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Still thinking about him...should I even try?


Guttergurl

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Hi all...so I met this handsome musician guy three years ago, I'll call him Jesse. I felt a really strong attraction and chemistry with Jesse, but a few things got in the way iniatially. For me, I was still not over a breakup. Jesse was a bit flakey but also seemed extremely jealous of me hanging around other guys.

 

I didn't know what to make of our "relationship".We slept together once - and the sex was incredible! - but that was about all, so I stopped contacting him.

 

A few months down the line I was thinking about him when he called me and asked me out on a proper date. Later that month I asked him to go to a concert with me and we had a great time, so great that he told me he loved me before kissing me goodnight.

 

A month later and I didn't hear anything from him, so I thought I should give him a call to ask about what he said (it was nagging me).

 

The coversation started very awkwardly. I asked him what he was up to and he started talking so fast I could barely make out what he was saying. When I asked him about the "I love you" he told me he didn't remember saying it and that if he did say it he most likely meant it in a friendly way. I was pretty confused by what he was saying especially because he performs as a musician around town and youtube videos of his recent performances showed him singing about a special girl who makes him incredibly happy.

 

I tried to get in touch with him a few times after that and he always called me back, but I got tired of calling him all the time. We even had plans to see another concert and he didn'the show up - so again I called it quits and was heartbroken.

 

A year later I saw he had posted some new music and I noticed the last song on the album was about the night he told me that he loved me - basically saying how special that night was and that he should have never let me go.

 

Since then I've moved away and seen other guys, but I just haven'the found as strong of a connection as I did with Jesse. He has moved on with a new girl - all I really know is that she lives on the other side of the country, but they have a lot of mutual friends and his best friend is dating hers, so that makes me nervous.

 

I'm wondering if we still have a chance and if I should take a risk and go to one of his concerts to talk with him in person? This is two years after we stopped speaking.

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No.

 

Why do you think the song is about you? When you asked him about it he said he didn't even really remember saying he loved you. Then he stood you up.

 

He didn't seem like he was all that interested when you were talking and now he's in a relationship and it's been a couple of years. I would definitely leave it alone and stop keeping tabs on this guy.

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He's a player who has perfected his game. He got you coming back imitatively. Now you are hooked, and he can come and go when he likes: If he is in town.. and nobody is around, you will be there. Probably girls in other towns just like you. How does that sound to you, hm?

 

No respectable guy, who actually says he loves a girl, essentially ditches her after a night or two in bed. You should really question yourself as to what this "connection" feeling really is you have, and what caused it. Best of luck

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No.

 

Why do you think the song is about you? When you asked him about it he said he didn't even really remember saying he loved you. Then he stood you up.

 

He didn't seem like he was all that interested when you were talking and now he's in a relationship and it's been a couple of years. I would definitely leave it alone and stop keeping tabs on this guy.

 

I wouldn't assume it was about me if it was just about love or a girl - but he got very specific in the lyrics of the song, details and things I said and did that night. I would be more specific, but I don't want to put up exactly what the lyrics were (for privacy, as his band is somewhat well known).

 

Honestly if it weren'the for those songs (two I know we're written about me), I wouldn't have known he had any feelings toward me aside from the "I love you" if that even means anything, really....

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He's a player who has perfected his game. He got you coming back imitatively. Now you are hooked, and he can come and go when he likes: If he is in town.. and nobody is around, you will be there. Probably girls in other towns just like you. How does that sound to you, hm?

 

No respectable guy, who actually says he loves a girl, essentially ditches her after a night or two in bed. You should really question yourself as to what this "connection" feeling really is you have, and what caused it. Best of luck

 

Thanks for the input. I mean I can't lie and say I didn't get somewhat of a player vibe from him. He is really young, attractive, and a musician. But I was somewhat of a player too around the time I met him. I slept with him without any expectations and assumed I wouldn't be hearing much from him (he did reach out though, but I wasn't ready for anything).

 

It wasn't until months later that we kinda started that brief courtship (not sleeping together) and he said I love you. I also didn't realize how strong my feelings were for him until that night.

 

I agree it was really shady to ditch me after, I deleted all of his contact info and changed my phone number I was so hurt.

 

It's the super sad love songs about us that confuse me and make me think, maybe he was scared? But you could be right about him. I don't think he is cheating on his gf, but...who knows...

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Ok I'm going to offer a completely different opinion here, only because I currently know someone who reminds me of your guy. My friend (who I very briefly dated in the past) is a photographer, he travels all around the world, he is exceptionally talented, attractive, younger than me and my housemate says he has a slight 'player' vibe! When we dated, he was flakey, always late, cancelled last minute! We did have incredible sex once and we still talk now although I have noticed that he tends to disappear when we get close or things get intense. So he could be similar, this friend of mine revealed to me just the other night that he doesn't deal well with heartbreak and when I asked him to elaborate, he said he "doesn't want to". I haven't really spoken to him since.

 

 

I think these people sometimes also date others that don't 'speak' directly to their insecurities, (ie if they fear vulnerability, they will date someone who does not incite deep feelings in them). An old post on here described this type of choice as striving for the leaves of the tree that are a little lower down as there's safety in that!

 

 

Anyway, just another opinion here! There are all types of complicated and broken humans in this world, I don't believe it's as simple as 'if he loved you, he'd treat you accordingly'. But I also DO NOT believe this type of guy will serve you well or would want to pursue something serious with you.

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I should say though that it's equally possible he's a huge player and/or narcissist! So only you can really know if there was honesty there in his feelings. And even if you think there was, tragically, there's nowhere to go with it!!

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Ok I'm going to offer a completely different opinion here, only because I currently know someone who reminds me of your guy. My friend (who I very briefly dated in the past) is a photographer, he travels all around the world, he is exceptionally talented, attractive, younger than me and my housemate says he has a slight 'player' vibe! When we dated, he was flakey, always late, cancelled last minute! We did have incredible sex once and we still talk now although I have noticed that he tends to disappear when we get close or things get intense. So he could be similar, this friend of mine revealed to me just the other night that he doesn't deal well with heartbreak and when I asked him to elaborate, he said he "doesn't want to". I haven't really spoken to him since.

 

Fits a similar profile in many ways. I may have said the wrong thing by saying this guy was flakey. It was, more or less, like I had to pursue him and he was always busy with his band. He always reciprocated, which was nice, but I had to initiate everything - which eventually made me lose interest. Later when he finally came around and asked me out I knew it was kind of a big step for him.

 

I think these people sometimes also date others that don't 'speak' directly to their insecurities, (ie if they fear vulnerability, they will date someone who does not incite deep feelings in them). An old post on here described this type of choice as striving for the leaves of the tree that are a little lower down as there's safety in that!

 

Could be true. Maybe I should try this approach instead of climbing to the top of the tree, getting the apple, and then falling and snapping myself into pieces like humpty dumpty if you know what I mean :rolleyes:

 

Anyway, just another opinion here! There are all types of complicated and broken humans in this world

 

No doubt about that, I think this situation left me broken as I really like the idea of a future with this guy. We're both young, creative, kinda wild...we share the same passion for good music. We shared incredible times together and the sex :bunny: it was hard for me to resist the temptation to become his little plaything and now I wish would have just given in! Maybe a more satisfying outcome for both of us? Guess it was so intense I was trying to protect myself emotionally, also considering my recent breakup.

 

I don't believe it's as simple as 'if he loved you, he'd treat you accordingly'. But I also DO NOT believe this type of guy will serve you well or would want to pursue something serious with you.

 

Makes sense to my brain, but my heart still yearns :( Why?

 

It is actually somewhat of a relief to hear you that you think this, because I had sought advice about this topic before and a person told me that I had been far too passive and missed the boat completely by not telling him I loved him back straight away. This was also written about in both of his songs (the fact that I didn't say I love you back). But just because I didn't say it didn't mean that I wanted him to scrap everything and leave me high and dry.

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No, he's with someone anyway.

Guys who like a girl, act like you're doing right now, so they do something about it. He hasn't reached out at all.

 

I think you've built up an image in your mind of this perfect guy, (which he's not) because you're listening to his music and looking him up online, so it feels like there's still a connection.

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Artists are exciting and they know it. They are often the best lovers as well. This young, goodlooking guy probably swoons girls where ever he goes. He throws around the "I love you" and doesn't even remember saying it the next day. Do you think you are the only girl he's said that to? No, it isn't. If he felt as strongly about you as you think he would be in hot pursuit of you; and wouldn't have stood you up for the concert. I can almost guarantee that you aren't the only girl who thinks that song is about them.

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Too bad, but he's not thinking about you. We women often fall into a trap of "maybe he's out there somewhere, walking around missing me". If he was you'd know.

 

Some silly song is no proof, bet writing those lyrics gets him into more panties than you think.

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Thanks for the advice, but I'm still not so sure about this situation.

 

I'm not going to go too far out of my way to say he isn't a player, I don't know that for certain, but he does have a girlfriend now. It could be my problem that I assumed he wasn't boyfriend material.

 

As far as the song, I was getting ready to move when I saw his band put out new music. I don'the know why, I just had a feeling in my gut there was a song about me (since we ended things around the time he was writing and recording). I understand why that is hard to believe, but no other girl would think that song was about her. It is his least popular song online because its not like the ones he normally writes that are really catchy and easy to relate or dance to. But I could easily see where you could think I'm just dreaming or looking too far into it. He did make himself pretty clear in the song about having strong feelings for me and regreting letting me slide away.

 

I think as MKN said, only I can really know and I feel like the only way to know is to talk to him face to face and risk rejection. Which is scary because I really started to fall for him and he really hurt me.

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Thanks for the advice, but I'm still not so sure about this situation.

 

I'm not going to go too far out of my way to say he isn't a player, I don't know that for certain, but he does have a girlfriend now. It could be my problem that I assumed he wasn't boyfriend material.

 

As far as the song, I was getting ready to move when I saw his band put out new music. I don'the know why, I just had a feeling in my gut there was a song about me (since we ended things around the time he was writing and recording). I understand why that is hard to believe, but no other girl would think that song was about her. It is his least popular song online because its not like the ones he normally writes that are really catchy and easy to relate or dance to. But I could easily see where you could think I'm just dreaming or looking too far into it. He did make himself pretty clear in the song about having strong feelings for me and regreting letting me slide away.

 

I think as MKN said, only I can really know and I feel like the only way to know is to talk to him face to face and risk rejection. Which is scary because I really started to fall for him and he really hurt me.

 

It was a song. An idea. Something to write about. He was inspired by it. But that doesn't all translate to having interest in you.

 

He's stood you up. He's never kept in contact. Guys that are interested will show interest. They don't disappear.

 

It was good while it lasted. Let it go.

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Even if the song was about you (although very unlikely from reading your post), you probably want to figure out why your self-respect is so little that you'd even WANT to chase after a guy who clearly doesn't love you, doesn't show interest in you, and stood you up. Surely, you can do better than this guy. Love yourself and raise your standards and know you deserve wayyyyy better.

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OP... I hear ya I adore musicians (and chefs!)... creative, sensitive, moody, brooding, dark, passionate, deep..... just my type!

 

Unfortunately most of them are not able to stand still with any one woman for any significant length of time... so any sort of involvement with them will most likely be short lived.

 

It's a hell of a ride though while it lasts.

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I'm an expert in knowing what gigging musicians are like. So let me give you some perspective.

 

Number 1, any gigging musician has more options than you can believe, even if they're not all that attractive. They are like kids in a candy store. Many of them became musicians specifically so they could get all these women. Most of them will get laid a lot by a lot of different women. Most of them will maybe have one woman they are striving for or whatever, usually a model or something like that, often one who isn't even interested in them or their music. Just about how the woman looks. She may have zero in common with them and may not even like "dirty musicians." Seen it over and over. But then meanwhile, it's a steady stream of new women they spend the night with or a few nights with. They usually have a small handful of women who will help take care of them when they are not flush with money. Where they can go shower, do a load of laundry, make a sandwich, park their pet. Then take off again.

 

For at least some years, they are having too much fun to stop and want to marry someone and settle down. If they are real successful, eventually the new wears off and they may be more apt to settle down.

 

You mentioned flakey. It's a left brain/right brain thing. Most really serious dedicated musicians are no good at responsibility, daily things like paying bills, nine to five jobs, showing up anywhere on time, making plans and keeping them. In short, they will disappoint you repeatedly. They will forget they said they'd be there at a certain time. They cannot all be counted on even to come rescue you when you have car trouble like you would them. I have had one disappear for a whole week because he forgot to tell me he was going into the studio. I took one to his own gig and he disappeared afterward leaving me there with his guitar waiting....and waiting....and waiting, until I finally drove home without him. He would show up the next day telling me someone took acid or something that made no sense and was no justification for leaving me there. They are irresponsible and impulsive.

 

........and I have a soft spot for them. I love them. I love their creativity. I love the way they work on their image and aren't afraid to wear makeup and do their hair and get creative with clothing. I love to watch them write or listen to music or preen. I love them. But I was never foolish enough to think one would make a good husband. I might have considered it if they were a rich rockstar because that might have made it worth it because it offered a grand lifestyle. But not for someone to rely on in life.

 

As far as the songwriting, I think I can help you out there too. If they are writing their own music, then they learn to use whatever is around them for inspiration. Sometimes one song is about six different women. Many times they will not admit it is about you, but if their bandmates like you, they will tell you. That happened to me with a late '80s rock singer. His guitarist who arranged the song, would clue me in when I would see them (I had a business reason to see them). I had slept with the guy only once. From the conversation leading up to it, which was about motorcycles, that inspired one of their best songs. The guitarist told me, "Listen to ______" and he let me know it wasn't "about" me but was from this conversation.

 

Later, after I slept with the guy, he looked sheepish backstage and his guitarist started yelling out song titles to me and he'd make a comment to show if it was all about me or a little. Like, he said "partly," because it was about more than one woman, a composite, which is typical. Sure enough, when the album came out and I read the lyrics there was something very specific there that I knew at least the one song came from our conversation, calling me an underworld figure, from a story I'd told him from my hippie days.

 

So it doesn't take much for a musician to use you for inspiration. This one I just talked about, they were on the road all the time. I'm sure he'd slept with a thousand women because he was very good looking. I was a novelty to him and he was nervous looking forward to being with me, which is what the other song was about. Written between the time I talked to him one day and went and saw them a couple days later. So I had one song on one album and two on another. And yet we had just met and talked a few times and had sex once. And it's not like he was ALL into me, because he got married not long after that to a gorgeous LA girl, which didn't last. But I'm sure she was also good for a few songs!

 

One musician I knew well, 30 years after the breakup, his bandmate called me with the covert message to listen to a "new song." The song was titled something like "I don't care," and apparently he wanted me to know that; but the irony is apparently he DID care if he was still writing songs about it 30 years later! Ah, musicians are a funny sort!

 

Most musicians won't even admit it because it's embarrassing. But also because they MUST take poetic license and put some stuff in there that isn't true just to make it rhyme or make a proper song and others also contribute to it. So a song is rarely the whole truth and only about one person. It's a little bit of that and a lot of making stuff up.

 

Look, gigging musicians are used to women showing up at concerts to see them, so if you want to do it, do it. But don't for a minute think you are special to him because of him saying "I love you" and then doing a disappearing act and then something he used for a lyric. Remember, musician or not, actions speak louder than words, and except for that one real date you mentioned, he's stood you up and basically faded on you. I'm sure he likes you okay, but he likes the new girl down front dancing just as well....times 100.

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Thanks for the advice, but I'm still not so sure about this situation.

 

I'm not going to go too far out of my way to say he isn't a player, I don't know that for certain, but he does have a girlfriend now. It could be my problem that I assumed he wasn't boyfriend material.

 

As far as the song, I was getting ready to move when I saw his band put out new music. I don'the know why, I just had a feeling in my gut there was a song about me (since we ended things around the time he was writing and recording). I understand why that is hard to believe, but no other girl would think that song was about her. It is his least popular song online because its not like the ones he normally writes that are really catchy and easy to relate or dance to. But I could easily see where you could think I'm just dreaming or looking too far into it. He did make himself pretty clear in the song about having strong feelings for me and regreting letting me slide away.

 

I think as MKN said, only I can really know and I feel like the only way to know is to talk to him face to face and risk rejection. Which is scary because I really started to fall for him and he really hurt me.

 

 

It's been two years and he was never your boyfriend. You slept together once, had a date and got blown off a few times. His actions in the past strongly indicate that he does not have strong feelings for you and probably never did.

 

If you had some whirlwind kinda romance, I could understand, but it sounds like you barely even knew him.

 

People need to do things to learn lessons for themselves, but what are you expecting out of this? If you had to chase him down back when he was single, do you really think you're going to get his attention now that he's in a relationship? He's not going to dump his girlfriend and profess his love for you. You might get some sex but what has he done to deserve your body, your time or your attention?

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I understand why that is hard to believe, but no other girl would think that song was about her. It is his least popular song online because its not like the ones he normally writes that are really catchy and easy to relate or dance to. But I could easily see where you could think I'm just dreaming or looking too far into it. He did make himself pretty clear in the song about having strong feelings for me and regreting letting me slide away.

The sooner you stop deluding yourself, the better off you'll be. That's a ridiculous assumption that NO OTHER FEMALE ON EARTH would think his lame YouTube song is about them. You keep trying to romanticize some sleazy opportunist who couldn't even show you the common decency and respect I show my damned mailman.

 

He did make himself pretty clear in the song about having strong feelings for me and regreting letting me slide away.

AGAIN, you keep assuming you're the only one this silly song could be about. You're NOT.

 

You were just one of many for this guy and he put NO effort into you at all. You've deluded yourself into thinking it was some kind of love affair for the ages when it wasn't. You even mistakenly claim, "when we ended things..." and even that is delusional. There wasn't anything TO end, the guy stood you up and blew you off and never looked back. There was no 'we' about it. Jeez.

 

You can keep deluding yourself that he's crying into his beer every night and writing songs about YOU being the one who 'got away,' but at least you won't be alone - there are probably MANY other foolish young ladies just as deluded, thinking his songs are about them.

 

You've got TWO pages in this thread of people telling you you're scraping the bottom of the barrel in a desperate attempt to cling to a fantasy that exists only in YOUR mind and you keep coming back with more ridiculous reasons for why everyone is wrong. :rolleyes:

 

Therefore, I recommend you show up at his door and give him that second chance for love that he apparently threw away the first time and is STILL pining about two years later and talking about in his songs (in your mind, that is). Don't be surprised if he doesn't remember your name when he answers the door.

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Oh girl there's nothing to lose admitting you still like him so don't hesitate. Your fear of being rejected is not real it's all in your mind. This could be your last chance.

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The sooner you stop deluding yourself, the better off you'll be. That's a ridiculous assumption that NO OTHER FEMALE ON EARTH would think his lame YouTube song is about them. You keep trying to romanticize some sleazy opportunist who couldn't even show you the common decency and respect I show my damned mailman.

 

 

AGAIN, you keep assuming you're the only one this silly song could be about. You're NOT.

 

I didn't post this topic to debate back and forth about the song being written about me, it was.

 

There is a difference between a love song that goes like this

 

"Hey girl,

You're the best,

When I looked into your eyes,

I knew you were the one"

 

And a song like this:

 

"Hey girl

Remember that moment around such and such time

When we were at said place

When you told me such and such

And I replied blah blah blah (the exact words of our conversation)

Then I said I love you

And waited for your response

Well I never felt for someone that way,

Shouldn't have let you get away.."

 

I can understand why people want to say he is just a womanizer and I must be "delusional" as you say. That makes things a lot easier and simpler to understand. But I came here for advice because it's complicated, for me at least, still having feelings and hearing something like that said in a song.

 

Therefore, I recommend you show up at his door and give him that second chance for love that he apparently threw away the first time and is STILL pining about two years later and talking about in his songs (in your mind, that is).

 

I just want to talk with him. I don't expect anything or claim to know what he feels - especially now that he is with someone. I just know as of a year ago he posted a song about me.

 

Don't be surprised if he doesn't remember your name when he answers the door.

 

Mmk.

 

I understand if you have the opinion that he still isn't worth me getting hurt again, and I respect everyone's opinion. However, if someone just uses it as an opportunity to tell me all musician's are sleazeballs or that I don'the have enough discretion to know when something is written about me, then I just don't find it to be that helpful for me, personally. But at the end of the day - it's just an Internet forum, not the end all be all of my decision or the authority on the matter.

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I just want to talk with him. I don't expect anything or claim to know what he feels - especially now that he is with someone. I just know as of a year ago he posted a song about me.

 

You came here and asked for advice if you should attempt contact. The responses have been unanimous. If you still want to contact, then go ahead. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.

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They're not really unanimous. I told her if she wants to show up at a gig, do it, because band guys are used to that, but don't expect it to end in a serious relationship because he's too distracted.

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They're not really unanimous. I told her if she wants to show up at a gig, do it, because band guys are used to that, but don't expect it to end in a serious relationship because he's too distracted.

 

Unanimous as in nothing positive will come from it.

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