Can I keep this hidden from my BF indefinitely? [update: told BF]

[Gaeta]

I have an old, very old semi-secret that I do not want to disclose to my BF. Pretty much everybody around me (family, friends, colleagues) know of it so I am afraid one of these days someone will say something.

 

My last long term relationship ended in 2004. This man and I were together for 4 years, we had a house together and the whole nine yard. The secret is that this ex owns the company I work for, he is my boss.

 

With everything I read on here on men unable to handle their GF having an ex in her life I am getting worried.

 

BF and I spent last weekend at my parents. At breakfast table I said something about work and my dad replied by naming my boss by his first name. I stopped breathing for a moment. Afterward I told mom my BF did not know my boss is my ex and don't wish to bring it up either.

 

Boss and I history is so old I don't view him as an ex anymore. Our contacts are strictly professional and he has never, not even once, act unprofessional around me in the past 12 years.

 

So I see 2 choices.

A) I tell boyfriend

B) I tell everyone around me to not bring it up.

 

Dilemma dilemma!

[kgcolonel]

Tell your BF if you're truly serious about him and you want an exclusive and intimate relationship with him.....explain it to him and be open and honest with him to create a level field. Let him decide how deeply he can invest.

 

In the end, don't you want a relationship with someone that can live with your true self and situation?

[Gaeta]

Tell your BF if you're truly serious about him and you want an exclusive and intimate relationship with him.....explain it to him and be open and honest with him to create a level field. Let him decide how deeply he can invest.

 

In the end, don't you want a relationship with someone that can live with your true self and situation?

 

If I trust what men are saying on here, if I tell BF he will then be plagued with visions of me and boss getting it on on my desk even if it's something that would never happened in a million year.

[kendahke]

Tell him. Trust him to not bail.

 

If he does bail, then this wasn't meant to be.

 

Lesson learned: don't keep secrets that can eventually get out with someone you're trying to build a life with. The truth always outs.

[jen1447]

I don't see why it'd be a big deal to tell him - everyone has a past and that's not exactly a scandalous one. Besides, trying to keep secrets will kill your soul after a while so don't put yourself thru that.

 

btw make sure you don't leave the computer/device unlocked w this page proudly displayed ....seen that happen more than once.

[kendahke]

If I trust what men are saying on here, if I tell BF he will then be plagued with visions of me and boss getting it on on my desk even if it's something that would never happened in a million year.

 

the men on this site aren't your boyfriend.

 

Like I said, if this is what he reaches for, then it's best you find this out sooner than much later when someone else tells him.

[Satu]

Everybody is different, but in this case, I'd just tell him:

 

"Just so you know, my boss and I were in a relationship for a while, years ago. Now we just work together, and we don't have any kind of relationship beyond that."

 

You don't have to tell, but wondering if he's going to find out from somebody else is no fun.

 

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, anyway.

 

So in this case, I would tell.

 

 

Take care.

[Methodical]

Telling everyone you associate with to keep that part of your past from your current bf sounds like a lot of work. Ppl tend to bring up things, whether intentional or not, and purposely omitting this detail could be perceived as a lie by omission. I vote for telling your bf that you don't want any misgivings and disclose the 'secret'. Surely he is mature enough to understand that relationship ended more than a decade ago, and that although you have limited contact with the boss, your livelihood is dependent upon your job.

[NotASkunk]

I would absolutely tell him. Have faith that he will trust you. I think he would appreciate knowing the truth, it really isn't that big of a deal. Your past is your past. It isn't good to have secrets in a relationship and the fact that it's a secret might be what ultimately destroyed the relationship and you don't want that. All the best!

[Gaeta]

Is it important information though?

[SoThatHappened]

It was 12 years ago.

 

Tell the guy.

[Gaeta]

btw make sure you don't leave the computer/device unlocked w this page proudly displayed ....seen that happen more than once.

 

I am good, he doesn't speak a word of English ;-)

[central]

You know your bf - we don't. How do you think he'll react if you tell him? And how do you think he'd react if you don't and he finds out from someone else?

 

 

For me, this wouldn't be a big deal - it wouldn't matter to me at all, if you told me that the relationship is old news and now it's strictly business.

 

 

However, if he can't handle it, then he's not the right guy. As much as that would be hurtful to find out, it is worth knowing now. And if there is a negative reaction from him now, it will be much greater if he finds out that you've concealed this because you don't trust him.

[Gaeta]

It was 12 years ago.

 

Tell the guy.

 

That is also my point, it was 12 years ago so why tell?

[Methodical]

Is it important information though?

 

If it's important enough for you to worry about it, then yes. Get it in the open and you won't have to worry about it whether or not he'll accidentally find out.

[introverted1]

"A" all the way. This is bound to slip out and it is going to be so much worse if your bf hears it from someone else.

[No_Go]

Depends - does your boss come up in conversations with your BF? Do you see your boss on daily basis (it is so different in different fields)?

 

I'm a very secretive person myself and hate to discuss intimate relationships, nevertheless my advice here is that you need to tell your BF because he can easily find out. Just think of a right occasion to disclose (out of the blue will be super awkward).

 

P.S.A simple background check gives a list of addresses and associates aka people that one lived with. If your BF do that for whatever reason - the truth will pop even if all your family and friends support you in keeping this info secret...

 

Is it important information though?

[maryjanekelly]

How long have you and your current bf been together? Those skeletons always have a way of sneaking free of the closet.If he finds out from someone else then it will look like you were hiding it from him for a reason.

 

Be honest. Answer any question he asks honestly and openly. That was 12 years ago. That is a long time ago.

[Gaeta]

I have not seen my boss face to face for almost 3 years. He is a business man traveling and making deals. We email, call, or text when necessary which is a couple of times a week. I take care of all of his companies and he gave me authority in all of them so I don't require to report to him often.

 

It has happened my boss came up in conversation with my BF when I was telling funny office stories or something like that.

 

 

Depends - does your boss come up in conversations with your BF? Do you see your boss on daily basis (it is so different in different fields)?

 

I'm a very secretive person myself and hate to discuss intimate relationships, nevertheless my advice here is that you need to tell your BF because he can easily find out. Just think of a right occasion to disclose (out of the blue will be super awkward).

 

P.S.A simple background check gives a list of addresses and associates aka people that one lived with. If your BF do that for whatever reason - the truth will pop even if all your family and friends support you in keeping this info secret...

[katiegrl]

If I trust what men are saying on here, if I tell BF he will then be plagued with visions of me and boss getting it on on my desk even if it's something that would never happened in a million year.

 

I hear ya ... that info would not have sat well with my ex either... but he was extremely jealous, and in retrospect, controlling, which was extremely exhausting at times!

 

But Gaeta, you HAVE to tell him. Explain to him what you did here, it was soooooo long ago, you don't even consider him an ex! Nor have you even seen him in three years!

 

God forbid, someone in your family slips up, or you are out with work colleagues and someone mentions it to him.

 

At that point, NOT telling him becomes the bigger issue, dealbreaker in fact.

 

You willing to risk that?

[Redhead14]

People who have nothing to hide . . . hide nothing. If your BF finds out some other way and thinks you've been keeping it a secret, he'll have no choice but to wonder why and the "can I trust them bell will be rung" before you even get to talk to him. That's a bell that's hard to unring.

 

It was 12 years ago. If he's going to bail over something that hasn't affected your current relationship at all this whole time, so be it.

[Gaeta]

Be honest. Answer any question he asks honestly and openly. That was 12 years ago. That is a long time ago.

 

We have been dating 10 months. My BF has never asked questions about my past and would never ask indiscreet questions like if I had something with boss etc etc.

 

Of course he knows I was married for 15 years and had another 4 year relationship but he never asked details. He is really the live and let live type.

[kgcolonel]

"A" all the way. This is bound to slip out and it is going to be so much worse if your bf hears it from someone else.

 

This is why tell him.....you get to tell the whole story that gives you credibility and integrity....if he hears from someone else, it "looks" as though you kept something from him which he may feel lied to by omission.

[Satu]

Is it important information though?

 

I don't think so.

 

That is also my point, it was 12 years ago so why tell?

 

I would tell because if you carry on seeing him, he'll probably find out, and he might then think you're hiding things from him, when you're not.

[Saracena]

Is it important information though?

 

 

It's SO long ago, I was just going to ask the same thing! To me it isn't! Personally I wouldn't bother.

 

If you want to, by all means, tell him but in a very casual sort of way. You'll know when the opportunity presents itself! My fear approaching it in a 'There's something I've been meaning to tell you' fashion would give this information a heightened sense of importance and make him wonder why you were withholding this 'disclosure' until now.