Should I reconsider my decision and give him another chance?

[mrisa792]

So I've dated this guy for 3 months. Before I get into details my last relationship was last year and I haven't dated anyone seriously until I met this guy. So we dated and everything seemed perfect. Same birthday, good chemistry, such a sweet and nice caring guy, also a gentleman (pull my chair out for me, held me and my hands, open the car door for me) I was able to be myself around him and be comfortable. After a month of dating I caught him on a dating app. We talked about it, not going to lie I even cried. He told me he was unsure because he is military, gets out and he plans on moving back home. I told him I wouldn't mind moving back with him.

 

After that situation we continued to talk everyday and hangout every weekend. The chemistry was soo good and like I said I was able to be myself. He never really showed any emotions and it was frustrating. I would bring up our status and he would discuss it would me. He was always honest and straight forward and even though I didn't get my answer he always communicated with me.

 

There's was a night where he told me he was going to do some thinking and that he was going to let me know by the weekend what he was going to do. He ended up telling that he was "leaning on being in a relationship with me" it made me feel like crap but I didn't tell him how I felt right there. That weekend we went and dis our separate things and went out with our friends. Met up and got into an arguement. It was nasty because we were both drunk. I left and he ended up meeting me in person (paid $80 for a taxi to find me). We kiss and made up

 

He told me to come down for the 4th of July and I told him that it wasn't a good idea. After talking to my mom and step sister they convinced me because they noticed that this was the happiest I've been in a LOMG time. So we hung and from the 4th to our bday which was July 7th.

 

He went out that weekend with his friends to celebrate his bday weekend. Next weekend was my turn to celebrate with friends. In between time he told me that since he liked me and cared about me he had to tell me something. He told me he was in a fake marriage with a friend back home. He told me his reasons, said his friend is pregnant with her boyfriend.

 

After that and my bday celebration the following week I decided to call it quits because at the time I didn't know how I felt due to not knowing where I stood at. He called crying and poured his emotions out. After that I told him. I and that I was done he showed up days later with flowers (i wasn't home so he talked to my mom). Told him I felt he same and he said that he respected my decision. 2 weeks with NC he reached out telling me he misses me and that he would like for a second chance show he can me that he wants this to work out. Told him I'll think about and I'll let him know next week. Since then he has sent me messages every other day saying "good morning have a good day and be safe". He called next Friday and I told him "no" to the second chance . He said that he understands and that he will pray for me asking god to give me what I'm looking for and that I can become a cop. Haven't heard from him in 2 weeks since.

Edited August 24, 2016 by mrisa792

[PogoStick]

1. This is your 1st relationship. Why go back to the only failed relationship of your life?

 

2. As an experienced adult reading your story: It's obvious both of you are immature and having an immature relationship. You're bad at communicating, treating each other with respect, establishing healthy boundaries, etc.

 

Answer: You should end this. Go no contact (not your fake no contact). You have a lot of growing to do. Going back to this relationship will not help you do that. You need to move forward and learn how to have a mature, healthy relationship with someone new.

[mrisa792]

You make some good points...

 

1. This isn't my first relationship

 

2. I get where you're coming from, we both are pretty mature for our age but we did show signs of immaturity. Do you think that me dumping him and him making those attempts only after 3 months of dating shows something? Like, do you think this phase is making him mature and realize that if I give him another chance then he'll be even better?!

 

3. He was honest, straight forward and broke trust through honesty. Treated me with respect and like a gentleman. I treated him with respect and at all that good stuff to. We both made time for each other every weekend.

 

 

I feel like the good out weighs the bad. Do you think this space could make us both better? So if we give each other any shot wouldn't it be even better than before?

[spiderowl]

He treated you well but it is of some concern that he did not disclose the fake marriage earlier. Also, how do you know it is fake? The woman back home might be under the impression he is her true love and husband? Somehow you need to know what is really going on there - how, I don't know.

 

There is so much that is tenuous that it seems a very risky situation - the fake marriage, the being 'in the military'. Where is 'home' for him and do you really want to move there? What about the fake marriage over there? How will you deal with that? It doesn't sound like he would be in a position to marry you if he has to keep this cover-up going.

 

I guess he could have been a bit undecided at first because of his situation but please tread carefully here. There are too many unanswered questions.

[mrisa792]

Well yes he was undecided in the first month. He always told me that if wouldn't want to waste his time so he wouldn't waste my time. He told me how he handles his dating process to. I just didn't want to get hurt or waste my time you know.

 

As far as the marriage he told me he did it to help mom out with money. He did tell me that the reason why he joined the army was so that he can be in better position in the future to take care of his mom. He told me that his friend was pregnant, had a boyfriend and that her and him never had a relationship. They look at each other as siblings. Also he told me that I can speak to her and his mother about the situation and he showed me a picture of her. He said that he wanted me to know through him and not through anyone else. He also said that if he was really marry then how was he able to spend time with me for 4 days without hearing from his wife. Also no pictures of the 2 on social media.

 

When we spoke 2 weeks ago he did mention about college not going according to plan back home and that Denver was willing to cooperate.

Edited August 24, 2016 by mrisa792

[kendahke]

He told me he was in a fake marriage with a friend back home. He told me his reasons, said his friend is pregnant with her boyfriend.

 

What is a "fake marriage"? Does he have an executed marriage license? If he does, then he's not available... in fact, until this pregnant friend of his is sorted, he's not available because fake or not, he's committed himself to fulfilling a role and his fake wife may not be down with him abandoning her and her baby. And it doesn't matter what she or his mom have to say about the matter.

[mrisa792]

What is a "fake marriage"? Does he have an executed marriage license? If he does, then he's not available... in fact, until this pregnant friend of his is sorted, he's not available because fake or not, he's committed himself to fulfilling a role and his fake wife may not be down with him abandoning her and her baby. And it doesn't matter what she or his mom have to say about the matter.

 

They got married so he can make extra money. Reason for that was because his mother struggles financially. He told me that His is only do this till he gets out of the military.

[kendahke]

They got married so he can make extra money. Reason for that was because his mother struggles financially. He told me that His is only do this till he gets out of the military.

 

So, the marriage isn't fake. It's a legally recognized-by-the-state union which will require going to court to dissolve it.

 

He's a married man. Are you that girl who gets involved with married men?

[mrisa792]

Yes that is true but after discussing it with my mother she told me that she knows plenty of people I the military that does this method. At first I thought it was weird. By law and on paper he is "married" but he is really single, make sense?

[pteromom]

This is a HIGHLY shady situation. Fake marriage? With a pregnant woman? As her HUSBAND, he will be this baby's legal FATHER. Also, he was on a dating app a month into a new relationship?

 

Nahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... you can do better than this.

 

You can't just go on feelings and chemistry and "happiness" when you are together. You have to weigh a person's circumstances and integrity and how compatible your lives are.

 

Look into the future of this relationship. Your dude will be paying child support to his "fake" wife for his "fake" child, while he comes home to you then sneaks to the computer to look for dates.

 

Nah.

 

Next.

[pteromom]

Yes that is true but after discussing it with my mother she told me that she knows plenty of people I the military that does this method. At first I thought it was weird. By law and on paper he is "married" but he is really single, make sense?

 

He is MARRIED until he is DIVORCED.

 

"Fake" or not, he is unavailable.

 

At best, this shows how little he thinks of marriage and the vows he lied about.

[mrisa792]

You make excellent points and give good advice. Yes, he didntold me he was on dating apps and why. We were never really in a relationship. This was within the first month of dating. I never really discussed it with him to get a divorce. He did post on Instagram that he was going back home. Someone asked "why" and his response was "to take care of something" could this be a sign?

 

I do have to respect that he was always honest and straight forward. He didn't have to tell me about the marriage but guess what he did? Why? Idk but he did. After we stop talking he did make attempts, why? Idk the answer to that.

[PogoStick]

If his marriage is just a citizenship scam then it's not a fake marriage, its "fraudulent", meaning it's illegal, meaning he's a criminal. Now, it may seem small to you, and the chance of him getting caught is small, but do you really want to get involved with someone who could get wrapped up in serious legal trouble?

 

Second, how can you be sure he's just not cheating on his real wife? Will he let you call, or even meet her to verify this? Of course, why would she admit that its fraudulent? You could be some undercover cop trying to bust her, so how are you going to get the truth...?

 

Third, why bother with any of this mess in the first place? Go to college and find a boyfriend there. Or at your work. Or through one of your friends.

 

There are 3 billion men on the planet. There's at least one more guy out there for you to start a relationship with!

[carlosb7792]

If his marriage is just a citizenship scam then it's not a fake marriage, its "fraudulent", meaning it's illegal, meaning he's a criminal. Now, it may seem small to you, and the chance of him getting caught is small, but do you really want to get involved with someone who could get wrapped up in serious legal trouble?

 

Second, how can you be sure he's just not cheating on his real wife? Will he let you call, or even meet her to verify this? Of course, why would she admit that its fraudulent? You could be some undercover cop trying to bust her, so how are you going to get the truth...?

 

Third, why bother with any of this mess in the first place? Go to college and find a boyfriend there. Or at your work. Or through one of your friends.

 

There are 3 billion men on the planet. There's at least one more guy out there for you to start a relationship with!

 

 

You're putting way too much thought I got this. Do us a favor and go to sleep. At the end of the day you did caught him on tinder and the marriage thing but what did you do to fix it? Do you try to make an agreement or truce? No so become better at communicating.

 

At the end of the day he didn't have to tell so the fact that he did means something. If you date a guy for a couple of months and call it quits 9/10 times they'll move on. So said he bought you flowers and made numerous attempts that he didn't have to do so that means something.

 

I guarantee if you reach out to him and tell him "hey I'm willing to work this but you have to remove tinder and get a divorce" I'm sure he will do it. It takes 2 to tango sweetie so go tango with that man. I meant plenty of people in the military that does "contract" marriages. It's just an agreement between 2 people that's all it is.

 

"Forget All The Reasons Why It Won’t Work And Believe The One Reason Why It Will"

[Gr8fuln2020]

After a month of dating I caught him on a dating app. We talked about it, not going to lie I even cried. He told me he was unsure because he is military, gets out and he plans on moving back home. I told him I wouldn't mind moving back with him.

 

Only after a month and you're thinking about moving with him???!! What???!!

 

After that situation we continued to talk everyday and hangout every weekend. The chemistry was soo good and like I said I was able to be myself. He never really showed any emotions and it was frustrating. I would bring up our status and he would discuss it would me. He was always honest and straight forward and even though I didn't get my answer he always communicated with me.

 

There's was a night where he told me he was going to do some thinking and that he was going to let me know by the weekend what he was going to do. He ended up telling that he was "leaning on being in a relationship with me" it made me feel like crap but I didn't tell him how I felt right there. That weekend we went and dis our separate things and went out with our friends. Met up and got into an arguement. It was nasty because we were both drunk. I left and he ended up meeting me in person (paid $80 for a taxi to find me). We kiss and made up

 

He told me to come down for the 4th of July and I told him that it wasn't a good idea. After talking to my mom and step sister they convinced me because they noticed that this was the happiest I've been in a LOMG time. So we hung and from the 4th to our bday which was July 7th.

 

He went out that weekend with his friends to celebrate his bday weekend. Next weekend was my turn to celebrate with friends. In between time he told me that since he liked me and cared about me he had to tell me something. He told me he was in a fake marriage with a friend back home. He told me his reasons, said his friend is pregnant with her boyfriend.

 

What??!! He married his friend to save her honor????!!! I don't buy it! I bet it's his child...

 

After that and my bday celebration the following week I decided to call it quits because at the time I didn't know how I felt due to not knowing where I stood at. He called crying and poured his emotions out. After that I told him. I and that I was done he showed up days later with flowers (i wasn't home so he talked to my mom). Told him I felt he same and he said that he respected my decision. 2 weeks with NC he reached out telling me he misses me and that he would like for a second chance show he can me that he wants this to work out. Told him I'll think about and I'll let him know next week. Since then he has sent me messages every other day saying "good morning have a good day and be safe". He called next Friday and I told him "no" to the second chance . He said that he understands and that he will pray for me asking god to give me what I'm looking for and that I can become a cop. Haven't heard from him in 2 weeks since.

 

Wow. He prayed for god to help you see the light...hmmmm....after what you shared, I wouldn't pin him as a person of faith.

 

 

I can't even begin to tell you how unhealthy a relationship you'd have with this guy....

[h0000]

You make excellent points and give good advice. Yes, he didntold me he was on dating apps and why. We were never really in a relationship. This was within the first month of dating. I never really discussed it with him to get a divorce. He did post on Instagram that he was going back home. Someone asked "why" and his response was "to take care of something" could this be a sign?

 

I do have to respect that he was always honest and straight forward. He didn't have to tell me about the marriage but guess what he did? Why? Idk but he did. After we stop talking he did make attempts, why? Idk the answer to that.

 

Has he ever thought about how to get a divorce and be with you? Have you ever thought about how things work with divorce,child support, spouse support and such? You never discussed it with him, why not? Why aren't you being responsible for yourself? Is the child really his or not? Legally he has a kid and a wife, there is financial obligations. You want to be with him but you haven't sorted out anything yet? You don't really know the whole true story yet?

Are you guys even thinking things?

[ttherrera]

This story is very weird. He's dating you but still using a dating app. Plus, he's already married someone and going to have a kid, who knows, that might be his kid.

 

Everything about him is to shay. Find out the truth first and decide what to do next. But dont have high expectation that he's the right one for you.

 

And don't forget that the gentleman part of his is also a habit of a playboy as well.

[mrisa792]

No I haven't thought about because idk what to say. I do got a feeling that if I told him then he probably will get a divorce. If he was really married then why would he tell me? I feel like it'll be really hard to hide a marriage.

 

He always told me that his mom was cheated on growing up and that she raised him and his brother to treat a female how they would want a guy to treat her. To always be honest with them, treat them with respect and like a gentleman.

 

I told him I was tired of the back and forth, tinder, the marriage and him being unsure. He did told me that over time he started to change his mind. He said that he wants to make me feel special and make me his world.

 

If I told him I was done then why would he take time out to buy me flowers and drop them off? Push his pride and ego to the side by crying, pouring out emotions and making attempts? This is confusing to me.

[h0000]

Why do you think him buying you flowers is a big deal? Why do you think him making an attempt is a big deal? Why do you think him crying is a big deal and means anything at all?

My ex BF also cried when I dumped him. So what? He cheated. Just because he cried doesn't mean he's a good person.

IF you think receiving some flowers is good enough, then you seriously need to lift your standards.

 

And he has to get a divorce if he wants to be with you. Why do you sound like you don't want him to get a divorce ? You are getting your priority wrong

[Popsicle]

Ask to speak to the "fake wife" to verify the story.

 

I'll bet you two dimes that he won't let you.

 

This man is married and is cheating on his wife. That's why all the drama.

 

No I haven't thought about because idk what to say. I do got a feeling that if I told him then he probably will get a divorce. If he was really married then why would he tell me? I feel like it'll be really hard to hide a marriage.

.

 

Most MM do say that are married, because they want you, the other woman, to accept the situation so they can have both women.

 

And it's not so hard to hide a marriage when you're working away from home (where your wife lives).

 

I think you need to go over and read the Other man/Other woman section of this forum and read about some of the whopping lies MM tell the other woman.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Popsicle

[pteromom]

No I haven't thought about because idk what to say. I do got a feeling that if I told him then he probably will get a divorce. If he was really married then why would he tell me? I feel like it'll be really hard to hide a marriage.

 

You keep assigning him characteristics based on what you believe his words and behavior tell you about him. This is very dangerous. You have to use the whole picture to make an assessment about someone - including the fact that he is married.

 

No, he didn't HAVE to tell you about being married. But because he did doesn't mean he is an honest person. Because his marriage might not be as "fake" as he is saying. That might be his kid. It might be much more complex than he is sharing with you. Don't just assume that because he "opened up", that what is coming out of his mouth is true.

 

He always told me that his mom was cheated on growing up and that she raised him and his brother to treat a female how they would want a guy to treat her. To always be honest with them, treat them with respect and like a gentleman.

 

Words are cheap. I mean, it is nice IF he means this. But saying things like this (gaining trust) is also a tool of liars and manipulators. You can't rely on words to start building trust with someone.

 

I told him I was tired of the back and forth, tinder, the marriage and him being unsure. He did told me that over time he started to change his mind. He said that he wants to make me feel special and make me his world.

 

Well - what is he GONNA say? That he realizes you are unsure, but he is going to make you trust him then hurt and use you? Of course not.

 

If I told him I was done then why would he take time out to buy me flowers and drop them off? Push his pride and ego to the side by crying, pouring out emotions and making attempts? This is confusing to me.

 

None of this proves anything. Any fool with $20 and the ability to call up tears can do this.

 

Look - I am not saying you can never trust anyone, because I realize I am coming off as paranoid. If he was a single guy with no marks against him and he was coming back to you to ask for another chance, I would tell you to proceed very very slowly, get to know him, and see what happens.

 

But this guy is married. He can call you if he gets a divorce. Until then, he is off limits. Marriage might not mean anything to him, but it means something to you...doesn't it?

[mrisa792]

You make good points and give out good advice and I'm on the same boat as you. I do think it's weird and iffy believe me.

 

But what if we're over thinking. Let's say he if he does mean what he says. When we hung out he showed me through body language. Only thing that he didn't through body language was that he was unsure. He explained why he was unsure, told me his guard was up high. I other words are words but not everybody lies?? I haven't dated anyone in over a year so there was something about this guy. Let's say if that isn't his kid, of that isn't his wife. He told me that he use to hear his mom cry at night due to financial problems. He doesnt look the type to lie about stuff like that.

 

Yes it does have me iffy, worried and disappointed. He could be lying or he couldn't. Idk what to do even if he called or texted saying he got a divorce. I get the point that this is wrong for him to do.