Never dated women from real life

[Redguitar35]

Since I retired from dating (see previous threads for info on that) I've been thinking back from time to time to try to understand what went wrong. One thing that's interesting is that most of the women I had sexual relationships with were women I met on dating sites.

 

I've had dates/sex with many women I met online, but I have never successfully gotten a date with a woman I met in real life. It could be that I'm only attractive to women who are desperate. It could also be that I approached way more women online than I ever did in real life, which is like one or two. Also on the rare occasions I did cold approaches in real life, those girls were in relationships or just not interested in me. It just never worked. But i hated online dating as well because it was a lot of work, and there's a lot of crazies out there.

 

There's a woman in one of my classes who's kind of interesting to me, but I've gotten no indication that she's interested and I'm hesistant to try to find out anyway because nothing ever happened in real life for me.

 

Maybe I should stay retired...

Edited September 24, 2016 by Redguitar35

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm not understanding what the issue is? You clearly have no issue dating and sleeping with women you meet online so what does it matter how you meet them if the end result is still there?

 

You've already answered your own question, if you hit on more women in person that would double your chances.

 

Is this about evaluating how confident you are in person vs online? If it is, then you are willing to withstand rejection online but not in person, so if you like this girl you will have to have that same attitude in the real world.

 

Try to get around her when class lets out and see if you can spark up conversation about what was discussed in class. That's an easy way to get talking to her that could lead to more talking next time and then it's not like you have to come up with a way to ask her out on the spot which I am sure is really intimidating. By talking to her about class asking her out will come naturally one of these times you talk to her.

[Mysteryman9110]

I think online is a bad way to meet women and the odds are so skewed to benefit women. I have met a lot of women that way but none of them were quality. I understand why you feel this is a problem. I think if you meet a woman online you are probably going to be dating a woman several points below you due to very favorable ratio that women have online these days. My advice is to go out and socialize as much as possible and try to meet women organically. Join some groups, volunteer, join a gym, whatever it is just try to be more sociable and you will eventually meet someone that way. Do not do any of these things with the sole intent of meeting women. Women can sense if you are there just to meet women.

[SammySammy]

Why did you only approach one or two women in real life before giving up?

[Sunkissedpatio]

. I understand why you feel this is a problem. I think if you meet a woman online you are probably going to be dating a woman several points below you due to very favorable ratio that women have online these days.

 

Wow you don't think that's skewed? You don't have to date anyone that's "points below you" online or anywhere because you are ultimately in control of who you choose to date. Settling isn't about where you meet them it is about how desperate you are to be with someone, anyone, for that matter.

Same could be said about striking out too much in person, after a while you will lower your standards for fear of rejection.

 

 

To say that you will only end up dating "undatables" online is pretty extreme.

 

Believe me we can also sense when a guy is just at the gym or a dance class just meet women too.

[Redguitar35]

Why did you only approach one or two women in real life before giving up?

 

It just didn't go well. Every time I approached, they were either taken or just not interested. I have no reason to think it would be any different with the next girl I took an interest in.

[Redguitar35]

Wow you don't think that's skewed? You don't have to date anyone that's "points below you" online or anywhere because you are ultimately in control of who you choose to date. Settling isn't about where you meet them it is about how desperate you are to be with someone, anyone, for that matter.

Same could be said about striking out too much in person, after a while you will lower your standards for fear of rejection.

 

 

To say that you will only end up dating "undatables" online is pretty extreme.

 

Believe me we can also sense when a guy is just at the gym or a dance class just meet women too.

 

I think there's a lot of truth to what he says about people you meet online being undateable.

 

Look at the last three women I met online. One had emotional problems related to anger. One had a drinking problem and was on antidepressants. One was still in the process of a divorce that, six months after they separated, still hadn't been finalized. :confused:

 

Eventually I said, "I'm done."

Edited September 24, 2016 by Redguitar35

[Sunkissedpatio]

I think there's a lot of truth to what he says about people you meet online being undateable.

 

Look at the last three women I met online. One had emotional problems related to anger. One had a drinking problem and was on antidepressants. One was still in the process of a divorce that, six months after they separated, still hadn't been finalized. :confused:

 

Eventually I said, "I'm done."

 

Exact same experiences are had with men online. Point being, they are also the same people that walk amongst us in day-to-day life, the only difference is that you meet them online.

 

If online isn't for you then you need to engage on more social activities, join Meetup groups of interest or follow some of the suggestions mentioned earlier to meet women organically. Giving up is too easy and ultimately not what you want.

[basil67]

It just didn't go well. Every time I approached, they were either taken or just not interested. I have no reason to think it would be any different with the next girl I took an interest in.

 

Which would be a totally normal result for almost any man if they haven't taken the time to get talking with them and build a rapport.

 

When asking out women in real life, did you spend time getting to know her first?

[SammySammy]

It just didn't go well. Every time I approached, they were either taken or just not interested. I have no reason to think it would be any different with the next girl I took an interest in.

 

If I drive my car to a parking lot and the first two spaces are filled, then I should just go home because there is no reason to believe any of the other parking spaces will be available.

 

Never to try again. To forgo having or doing whatever I went there to do. Forever. Because the first two parking spaces were filled.

 

Okay.

 

If that makes sense to you ....

[Redguitar35]

Which would be a totally normal result for almost any man if they haven't taken the time to get talking with them and build a rapport.

 

When asking out women in real life, did you spend time getting to know her first?

 

The women I approached had ways of letting me know they weren't interested without me needing to try to ask them out: one word answers, cutting the conversation short, things like that. I got the message.

[basil67]

The women I approached had ways of letting me know they weren't interested without me needing to try to ask them out: one word answers, cutting the conversation short, things like that. I got the message.

 

I can imagine that - I've never been keen on chatting with random men. I've always preferred to meet someone via a social hobby, house party, friend of a friend etc.

 

Do you have women in your social circle? Do you attend mixed gender parties where friends of friends are? It's so much easier to talk with someone who knows the host because you've already got something in common.

[Redguitar35]

I can imagine that - I've never been keen on chatting with random men. I've always preferred to meet someone via a social hobby, house party, friend of a friend etc.

 

Do you have women in your social circle? Do you attend mixed gender parties where friends of friends are? It's so much easier to talk with someone who knows the host because you've already got something in common.

 

No, I do not have much of a social circle. I go to work, take night classes, and that's pretty much it right now.

[preraph]

The women I approached had ways of letting me know they weren't interested without me needing to try to ask them out: one word answers, cutting the conversation short, things like that. I got the message.

 

Oh, good, you can read the signs. Sounds like you're approaching women out of your attractiveness range. And you also may not be casual enough and come off as scared since you are and that doesn't make a woman comfortable. You should just be meeting women socially like you meet men and getting to know them a little before asking them out -- and then ask the ones out who are always friendly to you not the one across the room you think is hot.

[SammySammy]

Oh, good, you can read the signs. Sounds like you're approaching women out of your attractiveness range. And you also may not be casual enough and come off as scared since you are and that doesn't make a woman comfortable. You should just be meeting women socially like you meet men and getting to know them a little before asking them out -- and then ask the ones out who are always friendly to you not the one across the room you think is hot.

 

Indeed.

 

It's so much easier to meet and get to know someone this way, but some people are determined to make simple things hard.

[mortensorchid]

Out of curiosity, how old are you? I am 41, and as a Gen Xer, I was talking to someone not too long ago about how much things have changed. I was there before the internet (in general) took off. In fact, I have to remind myself that I spent age 18 and under without it sometimes. Remember, it was only 15-20 years ago that if someone went online to meet someone for a dating/sex purpose, we thought that person was crazy to do so. Now, we go online to do everything (shopping, getting a ride, getting a date, etc.). It is a distinct possibility that someone can and does do everything online now, it's now become kind of an oddball thing if someone actually meets someone in real life or does not use technology in any way to aid the process (a GPS for driving directions, for example). Believe it or not, there are still people out there who are off the grid and intend to be off the grid (don't text, don't use social networking, don't know how to use a computer to type a basic document, don't even own cell phones, etc.) because of two reasons: 1) They take perverse pride in their being off the grid in kind of a "punk rock" feeling, or 2) They don't know how to use modern technology and will not ask for help because they are either ashamed to admit that they don't know how or are afraid of machines. But that's a separate issue.

 

I don't think it's unusual for someone now to have never met a person to date in real life, unless you are a high school or college student and surrounded by nothing but people your age or thereabout, that's what the world is now.

[Redguitar35]

Out of curiosity, how old are you? I am 41, and as a Gen Xer, I was talking to someone not too long ago about how much things have changed. I was there before the internet (in general) took off. In fact, I have to remind myself that I spent age 18 and under without it sometimes. Remember, it was only 15-20 years ago that if someone went online to meet someone for a dating/sex purpose, we thought that person was crazy to do so. Now, we go online to do everything (shopping, getting a ride, getting a date, etc.). It is a distinct possibility that someone can and does do everything online now, it's now become kind of an oddball thing if someone actually meets someone in real life or does not use technology in any way to aid the process (a GPS for driving directions, for example). Believe it or not, there are still people out there who are off the grid and intend to be off the grid (don't text, don't use social networking, don't know how to use a computer to type a basic document, don't even own cell phones, etc.) because of two reasons: 1) They take perverse pride in their being off the grid in kind of a "punk rock" feeling, or 2) They don't know how to use modern technology and will not ask for help because they are either ashamed to admit that they don't know how or are afraid of machines. But that's a separate issue.

 

I don't think it's unusual for someone now to have never met a person to date in real life, unless you are a high school or college student and surrounded by nothing but people your age or thereabout, that's what the world is now.

 

Again, the problem when I was doing online dating was the general low quality of the people I met. Sure, the advantage of it is that you know everyone is single, but in my experience it seems to attract people who really do not have their stuff together.

 

I would have no problem with online dating if the people I met through that were desirable, but the vast majority were not.

 

I am 30, by the way.

Edited September 24, 2016 by Redguitar35

[smackie9]

The best way to meet quality women is meeting them in a positive social atmosphere, like by joining a club, a coed sports team, a social group, dances, charity events, church, festivals, etc. The more active you are, the more likely you will meet someone who has self worth, your intellectual equal, and has substance.

[Redguitar35]

The best way to meet quality women is meeting them in a positive social atmosphere, like by joining a club, a coed sports team, a social group, dances, charity events, church, festivals, etc. The more active you are, the more likely you will meet someone who has self worth, your intellectual equal, and has substance.

 

I recognize the benefits, but finding social activities where I feel like I fit in has been quite a challenge for me historically. The things I really enjoy doing are "single guy" activities like running at the gym or learning guitar chords or building models. When I tried joining clubs/groups in the past I didn't really enjoy it. Partly because it was hard to make inroads when everyone there already knew each other.

 

Socializing in general is much harder for people my age. It's not like we're in college where there are all these student organizations and free time.

Edited September 25, 2016 by Redguitar35

[Mysteryman9110]

I am 32 and I relocated to another country 2 years ago and I didn't know a soul. It was hard but I made a point to go out during me free time and tried to meet people. I built my social circle from stratch and I treated making new friends and building my social circle up like a full time job. If I was tired from work, low on money, or anything else I still went out and tried to meet people. I didn't just try to meet women, but to try to make new friendships and this helped me become a more social person. I have met people on the subway, waiting in line, at social meetups, taxi drivers etc. ( I literally had a taxi driver call me a few days ago that I swapped numbers with ). My current gf is stunningly beautiful and she sees me going to places and can see that I know so many people and it helped build the attraction further.

 

The point I'm making is that you cannot as a man expect a woman of quality without having your stuff together in all aspects of your life. Online dating for men isn't good because there will be such a skewed ratio and this ratio benefits women so much. A woman that is 3/10 in real life will get dozens of messages from men that are 7/10 that would never even talk to that same women in real life. It isn't natural and it's such a bad way to go about dating if you are a man. A woman that hasn't experienced the negative side of this ratio will not understand what I mean but I bet some of the guys reading this will know exactly what I mean.

 

Get your social life together even if you don't like to do it. Working at a job sometimes sucks, going to the gym sucks, eating healthy sucks. Anything of life with any value you have to put in serious effort to get what you want.

[Lansing]

Since you like running at the gym how about joining s local running club. Usually there are free weeknight runs organized by running stores, etc to get you started. Don't even do it to meet a girl but to get out and meet people and just to run.

 

I personally volunteer in different arts/culture events and it is fun just for the volunteer aspect but occasionally you met new people too. I have gotten a bunch of friends from this (mainly female) and dated a few girls as well. The reality is like 90% of the people that volunteer for the stuff I do are female. There are a lot of younger and older people but if you do something you enjoy it is just a bonus if you make new friends,etc.

 

I understand what you are sayingp about online dating. I have seen it work out for some!e friends but personally it is not for me. I prefer meeting someone in real life and feel that spark or whatever in person. You shouldn't give up on that. Keep talking to people and meeting new people.

[Redguitar35]

 

The point I'm making is that you cannot as a man expect a woman of quality without having your stuff together in all aspects of your life. Online dating for men isn't good because there will be such a skewed ratio and this ratio benefits women so much. A woman that is 3/10 in real life will get dozens of messages from men that are 7/10 that would never even talk to that same women in real life. It isn't natural and it's such a bad way to go about dating if you are a man. A woman that hasn't experienced the negative side of this ratio will not understand what I mean but I bet some of the guys reading this will know exactly what I mean.

 

 

I don't necessarily think of it as a power thing where women have all the control. I just think the big problem with online dating is that it doesn't attract people who are high quality. In my experience, it was a cesspool. I don't know if I will ever date again, but if I did, online would be last place I'd look. People's suggestions here have given me a lot to think about and I appreciate it.