Not being able to afford dates. Thoughts?

[codelock]

I currently live in Australia (moved here 2 years ago) but I'm American. Either I'm crazy but guys here do not seem to pay for dates at all. I've been out with a ton of different guys and they never pay. I've dated British and American guys and they do pay but Aussies do not. I'm 28 and the guys I'm dating tend to be my age or several years younger (26-24). Some of the older ones do pay for me but it's quite rare and I'd say 80% of the dates I go on, I have to pay my half every time.

 

This month I've dated quite a bit and mostly Aussie guys. The guys choose the venue for the first date (I'm never confident if they will pay) and it's usually nice, fancy and of course the drinks and meal ends up being quite a bit. I'm trying to save a money and am a bit down because after finishing a nice date today, I ended up spending $40 for my share of a bottle of wine and a meal. the venue was high cost so there was no option to choose a cheaper meal and the guy suggested we get a bottle of red wine without my input. He asked if I liked red wine and just ordered it. But when the bill came, I had to pay my half. If I'd known that, I would have suggested a glass or just water to be honest.

 

IT sucks cause I enjoyed the date, but I feel like I don't have much money to do much else and am regretting committing to other things that cost money. Another guy asked me out for a third date Sunday. I really like this guy but I checked the venue and it'll be another $25 per plate for a meal. I really like this one so I feel bad telling him to choose another venue as he loves picking the place. Also the guys always want to continue dating me till 3rd or 4th date till I call it quits so it's not a case of a guy being disinterested. If he's disinterested, then fair enough, but these guys all want more dates with me.

 

Another guy texted me asking if we can have lunch for his birthday next week and I'm very tempted to text him saying I'll come but likely not eat anything. I'm not cheap. I make a good deal of money, and if I'd planned these dates I would have picked some place where the meal was $10-15 and had low alcohol consumption. I just need to save money for upcoming things and I've spent no joke probably over$100 on dates this week. I don't mind if the guy doesn't pay but I wish he'd ask me if the budget was okay with me cause I'd recommend a more inexpensive place instead.

 

I just don't know how to tell these guys politely that I cannot afford to keep going on these dates without sounding like I'm broke. I think it's cultural for Aussies to not pay for dates (I'm not sure) so I don't want to get upset with them for not paying but it does kill the romance a bit. And it's turning me off to accepting dates because I'm always thinking about how much money I will spend.

 

If I go on a 4th date, I will plan the date and pick a low cost activity. However, it's tough as most guys want to plan the first and second date.

Edited September 8, 2016 by codelock

[Shining One]

My stance is that if you're contributing to paying the bill, you get a vote in where the date takes place. Have you tried suggesting alternative locations to the men you date? Personally, I have no problem with a woman saying she'd rather eat at a different location than the one I chose.

[PrettyEmily77]

There's dating, and then there's what can potentially come from dating, ie a long-term relationship. Restaurant bills really are a detail in the scheme of things, so you need to think about whether you are in the right financial situation to start a relationship in the first place IMO.

 

Is there a way you could wait a little so you have racked up enough savings? This way, you'll be able to enjoy the whole process of finding the right guy for you without worrying about the restaurant bill?

 

If all you want is some fun and getting to know the guy, a fancy restaurant really isn't necessary, but the guys aren't mind readers - unless you offer an alternative straight away (casual drinks at first or one of those cool international food market places), they'll (rightly) assume you can pay your share, and also that you are in a healthy financial situation.

[No_Go]

Are you dating online? If so, put in your profile you PREFER as first dates nature walks, picnic in the park etc - things that are cheap/free.

 

That's my preference as well. I'm in a pretty good standing with savings, investments etc, yet I cringe at restaurant bills because of what they are - meaningless spending! Especially with a stranger that you may or may not enjoy spending time with...

[Toodaloo]

Code.

 

After I had a man run out on me in the middle of a dinner date and I was left to foot the bill for both I never go on a date unless I am able to pay for both. I never went before unless I could pay for myself now I make sure its both.

 

I just scale it back to what I can afford and go from there.

 

Besides are you not exhausted with going out with all these different guys?

 

Can't you plan a few cups of coffee or a walk in the park etc instead?

[No_Go]

Haha did he completely disappear afterwards? I can't imagine to be such a loser but... life proves that all kinds of men exist.

 

Else I completely agree with the notion only to go to places where you are able to foot the bill for BOTH.

 

Code.

 

After I had a man run out on me in the middle of a dinner date and I was left to foot the bill for both I never go on a date unless I am able to pay for both. I never went before unless I could pay for myself now I make sure its both.

 

I just scale it back to what I can afford and go from there.

 

Besides are you not exhausted with going out with all these different guys?

 

Can't you plan a few cups of coffee or a walk in the park etc instead?

[Toodaloo]

Haha did he completely disappear afterwards? I can't imagine to be such a loser but... life proves that all kinds of men exist.

 

Else I completely agree with the notion only to go to places where you are able to foot the bill for BOTH.

 

In the middle of the meal we were talking and joking about his motor bike, nothing derogatory or nasty, he just jumped up. Said he couldn't do this. Then ran out of the door...

 

The waiters and I were a tad perplexed... We did have a good giggle about it.

 

Ironically that was not the worst date, nor the most expensive. I always laugh when I read threads on here where guys go on about how all women are just money grabbers...

 

I always aim to have at least £100 spare in the bank, that I can afford to waste, and will not be upset about losing, for each date, preferably more and if not I don't go or I keep it very low key.

[codelock]

There's dating, and then there's what can potentially come from dating, ie a long-term relationship. Restaurant bills really are a detail in the scheme of things, so you need to think about whether you are in the right financial situation to start a relationship in the first place IMO.

 

Is there a way you could wait a little so you have racked up enough savings? This way, you'll be able to enjoy the whole process of finding the right guy for you without worrying about the restaurant bill?

 

If all you want is some fun and getting to know the guy, a fancy restaurant really isn't necessary, but the guys aren't mind readers - unless you offer an alternative straight away (casual drinks at first or one of those cool international food market places), they'll (rightly) assume you can pay your share, and also that you are in a healthy financial situation.

 

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I'm 100% in a healthy financial situation. I save a good deal and have a well-paying full-time. I'm also a foodie and typically love going to nice restaurants but ideally with my friends or a guy I'm seeing, not as a first or second date where one of us decides that we aren't interested.

 

The issue is I've had to buy a flight home for the holiday season (close to $2000 flight) and am going on holiday in a few weeks. All these flights were bought 2 weeks ago, so I have a little less spending money this month. After my holiday finishes in October, I'll have more money to spend freely but I'd rather splurge on my holiday. Also it's just been an odd time. Usually I only date 1-2 guys max but the last 2 months guys have just been continually asking me out so it's been a bit crazier than normal.

[codelock]

Code.

 

After I had a man run out on me in the middle of a dinner date and I was left to foot the bill for both I never go on a date unless I am able to pay for both. I never went before unless I could pay for myself now I make sure its both.

 

I just scale it back to what I can afford and go from there.

 

Besides are you not exhausted with going out with all these different guys?

 

Can't you plan a few cups of coffee or a walk in the park etc instead?

 

Oh wow that sounds terrible. Glad it wasn't too crazy.

 

Yes, that's a good point. With the guy who asked to do lunch during his birthday, I'll ask if we can have a picnic where we bring our own lunches (in Australia it's Spring now so nice to get outside).

 

The 3rd date is with a guy I really like and definitely want to see where things go so I'll plan to just go to that venue and drink/eat out a bit less to counteract costs.

 

I am exhausted with all the guys but it's been a very strange month with guys asking me out. 1 of these guys was from online and the others were from random events and things. Luckily enough I enjoy the company of all the guys which never seems to happen, hence the multiple dates. After this weekend, I'm planning to start figuring out who I cannot see so I can focus on just 1 or 2 guys max.

[Kamille]

Here it's customary for the guy to pay for the first date, but then it becomes a shared cost.

 

I try to only schedule one or two dates a week as a way to avoid spending too much on dates. Also, gives me time to do other things and not burn out on dating. It slows down the pace of getting to know guys and means that, at any time, I'm getting to know 2 guys at most.

[h0000]

They don't pay for any dates? Not even one date? Not even the first date?

I am in Australia and all guys I dated all paid for at least the first date. and if I didn't offer they would pick up the cheque on the second date as well. Even met a guy who never allowed me to pay. I don't think it's a culture here that guys never pay for ladies, not at all.

Who are these men? Travelers? Back packers ? Do they have decent jobs?

[PrettyEmily77]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I'm 100% in a healthy financial situation. I save a good deal and have a well-paying full-time. I'm also a foodie and typically love going to nice restaurants but ideally with my friends or a guy I'm seeing, not as a first or second date where one of us decides that we aren't interested.

 

The issue is I've had to buy a flight home for the holiday season (close to $2000 flight) and am going on holiday in a few weeks. All these flights were bought 2 weeks ago, so I have a little less spending money this month. After my holiday finishes in October, I'll have more money to spend freely but I'd rather splurge on my holiday. Also it's just been an odd time. Usually I only date 1-2 guys max but the last 2 months guys have just been continually asking me out so it's been a bit crazier than normal.

 

Ok well October is just round the corner so maybe worth enjoying the hols and wait until then to date?

 

Those guys who are really interested will likely still be there in a few weeks' time, plus you wouldn't be seeing them anyway during your time away!

[codelock]

They don't pay for any dates? Not even one date? Not even the first date?

I am in Australia and all guys I dated all paid for at least the first date. and if I didn't offer they would pick up the cheque on the second date as well. Even met a guy who never allowed me to pay. I don't think it's a culture here that guys never pay for ladies, not at all.

Who are these men? Travelers? Back packers ? Do they have decent jobs?

 

 

Yeah trust me, it's frustrating and makes me think the guy isn't into me until he asks me out right after the date ends. A few Australians have paid for the first date so it's not everyone.

 

All the guys have great jobs in finance, programming and accounting. One of them lives at home so he's not even paying rent. The guy I like did tell me on our last date that his last girlfriend didn't like romantic gestures much cause he did end up paying for my drinks on the second date. He's had limited dating experience and is 24 so I figured that explains his behavior a bit.

[Leigh 87]

I am an Aussie and men have all paid for my dates.... Bar one guy where I had to buy my own breakfast which was fine as I was not into him.

 

Although on the second date I have had a guy want me to pay. Which I was not into him so I wanted to pay anyway.

 

Then again on the 4th date, a guy who was treating me to the dated made it known that he was done with dates, wanted me to start treating him, and would not be throwing his money around after the initial week or two where he splurged on dates.

 

ALL the rest have paid.

 

Australia is very multi cultural and my BF is Ukranian and he is traditional and believes the guy should pay for dates, BUT --and this is a big but -- w2hen it comes to more expensive ventures, such as a fancy hotel ---- he will still PREFER to pay, he still believes we should both help each other out when we are short of cash and he gladly accepts my money for things and activities when he simply cannot AFFORD it.

 

Let's see... My mates fiancé pays. 3 years later he still pays for not only dates but for small trips. She only has to contribute to overseas travel.

His friend who pursued me always believes in paying for ALL days.

 

I met a couple of men who believed in women paying their half - or - taking turns. MY EX was like that and I lost all attraction for him - We would go out with friends and THEIR bus would pay for their drinks and dinner, yet I would have to go buy my own drinks and my own dinner. Vomit. What a loser.

 

So there are a few men I have met who were all about " independent women" who paid their way on dates.

Then there was a guy who was really into me - who splurged on dates for one week, paying for 3 or 4 - and then he finally told me that it was " my turn to treat".

 

This rubbed me the wrong way - especially the way he said it in front of my friend the previous day - we were all buying smoothies and he wanted me to pay by the sounds of it, then declared in front of my friend " well it is def your turn to treat next time!"

 

 

I instantly lost sexual desire for him I have to say.

 

I am very different to MOST Aussie women! I personally prefer the older traditional gender roles where men have the DRIVE to provide and take care of women I PREFER to do most of the cleaning while my BF works full time and takes care of my during my med degree.

 

The women here are all mostly independent and prefer paying their half it seems.

 

My friend and me are ANOMOLIES - in that we need a guy who PREFERS to do the treating when it comes to dates.

 

 

 

 

I think FREE dates or VERY CHEAP dates are the way to go! I Hate the whole culture here of men splitting the bill.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Perhaps it's b/c you are American? Better or for worse...

[h0000]

Yeah trust me, it's frustrating and makes me think the guy isn't into me until he asks me out right after the date ends. A few Australians have paid for the first date so it's not everyone.

 

All the guys have great jobs in finance, programming and accounting. One of them lives at home so he's not even paying rent. The guy I like did tell me on our last date that his last girlfriend didn't like romantic gestures much cause he did end up paying for my drinks on the second date. He's had limited dating experience and is 24 so I figured that explains his behavior a bit.

 

if I have to guess, maybe they see you are an American, seeing you as more of a "casual fun", not long term, so they are not paying.

[codelock]

 

 

The women here are all mostly independent and prefer paying their half it seems.

 

 

I think FREE dates or VERY CHEAP dates are the way to go! I Hate the whole culture here of men splitting the bill.

 

You are so right. I've noticed all my female friends here feel bad when a guy pays. I'm personally happy to pay my half and I always offer but I wish I could take the role and plan the date. It's just funny as these men all want to be traditional and plan the date, pick the location and so on but don't want to pay.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah, I personally think it is a little sad how these men the OP meets are all high earning guys who can clearly AFFORD to treat a woman, yet CHOOSE not to.

 

I am generous and prefer GENEROUS men.

 

My BF is a truck driver and still manages to take me out and pay.

 

He just doesn't do it every week since he cannot afford it - and he saves up for our date time.

 

I have known broke students who PREFER to treat their dates .....

[codelock]

if I have to guess, maybe they see you are an American, seeing you as more of a "casual fun", not long term, so they are not paying.

 

My goodness, I hope not! I'm here to stay and the guys ask me that pretty early on to suss out if I'm on a visa and planning to move in 6 months. Regardless, I tend to not sleep with a guy or get too carried away until we are exclusive and seeing each other regularly so a guy would have to be thinking long-term to have a chance with me.

 

You might be right though about a few of the guys I've dated. I'll think about it some more and take that into consideration as that's not a perspective I've thought of.

[Leigh 87]

You are so right. I've noticed all my female friends here feel bad when a guy pays. I'm personally happy to pay my half and I always offer but I wish I could take the role and plan the date. It's just funny as these men all want to be traditional and plan the date, pick the location and so on but don't want to pay.

 

 

Me and my two friends - they are admittedly VERY attractive women - we all only date men who treat us to dates. I am not beautiful like them so they probably have it entrenched by their mothers where as I like men to pay simply because I am super generous and simply need a guy who is GENEROUS - and men who earn a lot yet go halves for dates - are NOT generous, my friend.

 

Then all the women outside those two girls - prefer to pay their half. So it is just me anda my 2 friends who are the odds ones out.

 

I personally do not feel desirable or feminine when I have had to pay. I am generous - but on my own terms! I got my BF an overseas trip for his bday for instance. I am hardly tight with the little money I DO have. I help him out with vet bills when he is not paid and needs an instant 280 dollars.

 

DO NOT feel bad for preferring that a man treats to to dates now and again! IF ANYTHING - you should take it in turns - it is SO trashy and cheap to go HALVES:sick:

[codelock]

Yeah, I personally think it is a little sad how these men the OP meets are all high earning guys who can clearly AFFORD to treat a woman, yet CHOOSE not to.

 

I am generous and prefer GENEROUS men.

 

My BF is a truck driver and still manages to take me out and pay.

 

He just doesn't do it every week since he cannot afford it - and he saves up for our date time.

 

I have known broke students who PREFER to treat their dates .....

 

Likewise it's not a dealbreaker by any means, but it does build a bit of romance when a guy treats me to at least one meal. I've had a few Aussies treat me but I do find it kind of poor taste to not even treat me for a coffee haha, it's just $4!

[codelock]

Ok well October is just round the corner so maybe worth enjoying the hols and wait until then to date?

 

Those guys who are really interested will likely still be there in a few weeks' time, plus you wouldn't be seeing them anyway during your time away!

 

Thanks so much Emily! You and another poster have given me a good idea, I'm going to ask to reschedule the date tomorrow. The guy asked me to a movie with him right as I was going home from our date (the one where I paid my half which amounted to over $40) and he wants to go tomorrow. I just keep thinking about the money rather than having a good time.

 

I'm conveniently working tomorrow morning and am seeing a friend tomorrow night so I'll tell him it's a bit too much and let's reschedule for another day later next week. He's not the one I really like so I'd rather focus on that one guy who I'm having my next date with on Sunday.

 

I think if I continue dating like this it'll have to be 1-2 dates max and if I see a guy I'll suggest free or very cheap activities. I've already texted the other guy suggesting a picnic in the park for his birthday so I can bring my lunch and we don't have to worry about who pays.

[codelock]

 

I personally do not feel desirable or feminine when I have had to pay. I am generous - but on my own terms! I got my BF an overseas trip for his bday for instance. I am hardly tight with the little money I DO have. I help him out with vet bills when he is not paid and needs an instant 280 dollars.

 

DO NOT feel bad for preferring that a man treats to to dates now and again! IF ANYTHING - you should take it in turns - it is SO trashy and cheap to go HALVES:sick:

 

Glad to know I'm not the only woman who feels this way. Being American and living here I feel like a bit of an anomaly with wanting the guy to pay for the first date haha.

 

The guy I do like is Ukranian and he's commented on the fact that he's normally traditional and romantic but that women he dates here do not tend to want him to pay for anything so that's the only reason I'm not viewing that as a negative on his front because he came right out and told me that without having to bring it up. And afterwards he paid for my drinks the rest of the night.

 

I agree 100%, taking turns is great to me. That way we plan dates we both feel comfortable paying for and it's fun and sweet.

[Leigh 87]

Likewise it's not a dealbreaker by any means, but it does build a bit of romance when a guy treats me to at least one meal. I've had a few Aussies treat me but I do find it kind of poor taste to not even treat me for a coffee haha, it's just $4!

 

Yeah, men with good jobs who make you buy your own COFFEE is just the height of patheticness Yuck.

 

I was brought up to believe that when you have money - and you are a man - you should WANT to share it (to an extent I DO NOT expect a guy to splurge on fancy dates when we have only just met)

 

I do not understand the mentality behind men that HAVE money yet go halves on dates which they could well afford. I just don't. I cannot see them as kind or generous men.

 

Why should we have to shave our legs and get damn painful Brazilian waxes, if men was us to be "equals"? Some things are just steeped in tradition - women spend WAYYYYYYYYYY way Moore on cosmetics, facial treatments and looking good than do men!

 

So no, I NEVER feel bad about getting treated to dates. - although I would feel bad about a guy wanting to treat me to a first date - because I do not WANT dinner dates for a good while, until I know we are a match. I am NOT comfortable wasting a mans money, when I am not sure about us yet.

 

I guess some men who are tight wads at heart are the ones who welcome going halves so they can go out and eat the food they want without having to pay for a woman.

 

The decent men I know, refrain from eating out initially and just go for a walk, grab a coffee or an ice cream - rather than having to go on 50 first dates and be 3K out of pocket for them.

[Shining One]

I wish I could take the role and plan the date. It's just funny as these men all want to be traditional and plan the date, pick the location and so on but don't want to pay.

You probably can take the role at least some of the time. You won't know until you try. Speaking for myself, I only take on the role of "date planner" most of the time by necessity. I prefer women who take on that role half the time.