keeping in touch with ex

[susanl]

So who all out there has dated a divorced man with kids and still stays in touch with his ex. She treats him like dirt but because of the kids he wants to have some semblence of a relationship. So why do I hate it, after dating him a year and a half and knowing he loves me --but the four of them went out to dinner tonight because I was at home with my son --it bugs the hell out of me. I know she doesn't mean anything to him--but she treat him like dirt but he is still this wonderful guy to her----WHY????? And what happens when I marry him or move in with him after my son goes to college in august--do i just accept "family" nights without me or what?? Or am I just over reacting--please help!!!!

[Sckott]

Unfortunately, when you date a man with kids and has a friendship with the ex, it's very hard to get leverage. Even if you're case is absolutely understandable (and it is!), you have to realize that you should never be between the ex, the guy and his kids. In making an issue with his ex, that's what you do. It creates a lot of stress. He STILL has to talk to her, you don't want him to be nice to her and this whole thing has a history no matter if it's bad.

 

You can talk to him about it, but this DOES create tension in this twisted family. Do you want that? It falls back on you. I agree these dynamics are just not healthy. She's gonna rack his head like a pool table, you're going to be upset about this, right?

 

Just make sure you're making the right decisions.... Be very careful!

[susanl]

I understand what you are saying about not getting between him and his ex--but I just don't understand how at one point he can be so upset by her and her actions with the kids and how she makes him feel and then the next minute he wants to be the "nice" guy and do something as a family. I love his kids dearly and I know as does he that she is always going to be there mom --whether or not she acts like one--but back to my original question--will this continue once we are married? do I just sit back and say what the hell it is just a dinner? if I were to go she won't go so obviously me offering that the 5 of us go out is out of the question--so I am back to square one--I guess it is just better not to worry about it and what will be will be BUT---------god I wish life were easy and fun all the time.

[innerconflict]

I am also with a man who shares a five year old son from a previous relationship. This woman is pretty messed up. One day she is nice, the next a total b***h. She will argue with my bf over petty things...plain craziness. I rather not be in the same room with her but I have to accept the situation if I want to continue with my bf. His son and I get along so well, he calls me his best friend.

 

I know there will be situations when it will just be my bf, his ex, and their son together. Will it bother me? For sure, but that is my own insecurity talking. Something that can be controlled. It would be a different story if the ex tried to be nasty directly to me. There is only so much I can put up with and my bf knows that. I am lucky that we are able to talk about things.

 

I know it is going to take time before his ex and I are able to have some sort of relationship for the sake of his son. I love his son to death and I am sure the feeling is mutual. So I always try to be cordial when it comes to her, I always try to remember the child before reacting to anything.

[Sckott]

Imagine someone else is in this problem. It's very hard to imagine someone happy in a relationship where the ex is stepping over emotional boundaries like this. Sure, that's the mom of the kids, the dad has to put up with his half of the deal. They both, after kind consideration of the kids, need to have a normal life. HE cannot have a normal life with anyone if she's playing the witch.

 

So sure, he needs to assert himself in this set of dynamics, but maybe that's not what he wants to do? I'd sit him down and ask him seriously what makes him do those things. If he's denying getting all put down and stepped on, this is only going to harm the relationship and things with you - or with anyone else for that matter. Business is business and when you're still being buggered emotionally, you need to stick up for yourself. If you cannot, that makes relationships fall apart. I don't know ONE woman who would call that attractive.

 

If I was in a relationship with someone and the dad got in her face occasionally, I would get totally upset. Might even want to slug him. However, I'm not there to get in the middle of what seems to be unresolved conflict (and possibly personal problems on both sides). These are relationship killers.

 

And when I said be careful, be careful with yourself. This could be a cavern of conflict with no end in sight. Make real decisions. Those are not your kids....That's the hardest thing to deal with continually....

[susanl]

Wow talk about some people that understand a situation or are in the same situation. Thanks for all the advice. And yes I agree, there will be times in the future that his ex and I and the kids will be together or at least I hope. I have offered over and over again but she will have nothing to do with me--I guess her problem. You are right it is my insecurity that I have to get over. Funny that's exactly what I was feeling last night, then I got mad and then tried to get over it. This morning he calls and says he loves me wants to see me--etc--he is such a kind and wonderful man I need to understand that this is his ex--he doesn't love her , but she is their mother and if I don't make it into a problem then maybe he will understand that she is the problem when it comes to us all trying to do something.

 

Thanks again for everything and I guess a little compasion and understanding on my part will go far. If I can get over my insecurities (maybe brought on by my divorce and b*** of an ex) then everything will work out.