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Do you ask your GF/BF to step out of their comfort zone for you?


Gaeta

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Lets say your BF does not like birthdays and holidays but it's a big deal to you, will you ask him to step out of his comfort zone for you?

 

I am asking my BF to do just that because to me love is not about the easy-breezy moments, love is about him stepping out of his comfort zone for something important to ME because I am important to HIM.

 

Am I on the wrong track?

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I don't think it is out of line.

 

My husband *hates* antique stores (with a passion I can't quite fathom). But when we travel - especially to places like Europe where antiques have a different meaning because they are more than 200 years old - I will ask him to accompany me or to include a stop or two in our planning.

 

When at home, I do them on my own. Surprisingly, it was during our honeymoon in Spain when we stumbled on an outdoor market in Barcelona that became one of my better memories. He let me wander the market where I found a memorable damascene brooch, but he found a booth that had pre-WWII Italian newspapers. He was able to hunker down and find some interesting papers to read and buy, while I got the advantage of not having him just sit and look at me with that, "how much longer will this take" look in his eye.

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Ideally, he would know you well enough that he would make a big deal about your birthday (because he knows it's important to you) without you having to explicitly direct him to do so.

 

Him going all out for your birthday because you told him to would make the whole thing a bit underwhelming, I'd think.

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It's about my brother's 50th birthday party. My BF says it's ok to go to my brother for BBQ and family dinners but he won't go for a birthday because he hates birthdays. My head nearly imploded when I heard that.

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It's about my brother's 50th birthday party. My BF says it's ok to go to my brother for BBQ and family dinners but he won't go for a birthday because he hates birthdays. My head nearly imploded when I heard that.

 

I would expect my other half to go to my siblings birthday and be involved in family celebrations the same as I would expect to go to his...

 

Tell him not to be so stupid and if he feels better to just consider it another family BBQ instead of a "birthday".

 

He is being stupid.

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Depends, sometimes, sometimes not.

 

What are you asking/expecting of him and what has his response so far been?

 

I want him to come to my brother's 50th birthday party. He said he hates birthdays and holidays and I know why.

 

I said Yes I know BUT it's important to me, a great deal important, and he should do it because it's important to me and I am important to him.

 

He said nothing.

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He is being stupid.

 

Yes he is.

 

And I told him I don't want to be paying for any of his ex mistakes. He left everything behind in Europe to start a new life in Canada and he is bringing 20 year old resentment toward ex with him !!

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Who hates birthdays and holidays?

 

All reasons for celebration, parties, happy times....to me that's what life is about. I can't imagine being with someone who didn't value celebrating milestones with family and friends. Why does he not like celebrations?

 

That sounds like a really unpleasant chore, for you, to constantly have to drag him to these events in the future.

 

If he sucks it up and goes for your sake, is he even going to enjoy himself?

 

I'd rather him sit at home if he's going to sulk in a corner at a party. Because that would ruin my time, worrying about how he was having a miserable time. And he'll probably want to leave early, not stay very long...This would be a deal breaker for me.

Edited by AMJ
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Who hates birthdays and holidays?

 

All reasons for celebration, parties, happy times....to me that's what life is about. I can't imagine being with someone who didn't value celebrating milestones with family and friends. Why does he not like celebrations?

 

That sounds like a really unpleasant chore, for you, to constantly have to drag him to these events in the future.

 

If he sucks it up and goes for your sake, is he even going to enjoy himself?

 

I'd rather him sit at home if he's going to sulk in a corner at a party. Because that would ruin my time, worrying about how he was having a miserable time. And he'll probably want to leave early, not stay very long...This would be a deal breaker for me.

 

He is the one who does not like it.

 

Dating 10 months and the only birthday we went to was my nephew 5th birthday and he was 100% happy to attend. Apparently his hate of birthdays is aimed at adults.

 

We did not come across this problem before because all of my family's birthdays are concentrated between October and December.

 

We also went to my parents at Easter. First I said we're going to my parents for Easter he got all tense, then I said I miss my parents and want to see them and he was 100% ok with going as long as I did not present it as a holiday.

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He needs to start getting over it Geata...

 

If he is bringing up his ex after all this time together you need to make for the door.

 

He is not bringing up his ex, he never does. There was this incident with his ex wife (he told me about once) and since that incident he has refused to celebrate any birthdays except his children's birthday.

 

I have hung up from my past too. I had more than one ride down to hell with my ex relationships but I do my best to NOT bring my phobia into my present life.

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We also went to my parents at Easter. First I said we're going to my parents for Easter he got all tense, then I said I miss my parents and want to see them and he was 100% ok with going as long as I did not present it as a holiday.

 

Starting to sound kinda weird ....

 

It's one thing to dislike holidays or birthdays or w/e but if it significantly impacts your life and your relationships w ppl you care about, it becomes a hang-up, and having hang-ups about nonsense things is just weird.

 

If it was me I'd tell him to just knock it the eff off and get his mind right, G. Pretty sure you can handle that too. ;)

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If it was me I'd tell him to just knock it the eff off and get his mind right, G. Pretty sure you can handle that too. ;)

 

I did tell him to knock it off and I was very bossy and also did it in middle of home-depot of all places so he was helpless, of course he did not want to attract attention.

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Well it's easy to say "tell him to knock it off, he's being stupid!" but it's obviously a big thing to him.

 

OP didn't go into details, other than to say it was ex baggage, but the reason would be somewhat important to at least understanding things from his side, which I think is a valid part of the original question. Otherwise it just becomes a "pile on" where everyone says, "You're right, OP! Your BF is being stupid!"

 

What good does that do?

 

So to help us determine why birthdays and holidays are "out of his comfort zone" and how far out of the zone they are for him, could you give us more context?

 

(full disclaimer: I also hate family holiday get-togethers with a passion because they are sooooo boring and people just sit around and talk without really saying anything. Let's hear his reason!)

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I agree that he's being stupid.

 

However, I'm against forcing an adult to do something. If he refuses to go, despite knowing how important it is to you, I think I would on my own and spend some of that time rethinking the relationship. If family holidays and birthdays are that important to you and you want a partner who will participate in those events without having to be forced to do so, he may not be the right guy for you. And if it's going to turn into a fight and/or resentment every time, well, who needs that?

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I don't think this has anything to do with your brother's birthday.

 

There is something else at play here...

 

^ Whether it's him rebelling against your 'bossiness' (like a child) or something else.

 

It's not about a birthday.

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(full disclaimer: I also hate family holiday get-togethers with a passion because they are sooooo boring and people just sit around and talk without really saying anything. Let's hear his reason!)

 

But it's not my case. My 3 brothers are all of our age and we have great time together. If I could pick my family I would pick them over again. Each time we get out of their place my BF tells me how cool everyone is and how it's always fun. My BF even tells me hey! lets go to your brother H Sunday!

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What happened for him to hate birthdays so much?

 

Something like 15 years ago maybe more. It was his first year of marriage with second wife. He forgot her birthday. She got really mad and condescending to him. He felt bad, he went the following day to the jewelry store and pored all his saving in a necklace and earrings kit. When he gave them to her she opened the present and threw them back at him. It was the end of all birthdays for him.

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But it's not my case. My 3 brothers are all of our age and we have great time together. If I could pick my family I would pick them over again. Each time we get out of their place my BF tells me how cool everyone is and how it's always fun. My BF even tells me hey! lets go to your brother H Sunday!

 

So why does he balk at birthdays and holidays? Did he just draw some arbitrary line in the sand or something?

 

EDIT: Wow that incident really wounded him. Geez. I can see how that would leave some emotional scars. I guess they're deep enough that the word "birthday" triggers these bad feelings.

 

Has he talked to a counselor? That's a long time to have such an adamant position on no more birthdays..evah!

Edited by MightyPen
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^ Whether it's him rebelling against your 'bossiness' (like a child) or something else.

 

It's not about a birthday.

 

When I told him about the birthday party I gave him a date. I felt a first resistance from him then. He does not like things to be set in dates. He does not want to be required to be in such and such place for a set time.

 

So right there he got tense.

 

How else do you want to organize get together?

 

Then he said it was 2 months away how can he know if he'll be able to make it, maybe he'll be dead. I said that's the point of telling him ahead of time so he doesn't book himself anywhere else and if he is dead than it's ok he doesn't have to come!

 

So I think it's from there it went downhill.

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When I told him about the birthday party I gave him a date. I felt a first resistance from him then. He does not like things to be set in dates. He does not want to be required to be in such and such place for a set time.

 

So right there he got tense.

 

How else do you want to organize get together?

 

Then he said it was 2 months away how can he know if he'll be able to make it, maybe he'll be dead. I said that's the point of telling him ahead of time so he doesn't book himself anywhere else and if he is dead than it's ok he doesn't have to come!

 

So I think it's from there it went downhill.

 

I think it was the way you "told" him.

 

You said you were "bossy".

 

Bossy = heavy-handed, demanding. Even controlling. Like a mother to a child.

 

What man wants to be bossed around by his girlfriend?

 

I think he was rebelling against being 'bossed'.

 

I don't know of any man who would go for that!

 

Unless he is weak and passive and from what you have posted about him previously, he sure doesn't sound like that!

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I did tell him to knock it off and I was very bossy and also did it in middle of home-depot of all places so he was helpless, of course he did not want to attract attention.

 

How did he react to that?

 

He'd have to have had a profoundly damaging birthday experience for this to rate as a red line relationship moment for him, like he was in a hospital celebrating someone's birthday in a war-torn country when it was attacked w missiles and everyone died. Otherwise I don't see how it isn't namby-pamby fussy baby type stuff. Even "my ex dumped me at my birthday party" doesn't really get there - everyone has birthdays and half of them celebrate them so if that's the sort of thing that lays you low you have a lot bigger problems than birthdays. Like saying you don't like going to restaurants bc it reminds you of your ex. :/

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