Taking time off of dating

[Lorenza]

Hi guys,

 

I wonder what you're all thinking about my decision to take an indefinite time off of dating and OLD.

 

In the past, I was sworn to a very common philosophy among my countrymen: get cured by the thing that made you sick. It's often applied to people's love life - if someone broke your heart or if a relationship didn't work out, the best way to fix everything is to start seeing new people immediately.

 

So that's what I used to do - signing on to a dating site barely a few days after a breakup, talking to guys, going on dates and geting involved into a new relationship shortly after. No downtime, no taking a break for myself - just gliding over into a new nest. And it has never even felt like a rebound or something shallow from my side - I would start having genuine feelings right away.

It's like I was always thirsting to love and be loved asap.

 

Same thing happened this time - I am now single and everyone's pressuring me into getting involved in online dating again. Literally everyone close to me is asking if I'm planning any dates yet. I did log into tinder days after ending things with my ex, but have now deleted it, much to everyone's disappointment.

 

The thing is, I'm not sure if this is the right approach anymore. This time I don't want to heal by falling in love again, even thought it worked miracles in the past. I want to heal on my own and only then start meeting someone new.

 

Maybe this way I will be able to make more accurate decisions, without rushing into the flame, just to experience love and warmth again. I got involved with wrong people this way in the past. Yes, I did like them a lot and developed strong feelings, but I didn't stop and evaluate all the obvious incompatibilities that were visible from the very beginning.

 

So I've decided to not even log on to any dating sites until 2017 or longer. I know it will be hard because I long for cuddles, affection and having a boyfriend already! And I work a loooot (have got 2 more jobs in addition the one I already had), barely have time left for any kind of hobbies or social life so it's pretty tempting to log in to tinder and talk to someone while lying in my bed exhausted after a whole weekend of night shifts, dreaming about being cuddled up by someone I like.

 

But I don't want to waste anyone's time and clearly need to be alone for a while.

 

Any opinions/advice?

[LookAtThisPOst]

Good post, Lorenza...glad you're coping with it the way you can. I have noticed that the ONLINE dating realm has been inundated with people just getting over a break up.

 

Why?

 

Because the Internet makes it for easy access as some kind of coping mechanism for someone who is already reeling. They dont't give much thought into the person on the other end who is legitimately looking for something REAL...but winds up being flaked, pen-pals, or cat-fished on by these people who signed onto a dating site just shortly after their break-up.

 

Some even wind up getting back together with their ex they JUST broke up with...so I've heard stories from that as well.

 

So basically they use online dating as a crutch or coping mechanism to get their ego stroked...as some kind of instant gratification thing.

 

Good on you through for taking a legitimate break and not using dating sites as some form of therapy.

 

 

So I've decided to not even log on to any dating sites until 2017 or longer. I know it will be hard because I long for cuddles, affection and having a boyfriend already! And I work a loooot (have got 2 more jobs in addition the one I already had), barely have time left for any kind of hobbies or social life so it's pretty tempting to log in to tinder and talk to someone while lying in my bed exhausted after a whole weekend of night shifts, dreaming about being cuddled up by someone I like.

?

 

You may want to pursue a social life though as a means of getting away from behind the cyberworld. Creating HUMAN connections in real life trumps that.

Edited September 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge posts and redact quote of starting post

[stillafool]

I agree that a break from dating will do you good. Good thing you are super busy as this will help.

[Lorenza]

Good post, Lorenza...glad you're coping with it the way you can. I have noticed that the ONLINE dating realm has been inundated with people just getting over a break up.

 

Why?

 

Because the Internet makes it for easy access as some kind of coping mechanism for someone who is already reeling. They dont't give much thought into the person on the other end who is legitimately looking for something REAL...but winds up being flaked, pen-pals, or cat-fished on by these people who signed onto a dating site just shortly after their break-up.

 

Some even wind up getting back together with their ex they JUST broke up with...so I've heard stories from that as well.

 

So basically they use online dating as a crutch or coping mechanism to get their ego stroked...as some kind of instant gratification thing.

 

Good on you through for taking a legitimate break and not using dating sites as some form of therapy.

 

I agree. When I hastily created a profile on tinder (which is not just for hookups here in Scandinavia, many people are looking for serious things on it) just days after breaking up with my ex, I matched with and started talking to some really nice guys. What gave me a wake up call, is them asking how long I've been single. I realized how embarrassing it would be to admit I've only been single for a couple of days. And that I'm not really interested in getting to know any of them.

 

That really sounds like an ego stroke or just looking for a rebound.

 

That made me delete my profile immediately and think everything through.

 

It's best to let things fall to places... Getting over my ex, moving on, learning to be on my own - first, meeting someone - second.

 

Even though it's hard to be alone.

[Shining One]

Different people heal differently. I always advise that each person should try various things until they find what works best for them as an individual. I've tried taking breaks, jumping into a new relationship, having some ONS or flings, and various other things. I've found ONS followed by a short break works best for me. You need to figure out what works best for you.

[Lorenza]

You may want to pursue a social life though as a means of getting away from behind the cyberworld. Creating HUMAN connections in real life trumps that.

 

I wish I could. Have a circle of friends with a shared hobby. But I'm just too tired all the time. Every time I make new friends, I cancel on them until they stop inviting me.

 

Envy people who have great support system in their lives. Who needs dating when they can hang out with a couple of good friends. But I seriously never have the energy and sit at my piano instead.

[Lorenza]

Different people heal differently. I always advise that each person should try various things until they find what works best for them as an individual. I've tried taking breaks, jumping into a new relationship, having some ONS or flings, and various other things. I've found ONS followed by a short break works best for me. You need to figure out what works best for you.

 

Ah, I could never have ONS.

 

Hopefully taking a break will work. Cause jumping into a new relationship seems to end badly for me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I always thought the idea was to get back into healthy social situations (with friends, family) to help ease the pain or to help forget exes, broken relationships, not get right back to dating. I don't see that as productive at all. :-/

 

Anyway, taking some time off is a great idea!!! I'm doing so, or at least taking things MUCH more slowly and deliberately.

[Gaeta]

I support you 100%. Beside life is not only about being in a romantic relationship. At first we feel like we are missing out on something but after a few weeks you will start seeing the benefits of single-hood. You need a challenge to concentrate on. The years I was single I invested in my family and friends and I am so glad I did this. Those are the relationships we need to cherish first. I gave myself some challenges with work, health, social activities and all. Soon I noticed it had been 7 years since I had a relationship lol. Well just shows life is not all about being with a man ;-)

[Lorenza]

I support you 100%. Beside life is not only about being in a romantic relationship. At first we feel like we are missing out on something but after a few weeks you will start seeing the benefits of single-hood. You need a challenge to concentrate on. The years I was single I invested in my family and friends and I am so glad I did this. Those are the relationships we need to cherish first. I gave myself some challenges with work, health, social activities and all. Soon I noticed it had been 7 years since I had a relationship lol. Well just shows life is not all about being with a man ;-)

 

I agree, life is about other things too. Family, friends, ambitions, building up yourself. I'm also planning to invest into those things more now

 

A relationship always gave me a sense of belonging and security, the only way I'd feel "at home" was being cuddled up with a boyfriend or spending time together. It's the insecure immigrant in me. I have an immigrant friend who feels exactly the same and tolerated a very crappy relationship just because she doesn't dare to be on her own in this country.

 

But I wonder if I could actually make it without it for some time. Maybe not 7 years but at least half a year of a year. To put focus on other things. Maybe finally get into my dream education - I've failed the entrance exams 3 times because of my love life being too rocky!

 

So the challenge could be to finally get ready and get into that uni. Besides I just started teaching piano at a famous culture school. Soon it's time to organize a concert for both my private students and the ones at school.

 

It's just about learning that there are plenty of things that can provide happiness and fulfillment...

[Lorenza]

I wonder: how do people who choose to stay single for a longer while deal with intimacy cravings? Not necessarily sex, but just closeness, affection, hugs etc.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I wonder: how do people who choose to stay single for a longer while deal with intimacy cravings? Not necessarily sex, but just closeness, affection, hugs etc.

 

I am a very physical person, love touching, holding hands, kissing, SEX(!), etc. I keep myself busy, fit and in shape. It may sound funny, but I know that when I'm ready, I'll find someone to be close to soon enough, but, for me, it simply helps to keep myself in a form that I feel the next person will want, appreciate, require....and what I'd expect.

[stillafool]

I wish I could. Have a circle of friends with a shared hobby. But I'm just too tired all the time. Every time I make new friends, I cancel on them until they stop inviting me.

 

Envy people who have great support system in their lives. Who needs dating when they can hang out with a couple of good friends. But I seriously never have the energy and sit at my piano instead.

 

Why do you have energy to go on dates with men but no energy to meet up with friends? I think it would be healthy to make friends so you can get involved with something other than men.

[Shining One]

I wonder: how do people who choose to stay single for a longer while deal with intimacy cravings? Not necessarily sex, but just closeness, affection, hugs etc.

I have close friends who fill a lot of these roles.

[Satu]

Taking time out to be with yourself is one of the most productive things anyone can do.

 

 

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

 

- Paul Tillich.

[Lorenza]

Why do you have energy to go on dates with men but no energy to meet up with friends? I think it would be healthy to make friends so you can get involved with something other than men.

 

I'm not going on dates with men

 

Hmm. I have recently started 2 new jobs, maybe still haven't adjusted to the work load.

 

But even before, I admit that I would rather spend time either with a boyfriend or doing things related to my job.

 

Thing is, I'm a weird person. Either very social or completely anti-social, there has never been anything in between for me I like to spend time with family members or a romantic partner, but it's hard for me to spare time for friends, I really need to force myself to do that. I don't enjoy it a lot either. Like today I made plans with a girlfriend and was so happy when she cancelled due to something unexpected, so I could stay inside, read my book and continue learning Schubert's impromptu.

[Lorenza]

I have close friends who fill a lot of these roles.

 

Friends for hugs and snuggles?

[stillafool]

I'm not going on dates with men

 

Hmm. I have recently started 2 new jobs, maybe still haven't adjusted to the work load.

 

But even before, I admit that I would rather spend time either with a boyfriend or doing things related to my job.

 

Thing is, I'm a weird person. Either very social or completely anti-social, there has never been anything in between for me I like to spend time with family members or a romantic partner, but it's hard for me to spare time for friends, I really need to force myself to do that. I don't enjoy it a lot either. Like today I made plans with a girlfriend and was so happy when she cancelled due to something unexpected, so I could stay inside, read my book and continue learning Schubert's impromptu.

 

I understand. However, it isn't good to neglect your friendshiips because if you grow older and never marry, you will need your friends.

[Shining One]

Friends for hugs and snuggles?

Yes. Friends for sex too, but I've probably burned those bridges due to being in a 2+ year relationship. I have a friend I go drinking and dancing with a few times a year (my girlfriend hates dancing and my friend's fiancé hates dancing). We were never intimate, but we've been emotionally comforting to each other in between relationships.

[Lorenza]

Yes. Friends for sex too, but I've probably burned those bridges due to being in a 2+ year relationship. I have a friend I go drinking and dancing with a few times a year (my girlfriend hates dancing and my friend's fiancé hates dancing). We were never intimate, but we've been emotionally comforting to each other in between relationships.

 

Ok, interesting It sounds very alien to me, but I respect that people have different ways to fulfill their needs

[Lorenza]

I understand. However, it isn't good to neglect your friendshiips because if you grow older and never marry, you will need your friends.

 

Yes, I know

 

But I've been fighting and fighting with myself and my nature to no avail. If I put more effort into maintaining my friendships for a while (make more frequent plans, attend events, go out with them), I quickly burn out and want nothing to do with them for months. Sometimes I think that it should be ok to allow myself to be the way I am without faking and forcing, but other times I wish I had my Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda (what a lame example, but I do love SATC can't help it haha), especially after a breakup.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I wonder: how do people who choose to stay single for a longer while deal with intimacy cravings? Not necessarily sex, but just closeness, affection, hugs etc.

 

Believe it or not, I've known the most moral people to "cave" to at least one FWB situation to ease the craving for human contact.

[Dis]

Hi guys,

 

I wonder what you're all thinking about my decision to take an indefinite time off of dating and OLD.

 

In the past, I was sworn to a very common philosophy among my countrymen: get cured by the thing that made you sick. It's often applied to people's love life - if someone broke your heart or if a relationship didn't work out, the best way to fix everything is to start seeing new people immediately.

 

So that's what I used to do - signing on to a dating site barely a few days after a breakup, talking to guys, going on dates and geting involved into a new relationship shortly after. No downtime, no taking a break for myself - just gliding over into a new nest. And it has never even felt like a rebound or something shallow from my side - I would start having genuine feelings right away.

It's like I was always thirsting to love and be loved asap.

 

Same thing happened this time - I am now single and everyone's pressuring me into getting involved in online dating again. Literally everyone close to me is asking if I'm planning any dates yet. I did log into tinder days after ending things with my ex, but have now deleted it, much to everyone's disappointment.

 

The thing is, I'm not sure if this is the right approach anymore. This time I don't want to heal by falling in love again, even thought it worked miracles in the past. I want to heal on my own and only then start meeting someone new.

 

Maybe this way I will be able to make more accurate decisions, without rushing into the flame, just to experience love and warmth again. I got involved with wrong people this way in the past. Yes, I did like them a lot and developed strong feelings, but I didn't stop and evaluate all the obvious incompatibilities that were visible from the very beginning.

 

So I've decided to not even log on to any dating sites until 2017 or longer. I know it will be hard because I long for cuddles, affection and having a boyfriend already! And I work a loooot (have got 2 more jobs in addition the one I already had), barely have time left for any kind of hobbies or social life so it's pretty tempting to log in to tinder and talk to someone while lying in my bed exhausted after a whole weekend of night shifts, dreaming about being cuddled up by someone I like.

 

But I don't want to waste anyone's time and clearly need to be alone for a while.

 

Any opinions/advice?

 

Hi Lorenza!

 

It's funny, I really could've wrote this post...word for word

 

The past year I've jumped from relationship to relationship....got burned by a few...broke a couple hearts too. It never phased me...I just kept going and going

 

Like you, I was trying to fill that void. I crave love, affection and a bf too. I thrive in relationships....I live for them. But after all my failed relationships this past 12 months I realized I'm so burnt out I have nothing left to give and cant open myself up to recieve anything either

 

I think you answered your own question in your post. You know you need time to yourself...time to recharge your batteries. I was never devasted by any of the endings to my relationships...its not like I have a gapping wound to tend to....but after we jump around from guy to guy....its hard to see straight and make sound decisions (I made some bad choices in men too...ignored incompatibilities, red flags etc)

 

The problem is, its so tempting to jump back into OLD. I havent dated anyone in almost 2 months which is a year long record for me but yesterday when I was out with my gfs...I realized my match account was still active...so yup!...now I'm on it again! I'm convincing myself not to take it seriously....and judging by the selection of men....thats not too difficult lol

 

So listen to your gut girly....take a breather....decompress....clear your head. You know what to do....I've read your posts on here....you're a smart woman...its time to listen to yourself and take a break

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm curious to know how in the past jumping into new relationships has worked miracles for you and why you have decided to try a different approach now?

 

I've never tried jumping from one rel to the next always need time in between. Sure you miss the affection and intimacy but you learn to adapt. We are programmed to become habitual no matter what that habit/routine is. The key is to ride the painful part out, and then you eventually get used to your new state of contentment.

 

If you convince yourself you need to be with a man to feel good then you will seek that out and never feel content on your own.

[carhill]

IMO, as with most things in life, moderation. Get some alone time, rediscover ones self and self-love and contentment, balance with friends and family and then, if the mood strikes, head out into the dating world again.

 

Be aware that reproduction and human bonding surrounding it are powerful hard-wired chemistry in our brains so going off the stuff can be brutal, especially if your brain was formed with it from an early age, meaning social intimacy beyond your family of origin.

 

The other side is becoming too used to being alone. That can become a hard habit to break. I don't think it'll be a problem at your age, OP, but have noted it at my advanced age, remaining single and unattached after my D six years ago. The social drive goes away. Sure, life can be full of social stuff but that drive for one companion fades. Don't stay away too long. Good luck!