;

 

but I don't know if I can fully embrace all the thing a relationship brings because I'm simply not use to BEING in them and the idea of being vulnerable with someone scares the living **** out of me.

 

I think you need to explore this with a counsellor, because I believe the advice you need is outside the scope of this board.

 

Sorry I can't be of more help. x

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher
Olivia,

I think you are putting the cart before the horse.

 

You say;

 

 

 

So any prospective relationship is infinitely nebulous at the moment.

 

You say;

 

 

 

I think you need to explore this with a counsellor, because I believe the advice you need is outside the scope of this board.

 

Sorry I can't be of more help. x

 

All of what you've said thus far, is correct. I have actually given encouraging advice to someone who has experienced the same thing I'm going through now. Except when I go through it, I can't take my own advice?

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About you take it one day at a time?

 

Anxiety comes from letting our brain imagine all sort of scenarios. Put a stop to it. What will be, will be.

 

Maybe a younger man is exactly what you need.

 

I have numerous stories of women friends that are with younger men and are in happy relationships.

 

You know, one day it will be your turn to meet your someone, but for it to happen you have to believe in it. The right man won't let you sabotage yourself.

 

So you going out with the younger dude?

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Olivia,

As I said I think the issue is with your attitude/concerns/fears/issues about relationships in general.

 

The age of the guy is a side issue - he's just a trigger.

 

Please explore your concerns with therapy/counselling is still my advice.

 

Good luck x

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Ask the guy out, what do you really have to lose.

 

As for the age difference, who cares? You might at least have some decent sex. At 25 he may not know much, but he is teachable. You could actually rock his world a little if it worked out.

 

I actually enjoy, sometimes, teaching women what little I know about sex.

 

As for the relationship thing. You really need to work that out in counseling, and try to figure out what our issues really are because you know there is something wrong. But staying out of relationships is usually not the answer.

 

Try not to fall in love and see where it goes with this guy. You could have a lot of fun if you play it right.

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I agree with the previous poster who said this younger guy isn't the issue - it's your reaction to relationships.

 

I'm not sure to suggest but I thought I'd pop in to say you are not alone! In my 28 years, I have spent most of it single. My longest relationship was 9 months that I entered into when I was 26. The beginning of that was very difficult for me. That finished and I have just started seeing someone new and this is proving just as difficult. This guy asked me out and I freaked. Luckily for me, he stuck around, we got closer as friends and now we're...something haha.

 

But I have severe anxiety about it all. I've been single a long time, what if I can't accommodate anyone else? What if he's only interested in sex? What if I really fall for him and he decides he doesn't like me after-all? What if I get hurt as badly as last time, can I survive that? What if we aren't compatible and I'm wasting my time? What if, what if, what if??? It's horrendous and it feels easier to just not be in that situation.

 

But, I do like him. I enjoy spending time with him and I don't want to be alone, so I have to work through it. I'm very lucky in 2 ways. That he was patient at the beginning and he isn't putting any pressure on me and I have friends who know what I'm like. They let me go all crazy and ramble and anxious around them and try to bring me back to earth. I also recognise that most of the thoughts I have are irrational. That my fear is manifesting itself in my internal dialogue and I am very afraid. But if I let that fear rule my life, I'd be single forever and I don't want that. Unfortunately, everyone has their issues. I wish I was different, but I'm not. I have to take one day at a time and recognise when I'm going a bit nuts and wait it out. Working out and distractions help me.

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*About the 25 year old: just pursue what you liking each other will be. You don't know what the outcome will be or the different twists and turns--no one could know; you just have to do it and see what happens. Why try to analyze it to death before you've even been on a date (or at any point really)? Take it day by day as was said above.

 

*About your long period of being single: I just wanted to point out that for someone with a fear of such a thing, has it ever struck you as irrational to keep waiting and sabotaging potential new beginnings THUS ADDING TO THE LENGTH OF TIME YOU HAVE BEEN SINGLE? Sometimes you just have to jump in and "do". Your fears are actually building on themselves and causing MORE of the very thing you fear: long period of being single.

 

For example, even if this turns out to be only a two month relationship, well then your long period of singledom will have been over. does this make sense?

 

I can hear your objection already--that a 2 month relationship isn't significant and that you wouldn't be able to rationalize that it was real. It's all semantics and overanalyzing that would be going on in your head though. Bottom line it would break your period of singledom IF YOU CHOOSE TO CHARACTERIZE IT AS SUCH.

 

You should see what happens with this guy & yes as aries said, seek some counseling about the bigger picture. Good luck

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Michelle ma Belle

Oh sweetie, I've been here and I can tell you from personal experience this is EXACTLY what you need! Younger men are so resilient and the perfect match for us older women looking to get back our groove, in more ways than one.

 

Stop over thinking and over analyzing and just enjoy each and every moment you have while you have it. And if/when it ends, be grateful for the time you got and learn from that experience to grown into a better version of yourself.

 

Relax. Breathe. And enjoy!

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I'm in a similar boat OP. I have a date scheduled this week with a guy who is 7 years younger. All I can really do is get to know him and see if it's a match. So far I've enjoyed what I know of him. It will be a match and work out or it won't. You can't control the outcome.

 

The only long term advice I would have (and this is putting the cart before the horse) is to get a sense of what kind of guy he is if you want a LTR leading to marriage and kids. I found a lot of guys in their 20s aren't ready to think like that yet.

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I don't find that gap unbridgeable simply because the lowest age is 25. Anyone younger than that, there will be too much maturation difference, but people are starting to be fully formed at 25 and at least have the brain capacity to anticipate consequences for their actions. Of course, it depends on the two people. Since to you it's making you feel old, then maybe not for you. But if he was maybe a notch more mature than most 25-year-olds and had, for example, already done a whole lot of dating and kind of gotten having variety sex out of his system at least partway and you were a match for him in some way, common interests or energy level or approach to life, then why not? In my late 20s and 30s, I had a lot of younger guys who liked hanging around. Most of them were too young and immature, so I just made them behave and be a buddy, sometimes let one go to a concert with me or something like that.

 

But there was one I really adored. We just really liked each other, made each other laugh, and we just kept liking each other but not trying to seriously date for a decade until he got married. We both knew it wasn't a marriage match. I was in my 30s by then and not having kids. He never stopped dating women his age and was looking for a wife eventually. But nonetheless, we had a real some type of love for each other that never went away on either side.

 

Under 25 people and even some older than that, of course the maturity gap is just too much. Most of them will view you as old and not of their generation, and they're right. But like with that one guy I knew, we were in the same social circle and everything, so the gap wasn't obvious, though I probably felt it more than him because I had more than one generation I'd been a part of. Young people can be a mess to date because they're usually broke and they're usually still wanting to just keep dating other people.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

It's A) comforting to know that people have the same hang ups as you do. A lot of people wouldn't have the foggiest idea of what you are going through because they have never gone through it. Even articulating this I would fear I'm just crazy. But I am grateful that other people understand the detriments not the positive things long-term singleness can do and I do believe, you can be single for too long and the over- all anxiety and constant head-banging-against-the-wall behaviour is a symptom of that. My head chatter is usually a result of the what if's because I have never had anything successful. I think I am afraid of ' what If I am too inexperienced and suck at relationships?" I believe that the truth is yes. Initially, I will be! I won't know what I am doing, how to relax, how to act, how to receive attention, how to receive love. I'll probably retreat a lot, go into my shell and come out when I know it's safe.

Which is why I probably suit younger men, because they at the same relationship experience age as I am. I maybe thirty-three but my love experience maturity age is probably someone in their early to mid-twenties.

 

B) A younger man can teach me a lot about love as they are new to experiencing it as well, whereas someone a bit older ( like my age) has probably been married before and lived with someone before and likely to already know what they are doing and perhaps their teaching days are a bit behind them. I think an older man or someone my age is less patient in putting up with my nuances and beginning stages. I think someone who is a bit younger is just as clueless as I am which is why I am probably suited to them.

 

 

If this guy asks me out or we get together I will dive head first. For me any date, any relationship ( I had one for two months) I see as significant. Any length of anything I am grateful for. If it's few and far between of course the value of it will be exaggerated in my eyes.

 

 

I do regret heavily about a guy I rejected while I was going through this before. He had been single for a measly two years so he didn't understand my pain or what I was experiencing. He was a bit clingy, but looking back that's what I needed! He was used to being in relationships and two years is really not that long to be alone I don't care what any body says! lol He was someone who could have shown me that I was really liked! but I pushed him away, I let fear get the better of me because I was so scared of being loved because all I knew was being rejected that I ended up rejecting him, and I regret it to this day. Who knows, I could have been married by now. He told me he loved me within a few days, but I think he was just one of those guys that were used to falling fast and profoundly. Whereas I needed more space to adjust and get used to a relationship. He did not care that I had been single for 11 years at that point. I was surprised by this as most men did. But I think he knew what it was like to be used and rejected a lot even if he had been in several relationships. We didn't have an awful lot in common and I wasn't hugely attracted to him, but i think if I could have just relaxed and said yes, I would have started to fall in love, and i think deep down I knew it.

 

He's now getting married to someone else. I regret it to this day.

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If this guy asks me out or we get together I will dive head first. For me any date, any relationship ( I had one for two months) I see as significant. Any length of anything I am grateful for. If it's few and far between of course the value of it will be exaggerated in my eyes.

 

 

I do regret heavily about a guy I rejected while I was going through this before. He had been single for a measly two years so he didn't understand my pain or what I was experiencing. He was a bit clingy, but looking back that's what I needed! He was used to being in relationships and two years is really not that long to be alone I don't care what any body says! lol He was someone who could have shown me that I was really liked! but I pushed him away, I let fear get the better of me because I was so scared of being loved because all I knew was being rejected that I ended up rejecting him, and I regret it to this day. Who knows, I could have been married by now. He told me he loved me within a few days, but I think he was just one of those guys that were used to falling fast and profoundly. Whereas I needed more space to adjust and get used to a relationship. He did not care that I had been single for 11 years at that point. I was surprised by this as most men did. But I think he knew what it was like to be used and rejected a lot even if he had been in several relationships. We didn't have an awful lot in common and I wasn't hugely attracted to him, but i think if I could have just relaxed and said yes, I would have started to fall in love, and i think deep down I knew it.

 

He's now getting married to someone else. I regret it to this day.

 

Good glad you will go. Repeat this to yourself over and over: there is no time like the present.

 

I know you don't want to hear anything negative and feel like whatever I will say will be dangerously close. Why are we back here again on the singleness? I think I've seen it the entire 3 years or so I've been on this forum from your posts. It is beyond a hangup--that's why lots of us are saying you need professional help. Nothing has changed in this time except now you have more time onto your singleness. It's irrational fear.

 

Idk how you think staying in your head to solve all the riddles of how not to get hurt in your next relationship while putting on mileage for the very thing you are most hung up about will help. You can't solve this one in your head--you need to face it head on by dating...and getting that professional help. It's seriously time. Saying that out of caring and wanting to see you get what you want. Good luck

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Someone that tells you he is in love within days is as inexperienced as you. Everyone with a bit of dating experience can make the difference between butterflies and love. Even you.

 

This man was not meant for you. You need to let go of the regrets. You barely knew him how can you make such syrong statements about him. Your brain go back to him because you ID him has the last one who appreciated you truly. Chances are, with his ILY within days it would have crashed and burnt in 2 months like 90% of the time.it's time you get him off his pedestal.

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Hi girly! :D

 

First of all I agree that we should all try to be helpful and supportive of each other....I'm glad you put that out there

 

Ok onto the issue at hand....I completly understand where your coming from in terms of being burned so many times...you cant seem to wrap your head around the idea of opening up to someone again

 

Having been hurt many many times myself, I dont have the energy or the tools it takes to start a new relationship right now, which is why I'm taking time to myself for now and going to therapy

 

But in your case....It sounds like when you heard this guy likes you...it opened up the flood gates of past emotions even though he hasnt even approached you yet (Classic overthinking...I do it all the time)

 

So a few questions for you....

 

Have you healed from your past hurts?

 

Are you ready for a relationship?

 

Are you healthy enough mentally/emotionally for a new relationship?

 

Does it really bother you that you've been out of a relationship for so long or because the thought of being vunerable again is the core issue?

 

If you answer these questions honestly, I think you'll know which direction you should head in....and if you feel alittle over your head with your fears and past hurts maybe see a therapist to help you sort everything out :)

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The age difference should not matter. I've been dating someone 9 years younger for over 3 years now. The age difference is not a factor at all.

 

You don't, however, want your fears or anxieties to interfere with a new relationship. You should be excited and hopeful. Seeing a therapist to help you with this will be a good thing regardless of the age of the guy.

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Dating 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 years difference can see like a lot. Depending on your happiness with this person is the main reason you should consider if this person is right for you. I've tried all the years differences and see no issue. The issue can be with that person. Same ages might work better than a man who is 10 years younger than a woman who is 10 years older. If you love them enough and they love you then what should this all matter. I saying from 21 and up is safer. Again depends on you and that person. No one can say otherwise. The rules have changed.. Love rules!

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I'm over due for a relationship! I think I actually need one for me to fully function as a normal human being and adult and experience a real, adult relationship.

 

I think perhaps the fear is being hurt and rejected. It happens over and over. I've had guys like me but I haven't liked them, but boy, have I tried and forced myself to like them! But unfortunately no avail, nothing ever succeeds I think, and that's why the idea of something maybe possibly works out freaks me out because nothing ever has before. I've opened my heart up so many times, for it to be crushed and ripped out. Imagine that for 13 and a half years- over and over again.

 

I think long-term singleness does not disqualify from you being in a relationship but it does make things harder and it certainly takes a long time for you to adjust into a relationship once you've been out of one and long-term singleness is unhealthy, but not entirely unretrievable. But hey, I'm an anomaly and someone out there has to be pretty unique and patient to go slow with me as I learn how to communicate and express myself to a guy without the fear of the rug been pulled out under my feet.

 

Most days I'm pretty okay. I am a nice looking woman, and I have tonnes of friends, and I work hard, but admittedly I get lonely sometimes. I think most men will have more dating experience than I have, and I have accepted that, but maybe a fresh perspective of appreciating every moment I have with someone as a big, significant step even if they are used to it, may make them understand my appreciation for everything, perhaps see that naivety as rather endearing. As I said, I exaggerate the value of anything, even if it's 2 week relationship because I think it's such a big deal to me as these moments and relationships come few and far between. So there are pros and cons I guess, one of them, you know relationships are rare so you are more likely to treat it with a lot more respect and caution, valuing the person and the relationship more than perhaps others. I know that when I do meet the right person, It's very unlikely that I'll take that person for granted and I'll be incredibly loyal and loving. Seeing the person and the relationship as a precious and rare gift even if they are use to being in them.

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