Found out my gf has had a lot of FWB relationships, am I right to be concerned

[takenawayfrom]

So she had one 5 year relationship, they broke up, then over the course of the next 3 years she says she's had 5 casual or FWB type relationships. Then she was single for a year them she met me.

 

So basically I don't know how I feel but the fact that she was happy to have so much meaningless sex freaks me out, because basically I could never be in a relationship like that, sex is a big deal for me yet for her it's obviously not and I find that quite sad, it makes me question what we have, even though I'm super happy with everything in our relationship and I believe we have a really good thing together.

 

I would talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up without it sounding judgementa, and I do love her so much, I don't want her to think that I don't.

 

I don't know how to deal with these feelings, I've tried not thinking about it but I can't. Also they are all friends of friends and she still sees all of them from time to time, I don't know who any of them are, I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

[doyathinkso]

I fear you are in for a big disappointment with this girl. You and she have very different basic core values. You value sex as the ultimate intimacy and bonding experience. She would appear to value sex as a sweaty sporting experience and of no real importance.

 

Move on before you get too attached and vulnerable. I guarantee you that she will be neither of these things.

[stillafool]

How did you find out? Did she tell you?

[jen1447]

It's obvs you have diff values so that's a major compatibility issue (and you don't get around that by not dealing w the feelings), but I will say that sex isn't necessarily meaningless for ppl who have a lot of it w a variety of partners. It may just be meaningful in a way that's diff than it is for you. Try not to judge.

[central]

Sex can be BOTH a sweaty sporting experience, AND the ultimate intimacy and bonding experience. It depends on WHO it's with, and the circumstances.

 

 

On the plus side, she likes sex and probably has a healthy libido. Only you, OP, can determine if she's also able to deeply love and commit. Aside from that, it's a values judgment whether or not you can accept that sex can - in some circumstances - just be enjoyable. And I really don't think casual FWB sex is meaningless - it's just not romantically bonding. I certainly cared very much for the wonderful friends who were FWB - and are still friends.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I fear you are in for a big disappointment with this girl. You and she have very different basic core values. You value sex as the ultimate intimacy and bonding experience. She would appear to value sex as a sweaty sporting experience and of no real importance.

 

Move on before you get too attached and vulnerable. I guarantee you that she will be neither of these things.

 

Knowing as little as I know about this girl, this would likely be the correct, default decision to make.

 

However, as someone who has had FWB relationships and real, serious, intimate relationships, I can tell you that they are not mutually exclusive. A person can have had and enjoyed both types of relationships. Just because you've done the hookup scene doesn't mean sex within a committed relationship isn't meaningful.

 

I think you should realize that you are not currently her FWB, but her legitimate SO. Don't you think if she only wanted casual sex she would have not given the "okay" on the girlfriend label? If this is a girl you really are serious about and want to stay with, don't just give up so easily because of her past.

 

I would sit down and bring it up in a non-judgemental way. Maybe ask "Are we just FWB or are we in a serious relationship?" rather than asking her about her past guys. And there you will find your answer.

 

If you really do love her, you'll have to find a way to get over the fact that she had meaningless sex with other guys in the past. It's not easy, trust me, it's hard for everyone. But if that is a hard line for you, you might have trouble finding another partner in the future.

[NJ123]

Knowing as little as I know about this girl, this would likely be the correct, default decision to make.

 

However, as someone who has had FWB relationships and real, serious, intimate relationships, I can tell you that they are not mutually exclusive. A person can have had and enjoyed both types of relationships. Just because you've done the hookup scene doesn't mean sex within a committed relationship isn't meaningful.

 

I think you should realize that you are not currently her FWB, but her legitimate SO. Don't you think if she only wanted casual sex she would have not given the "okay" on the girlfriend label? If this is a girl you really are serious about and want to stay with, don't just give up so easily because of her past.

 

I would sit down and bring it up in a non-judgemental way. Maybe ask "Are we just FWB or are we in a serious relationship?" rather than asking her about her past guys. And there you will find your answer.

 

If you really do love her, you'll have to find a way to get over the fact that she had meaningless sex with other guys in the past. It's not easy, trust me, it's hard for everyone. But if that is a hard line for you, you might have trouble finding another partner in the future.

 

If it's hard for everyone, than why do people do it knowing a lot of people won't be happy with it? It's like I get anyone can do what they want, but I guess in that moment their not thinking of what issues it can cause later on by just having constant meaningless sex.

[HumanMachine]

Meaningless sex? She was single and having fun. If she's trustworthy/loyal now you need to get over it asap, as you can't change the past.

[smackie9]

IMO FWB is just a relationship with fuzzy borders. Those were relationships, and they did have some emotions involved. Meaningless sex are booty calls or hitting it and quitting it.

 

It gets to a point where she is done with it and she met the right person. She is in a better place now in her life to be in a relationship. So you have nothing to worry about.

[Heartsalone]

Whatever her reasons for having meaningless sex or FWB relationships has shaped her to be the girl/woman you have obviously grew to love/care about.

 

Your best option is to try to come to terms with it and let the relationship fleurish or if you cantbecause all these ghosts keep apearing as you know them 'friends of friends' then you have to let her go.

 

Honestly you can both have different core beliefs about sex and what that means and still be good for eachother...maybe it took her to mess about a bit to realise what she really wanted and thats brought her to you!think positive

[anonymousbear00101100]

If it's hard for everyone, than why do people do it knowing a lot of people won't be happy with it?

 

I used to be in the same boat until I had my first FWB. Then you realize that it can be totally meaningless with certain people and mean a lot with others. It's hard to grasp, but eventually you may find yourself okay with it the same way I have.

[anonymousbear00101100]

IMO FWB is just a relationship with fuzzy borders.

 

This is perfect

[NJ123]

I used to be in the same boat until I had my first FWB. Then you realize that it can be totally meaningless with certain people and mean a lot with others. It's hard to grasp, but eventually you may find yourself okay with it the same way I have.

 

I think the main thing I'd have a problem with is that she'd still be friends with the other guy & possibly even hanging out with him/texting while knowing they had a lot of sex in the past. Call it insecure or whatever but I think it's a legitimate gripe to have. It's like you'd have to force yourself to be okay with it since if you say anything than it'll come across as you being insecure to her. I'd just personally rather be with someone that's not in contact with anyone they've had sex with in the past whether it's just a friend or ex bfs.

[Gaeta]

Talk to her and tell her what??

 

She cannot undo her FWB to make you feel better.

 

YOU are the only one that can make yourself feel better. If you cannot live with the fact your girlfriend is a sexually liberated woman than move on and find a conservative girlfriend.

 

It's not because sex is sacred for you that her liberal ways are wrong. She is just different.

 

I have had my share of FWB and in NO WAY it diminishes my physical and emotional experience with my boyfriend. They are 2 completely separate experience that cannot be compared.

[NJ123]

Talk to her and tell her what??

 

She cannot undo her FWB to make you feel better.

 

YOU are the only one that can make yourself feel better. If you cannot live with the fact your girlfriend is a sexually liberated woman than move on and find a conservative girlfriend.

 

It's not because sex is sacred for you that her liberal ways are wrong. She is just different.

 

I have had my share of FWB and in NO WAY it diminishes my physical and emotional experience with my boyfriend. They are 2 completely separate experience that cannot be compared.

 

With FWBs do you normally keep in contact with them after the FWB relationship is over? Or do you just move on? Just something I'm curious about myself.

[Gaeta]

With FWBs do you normally keep in contact with them after the FWB relationship is over? Or do you just move on? Just something I'm curious about myself.

 

Depends on the fwb. The occasional fwb I would end all contact. If they contact me now I tell them I am in a relationship and not interested in keeping in touch.

 

One of them our fwb lasted 1 year then followed by a friendship over 3 years. We keep in touch every few months like every 2-3 months I get a phone call, we update each other on the kids, work, stuff. He knows I am in a relationship and he is happy for me. No I don't have him on FB, or any of my short term fwb. It would be a disrespect to my BF, even if my FB is not on FB.

 

I would also never mentioned to my BF I had fwb. If he asked me the question directly I would tell him the truth but I would never volunteer the information. I am old enough and experienced enough to know a BF don't want to hear his GF talk about sex before him.

[NJ123]

Depends on the fwb. The occasional fwb I would end all contact. If they contact me now I tell them I am in a relationship and not interested in keeping in touch.

 

One of them our fwb lasted 1 year then followed by a friendship over 3 years. We keep in touch every few months like every 2-3 months I get a phone call, we update each other on the kids, work, stuff. He knows I am in a relationship and he is happy for me. No I don't have him on FB, or any of my short term fwb. It would be a disrespect to my BF, even if my FB is not on FB.

 

I would also never mentioned to my BF I had fwb. If he asked me the question directly I would tell him the truth but I would never volunteer the information. I am old enough and experienced enough to know a BF don't want to hear his GF talk about sex before him.

 

True, I'd say that's fair enough. Does your b/f know of this guy you chat with every few months though? Or I assume he does but just doesn't know you had sex with him? I was talking to some woman through online dating last month flat out tell me that her last relationship was a FWB. I was pretty surprised that she would admit to it without ever even meeting me first.

[Gaeta]

True, I'd say that's fair enough. Does your b/f know of this guy you chat with every few months though? Or I assume he does but just doesn't know you had sex with him? I was talking to some woman through online dating last month flat out tell me that her last relationship was a FWB. I was pretty surprised that she would admit to it without ever even meeting me first.

 

I would not call it chatting. He calls me, we speak 5-7 minutes. He told me he bought a motorcycle, I told him my kid had graduated, he asked if I am still happy with BF, I said I was over the moon. It was it.

 

No, I don't repeat this to my BF but I don't hide it either. It's useless information to me, and I am pretty sure it's useless information to him as well.

 

I think every situation calls for some judgement.

 

This man was my fwb for 1 year, then my friend for 3 years (with no sex). I think he qualifies more as a friend than anything else.

[Gr8fuln2020]

IMO FWB is just a relationship with fuzzy borders. Those were relationships, and they did have some emotions involved. Meaningless sex are booty calls or hitting it and quitting it.

 

It gets to a point where she is done with it and she met the right person. She is in a better place now in her life to be in a relationship. So you have nothing to worry about.

 

I don't entirely disagree, but no one knows for certain.

 

Well, OP, your answer to your question is YES...maybe.

 

It really depends on the circumstances of the FWB relationships. You obviously don't know what really happened and how they ended, but you would be foolish to not be a little observant. Was she in a bad place? Is she now in a good place? I wouldn't be dismissive of this fact, but yeah, how did you find out?

[NJ123]

I would not call it chatting. He calls me, we speak 5-7 minutes. He told me he bought a motorcycle, I told him my kid had graduated, he asked if I am still happy with BF, I said I was over the moon. It was it.

 

No, I don't repeat this to my BF but I don't hide it either. It's useless information to me, and I am pretty sure it's useless information to him as well.

 

I think every situation calls for some judgement.

 

This man was my fwb for 1 year, then my friend for 3 years (with no sex). I think he qualifies more as a friend than anything else.

 

Him still asking if you're still happy with the BF is a bit concerning to me in terms of what his motives are though unless it's taken out of context. It just seems like if the opportunity arose he'd still want to see you again.

[smackie9]

Just my opinion, but she doesn't need to be hanging with an old fling one on one or text daily.

 

That's what happens when you move on and get into a committed relationship...you set different boundaries. You are not single anymore, so your life/situation changes and adjusts accordingly out of respect for your partner and the relationship.

[Gaeta]

Him still asking if you're still happy with the BF is a bit concerning to me in terms of what his motives are though unless it's taken out of context. It just seems like if the opportunity arose he'd still want to see you again.

 

Him and l had a 4 year discusion on why we cannot be and official couple. We put it to rest a long time ago. I think he is asking out of concern like my female friends are often asking how is my relationship.

 

Important to note l do not discuss details of my relationship with him.

 

I also think our friendship will slowly dissipate. Which is sad but my bf is more important.

[No_Go]

I think this is jumping to very strong conclusions without knowing any details.

 

Maybe the woman (oh I'm so sick of referring to old-as** women as girls) didn't see a marriage potential in her 5 'FWB' relationships and that's why she referred to them as so.

 

I had one 'FWB' arrangement. I wonder shall I refer to it like that - but I knew this is not going to be something to last from day 1 (because of age, cultural, social etc differences). And I admit I was in love with someone else back then (yet completely platonic, but made me numb to the rest of the world). So this guy was the first man that I had sex with, I was the first woman that he introduced to his family (that I helped him reconnect with after 20+ years of separation). We had a connection, just not a potential for 'real' LTR/marriage. So we met primarily for sex most of the 1.5 years that we interacted.

 

Btw I also do NOT view sex as a 'sweaty sport' nor as a 'bonding intimacy'. I view it as a biological function that should be treated with responsibility.

 

So back to OP's GF - who the heck knows what HER 'FWB's were... But it is oh so easy to judge her...

 

I fear you are in for a big disappointment with this girl. You and she have very different basic core values. You value sex as the ultimate intimacy and bonding experience. She would appear to value sex as a sweaty sporting experience and of no real importance.

 

Move on before you get too attached and vulnerable. I guarantee you that she will be neither of these things.

[JoeSmith357-1]

You have every right to be concerned... these FWB's will keep coming back around trolling for sex from your GF. And chances are she has no boundaries.

 

So bang, you are in an open relationship and didn't even know it. She's having unprotected sex and you have an STD.

 

Dump this one

[takenawayfrom]

I fear you are in for a big disappointment with this girl. You and she have very different basic core values. You value sex as the ultimate intimacy and bonding experience. She would appear to value sex as a sweaty sporting experience and of no real importance.

 

Move on before you get too attached and vulnerable. I guarantee you that she will be neither of these things.

 

Sex wise you may be correct but there's no doubt that there's more between us than just sex. Most notably we've both said we love each other, I said it first but she said she was hoping for weeks that I would say it. Additionally, she said she's only told one person that previously, her long term ex. So yeah we aren't in that kind of relationship I'm very very certain of that.