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Muslim bf not telling his parents about me


burritosntacos

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burritosntacos

Me and my bf have been dating for about a year now. We have many future plans and it seems like a very promising relationship and were both very happy. Problem is...

He is Muslim and I am Christian. It is against his religion to date so he technically can't have me. However, he doesn't believe in the religion at all so wants to continue dating me. However, he cannot tell his parents about me because they would definitely not approve of me and he doesn't want to get cut-off financially before starting medical school next year. He says that he will tell them as soon as he is not financially dependent on them.

This worries me recently. If hes afraid to tell them now, what will change in 4 years? Won't he feel even more in debt to them that they just paid for 8 years of his school entirely and now he has to go against them?

Do I trust his word, that he will eventually choose me, or is this relationship doomed?

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snip

 

Do I trust his word, that he will eventually choose me, or is this relationship doomed?

 

It is absolutely doomed.

 

Don't be someones guilty secret.

 

Walk away.

 

 

Take care.

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The only way I think you are going to resolve this is by having the conversation flat out. I have Muslim friends who are far less devout than their parents and this will no doubt be even more the case with their children after them as there is less of a religious influence on the lives of children born in a non Muslim country than on people who lived most of their lives in a strictly religious society.

 

I don't know if this is the case with your partner but Muslim friends of mine, whilst they don't drink, have no problem with coming to the pub for example but I don't doubt probably don't mention it to their grandmother for example.

 

If this if for keeps then you have to ask him if he can envisage a point where you properly settle down and maybe even get married and or have a family. Either he would have to keep this quiet or stand up to his parents. Most parents when all said and done just want their children to be happy and I'm sure his are no different.

 

Just my opinion but good luck either way

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There are an awful lot of snap decisions made on here by people who don't bother to ask a little more about what's going on. If you want my honest opinion on whether or not I think there's a future I will tell you.

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The only way I think you are going to resolve this is by having the conversation flat out. I have Muslim friends who are far less devout than their parents and this will no doubt be even more the case with their children after them as there is less of a religious influence on the lives of children born in a non Muslim country than on people who lived most of their lives in a strictly religious society.

 

I don't know if this is the case with your partner but Muslim friends of mine, whilst they don't drink, have no problem with coming to the pub for example but I don't doubt probably don't mention it to their grandmother for example.

 

If this if for keeps then you have to ask him if he can envisage a point where you properly settle down and maybe even get married and or have a family. Either he would have to keep this quiet or stand up to his parents. Most parents when all said and done just want their children to be happy and I'm sure his are no different.

 

Just my opinion but good luck either way

 

Muslim or not...90% of behavior as a late tern/early 20s isn't going to get told to grandma.

 

Religion aside this is very common in many immigrant groups like latin, asian, and eastern European of feeling their kids are drifting sway from the cultural norms that don't exist in the US.

 

Similarly they likely will not approve of anyone outside their nationality even if they shared the same religion.

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Anything is possible, but I think you know the chances of this working out are slim.

 

Religious differences and familial obligations are difficult to overcome. Even if your boyfriend is not devout, his parents may be and, as you know, their influence is significant.

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There are an awful lot of snap decisions made on here by people who don't bother to ask a little more about what's going on. If you want my honest opinion on whether or not I think there's a future I will tell you.

 

I wouldn't classify this as a snap decision. This is a fundamental issue that isn't likely to change. We aren't talking about a girlfriend who's frustrated that her boyfriend squeezes the tube of toothpaste in the middle. We're talking about religion issues that are pretty cut and dry. I've had a few friends and associates date someone in this sort of situation over the years and it's always ended poorly for the very reason outlined in this OP.

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If you can make it through all the years of studying and stay together as a couple then it won't end after that because his family don't approve because bh which time neither he nor you will care what anyone else thinks. I wish you luck but I do agree, it's going to be a tough ride and I mean that in terms of school rather than his family but who knows?

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I wouldn't classify this as a snap decision. This is a fundamental issue that isn't likely to change. We aren't talking about a girlfriend who's frustrated that her boyfriend squeezes the tube of toothpaste in the middle. We're talking about religion issues that are pretty cut and dry. I've had a few friends and associates date someone in this sort of situation over the years and it's always ended poorly for the very reason outlined in this OP.

 

You can't simply say it's doomed and that's it. By doing so there is an assumption that no relationship of mixed religion can ever work out and that's obviously not the case.

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“Made lawful to you this day are At‑Tayyibaat [all kinds of Halaal (lawful) foods, which Allaah has made lawful (meat of slaughtered eatable animals, milk products, fats, vegetables and fruits)]. The food (slaughtered cattle, eatable animals) of the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends. And whosoever disbelieves in Faith, [i.e. in the Oneness of Allaah and in all the other Articles of Faith i.e. His (Allaah’s) Angels, His Holy Books, His Messengers, the Day of Resurrection and Al‑Qadar (Divine Preordainments)], then fruitless is his work; and in the Hereafter he will be among the losers”

 

al-Maa'idah 5:5

 

(Bolded emphasis mine.)

 

 

 

"It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper].”

(Narrated by al-Bukhaari)

 

 

 

“Marriage to a Christian is an abhorrent action which leads to the kufr of the children for sure.

 

Whoever accepts for a child of his to be a kaafir is himself a kaafir, even if he claims to be a Muslim.

 

A man may become a kaafir, following his wife, and enter the Fire of Hell forever.

 

You must look for one who is religiously committed, if you want a sound marriage.

 

Forget about the people of kufr and beware of marrying them, for that will lead to a lot of evil.

 

The children of such a marriage will not be guided; they will swell the ranks of evildoers."

 

al-Baqarah 2:256]

 

 

So yeah, its doomed.

 

 

Take care.

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You can't simply say it's doomed and that's it. By doing so there is an assumption that no relationship of mixed religion can ever work out and that's obviously not the case.

 

OP's boyfriend wants to keep her a dark, dirty secret for the next four years. And even then, who's to say he won't move the goal posts in four years and find a reason to still not tell his parents about her? What kind of life is that? How is that not a doomed relationship?

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So not a single mixed religion relationship between a Muslim and a Christian has ever worked out well? Ridiculous. You do need to understand that not all people who associate themselves with any religion necessarily live their day to day lives by following to the letter the words written in a book thousands of years ago.

 

The basic principles of any religion are to be a decent person and a Muslim family may come to the conclusion that by giving their son or daughter their blessing to marry or have a relationship with someone outside of their religion that Allah would also bless this because Islam is a religion of peace and unity believe it or not.

 

I've just googled Christian/Muslim marriages and in the UK they account for 4% of all marriages. So you are certain none of those are happy ones?

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OP's boyfriend wants to keep her a dark, dirty secret for the next four years. And even then, who's to say he won't move the goal posts in four years and find a reason to still not tell his parents about her? What kind of life is that? How is that not a doomed relationship?

 

As I said, I have my opinion on the likely outcome of this relationship but it's not for anyone here surely to simply say it's doomed, end of story. Thought this forum was about talking things through and getting to the bottom of problems or questions? If it isn't then I won't bother wasting any more time here.

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So not a single mixed religion relationship between a Muslim and a Christian has ever worked out well? Ridiculous. You do need to understand that not all people who associate themselves with any religion necessarily live their day to day lives by following to the letter the words written in a book thousands of years ago.

 

The basic principles of any religion are to be a decent person and a Muslim family may come to the conclusion that by giving their son or daughter their blessing to marry or have a relationship with someone outside of their religion that Allah would also bless this because Islam is a religion of peace and unity believe it or not.

 

I've just googled Christian/Muslim marriages and in the UK they account for 4% of all marriages. So you are certain none of those are happy ones?

 

This isn't a case of her boyfriend's parents struggling to accept her. It's a case of the OP's boyfriend being so scared/certain of his parents' rejection of this girl that he wants to hide her for FOUR YEARS.

 

Sure, this could conceivably work out, but the odds are unbelievably low. To me, that would not be worth putting four years worth of skin into the game.

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Wouldn't you rather date a guy whose parents liked and welcomed you into their family?

 

What if things don't work out and he ends up needing their money for longer than 4 years?

 

Unless he hates his family and loves you more than anything on the planet, I doubt he'd cut them off just to keep seeing you. If he was that serious about it, I imagine he would at least try to bring you home and give his parents the ultimatum of accepting you or losing him.

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I can think of no circumstance where it would be acceptable to pretend that someone doesn't exist.

 

If he feels he has to pretend now, that will almost certainly continue after her four years of being an unperson.

 

It is disgusting to even ask it of her.

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As I say, I have my own opinion of where this is going.....just think that in any case be it this relationship or another people shouldn't just reply with, it's over that's it. Just my feelings. No offence taken or meant it's just how I feel.

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As I say, I have my own opinion of where this is going.....just think that in any case be it this relationship or another people shouldn't just reply with, it's over that's it. Just my feelings. No offence taken or meant it's just how I feel.

 

I mean no offense by this, but I would say your own story is a perfect example of what can happen when someone unflinchingly hitches their hopes, dreams, and life to a situation that is, at best, a long-shot to succeed.

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I'd be inclined to agree but (and by the looks of it the OP isn't wanting to reply so it probably matters not) because there are so many broken hearts on here, myself included, there can be a tendency to jump the gun. Is this relationship screwed? Probably. But before I would say definitely that I think that, there's a whole story behind this which we aren't likely to see by the looks of it.

 

The thing is with a forum like this there are genuinely some life changing decisions and questions being asked by the minute at times by new posters and I don't think it's ok to just reply to the first post that someone makes that their relationship is doomed. It is possible (unlikely granted) that the OP's boyfriend doesn't agree with his parents beliefs and yet is desperate for a career in medicine but knows that without their financial support this will never happen. He will be able to pay the money back should he make a success of his studies and then can decide whether or not to tell them about his relationship. Probably not, but nobody knows for certain and surely all users here should bear in mind when answering a post from a new user that they could have ended up here out of utter desperation and may be quite capable of making rash choices. If the OP doesn't want to talk things through then fine, wish them luck and move on.

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OP,

The only way that this could work out long-term is if you converted to Islam - but think very carefully before you go down that road.

 

From my own experience I know of girls at uni that dated Muslim students all through their course. As soon as the Muslim lads got their degrees they were back off to Iran/Iraq/Pakistan to marry a "nice" Muslim girl, leaving a trail of broken hearts.

 

We tried to warn these girls but we got told we were "just jealous".:rolleyes:

 

Take care OP x

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I will simply say - date men of the same mentality and cultural background.

 

My best friend is together with a Muslim guy, he doesn't practice his religion, but I can already tell he's gonna leave her as soon as he feels like it's time to marry and settle down. Why? On the side of a lot of other problems, the biggest one is that he absolutely adores his mother. The mother and my friend can barely communicate because of the language barrier and cultural differences.But my friend's bf spends 90% of his free time with the mom and siblings, prioritizing them over anything else in his life, despite my friend feeling left out. Time will come and he will find a persian girl to marry. During their arguments he even snaps out "you're just a time passer for me".

 

OP, your guy will never go against family.

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher

I dated a guy ( really, really brief) I gave him sex, he pushed for it, I like him so I caved. He didn't call me the entire weekend afterwards. He had me on the edge of my seat. He then text me that he didn't want to waste more of his time and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I could immediately tell he was lying. I am Christian and he was Muslim.

 

I'm not saying all Muslim men do this, I think it's a douche bag thing not a religious man thing. But usually a man who is dating a Christian who is a Muslim will sometimes push for sex because they think it's easier to get it from someone who is perhaps western, but then marry a muslim woman.

 

The guy I dated had no intention of staying with me, but I wonder had I been of a different religion ( I.E his religion) he would have treated me better and respected me.

 

It's not on common. I think however it's better if you are dating someone that doesn't want to hide you. :)

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So not a single mixed religion relationship between a Muslim and a Christian has ever worked out well? Ridiculous. You do need to understand that not all people who associate themselves with any religion necessarily live their day to day lives by following to the letter the words written in a book thousands of years ago.

 

The basic principles of any religion are to be a decent person and a Muslim family may come to the conclusion that by giving their son or daughter their blessing to marry or have a relationship with someone outside of their religion that Allah would also bless this because Islam is a religion of peace and unity believe it or not.

 

I've just googled Christian/Muslim marriages and in the UK they account for 4% of all marriages. So you are certain none of those are happy ones?

I'm guessing they didn't keep it a secret from family to have access to daddy's purse?

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He kept you a secret for an entire year and now demands to keep you a secret for another 4 years? He will never reveal you to his parents. Now he is using going to medical school and then after that it will be something else like they they will take him off their will, or they won't invest in his grand-children, etc etc.

 

When a grown up man is that much under his parents influence you don't date him. I don't know why you didn't see this right at the beginning and I don't know why you accepted to be a secret for a whole year.

 

This is real life with real important consequences for him, this is not a chapter of Aladdin and he'll fly away with you on his carpet.

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