Should I Proceed with this Woman? If so, how?

[dcarney]

So there's this woman that I met through work. She's pretty and we have mutual friends.

 

Here's what happened:

 

We would talk every now and then so I thought I'd ask her out to lunch. She accepted. It seemed to go well and we parted ways. We didn't talk for a few days. I waited up for her to ask her out at the end of our work day and asked her out to a wine and paint place for the following Saturday. She shot me down (I was a bit surprised to be honest). She told me that she wanted to hang out in a group first and that she was going out of town that weekend.

 

Well lo and behold, we have mutual friends. One of our friends invited me to a bonfire in our town. I went and she was there. Honestly, can't say I was surprised, but I was a little peeved. She tried to nonchalantly talk to me all night. I talked with her, but mostly brushed her off.

 

Obviously, at this point, I assumed not just disinterest, but blatant disrespect. So I left her alone. Since then, she's been emailing me and asking me to lunch. She gave me her cell number and work number (without me asking). And she texts me every now and then, although I've been mostly brushing her off.

 

We have had some group outings (invited by mutual friends) and I've found that she's very indecisive, which makes me think that if I go for her hard enough, I'll probably get her, but I'm not sure if I want to.

 

She is a professional and we have similar values (based on our discussions) so I'm concerned that I might regret not going after her.

 

Also, there were other things here and there that she said that I may be misinterpreting. For example, when we were out together with another friend, she said to our friend that he should bring his girlfriend out there so that "we can double date". I initially thought that she was insinuating that she was dating someone else, but a friend that I spoke to about it said that she may have been referring to me and her.

 

Either way, I'm making the decision tonight whether or not to pursue her and I'm going to stick with it.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on the situation?

[Ami1uwant]

dont know your ages. Im guessing early 20s because she mentioned of wanting to socialize as a group beforr having a date with you.

 

It sounds to me she was on the fence on dating you. dating someone you work with is more complicated than just dating someone. some refuse to date a coworkers while others draw limits like not dating someone they regularly work with but will date someone they occasionally see at work.

 

ASk yourself this ...if this is a success how will it be at work and what is the employer policy on dating. If it doesnt work out how will it affect things especially since you seem to have common work friends.

[dcarney]

dont know your ages. Im guessing early 20s because she mentioned of wanting to socialize as a group beforr having a date with you.

 

I'm in my late 20s, she's mid-20s.

 

It sounds to me she was on the fence on dating you. dating someone you work with is more complicated than just dating someone. some refuse to date a coworkers while others draw limits like not dating someone they regularly work with but will date someone they occasionally see at work.

 

Yeah, that's my feeling too. She's on the fence about me and if I'm really interested, I might be able to get her.

 

ASk yourself this ...if this is a success how will it be at work and what is the employer policy on dating. If it doesnt work out how will it affect things especially since you seem to have common work friends.

 

Our work situation is somewhat complicated. We're both in supervisory positions. We don't work directly with each other for the most part, but we do collaborate at times.

 

Since we are at the same general level (supervisory, but not executive), it's acceptable as far as our employer goes. However, I agree with you that it's not an ideal situation.

[Smoothman]

So there's this woman that I met through work. She's pretty and we have mutual friends.

 

Here's what happened:

 

We would talk every now and then so I thought I'd ask her out to lunch. She accepted. It seemed to go well and we parted ways. We didn't talk for a few days. I waited up for her to ask her out at the end of our work day and asked her out to a wine and paint place for the following Saturday. She shot me down (I was a bit surprised to be honest). She told me that she wanted to hang out in a group first and that she was going out of town that weekend.

 

Well lo and behold, we have mutual friends. One of our friends invited me to a bonfire in our town. I went and she was there. Honestly, can't say I was surprised, but I was a little peeved. She tried to nonchalantly talk to me all night. I talked with her, but mostly brushed her off.

 

Obviously, at this point, I assumed not just disinterest, but blatant disrespect. So I left her alone. Since then, she's been emailing me and asking me to lunch. She gave me her cell number and work number (without me asking). And she texts me every now and then, although I've been mostly brushing her off.

 

We have had some group outings (invited by mutual friends) and I've found that she's very indecisive, which makes me think that if I go for her hard enough, I'll probably get her, but I'm not sure if I want to.

 

She is a professional and we have similar values (based on our discussions) so I'm concerned that I might regret not going after her.

 

Also, there were other things here and there that she said that I may be misinterpreting. For example, when we were out together with another friend, she said to our friend that he should bring his girlfriend out there so that "we can double date". I initially thought that she was insinuating that she was dating someone else, but a friend that I spoke to about it said that she may have been referring to me and her.

 

Either way, I'm making the decision tonight whether or not to pursue her and I'm going to stick with it.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on the situation?

What on EARTH has this woman done to deserve your attitude?

Told you she was out of town to avoid a date?

That's IT?

Then she felt bad and tried to make it up, because you went all sulky on her.

Man, just relax, go out with her.

[dcarney]

What on EARTH has this woman done to deserve your attitude?

 

Huh? What attitude?

 

Told you she was out of town to avoid a date?

That's IT?

 

Well, I mean this is a pretty big sign of disinterest, wouldn't you say? As a previous poster mentioned, I work with this girl. So I have to tread lightly.

 

Then she felt bad and tried to make it up, because you went all sulky on her.

Man, just relax, go out with her.

 

I didn't get "sulky". I'm just not sure what her intentions are. It appears that it's clear cut to you, but not to me. I can't tell if she's interested or just playing games.

[Smoothman]

Huh? What attitude?

 

Well, I mean this is a pretty big sign of disinterest, wouldn't you say? As a previous poster mentioned, I work with this girl. So I have to tread lightly.

 

I didn't get "sulky". I'm just not sure what her intentions are. It appears that it's clear cut to you, but not to me. I can't tell if she's interested or just playing games.

 

"Honestly, can't say I was surprised, but I was a little peeved. She tried to nonchalantly talk to me all night. I talked with her, but mostly brushed her off.

 

Obviously, at this point, I assumed not just disinterest, but blatant disrespect"

 

THAT attitude, that's sulky.

[dcarney]

"Honestly, can't say I was surprised, but I was a little peeved. She tried to nonchalantly talk to me all night. I talked with her, but mostly brushed her off.

 

Obviously, at this point, I assumed not just disinterest, but blatant disrespect"

 

THAT attitude, that's sulky.

 

How should I have felt?

 

"I asked her out and she shot me down AND lied to me. SCORE! I'M IN!!"

 

[Buddhist]

'Eww! No way!' is shooting you down. 'Lets go on a group date first' is offering you an option without rejection. I think you're taking things to extremes here. In any case you sound really huffy about her not jumping on your love boat at the first opportunity. I suspect the only reason you're even considering 'proceeding' is because you want to win some kind of victory for your bruised ego. The opening post sounds a bit HM to be honest.

[ChatroomHero]

Look at it like this; you know she did not have plans before you asked. If she had already planned to go to the bonfire, she would have said I have a party to go to with some friends or she already had plans, not "I'm going out of town".

 

 

 

 

 

 

With nothing planned, she lied to make sure she left you no possible opening to work around anything she had planned. Going out of town blocks the whole weekend...saying she had plans Saturday night leaves you an opportunity Saturday during the day or Sunday. She wanted to shut down any possibility.

No doubt she will like the attention of you after her, maybe buying her drinks, probably paying for her lunch, maybe being a fill-in on a double date etc., but all of that is with a group or in a non-romantic situation...despite knowing you probably fairly well from work, she does not want to be alone with you. Why? Because being alone with you gives you an opportunity for romance. She is pre-empting any romantic attempt you might consider making. I wouldn't spend too much time chasing someone that despite knowing me from work, has no interest in spending personal time alone with me.

[Miss Peach]

If she's mid-20s, could she have thought it was two coworkers going out for lunch instead of you being interested? When I was younger I naively thought men just were nice; not interested in me.

 

FWIW, even if I really liked a guy at work, I would be really hesitant to date him. I would probably be like her and want to get to know you first before jumping in and risking it get messy.

[dcarney]

'Eww! No way!' is shooting you down. 'Lets go on a group date first' is offering you an option without rejection. I think you're taking things to extremes here. In any case you sound really huffy about her not jumping on your love boat at the first opportunity. I suspect the only reason you're even considering 'proceeding' is because you want to win some kind of victory for your bruised ego. The opening post sounds a bit HM to be honest.

 

I'm not sure what "HM" means, but I see your point. What I was thinking at the time was that she was just being polite so as not to make things awkward in the future. I thought that it was a pretty clean rejection. Her behavior after that is what has been confusing to me.

 

Look at it like this; you know she did not have plans before you asked. If she had already planned to go to the bonfire, she would have said I have a party to go to with some friends or she already had plans, not "I'm going out of town".

 

 

 

 

 

 

With nothing planned, she lied to make sure she left you no possible opening to work around anything she had planned. Going out of town blocks the whole weekend...saying she had plans Saturday night leaves you an opportunity Saturday during the day or Sunday. She wanted to shut down any possibility.

No doubt she will like the attention of you after her, maybe buying her drinks, probably paying for her lunch, maybe being a fill-in on a double date etc., but all of that is with a group or in a non-romantic situation...despite knowing you probably fairly well from work, she does not want to be alone with you. Why? Because being alone with you gives you an opportunity for romance. She is pre-empting any romantic attempt you might consider making. I wouldn't spend too much time chasing someone that despite knowing me from work, has no interest in spending personal time alone with me.

 

Well, we don't know each other at all really. I know practically nothing about her. As I said, we don't work closely together, albeit collaborating professionally maybe once a month.

 

But I agree. This is what I've been thinking about the whole situation: if she was truly interested, she would have jumped at the chance to go out with me.

 

If she's mid-20s, could she have thought it was two coworkers going out for lunch instead of you being interested? When I was younger I naively thought men just were nice; not interested in me.

 

FWIW, even if I really liked a guy at work, I would be really hesitant to date him. I would probably be like her and want to get to know you first before jumping in and risking it get messy.

 

Yeah maybe. And I've had situations in the past where a woman initially turned me down before seemingly thinking about it a bit and becoming interested.

 

It's possible that my advance surprised her. Then, after thinking about it, she changed her mind.

[dumbass2]

I would try to go back to it being just someone you know at work. Do not pursue romantically. Keep your expectations in check (in other words, at this point, don't have any other than co-worker friendly). The fact that you do have to collaborate at work would tell me that you should tread lightly and avoid getting into a situation where romantic emotions become involved. I went there once in a similar management situation and it got real awkward when things didn't work out. Just my 2 cents.

[preraph]

She did lie about going out of town, but maybe she only did it because she didn't want to dump going to the bonfire and change plans to be with you, so she just said she'd be out of town, but wasn't. It's a white lie.

 

She's been contacting you since then, so I think you should ask her on a real date, so there's no mistaking it's a real one-on-one date and see if she will go or not. If not, blow her off. But I feel the bonfire was "group setting" enough. She either wants to be alone with you or she doesn't. She sounds interested but also hesitant. So try to remember that a date is not a marriage proposal and don't make it seem like one. Keep it light and fun and NO serious relationship talk unless she brings it up.