Boyfriend clubbing without me...

[SexyPenguin]

Hey guys,

I have never posted on anything like this before but am so confused and frustrated I needed to get it out!

 

I have been with my boyfriend almost a year now and I absolutely adore him, still as mad about him as ever! However there is one thing really getting to me.

 

He will only ever go to a nightclub without me. We live about an hour and a half apart so what we generally do is stay a weekend at one anothers houses (Fri-Sun depending on work!) and it is not an issue. We text or call during the week as we are both working its natural. We have discussed me moving down to him next year. We have met eachother's friends and family so all of that is above board.

 

I get on great with his friends and some of them are in relationships too so its all very relaxed and easy going. However, he refuses to let me go on a night out with him, ever. He insists that he just doesnt feel comfortable in a nightclub/dance bar with his girlfriend there and that he wants it to be something we do seperately. Firstly I have no interest in going clubbing without him as I drink very little and go for the fun and dancing! He was a "Lad" before we met. Pulling girls every weekend, drinking to get drunk. His stories of nights out with his friends involve jaegarbombs and fingering random girls. I do like to think he has matured a bit from that

 

However, he still goes out whenever I am not around. When I am down in his on a weekend and his friends and their girlfriends are going out he always says we cant go or warns me not to meet them "too dressed up" in case he cant get out of bringing me (as if it would be a disaster!).

 

Whenever he has a night I am not around though he goes out and he gets trashed and drunk beyond belief and then does stupid things like drive home. He will refuse to disclose where he went or with whom, even though I have never made an issue of it! My main upset is that he obviously does stuff while out that he wouldnt want me seeing!

 

I am not controlling, he has his guys nights and I am very supportive of a lot him. Communication is generally good between us but whenever I ask about this (timidly at this stage!) I am met with an agressive defensive position which is unwarranted.

 

Last night was another such night and today he was late for work and is snarky and hungover. I am being very sympathetic as much to avoid any aggro but he is looking for a row and I dont know why. Keeps reminding me how drunk he was, that he drove home, he was dancing with some other girl, etc. He also has no problem getting dressed up for these gf free nights out anf refuses to so much as put on jeans and a shirt for a meal with me!

 

I know this may sound ridiculous to be fretting over but my gut feeling is really off on this behavior and I would love someone male or female to try explain what this might be! I am naturally thinking the worst, that hes ashamed of me or something!

 

This is very long and rambly so if I need to clarify something let me know!

 

PS. He has a history of cheating on his exes drunkenly, probably for some cheap ego boost so I am naturally paranoid though I do like to think he has matured and cares for me enough to not do that!

Edited September 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[Zahara]

He's not ashamed of you. He's just doing stuff at the club that he doesn't want you to see. And you know what stuff.

 

Why are you with this turd? He sounds like an immature tool who disrespects you. I mean, he's telling you about the girl he was dancing with at the bar and who knows what else he does there and you're sitting there tolerating this crap?

 

You do like to think he has matured - uh, are you awake?

[VeveCakes]

Sorry, you are the secret weekend girlfriend and nothing more.

 

What on earth is attractive about a guy going out and getting hammered every chance he gets.

 

He will NEVER go out with you? Red flags are waving so hard in your face Im surprised they haven't knocked you out.

 

Dump this loser.

[preraph]

Well, I have no problem with someone going out with the guys once in awhile. But as you said, he was quite the lad before -- and the fact he's adamant about continuing to go out without you and it doesn't seem to have much to do with just a boys' night out tell me he is still pulling girls. It startles me he's so open about it. He must think you truly do not have a brain in your head or a spine in your back to just go along with this. I think you should start going out by yourself or with friends and refuse to let him come and see how he likes it.

[GunslingerRoland]

There is something clearly wrong... all of the other girlfriends get to go but you?

 

Also what do you mean he won't put on shirt and a jeans for dinner with you, does he take you out in sweat pants? lol

[Ami1uwant]

How often does he go clubbing?? Is this by himself or guys night out???

 

Sure he could use clubbing to cover his dating other people looking f9r someone closer yo him distance-wise

[kendahke]

He was a "Lad" before we met. Pulling girls every weekend, drinking to get drunk.

 

Sweetie, he's a lad now. Nothing has changed.

 

Either you're cool with a boyfriend who does this or you're not and you find someone else you don't have to babysit. Makes no sense to stay someone who is doing something you can't abide. They aren't obligated to change for you. If they do, that's nice. If they don't, then it's you who has to decide on doing the changing.

[SexyPenguin]

You know when you don't want to believe something you are afraid of? Thats sort of how I feel at the moment.

Is there any way it is just going out and getting drunk and not wanting me to witness said drunken behavior? Or am I literally scraping the barrel?

Someone asked if its him alone or lads, and it is lads nights out. He isnt alone and I can confirm that. They are guys I've met too. And yes, there has been nights when the other girlfriends have went and we have not for the sole reason he didnt want us to go clubbing as a couple which trust me I found as illogical as it sounds.

Do I just mean nothing, surely to god after a year and meeting respective families and making holiday plans and all I mean a bit more than just being a weekend girlfriend??

Maybe I am totally spineless ?

Thank you guys for the replies so far, hurting a little atm...

[SexyPenguin]

There is something clearly wrong... all of the other girlfriends get to go but you?

 

Also what do you mean he won't put on shirt and a jeans for dinner with you, does he take you out in sweat pants? lol

 

Yes to the sweatpants... *rolls eyes* ??

[smackie9]

This would be a deal breaker for me. I don't think there is anything wrong with a boys night out BUT he has a drinking problem. You don't have to be sh*&^ered everyday to be an problem drinker. It's when he drinks, he is out of control, and dangerous to himself and others. Drinking and driving....shame on him. I wouldn't invest anymore in this relationship because it's heading down a slippery slope already.

 

It's only been a year, and he is starting up old behaviors and getting lazy......red flag.

[Zahara]

You know when you don't want to believe something you are afraid of? Thats sort of how I feel at the moment.

Is there any way it is just going out and getting drunk and not wanting me to witness said drunken behavior? Or am I literally scraping the barrel?

Someone asked if its him alone or lads, and it is lads nights out. He isnt alone and I can confirm that. They are guys I've met too. And yes, there has been nights when the other girlfriends have went and we have not for the sole reason he didnt want us to go clubbing as a couple which trust me I found as illogical as it sounds.

Do I just mean nothing, surely to god after a year and meeting respective families and making holiday plans and all I mean a bit more than just being a weekend girlfriend??

Maybe I am totally spineless ?

Thank you guys for the replies so far, hurting a little atm...

 

Scraping the barrel. Veve said it -- you're the security blanket at home. He gets to go out there and act the fool and come home to the nice girl that gives him sex, attention, etc. Great deal.

 

And yes, I was with my ex for over 2 years. Met families. Talked about marriage. Vacations. He was cheating on me all the while. The thing is, this turd is showing you who he is in full view and even telling you what he does. You know your reality, you're choosing to avoid because facing would be too painful and it would force you to make that decision. Being in denial seems the safer route.

[SexyPenguin]

Is he "unfixable"?

 

Like I am very serious about this guy. The idea of breaking up with him and giving up on him is very very hard for me. I'd want to be so sure... if these nights out were a once a month occurance could I work through it?

 

Equally I can see the whole slippery slope side of it.. he's 26 - he either knows how to act in a relationship or he doesn't and I would hate to see it spiralling out of control.

 

In saying all that I do believe he loves me. Even if he is a f**king idiot when left alone with alcohol.

[SexyPenguin]

Scraping the barrel. Veve said it -- you're the security blanket at home. He gets to go out there and act the fool and come home to the nice girl that gives him sex, attention, etc. Great deal.

 

And yes, I was with my ex for over 2 years. Met families. Talked about marriage. Vacations. He was cheating on me all the while. The thing is, this turd is showing you who he is in full view and even telling you what he does. You know your reality, you're choosing to avoid because facing would be too painful and it would force you to make that decision. Being in denial seems the safer route.

 

Joys of being the nice girl.

 

Maybe I am in total denial. Head spinning right now. Appreciate your honestly though Zahara.

[RaiderII]

So:

 

a) He won't let you go out with him and his friends, even when their girlfriends go too, ever.

b) He has a history of getting wasted, having casual sexual encounters with girls and drinking to get drunk.

c) He REMINDS YOU that he got drunk, danced with a random girl, drove home drunk.

d) He drink drives. He literally gets drunk and then drives a car, seemingly unconcerned with the fact that he might kill an innocent person, or himself.

e) If you try broach this with him, he gets defensive.

f) He used to cheat on his exes.

 

Literally can't understand what you're still doing with this chump. Occasional nights out with the lads, fine, as long as he behaves respectfully and as though he's in a relationship while he's out (i.e. I'd go out with friends drinking and clubbing on occasion, literally once in a while, but I sure wouldn't be dancing with people of the opposite sex and leading them on). But all of the above? There are no words.

 

You're thinking the worst case scenario is he's ashamed of you... hun, that's the best case scenario here. I would bet money he's going out, getting wasted, pulling girls, maybe taking them back to his, and the reason he doesn't want you out with him is he knows full well that women in the club he's got recent history with will say something, or his friends or their girlfriends will say something... or he doesn't want to ruin his 'free and single' image. There's no decent explanation aside from this.

 

Also you tolerate that he will get dressed up nice to go to the clubs acting single but not put a shirt on to take his girlfriend out to dinner? You're acting like a doormat and he'll continue to treat you like one until you put your foot down about this behaviour or walk. And do you really want to have to be the one to police his behaviour and request he acts like a committed partner? The truth is, he has a girlfriend of almost a year but still wants to act and appear single. That says so much about his character and personality. Not good boyfriend material, you're being made a mockery of.

[Zahara]

Is he "unfixable"?

 

Like I am very serious about this guy. The idea of breaking up with him and giving up on him is very very hard for me. I'd want to be so sure... if these nights out were a once a month occurance could I work through it?

 

Equally I can see the whole slippery slope side of it.. he's 26 - he either knows how to act in a relationship or he doesn't and I would hate to see it spiralling out of control.

 

In saying all that I do believe he loves me. Even if he is a f**king idiot when left alone with alcohol.

 

You don't get into relationships to fix people. If you are sitting there trying to fix someone, it speaks highly of your own mindset.

 

You're serious about a guy that can't even put pants on to take you out. He's not an idiot only when he drinks. He treats you poorly just as he's leaving you at home when he's cold sober, dressing for the ladies and getting ready to hit the town.

 

You need to work on your self-esteem. You clearly believe you deserve very little in terms of what a loving and nurturing relationship should entail.

[Zahara]

Joys of being the nice girl.

 

Maybe I am in total denial. Head spinning right now. Appreciate your honestly though Zahara.

 

There's nice girl but a nice girl that has healthy boundaries and self-respect. Then there is nice girl who is a doormat.

 

I was the latter for a long time. But that can change if you choose to make better decisions for yourself.

[SexyPenguin]

Aaaaarrrgghhh!

 

Feel like an idiot. Probably am an idiot. Still love him. No point lying I do love him and I am trying to find any way to rectify this without losing him.

 

Equally annoyed at myself for being so pathetic. He is so so good in other ways. This is way too big to overlook though and sensible me is well, well aware of that.

[introverted1]

Aaaaarrrgghhh!

 

Feel like an idiot. Probably am an idiot. Still love him. No point lying I do love him and I am trying to find any way to rectify this without losing him.

 

Equally annoyed at myself for being so pathetic. He is so so good in other ways. This is way too big to overlook though and sensible me is well, well aware of that.

 

I'm not going to beat the dead horse that this guy is a chump.

 

What I want to know/challenge is: What makes you think you love him? What are the qualities you love about him? Can you name 5 things about him that you love?

[Zahara]

Aaaaarrrgghhh!

 

Feel like an idiot. Probably am an idiot. Still love him. No point lying I do love him and I am trying to find any way to rectify this without losing him.

 

Equally annoyed at myself for being so pathetic. He is so so good in other ways. This is way too big to overlook though and sensible me is well, well aware of that.

 

When people write about how great their partner is and then write a whole post about their crappy behavior, chances are most of it is a romanticized version of what you've built in your head.

 

It's normal that you're emotionally attached to him but "love" isn't enough nor does it justify being treated badly. You don't rectify someone. Best to rectify yourself and work on figuring out why you've been tolerating this BS.

[SexyPenguin]

We are flying to Portugal for a week on Sunday together alone. Will let that week be a test run... when we get back after will make my decision.

 

Naive as it maybe I do love him enough to stick around and give him a chance if he pulls his socks up...

 

My biggest failing is feeling lucky to have him and forgetting that he should feel lucky to have me too! You are a nice bunch loveshack people...

[Redhead14]

Hey guys,

I have never posted on anything like this before but am so confused and frustrated I needed to get it out!

I have been with my boyfriend almost a year now and I absolutely adore him, still as mad about him as ever! However there is one thing really getting to me.

He will only ever go to a nightclub without me. We live about an hour and a half apart so what we generally do is stay a weekend at one anothers houses (Fri-Sun depending on work!) and it is not an issue. We text or call during the week as we are both working its natural. We have discussed me moving down to him next year. We have met eachother's friends and family so all of that is above board.

I get on great with his friends and some of them are in relationships too so its all very relaxed and easy going. However, he refuses to let me go on a night out with him, ever. He insists that he just doesnt feel comfortable in a nightclub/dance bar with his girlfriend there and that he wants it to be something we do seperately. Firstly I have no interest in going clubbing without him as I drink very little and go for the fun and dancing! He was a "Lad" before we met. Pulling girls every weekend, drinking to get drunk. His stories of nights out with his friends involve jaegarbombs and fingering random girls. I do like to think he has matured a bit from that ??

However, he still goes out whenever I am not around. When I am down in his on a weekend and his friends and their girlfriends are going out he always says we cant go or warns me not to meet them "too dressed up" in case he cant get out of bringing me (as if it would be a disaster!).

Whenever he has a night I am not around though he goes out and he gets trashed and drunk beyond belief and then does stupid things like drive home. He will refuse to disclose where he went or with whom, even though I have never made an issue of it! My main upset is that he obviously does stuff while out that he wouldnt want me seeing!

I am not controlling, he has his guys nights and I am very supportive of a lot him. Communication is generally good between us but whenever I ask about this (timidly at this stage!) I am met with an agressive defensive position which is unwarranted.

Last night was another such night and today he was late for work and is snarky and hungover. I am being very sympathetic as much to avoid any aggro but he is looking for a row and I dont know why. Keeps reminding me how drunk he was, that he drove home, he was dancing with some other girl, etc. He also has no problem getting dressed up for these gf free nights out anf refuses to so much as put on jeans and a shirt for a meal with me!

I know this may sound ridiculous to be fretting over but my gut feeling is really off on this behavior and I would love someone male or female to try explain what this might be! I am naturally thinking the worst, that hes ashamed of me or something!

This is very long and rambly so if I need to clarify something let me know!

PS. He has a history of cheating on his exes drunkenly, probably for some cheap ego boost so I am naturally paranoid though I do like to think he has matured and cares for me enough to not do that!

 

He has a history of cheating on his exes drunkenly, probably for some cheap ego boost -- The best predictor of future behavior is . . . past behavior. Now you know why there are "EXES" . . . be one of them. This is a big red flag.

 

I do like to think he has matured a bit -- You can tell yourself anything you like . . . it doesn't mean it's true. He hasn't changed . . . he's still going to clubs and getting drunk and continuing his history of cheating on his exes drunkenly. His stories of nights out with his friends involve jaegarbombs and fingering random girls.

 

He doesn't want you there for a reason -- it will cramp his "style".

[sooshi]

We are flying to Portugal for a week on Sunday together alone. Will let that week be a test run... when we get back after will make my decision.

 

Naive as it maybe I do love him enough to stick around and give him a chance if he pulls his socks up...

 

You don't love yourself enough.

[SexyPenguin]

1) He is hugely attractive. He is smart, funny, good looking and a good conversationalist. We have similar interests and a year on I still look forward to his pulling into my drive.

2) He has been very understanding and caring. I was in hospital for a while and he drove over an hour after work a few evenings a week to visit me.

3) I do believe he is genuinely a nice guy. I agree the drinking is a problem that HAS to be rectified but I have seen him play ball with my younger brother, pay his parents health insurance and pick up friends when their car breaks down at 12.30am.

4) He loves me. He comes in the door on a Friday evening and picks me up and kisses me and he genuinely seems glad to see me. Sounds silly maybe but I am counting it.

5) He has said he shares the same aims as me. He is saving for a mortgage (as am I), is going back to college part time, he openly says he sees himself married with kids en route in around five years time. Maybe its all BS but its relevant to a serious relationship.

 

There are things, he doesnt put too much emphasis anymore on dressing up or taking me out places but maybe thats just growing lazy a year in. I do love the man, and if I could see some sense or find some understanding around this whole clubbing and going dancing without your girl and if he could rein in the drinking I wouldn't give up on him in a hurry.

[SexyPenguin]

You don't love yourself enough.

 

Maybe sooshi... I won't deny it!

[elaine567]

He was a "Lad" before we met. Pulling girls every weekend, drinking to get drunk. His stories of nights out with his friends involve jaegarbombs and fingering random girls. I do like to think he has matured a bit from that ??

PS. He has a history of cheating on his exes drunkenly, probably for some cheap ego boost so I am naturally paranoid though I do like to think he has matured and cares for me enough to not do that!

 

And why on earth would you think that?

He was a "Lad" when you met and he still being a "Lad".

Why else would he refuse to let you go to a nightclub with him?

He isn't ashamed of you, it is just that you would cramp his style.

He can't get any "ladies" interested, whilst you are hanging onto his arm can he?

 

Forget about trying to change anyone, they rarely change. He was a cheating drunk when you met him, he is still a cheating drunk I wager.

Do you really want to sit at home with your new baby, whist your man is out in clubs "fingering" other women?

This man is NOT "relationship material" in any shape or form.

Get rid.