VictoriaD Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 hey Love shack Members. I am in such a bad situation. I was free person and never committed to anyone. I always said to my friends they were "stupid" for putting up with guys that treated them badly, and I cut people out of my life like it's nothing. All of a sudden I fell in love and gave my virginity to this guy. I'm 25 years old. He was so perfect but then I realize how toxic the relationship became. I did everything in my power to help him and love him. I did what any loyal good girlfriend would do. I won't get into how it's toxic, but I know he doesn't appreciate me, I know I'm better than him, I know he's callous, I know he's no good and doesn't have the right qualities that I have. Yet, I won't let him go. I fell so in love with him, and I became some of my friends that I called "stupid" for staying with their abusive boyfriends. He's emotionally and mentally abusive, not physical, but still he causes nothing but turmoil in my life. I don't get why I won't boot him? I don't know if it's the loss of my best friend that was everything to me, she died a year ago. I seemed to have latched onto him, but I became something I'm not. I became a victim of abuse and I take it. I know all of this. I'm not justifying him, or making up excuses so what is holding me back from leaving him? I know all of this and yet I can't break it off, no matter how much I try. Please give me your feedback on this because I am.confused about my own self. I don't understand how I went from this free girl that just had fun and dated guys, and didn't care about relationships, and just wanted friends and to do fun things to a desperate woman who is a victim of abuse?. Maybe someone can enlighten me to the situation. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 OP you can't change him. An addict will always put his addiction on the first place. A person who crosses boundaries of abuse will only spiral downwards. Let him go. By staying with him you enable him and damage him further, it is toxic for both of you. There is not such a thing as 'the one'. You'd find your 100% chemistry and compatability again - and hopefully this time with someone emotionally healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 You fell in love with the early version of himself he gave you to get you hooked, and you fell for the person you HOPED he was. But he's not that person and therefore you are not in love with him but just still in love with the fictional guy you hoped he'd be. You need to face this reality and go find your real guy who lives up to your hopes and dreams. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 You fell in love with the early version of himself he gave you to get you hooked, and you fell for the person you HOPED he was. But he's not that person and therefore you are not in love with him but just still in love with the fictional guy you hoped he'd be. You need to face this reality and find your real man who lives up to your hopes and dreams. You lost your virginity to this fictional man. It's no wonder you're attached. If he's abusive, he is not afraid to use the fact that you've lost your virginity to him as a way to keep you hooked and make him feel more entitled over you. It will be hard, but to show that he has no entitlement over you, I would leave him and seek refuge and solace in the arms of trusted friends and family members before you seek professional counselling. None of this is your fault. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Like a drug taker, he's become your personal addiction and no matter how bad it is with him, the thought of not being with him is far to scary to ever let him go. Sadly when you're this addicted to someone, there's no simple fix to get over them. No contact isn't going to cut it here, but it will help. The first step though is saying goodbye and taking back control of your life. Taking yourself back to where you were before he came along. I doubt you can do that alone, so seek out some professional help and advice. Speak to your doctor first who should be able to point you in the right direction. It will be a long journey, but at the end the reward will be worth it. Finally never take this personally. We all make mistakes and so many of us fall for the wrong person, no matter what our age or circumstances. We learn from these mistakes and they make us better people. You'll come out of this better and stronger. All the best and keep posting here as that helps too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 hey Love shack Members. I am in such a bad situation. I was free person and never committed to anyone. I always said to my friends they were "stupid" for putting up with guys that treated them badly, and I cut people out of my life like it's nothing. All of a sudden I fell in love and gave my virginity to this guy. I'm 25 years old. He was so perfect but then I realize how toxic the relationship became. I did everything in my power to help him and love him. I did what any loyal good girlfriend would do. I won't get into how it's toxic, but I know he doesn't appreciate me, I know I'm better than him, I know he's callous, I know he's no good and doesn't have the right qualities that I have. Yet, I won't let him go. I fell so in love with him, and I became some of my friends that I called "stupid" for staying with their abusive boyfriends. He's emotionally and mentally abusive, not physical, but still he causes nothing but turmoil in my life. I don't get why I won't boot him? I don't know if it's the loss of my best friend that was everything to me, she died a year ago. I seemed to have latched onto him, but I became something I'm not. I became a victim of abuse and I take it. I know all of this. I'm not justifying him, or making up excuses so what is holding me back from leaving him? I know all of this and yet I can't break it off, no matter how much I try. Please give me your feedback on this because I am.confused about my own self. I don't understand how I went from this free girl that just had fun and dated guys, and didn't care about relationships, and just wanted friends and to do fun things to a desperate woman who is a victim of abuse?. Maybe someone can enlighten me to the situation. Thank you. Don't worry about "why" for now. Focus on breaking it off and going "No Contact." You can do it even though it might be hard. If you waffle, tell yourself you don't want to be living like this in one year, 5 years, 10 years. If you don't break up with him and get away, you will be living just like this- or worse- for as long as you stay in contact with him. As Daisy-oliviaWentcher said, turn to your friends and family to help you. Then tell him you're breaking up and go NC. Don't expect it to be emotionally easy, but in terms of actions, stick to NC. Tell your support team to be strong with you, for you. You can do this even if it's hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VictoriaD Posted September 8, 2016 Author Share Posted September 8, 2016 Thank you all for the support and feedback. I appreciate it. You all are right when some of you stated that I "fell in love with the fictional image", I did. I had the attitude that for me to commit to a guy, he needs to really be exceptional. He did take the cake. He was so charming, and had so much charisma. I told him I was a Virgin, and at the time I was 24 years old, and he made me feel proud about it, and he said he doesn't care about sex, he only wants to enjoy my company. He did all the right things, and made me feel good, beautiful, and like a princess. He took me on dates for 6 or 7 months, and did all of this, then i gave my virginity to him. Then when we made it official, he completely changed a month later, and stopped doing the "charming" things, and emotionally abused me so bad, and I felt stuck. I don't know why I know he's no good, but I don't get up and walk away. I think I am stuck on the charming boyfriend I had. What he was like at first, is what I fell in love with. If I would've known how cruel and abusive he was, I wouldn't have gave him a second look, and I wouldn't have given a something so special to me....my virginity. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 You're not the first to fall for someone and then for them to change totally. It happens all the time, no matter how old, male or female... sometimes some people are just ****s. Love makes us blind too - we see the problems, the red flags, but chose to ignore them because of how we feel. We also simply don't want to admit to ourselves that we've fallen for a bad egg, so we carry on, no matter how bad things get. Don't beat yourself up over this. Accept that it was he who changed, not you. The guy he was initially is no more. Try to knock his ass of that pedestal and slowly start to accept reality. It sucks, I know, but no one is going to judge you or blame you for what happened. If any of us could detect how people are beyond the image they project then I reckon we'd all be much happier, but that's not how the world is. I'm here now because I fell for someone who turned out to be totally different. Like I said, it happens, and love is blind. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 OK, you really need to just get him out of your life. Make a plan and cut him off. Reconnect with friends. Do you live with him? If not, this is not that difficult, once you commit to doing it. And maybe stop worrying about the whole "gave your virginity" thing. People make this into something bigger than it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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