Dating - how important is the spark??

[Onedayillunderstand]

Hi

 

I have recently been on a three dates with a lovely guy after a awful break up a year ago. This guy seems absolutely lovely, genuine & similar outlook on life to me. There are no red flags like other guys I've dated in the past then refused to ignore. My last boyf when we met there was a massive spark and I'm not sure if I feel the same with this guy. My ex turned out to be quite horrible & I spent most fr the relationship on a series of extreme highs and lows & no idea where I stood.

 

This new guy has made it clear he likes me and I think he is very attractive but I'm not sure if I have that I want to rip your clothes off feelings I've had before.

 

How important is that sexual chemistry? Or I am just not feeling it because I know he likes me & there's no anxiety and uncertainty about it??

 

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

How im

[RecentChange]

Personally I prefer relationships that have both the I want to rip his clothes off, and I am certain he likes me components.

 

Although I do not get "sparks" from anxiety and uncertainties if someone likes me - I don't give men who don't make it clear that they are very into me the time of day

 

For me, sparks are a component of MUTUAL attraction and desire.

[CarrieT]

I'm older and started relationships based on "spark." The problem is the spark fades and the honeymoon period wears off. In fact, I had several dozen relationships of this ilk and the ending of one (which became toxic) is what brought me to this site in 2008.

 

So I started dating again. A LOT! Several years later, I started a thread about a guy who was Prince Charming on paper, but I didn't have that "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling.

 

I gave it time and we ended up getting married. I think the Spark is overrated.

[JDPT]

OP how old are you?

 

And I only ask because that's how I viewed dating in my younger years. Oh I need to feel this urge in me to just grab her and...well you know. So I think with your past crappy relationship you have grown (good thing) to be a bit more vigilant and not want to jump into things simply because something is physically attractive. I've met plenty of "gorgeous" women who just had it so far up their (yep) that their looks were not worth the pursuit. Take things slow and play the field. Heal properly form your past relationship.

[Gaeta]

Looking for a 'spark' kept me online dating for nearly 4 years and collecting 10s of micro relationships that last 1-2 months and having way too much sex because of the 'spark'.

 

I finally met my man when I gave up the quest for the spark.

 

I liked him, he presented well, he was smart, articulate, polite, but I was not sure of the 'spark'. I felt he was too tall, too thin, too this and that. Anyway I tried and gave me 3-4 dates. With each date I liked him more. When we kissed I liked it and it awaken something in me. We have been dating 9 months now, we are in love and he is the best relationship I had so far.

[SevenCity]

The initial spark is good, but it's at the beginning. You rarely will feel the same way about someone in month 12 as you do in month 1.

 

Actually, I find that I have a much deeper connection when I'm more concerned about getting to know who a woman is rather than just banging her.

 

That "spark" can develop as you get to know this guy. And trust me, that's more like a fire.

[No_Go]

I think of it as for jobs (sorry if I sound too pragmatic). Sometimes you love the job description, even the interview, but the job turns sour quickly after that. Sometimes works as expected. Other times the description is meh, the interview - so so, but after accepting the offer and spending a few months working, you start loving the job. Sometimes it fails as expected.

 

In other words - initial impression or 'spark' is not very predictive about the quality and/or duration of the relationship that will form. It is just a reflection of the pre-defined image that you have: if image is similar to the dating partner - there are 'sparks'.

[RecentChange]

Hum, and and I guess for me I do not equate sparks with sexual attraction.

 

For me, sparks are a mix of sexual energy, attraction, admiration, compatibility, shared respect.....

 

When I met my husband - it was fire works. Instant attraction, mind blowing sex, we could talk for hours and have so much in common.

 

I certainly did not have to try to get him to grow on me, or try to get into that cloud 9 feeling I had just thinking about him. I loved the way he made me feel. It all came naturally.

 

Sure, the honey moon butterflies wear off, but I can't imagine I would still be with him 15 years later if we didn't have those sparks.

[Gaeta]

Hum, and and I guess for me I do not equate sparks with sexual attraction.

 

For me, sparks are a mix of sexual energy, attraction, admiration, compatibility, shared respect.....

 

When I met my husband - it was fire works. Instant attraction, mind blowing sex, we could talk for hours and have so much in common.

 

I certainly did not have to try to get him to grow on me, or try to get into that cloud 9 feeling I had just thinking about him. I loved the way he made me feel. It all came naturally.

 

Sure, the honey moon butterflies wear off, but I can't imagine I would still be with him 15 years later if we didn't have those sparks.

 

Admiration, compatibility and respect is something that develops over time. I developed all those for my boyfriend as he was proving himself to me. I cannot respect a man after 5 minutes meeting, I can feel sexual energy though, but sexual energy is just that 'sexual energy' it doesn't mean we are compatible.

 

And no one is suggestion to 'try' to grow feelings but I strongly suggest to give a man or a woman a few dates before dumping someone over 'no spark' at the moment of meeting. Especially if you have not yet kissed that person. I have often thought I was not attracted toward a man till he kissed me than that kiss ended up blowing my mind away.

[grays]

Looking for a 'spark' kept me online dating for nearly 4 years and collecting 10s of micro relationships that last 1-2 months and having way too much sex because of the 'spark'.

 

I finally met my man when I gave up the quest for the spark.

 

I liked him, he presented well, he was smart, articulate, polite, but I was not sure of the 'spark'. I felt he was too tall, too thin, too this and that. Anyway I tried and gave me 3-4 dates. With each date I liked him more. When we kissed I liked it and it awaken something in me. We have been dating 9 months now, we are in love and he is the best relationship I had so far.

 

I'm happy to hear this, Gaeta! Happy that you've found something good for yourself and it gives me hope. ?

[SevenCity]

Hum, and and I guess for me I do not equate sparks with sexual attraction.

For me, sparks are a mix of sexual energy, attraction, admiration, compatibility, shared respect.....

 

When I met my husband - it was fire works. Instant attraction, mind blowing sex, we could talk for hours and have so much in common.

 

I certainly did not have to try to get him to grow on me, or try to get into that cloud 9 feeling I had just thinking about him. I loved the way he made me feel. It all came naturally.

 

Sure, the honey moon butterflies wear off, but I can't imagine I would still be with him 15 years later if we didn't have those sparks.

 

I agree with this. I think people often get "chemistry / sparks" confused with attraction.

 

I've met women I was VERY attracted to - until they opened their mouth.

 

Sparks / Chemistry for me is talking to someone you just met like you have known them for years. That you feel an instant connection to.

[Gaeta]

I agree with this. I think people often get "chemistry / sparks" confused with attraction.

 

I've met women I was VERY attracted to - until they opened their mouth.

 

Sparks / Chemistry for me is talking to someone you just met like you have known them for years. That you feel an instant connection to.

 

See to me a spark is something that would make me jump in bed right away with the man. It's sexual, it's a basic instinct to get it on.

 

Chemistry to me is a feeling that easily flows between 2 people like you have known them for years.

 

Attraction is someone I find good looking, sexy, hot, someone I can see myself with, someone I am curious about, someone I want close.

[SevenCity]

See to me a spark is something that would make me jump in bed right away with the man. It's sexual, it's a basic instinct to get it on.

 

Chemistry to me is a feeling that easily flows between 2 people like you have known them for years.

 

Attraction is someone I find good looking, sexy, hot, someone I can see myself with, someone I am curious about, someone I want close.

 

Looks like we've all go our own definitions!

[Gaeta]

Looks like we've all go our own definitions!

 

That's why those spark threads are always big long debates that go in circle.

 

First question should be what is OP definition of spark.

[Amelie1980]

It is hard. Many years ago I had a relationship where we did not sleep together right away. When I mean right away, I mean within a few dates.

 

We waited around 3 months, possibly more. I had never even seen him naked or even close: not even a bare chest in that time. Both of our living arrangements prevented that. Both with parents while one of us was a grad student and one was purchasing a home while with paretns.

 

We fell deeply in love. The spark was there but not a lust spark, we genuinely liked each other. We kissed of course, held hands, cuddled. We fell in love just by being in each others company. Hours and hours on the phone. Holding hands in the back row of the movie theater. No nakedness, no tearing clothes off, it was sweet. Real dating, real getting to know each other without being blinded by sex early on.

 

The relationship was one of the most painful I've had. It has put me off ever being close to someone ever again. He cheated and lied and treated me terribly at the end to cover his lies. He is now married to her and soon to be a father.

 

I dont know what to believe know. It has thrown me.

[No_Go]

Ugh I had the same platonic experience when I was 24 to 27. I waited YEARS for the dude to get rid of the obstacles between us, and when he finally did - it took him just few months to turn cold on me and impregnate some woman that he met long distance. So much for the romance and sparks

 

 

It is hard. Many years ago I had a relationship where we did not sleep together right away. When I mean right away, I mean within a few dates.

 

We waited around 3 months, possibly more. I had never even seen him naked or even close: not even a bare chest in that time. Both of our living arrangements prevented that. Both with parents while one of us was a grad student and one was purchasing a home while with paretns.

 

We fell deeply in love. The spark was there but not a lust spark, we genuinely liked each other. We kissed of course, held hands, cuddled. We fell in love just by being in each others company. Hours and hours on the phone. Holding hands in the back row of the movie theater. No nakedness, no tearing clothes off, it was sweet. Real dating, real getting to know each other without being blinded by sex early on.

 

The relationship was one of the most painful I've had. It has put me off ever being close to someone ever again. He cheated and lied and treated me terribly at the end to cover his lies. He is now married to her and soon to be a father.

 

I dont know what to believe know. It has thrown me.

[longjohn]

Hi

 

I have recently been on a three dates with a lovely guy after a awful break up a year ago. This guy seems absolutely lovely, genuine & similar outlook on life to me. There are no red flags like other guys I've dated in the past then refused to ignore. My last boyf when we met there was a massive spark and I'm not sure if I feel the same with this guy. My ex turned out to be quite horrible & I spent most fr the relationship on a series of extreme highs and lows & no idea where I stood.

 

This new guy has made it clear he likes me and I think he is very attractive but I'm not sure if I have that I want to rip your clothes off feelings I've had before.

 

How important is that sexual chemistry? Or I am just not feeling it because I know he likes me & there's no anxiety and uncertainty about it??

 

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

How im

 

I've had only one relationship that had the "spark" more like a bonfire really. Like a bonfire it burnt hot and bright then eventually burnt out. Well it did when she left me for her ex! Ever since I searched high and low for that all elusive spark. I didn't find it again. I settled for a nice lady got married and that too withered up and died. Again the quest for the spark started through many dates, a few short relationships and no big spark. A few sparks but not the same.

 

I'd given up on finding it again until just recently I met a lady by accident. There was a spark from both of us almost right away. Actually lots of sparks but no sex just to be sure we weren't rushing into anything. Lots of meeting, talking and getting to know each other. Turns out we are very, very similar people in how we think, see the wold even how we spend (or not) our resources. Still there's the impossible spark once again burning bright but slower and more tempered than before.

 

The odds are stacked against you but don't give up. If there's no spark with this guy move along, keep searching until you find it.

[BaileyB]

I believe in the spark, but I think it's a low ember at first.

 

I think you know when you meet someone you like - someone with similar personality, similar interests, similar values. It may not be fireworks at first, but then again, I think fireworks aren't alway indicative of a great long term relationship. With time, I think this spark will grow... The more you get to know this person and the deeper the relationship develops, he more the spark will develop.

 

That is certainly what has happened for me. I knew the first day we met that we had a lot of things in common. The first time we went out, I was less than impressed. My friends convinced me to give it a few dates and... The rest is history. I now totally feel the spark with him - I adore him. But, initially I wouldn't have said there was a great spark as much as I would say, just an understanding that we kind of "got each other."

Edited August 20, 2016 by BaileyB

[Onedayillunderstand]

Thanks for all the replies so far. It certainly seems like some people think the spark is a must and others think it stems from anxiety and insecurity.

 

In response to someone's question. I am 33 I have been in a long term relationship with someone who become my best friend and only that in the end & that fizzled out. and a short relationship with massive sparks but not much deep emotional connection but I thought he was 'the one' as the chemistry was so strong. Now I realise it was just toxic.

 

 

This guy seems to have a good relationship with his family, lots in common, but I guess he's not as forward as some and doesn't outwardly flirt which I like. I just get the feeling he's a really good guy but I don't feel any anxiety when he doesn't text for a few days as I know he likes me. And I guess no anxiety equals no butterflies. Don't want to be stupid and pass up on a really decent guy but at same time wonder if you could find someone you thinks a good guy & fancy the pants off! This guy is very attractive so I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me!

[LookAtThisPOst]

but I'm not sure if I have that I want to rip your clothes off feelings I've had before.

 

Who says you have the "rip your clothes off" kind of feeling with every relationship you get into? Everyone is different. Snowflakes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Hum, and and I guess for me I do not equate sparks with sexual attraction.

 

For me, sparks are a mix of sexual energy, attraction, admiration, compatibility, shared respect.....

 

When I met my husband - it was fire works. Instant attraction, mind blowing sex, we could talk for hours and have so much in common.

 

I certainly did not have to try to get him to grow on me, or try to get into that cloud 9 feeling I had just thinking about him. I loved the way he made me feel. It all came naturally.

 

Sure, the honey moon butterflies wear off, but I can't imagine I would still be with him 15 years later if we didn't have those sparks.

 

For me, this is the only definition of not settling. Everything else in this thread sounds like settling and more like looking for a job than a romantic relationship. At the same time, I understand that most people hate being alone long term so being in a relationship makes them happier. Everyone should do what makes them happy. IMHO most of relationships that form later in life are a mix of companionship and habit so perhaps what I am looking for is unrealistic.

 

I dunno, as long as there are times at the start of dating someone when you think "I am not that into this but maybe I should give it X more dates", it already is forced. When there is mutual, natural chemistry, this shouldn't even enter your mind.

[LookAtThisPOst]

For me, this is the only definition of not settling. Everything else in this thread sounds like settling and more like looking for a job than a romantic relationship. At the same time, I understand that most people hate being alone long term so being in a relationship makes them happier. Everyone should do what makes them happy. IMHO most of relationships that form later in life are a mix of companionship and habit so perhaps what I am looking for is unrealistic.

 

I dunno, as long as there are times at the start of dating someone when you think "I am not that into this but maybe I should give it X more dates", it already is forced. When there is mutual, natural chemistry, this shouldn't even enter your mind.

 

I'm usually surprised when I hear cases that people wound up in 15 year marriages when they had the immediate spark and passion, because usually THOSE whirlwind romances are very short lived and someone does the "fade" or ghosts if you get what I mean. Very rarely I hear of it winding up in a marriage and I tend to scratch my head at those cases figuring "There's gotta be more to the story." lol

 

I knew a woman that would date guys, they'd bang her, and then she'd get upset that she'd never hear from them again.

 

Yeah, the so-called "spark and passion" was there, but not so much when they didn't call.

 

One guy she slept with eventually "stuck" and now she's dating him exclusively...not sure that'd be the way I would go about it. lol

 

In MOST cases, I hear how people have known each other for a long time, as friends, and gotten married...that the attraction "grew over time." You know, that "Friends first" stuff a lot of women proclaim to keep the "horndogs" at bay (or passion dogs? lol)

 

I also think there's conflicting personalities, I think some personalities are prone to "Must have passion/sparks" to others like the "friends first, gradual attraction" thing.

 

I have a female friend, single never married. She started seeing this guy, and she was kind of put off when he was saying, "You make me feel like a young school boy again when I'm with you!"

 

And she was like "WTF is wrong with this guy?! He's in his 50s and acting this way?!"

 

When most guys would start talking like this with her, she would be turned off by it as she prefers the slow "getting to know you as a friend" process.

 

So I wouldn't say those that don't have the "spark", but date them anyway are "settling" really. Just lacking compatiblities on how attraction works for THEM!

[LookAtThisPOst]

I dunno, as long as there are times at the start of dating someone when you think "I am not that into this but maybe I should give it X more dates", it already is forced. When there is mutual, natural chemistry, this shouldn't even enter your mind.

 

Believe you me, I've felt such "sparks and chemistry" at one time with some women. One I had met online a while ago, and to this DAY I use it as an example of how chemistry can be bullocks.

 

The energy was there when we emailed online, talked on the phone, and it INCREASED when we met in person, because her smile made me melt! She couldn't stop smiling either. We ended it with a nice kiss goodnight.

 

And I was thinking, "So THIS is what they call the SPARK!"

 

She even called me when I got home...she called ME!! We chatted some, made plans for another date and that was that.

 

Later, when calling her again, she was completely cold with me. Said she couldn't get together. She didn't even offer alternative plans and her tone was completely callous and unfriendly. As if she was purposely putting on that attitude to get me to leave her alone.

 

I was completely dumbfounded, and from then on...I said "Bullocks' to chemistry as it's a short-lived feeling. Sometimes I wonder if it's just an act?

[SunBird]

This is such an interesting thread. I'm totally with you OP - how do you know what is right? Especially when everyone has such varying opinions.

 

But the thing it all boils down to is... we are all different, every relationship we have is different and every moment of chemistry, or love, or connection is different. It all comes down to you and the present moment. How you feel right now is all that is really relevant. It's natural to want to find the answers through others (gee that is why I come here too!), but ultimately only we can know how we feel.

 

The moment you start comparing with someone elses situation is when question and self doubt come in. If you can tune into how you feel and what you want, then you can find the answers.

 

I think that sparks are to do with natural physical chemistry, but they also soooo much to do with what is going on in your head. There is a lot of psychology there. Often physical relationships are so exciting at the start as there is the excitement of being that intimate with someone, of letting them in. Almost the novelty of it. As time goes on this car wear off.

 

In terms of psychology, often we get sparks becasue someone is familiar in some way. That might not be a good thing. For example I was ignored and criticized a lot as a child, so found myself going for guys that treated me that way. I didn't see it to start with, I just thought they were hot. But down the line realised the same old mistake was unfolding. This is totally normal, becasue we go for what feels familiar. There is a lot of good reading out there on the topic.

 

I agree with the person who mentioned personality. I do think we are all different. Some people hold onto that excitement into their 70s. I think it is mindset. Its about being open and excepting and able to let go. For people like me, (very rational and practical all the time!), it is harder to maintain the romance day to day. But it does not take away the capacity for very connected fulfilling relationships.

 

I have my own questions with my new relationship and often worry that i am not like all the lovey dovey couples flouncing their selfies on facebook. It's easy to think 'i should be like everyone else'. But (IF you are after long term companionship), then there are a whole lot of other aspects that are more important than wanting to tear the clothes of your fella.

 

I've been officially with my other half for just 2 months. It is not like any other relationship I have had. It isn't as whirlwindy and exciting, but it is wonderful and its a whole lot stronger than the terrible relationships I experienced before. Me and my fella were friends for a few years before we got to this stage. He is someone who gets me and i want to spend time with. As it turns out the sex is great too! But the building blocks of our relationship were friendship and connection and openess. I resisted the idea of a relationship for a long time as it seemed so different, but as I am a bit older I realise that I was waiting/looking for the wrong things.

 

There are a few people on here that refer to it as 'settling' - but I dont see choosing my best friend as settling. At least I hope I am not! I have always been so afraid of doing that and have put a lot of energy into meeting 'the right person'. I've had therapy to learn who i am again (after some serious childhood damage). And now, without trying, it seems that who you fall in love with is not up to you. Sure if I was to create a dream it would be some hunky outdoorsy type with a strong family and house by the sea. But creating a fantasy image is a dangerous thing to do as you aim at something that is a fantasy. The fact is I have an incredible understanding friend with loads in common, emotionally tuned in and loves me for who I am warts and all. I find him attractive and have great sex but don't want to tear his clothes off in that way, it is more of an emotional connection.

 

So having banged on about myself for a page (!) if I was to advise your situation from my experiences I would say... you are on the right track! Only 3 dates in, and you find him attractive. Build something together, get to know each other and don't put sex at the front of to-do list. Plenty of time for that and it will be so much better when you have formed more of a bond. Don't be freaked out by not having that crazy feeling, and if he's the right kind of guy he'll give you plenty of time to hang out before you take it further. Concentrate on other aspects that are important in this person and that he has all of those!

 

Good luck, hope it keeps being fab

[Gaeta]

For me, this is the only definition of not settling. Everything else in this thread sounds like settling and more like looking for a job than a romantic relationship.

 

I never felt I was settling with my BF and I did not feel a spark when we met. We adore each other, can't spend a day without each other, he makes me feel beautiful, loved, desired, safe, going on our 10 months and still in our honeymoon phase. How can you call all this settling?

 

The objective here is to mutually fall in love. There is not only one road to Rome as there isn't only one road to falling in love. Those that only want to use the 'spark' road will have a long journey ahead of them and are doing themselves a disservice as they overlook beautiful human beings that could have enhance their life.

 

I know all about spark. I had a huge mutual spark with my last boyfriend. The spark was so freakin strong that for the 6 months we were together I could not fall asleep next to him. His presence gave me such a constant rush of adrenaline I could not fall asleep if he was next to me. That rush turned into nothing. He disappeared without a word after 6 months, poof gone with no explanation. What happened? The famous 'spark' kept me blind to all the red flags flying around him. He had been preparing his exit for a while but I was too much under his spell to realize I was not in a stable relationship. That blindness rarely turned into something deep and long term.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Gaeta