Should I tell him how I feel?

[pennyflower]

I met the most wonderful guy a few months ago. For context, I'm 26 and he's 30. We were working at a hospital together, and as we both lived 45 minutes from work we started carpooling, and after a few weeks we starting hanging out outside of work. One morning, after a night shift, he kissed me. We were together almost every day until he left. He was (is) kind and warm and genuine. I felt understood by him - it felt easy to be around him, and he spoke about things I'd thought about but struggled to articulate to other people. I made him laugh - like, really laugh. The sex was amazing. He felt familiar in a way I can't explain. I remember thinking, this is real and important, even if it's temporary. It felt different to things I've had with guys in the past. It was wonderful in so many ways - except the timing.

 

He has a contract at another hospital for 6 months - the hospital is five hours from where I live. We keep in touch. He's visited for a weekend and is planning to come up for another one next week. If he was definitely moving back here after the 6 months, I feel certain that we'd start a relationship. The problem is - he probably isn't.

 

Before we met, he had planned to leave the city and go somewhere else. He moved here from the UK five years ago and was starting to look at going back home to build his career, or move to another country. He still hasn't made any concrete plans about what to do next year, and we haven't had any conversation about "us" (if such a thing exists) or the likelihood that he'll stay here.

 

I just got offered what is essentially my dream job here next year, and other family circumstances mean that I'm not inclined to move right now. I would be willing to move in one year's time, but not right now. I recognise that it isn't fair for me to expect him to stay here for me when I wouldn't be willing to move elsewhere for him...

 

BUT I really wish he would stay. I think we'd be great. This feels like one of those things that doesn't come around very often and I don't want to let it go. My instinct is telling me to try to hold onto it, but my rational mind is telling me to just let it play out. As a girl, I've always been taught that "if he likes you, he'll make the move" and the smarter, more attractive thing is to wait patiently without seeming too available. But I'm afraid that if I say nothing, he'll leave.

I also don't want to spend the next six months in limbo.

 

A conversation needs to be had - I know. But my question is - how? Do I just put everything on the line and deal with the consequences? I guess, at least that way I can start moving on rather than wasting 6 months hoping. But I'm afraid of acting prematurely - should I just wait for him to bring it up? What would you say if you were me?

[bummer]

That's a tough situation, no doubt. Honesty and tact are key.

 

Some probing questions. Outside carpooling and hooking up, were you two dating? Meet friends together? Act like a couple? Go out for dinner? If no, you should think really hard what his intentions are.

 

As a guy who travelled and thought casual relationships were cool, I'd guess he is just enjoying your company without serious plans to settle. Your synopsis reads as such.

 

If true, you'll give yourself much more heartache chasing him or moving to be nearer to him. Focus on your dream job and family, keep yourself available if he returns and approach the topic then. Not before. Dot wait in limbo. You should be dating or moving on as if he's never returning. When he does, your rational mind will win and if he makes a stronger move you'll both relish the subtle return of the romance rather than you blubbering how he's perfect like a hot mess.

 

A 30 year old traveling doc is a catch. He doesn't want to be caught right now. A good fisherwoman trawls slow and knows how to set the hook and reel without losing the catch.

Edited August 27, 2016 by bummer