Are there ways to say certain things without outright lying during dating?

[NJ123]

I'm just wondering is it ever okay to kind of lie or at least work around having to say something that would probably be a turnoff about certain things? For instance in my case is there a way to work around having to flat out say I'm inexperienced but to say it in a way where it's not an outright lie but is maybe a white lie or isn't lying in the way you say it? I'm just asking since I just got unmatched by a woman for saying I didn't live on my own yet after she asked. How could I have worked around that without actually lying where they wouldn't have gotten turned off?

[Tahirthegreat]

Tell her that you have room mates and they dont like having other people come by the house.

[smackie9]

Lying is not a solution, but moving out on your own is. Making changes will have a more positive affect. make sure you have your s&*% together before looking for a GF.

Edited September 4, 2016 by smackie9

[NJ123]

Lying is not a solution, but moving out on your own is. Making changes will have a more positive affect. make sure you have your s&*% together before looking for a GF.

 

lol see exactly this is my point. Just so judgmental before literally knowing one thing about me. And I didn't say to lie but maybe just a white lie where it's nothing bad or to work around having to say something that would possibly be a turn off.

Edited September 4, 2016 by NJ123

[SwordofFlame]

Well they're going to find out eventually anyway, so you may as well just be honest from the start. Unless of course you want to lie so they hook up with you. I don't have any advice for that.

[NJ123]

Well they're going to find out eventually anyway, so you may as well just be honest from the start. Unless of course you want to lie so they hook up with you. I don't have any advice for that.

 

So you're saying it wouldn't even be okay to say certain things where I'm not outright lying? I just feel unless I tell them my entire life story right away they're going to be extremely judgmental about certain things.

[Satu]

This is the best piece of advice that anyone will ever give you:

 

 

Be exactly the same person on the outside, that you are on the inside.

 

 

Never lie, or pretend anything.

 

Authenticity is something that everybody likes and respects.

 

Dishonesty is something that nobody likes.

 

 

Take care.

[NJ123]

This is the best piece of advice that anyone will ever give you:

 

 

Be exactly the same person on the outside, that you are on the inside.

 

 

Never lie, or pretend anything.

 

Authenticity is something that everybody likes and respects.

 

Dishonesty is something that nobody likes.

 

 

Take care.

 

True. I just feel people are always so judgmental though. Even a woman I could have went on a date with a few weeks ago kept wondering why I was inexperienced. She would make jokes about it where she was just joking but it honestly still bothered me a bit. We didn't go out due to a few other reasons though. But I just feel time is running out for me to meet someone & the possibility of me ending up alone is realistic to happen.

[Satu]

True. I just feel people are always so judgmental though. Even a woman I could have went on a date with a few weeks ago kept wondering why I was inexperienced. She would make jokes about it where she was just joking but it honestly still bothered me a bit. We didn't go out due to a few other reasons though. But I just feel time is running out for me to meet someone & the possibility of me ending up alone is realistic to happen.

 

The right woman for you, won't care.

[central]

Honesty is always best, but it's not always necessary or wise to reveal everything right away. Increasing levels of disclosure come with increasing levels of trust and intimacy.

[NJ123]

The right woman for you, won't care.

 

Perhaps, but where am I going to find such a person is the question.

[Satu]

The real issue here is about how you feel about yourself.

 

You are looking down on yourself because you're inexperienced, and don't have your own place.

 

You have decided that that makes you less attractive than others.

 

You have to like yourself more than that.

 

Telling lies is never the solution to anything.

[Satu]

Perhaps, but where am I going to find such a person is the question.

 

You'll find them in a place where you're truthful about yourself.

[NJ123]

The real issue here is about how you feel about yourself.

 

You are looking down on yourself because you're inexperienced, and don't have your own place.

 

You have decided that that makes you less than others.

 

You have to like yourself more than that.

 

Telling lies is never the solution to anything.

 

Well, having my own place doesn't really bother me that much. It is what it is. I live in one of the top 5 most expensive states in the U.S. so it's going to be way more difficult for me to move out than the vast majority. And I'd never outright lie, but the topic was mainly about how to maybe work around things without lying.

[Satu]

Well, having my own place doesn't really bother me that much. It is what it is. I live in one of the top 5 most expensive states in the U.S. so it's going to be way more difficult for me to move out than the vast majority. And I'd never outright lie, but *the topic was mainly about how to maybe work around things without lying.

 

You don't need to "work around these things."

 

That need exists only in your own mind.

 

"These things" are not wrong or shameful.

 

You just think that they are.

[NJ123]

You don't need to "work around these things."

 

That need exists only in your own mind.

 

"These things" are not wrong or shameful.

 

You just think that they are.

 

I suppose so, but it always just seems people will be judgmental about it. There's reasons for why I'm inexperienced which is another whole thing about me that I have to worry about being judged on.

[BaileyB]

You need to be honest, the person you date will find out eventually.

 

What's more important is why... If you are going to school, if you have a plan to move out, if you have a plan for your life - tell the woman that. It will not matter as much. But, women are rightfully going to be concerned if they are dating a guy who lives at home, doesn't have a job, and doesn't have any plans for the future. THIS, is what we screen for...

[BaileyB]

There's reasons for why I'm inexperienced which is another whole thing about me that I have to worry about being judged on.

 

Would it be fair to say that this is actually your real concern... and the reason why you are insecure and sensitive to judgment.

[Satu]

I suppose so, but it always just seems people will be judgmental about it. There's reasons for why I'm inexperienced which is another whole thing about me that I have to worry about being judged on.

 

This is all about what you think about yourself.

 

Its got absolutely nothing to do with other people.

 

Once you accept that, your life will change for the better.

 

To be blunt, you have decided that you are 'not good enough.'

 

Nobody else has said that to you, but you keep telling it to yourself, and it makes you feel hopeless.

 

Try telling yourself something like this:

 

 

"I am good person, and I am good enough just the way I am."

 

 

The reason I suggest that you do this is because its true.

 

What you currently saying to yourself isn't true.

 

 

Take care.

[SammySammy]

The people judging you were once inexperienced too. Or still are.

 

Learn to ignore certain people and not let their opinions affect your life.

[marxman2015]

I am inexperienced too, I have never had a gf

 

I used to make them guess my number of past relationships, they would guess a big number, but then I would never give them an accurate ans, and they seem to go along with it

 

Now I just want to be genuine, I tell them directly I never had a gf and that it is because I am quite picky, the woman is not turned off at all.

 

Just be genuine.

[Sunlight72]

Well, having my own place doesn't really bother me that much. It is what it is. I live in one of the top 5 most expensive states in the U.S. so it's going to be way more difficult for me to move out than the vast majority. And I'd never outright lie, but the topic was mainly about how to maybe work around things without lying.

From out here (outside of your mind) it sounds like you need to explain the reasons why you are the way you are. The only real reason to need to do that is because you are not proud of who you are.

 

The solution is to decide who you want to be, and over the next 18 months (and onward into the rest of your life) become that person

 

If you want to live out of your parents' house, you can. There are room mates, there is college with dormitories, there is the military with military housing, you can become a park ranger and request assignments that include housing, you can get work on a cruise ship, you can join the Peace Corps, you can get work at a resort, you could study and then teach English as a second language in South America or Europe or Asia. There are super cool things to do that will get you out of your parents' house.

 

This is how most life situations are. You can focus yourself on becoming a new person, living a new life.

 

That is what you should put your energy into, not figuring out how to blur womens' impression of you.

 

The reason many women are unimpressed and judgemental about your life choices to this point are that they would like to meet someone who takes the effort to make their own life go somewhere.

 

I expect you do the same thing (so do I, so do most all people). Creative, ambitious people are more interesting and more fun, and draw more people to them.

 

Be someone you are proud of

 

And "It is what it is" is not being proud of who you are.

[NJ123]

I am inexperienced too, I have never had a gf

 

I used to make them guess my number of past relationships, they would guess a big number, but then I would never give them an accurate ans, and they seem to go along with it

 

Now I just want to be genuine, I tell them directly I never had a gf and that it is because I am quite picky, the woman is not turned off at all.

 

Just be genuine.

 

Is being quite picky the genuine reason for why you never had a g/f though? Or is it the thing to say so they don't get turned off? I'm honestly picky myself when it comes to physical attraction I have to admit, but it's not the main reason I've never had a g/f before though.

[NJ123]

Would it be fair to say that this is actually your real concern... and the reason why you are insecure and sensitive to judgment.

 

It's definitely part of it of course. There's a lot of really deep personal things I've have to tell a potential partner which I'd be worried would scare them off. Feel I have to overcome a lot of obstacles of things I've had to tell them for them to even want to get serious with me. Than I also have to factor in the things that are deal breakers for me as well when it comes to them. It just seems like it's going to be almost impossible to meet someone for a relationship due to so many different variables.

Edited September 4, 2016 by NJ123

[Sunlight72]

It's definitely part of it of course. There's a lot of really deep personal things I've have to tell a potential partner which I'd be worried would scare them off. Feel I have to overcome a lot of obstacles of things I've had to tell them for them to even want to get serious with me. Than I also have to factor in the things that are deal breakers for me as well when it comes to them. It just seems like it's going to be almost impossible to meet someone for a relationship due to so many different variables.

Um,.....

in your original post you said you hadn't been on a date with a few women who were "judgemental" of you and wouldn't date you... But you hadn't actually met them in person or gone on a date.

 

You're getting waaay too far into discussions with people before meeting. You shouldn't be conversing this much before meeting once.

 

And you shouldn't be counting them out with dealbreakers popping up so frequently until you've met them. You're making it very serious much too early.

 

First just meet someone you'd like to spend 10 minutes with, and spend the 10 minutes.