Complicated history, should I message him?

[xaviercross]

I started seeing a guy (we'll call him E) while I was in a toxic non-labeled relationship. I really liked E, but at the time he seemed not interested in anything serious so I didn't make the decision to leave the toxic guy for him (although I tried, the toxic guy fought to stay with me).

 

Fast-forward a few months of drama where E (who decided he did want to date) got stuffed around with me going silent twice on him because I was dealing with the toxic guy and getting overwhelmed with the situation of not choosing between a guy I knew and liked but was bad for me and a guy that seemed to like me but I didn't know very well.

 

Later, the toxic guy found out about E and sent him a message telling him that we were trying to work things out and to leave me alone.

 

E called me and asked me to explain why this guy was messaging him — he kinda knew about the situation as I'd tried to explain but not fully because I got the sense he didn't want to get in too deep with it, and I hadn't been 100% honest. E asked me if "I even liked him/E" and I said I was numb...

 

A month passes without contact while I'm still trying to sort out/get out of this toxic relationship. Finally now, nearly two months later, I have now gone no contact for six days with the toxic guy. I don't miss him and my family says I seem like myself again.

 

I haven't stopped thinking about E and wondering "what if". Thing is, I don't know if I should message him because I'm not sure if I REALLY like him since we didn't get much of a chance to get to know each other. Also I don't want to screw him around more (he might have even moved on and is happy) and I wonder if I should be further into the no contact before I start seeing someone else. Also, I know the toxic guy would be so hurt if I started seeing this guy again.

 

So yeah, just a bunch of confusion. I want to do the right thing, because I really stuffed up early on. Thanks for reading.

[Versacehottie]

i think you need to more than 6 days under your belt than just 6. See if you can at least have a month...or two under your belt--in the meantime, be honest with yourself: make sure that you are not just jumping from guy to guy and are ok with being alone. It's one thing to not want to miss out on a great guy (assuming E is some of that or more) but it's quite another if the reason you want E is too not want to be alone. Check yo' self before you wreck yo' self.

 

Also I hope you have a good explanation as to how toxic got E's contact details. If you had anything to do with it directly--i'd say you need to grow up and sort yourself out and pull yourself away from creating dramatic situations. In other words, if toxic guy creeped into your phone or cell records or email or whatever without your help, knowledge or taunting by you, that's far different than in an effort to appease him or prove something to him, you willing or directly involved E by showing toxic his number or past messages, etc. That's touchy and you shouldn't do that. Good luck. If you can make it a month or two and you had no involvement in how toxic contacted him, yeah you could contact him. Your head will be on straighter by then. And just be honest.

[xaviercross]

Appreciate your time and thoughts Versacehottie. You're probably right about giving myself more time. If we're a good match, another month won't matter.

 

The toxic guy got E's name from looking through my phone when I left it alone. How that happened was also an issue for E, but I couldn't explain, because the toxic guy was at my house when he probably shouldn't have been (I thought I was helping him in a hard time by letting him stay with me when really I was too unsure/weak to tell him to stay with a friend).

[Versacehottie]

Appreciate your time and thoughts Versacehottie. You're probably right about giving myself more time. If we're a good match, another month won't matter.

 

The toxic guy got E's name from looking through my phone when I left it alone. How that happened was also an issue for E, but I couldn't explain, because the toxic guy was at my house when he probably shouldn't have been (I thought I was helping him in a hard time by letting him stay with me when really I was too unsure/weak to tell him to stay with a friend).

 

Thanks! Well good to hear that is how he got that info. (i think!) I think as long as you weren't duping E that he was only one you were dating or that toxic was out of the picture, that you have a chance at a new start with him.

 

Yeah in general 6 days is not insignificant (of course) but it's not significant enough to prove yourself really to a guy that is worthwhile. So if E is a good guy who is worthy of a good relationship and cares about himself and is not just another toxic person, I would guess that he'd want to see that you were really done with the toxic guy. In order to prove that you are, you'd need to show that you've been broken up and not in contact with him at all for a significant amount of time. Like a mature and stable person, worthy of good relationship with her head on straight herself.