Thegirlnextdoor1001 Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Hi guys, My dad convinced me to make an account on this site... So maybe a young girl could get some love advice, since I somehow manage to mess up all my relationships. Where do I start? I'm dating a guy.. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks/ month, and he's great... We don't see each other as much as I'd like because he does live about half an hour away from me, and we have very conflicting work schedules. We see each other about 2 days out of the week, ideally, I'd like to see him everyday, of course.. But I feel like he doesn't make as much effort as me, and I haven't been over to his place yet, he's always here or we are out somewhere. My problem is that, I've been cheated on and hit, and a ton of awful things from very awful boyfriends. I've dated the physical abuser, all the way to the drug addict... He's so great... But I'm terrified, he will get frustrated at me sometimes, when I bring up tho ha about "his other girlfriend", which he insists over and over again that he doesn't have, but how do I know that? How can I just trust someone again? What if he stays a night with me and then goes home to some other girl the next night? If you can't tell, I over think. Any help would be amazing. Thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 The short answer is to stop being insecure. If you're going to date, you have to accept the possibility that you'll end up being heartbroken at some point but that doesn't mean you have to freak out about it if nothing is going wrong. I think those inner issues are something you have to work on by yourself or in therapy with a professional. If he works, it's unreasonable to expect to see him everyday. Even if he didn't work, it's still a bit much. Have you ever asked to go over to his place? Does he have roommates? I think you can ask questions without coming off as overbearing if you want to. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 By worrying about problems you have no proof of, you will actually make that thing happen, because no one wants to be harangued about cheating if they're not cheating. You've had some bad experiences young and I'm sorry for that. We all have them eventually, but they're never easy and sometimes it is hard to trust. But if you are going to have a chance of a good relationship, you have to give them your trust to make it work. Now, this does not mean that you put on blinders and refuse to see obvious signs that they're seeing someone else. But you have nothing on this guy. Insecurity and clinginess is very unattractive, so don't act that way! It just comes off as desperate. Always remember that if a person wants to cheat, they can be with you every day and then it only takes 15 minutes to hookup with someone at a hotel room at any point in the day if that's what they want to do. There is zero point in monitoring and questioning someone unless you have a real reason to do so, like some woman called or someone saw him. I mean, let's say he just suddenly stops contacting you. Is he seeing someone? Maybe but it's really irrelevant because what matters is he's not seeing you. The part about he's seeing someone else is secondary. Don't go looking for trouble. The guy is working hard. My friend started dating someone (we're older) and he nearly killed her just wanting to see her both days of the weekend, because she works all week hard and on Friday she just wants to come home and put her feet up and not see anyone at all. That's how it is with hard working people with busy lives. Twice a week is a good dating speed. Many people only see them once a week. When I was dating, it was usually once a week for real dates and then socializing with friends a day or two if I had the time. He'll get tired of you nagging him and leave you. And be careful what you think you want! Because do you want a guy who isn't working or isn't working much and has no money for dates at all, just so he can be more available to you? If so, that's not smart. Please just relax and enjoy him when he's available. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 He's happy with two days a week and you want everyday. Read the book Attached. Your styles don't match unfortunately, so either talk about it and see if you can compromise or move forward without him. Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 All of us have been through someone who did us wrong at some level, but we have to learn to let that not affect our current relationship. Yes, it's not easy. But it's necessary. Else problems that doesn't even exist will start to take place and you know where this will end. I must ask though: are you guys exclusive? If you don't see any sign of it going bad, then just let it be. Find something to occupy your mind whenever these insecurity thoughts appear. He did nothing wrong, therefore it's all on your side. Sure though, with more time, you'll get to know him better and trusting won't be an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 You've been treated badly in the past by men. Your boyfriend is not them. He is his own person. Your boyfriend sounds like a hard worker and by your own words he is "great". You need to know that there truly are guys out there who are decent, kind, trustworthy, faithful, and have high standards for themselves. Does he have these traits in other areas of his life? If so, you likely have found a guy who is faithful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 My problem is that, I've been cheated on and hit, and a ton of awful things from very awful boyfriends. I've dated the physical abuser, all the way to the drug addict... He's so great... But I'm terrified, he will get frustrated at me sometimes, when I bring up tho ha about "his other girlfriend", which he insists over and over again that he doesn't have, but how do I know that? How can I just trust someone again? What if he stays a night with me and then goes home to some other girl the next night? If you can't tell, I over think. Any help would be amazing. Thank you all! I fear that your picker is off... and that all of the guys you are likely to fall-for have in common that you selected them. Though I have to admit that it is a pleasant surprise that your father cared enough to direct you toward this website. For it is a good thing when a young woman has a decent relationship with her father, and it is not too often the case among those whose (mate) picker is off. If this were Doctor Drew hearing/reading your words, he would say: "when you reeeeeeeeeeally like a guy, do not trust your pickers at that point... instead, date the guys who you have only a mild draw to (because the ones you really dig, are bound to be from the same, common cloth as before)". (and those guys are out there, too... and you'll find them... the ones to whom you are not head-over-heels for in the beginning... but THEY, and not the ones with the abusive traits to which you are likely drawn, will be most steady and reliable over the long, long haul) So maybe the guys in the background... any so bold as to ask you out... accept their invites... without thinking you need to wait for the ones you've been pining hard for since 7th grade. (and I know it isn't easy to ignore that force within you that might want to bed all of those bad boys...) (but at least try it for your own good) Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Ok I’m going to come completely out of left field here, I’m not attacking or judging just an observation. All of us learn on this site, reading and absorbing the advice here is valuable, it is a good resource. Having said that I could not get past this… My dad convinced me to make an account on this site... Followed by… I somehow manage to mess up all my relationships. I feel like he doesn't make as much effort as me, I've been cheated on and hit, and a ton of awful things from very awful boyfriends. I've dated the physical abuser, all the way to the drug addict... I don’t know what you relationship is with your dad, our relationship patterns come from our relationship role models growing up. You need to explore this because if your dad told you to come here and solicit advice from non-profession strangers, that is a problem. While the vast majority of people here sharing advice to you are indeed looking at helping they can’t solve what is going on much deeper. If you can seek get professional help do that... you must unlearn what you have learned that keeps you going into seriously dysfunctional relationships. Examine where you got that mindset and you will learn to heal and avoid. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thegirlnextdoor1001 Posted August 25, 2016 Author Share Posted August 25, 2016 Oops, there's something I may have forgotten to put in the first post. Actually, my dad has been excellent my whole life, I mean, we got into argument of course, but it wasn't him that messed me up. I pretty much, have no idea who my mother is, which would explain the abandonment issues I guess... I'm always afraid of being left, and someone just not wanting me anymore. He stayed over last night, and it was great, we always have a great time with each other, but when he woke up for work, I woke up too, I looked and saw him on his phone, typing out a couple of long messages. I didn't read them, and I didn't look through his phone while he was asleep, even though I wanted too so bad.. I don't know why I keep over thinking this... I don't want to be like this anymore because this is quite possibly the best relationship I've ever had Link to post Share on other sites
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