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GF not putting in effort anymore


ad4m2

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Hi everyone, I need your advice please. Sorry for the length!

 

To give you a bit of background, I have dating my girlfriend for 7 1/2 months and it has been going really well. We are both in love with each other, have a lot of fun together, our sex life is great, we get on really well and to be honest it is the best relationship I've ever had.

 

Now the problem. Recently, a few feelings and other things have been building up inside me and I can't keep them in any longer and feel I need to talk to my gf. In the last maybe 2 months, she seems to be putting no effort into the relationship at all. When we first started going out, and for sort of the first 5 months, she really cared about me and be willing to things for me but now, and I quote, she just can't be bothered. I have asked her about this once before a few weeks ago and she said "I don't need to put in as much effort now because we've been going out a while". This pissed me off quite a bit but I didn't say anything at the time.

 

This is the underlining issue, I feel I put much more effort into the relationship than she does and it is now starting to get to a point where I'm thinking there is no point putting effort in if you are getting nothing in return. I am a firm believer that a relationship is a two way street and both people need to put in effort.

 

To give you some other examples, we live about 20 mins apart from each other, her in a town and me a bit outside the town. I am always willing to make the effort to drive to her house and see her and stay the night, no matter what the time or how I'm feeling. She used to be like this as well but recently she doesn't want to because, and I quote, "I can't be bothered", "I feel a little bit tired" and "It's a bit late so we wouldn't see each other for very long". All of these I think are just excuses because she can't be bothered. As well as this, she used to really care about her appearance and what she wore etc, and used to put in quite a bit of effort to look nice. But now it seems she doesn't care any more because she feels we've been going out long enough that she doesn't have to put in as much effort any more.

 

I want to talk to her about this but not quite sure how to approach it. I don't want to break up with her, but if things don't change then I'm not going to bother putting in effort and continuing to get nothing back, in which case breaking up is probably the only option (not the option is wish to go for).

 

Any advice on how to talk to her would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance.

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With the attitude that now she has you she doesn't have to bother she is not really going to have much success long term.

 

As you know relationships take work and maintenance to keep them fresh and happy.

 

Liken it to a car. You have to regularly service it, check tyres and oil, fill up with fuel, windscreen washer fluid, clean it, tax it... Its regular maintenance and if you don't fill the tank then your metaphorical "love tank" soon empties... That is what has happened here.

 

Try putting it in those terms and then wait a bit. See if she puts in effort again. If she doesn't then just end it and find someone who cares enough to put the work into your relationship.

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"I don't need to put in as much effort now because we've been going out a while".:confused:

 

Really?

just break up with her and then ignore her. (if she can even be bothered to text you after)

 

 

When someone says the above it means they have lost respect for you and don't care if you stay or go.

 

You can tell her what is wrong in the relationship but it sounds to me like she is trying to make you break up with her because she is too cowardly to just end it herself and if you hold on much longer she will then end it and may get nasty because now you have "forced" her to be the bad guy.

 

7 months really isn't that long a time either to be dating someone.

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You mention all the good things going on in your relationship and then you mention one thing - the lack of effort on her part. Part of being in a relationship - marriage - is that you commit to someone for a lifetime and can be yourself with each other. As the relationship progresses you discuss things that bother you and things that need to change and you work together to make your relationship what it should be. If there is a list of expectations in a relationship that are treated as potential "deal breakers" how can there ever be stability and confidence in that relationship? If my relationship with my husband ebbs a bit, he is kind and gentle to mention to me things that we..."WE" need to work on - he never tells me to work on it alone. If there is something that I wish he could change, I mention it and how it makes me feel - the next day it is changed. Yes it takes courage, yes it sometimes hurts our feelings, but if our ultimate goal is to be part of a thriving marriage, than we are going to take the lumps and put forth the effort. Does your GF know you are there for her? Does she know that there are expectations that you are setting up that could potentially ruin your relationship? Have you talked to her about how her lack of effort makes you feel?

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DramaInPajamas
In the last maybe 2 months, she seems to be putting no effort into the relationship at all. When we first started going out, and for sort of the first 5 months, she really cared about me and be willing to things for me but now, and I quote, she just can't be bothered.

 

I've been through this before with almost the same timeline.

 

We were together almost a year. He couldnt have done enough for me, kind, sweet, loving, couldnt do enough to make me happy. We were besotted with each other.

 

He changed after about 6-7 months in, and for a long time I couldnt put my finger on what was wrong. He wasnt as attentive, caring, was lax in calling me, lax about making dates with me, if he did something to upset me he didnt seem that remorseful. Last time we went away or a weekend, he didnt even smile at me when he met me at the station. He didnt warm up to me for a long time on the train but then he was fine.

 

I started asking what was wrong. he said work, blah blah. The usual excuses. He kept reassuring me.

 

He eventually ended it for nothing at all, no reason. I couldnt put my finger on what was wrong. What happened to the wonderful loving relationship we had?

 

Sorry to say, he was cheating and left me for her. I found out much later.

 

The gradual and growing lack of concern for me whilst not giving me any reason for why and therefore, not able to fix it or talk about it, was because he had eyes for another.

 

Id say her behavior means that another man is a real possibility.

Edited by DramaInPajamas
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Hi everyone, I need your advice please. Sorry for the length!

 

To give you a bit of background, I have dating my girlfriend for 7 1/2 months and it has been going really well. We are both in love with each other, have a lot of fun together, our sex life is great, we get on really well and to be honest it is the best relationship I've ever had.

 

Now the problem. Recently, a few feelings and other things have been building up inside me and I can't keep them in any longer and feel I need to talk to my gf. In the last maybe 2 months, she seems to be putting no effort into the relationship at all. When we first started going out, and for sort of the first 5 months, she really cared about me and be willing to things for me but now, and I quote, she just can't be bothered. I have asked her about this once before a few weeks ago and she said "I don't need to put in as much effort now because we've been going out a while". This pissed me off quite a bit but I didn't say anything at the time.

 

This is the underlining issue, I feel I put much more effort into the relationship than she does and it is now starting to get to a point where I'm thinking there is no point putting effort in if you are getting nothing in return. I am a firm believer that a relationship is a two way street and both people need to put in effort.

 

To give you some other examples, we live about 20 mins apart from each other, her in a town and me a bit outside the town. I am always willing to make the effort to drive to her house and see her and stay the night, no matter what the time or how I'm feeling. She used to be like this as well but recently she doesn't want to because, and I quote, "I can't be bothered", "I feel a little bit tired" and "It's a bit late so we wouldn't see each other for very long". All of these I think are just excuses because she can't be bothered. As well as this, she used to really care about her appearance and what she wore etc, and used to put in quite a bit of effort to look nice. But now it seems she doesn't care any more because she feels we've been going out long enough that she doesn't have to put in as much effort any more.

 

I want to talk to her about this but not quite sure how to approach it. I don't want to break up with her, but if things don't change then I'm not going to bother putting in effort and continuing to get nothing back, in which case breaking up is probably the only option (not the option is wish to go for).

 

Any advice on how to talk to her would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Effort should be balanced. You're in a one-sided relationship now and she has basically, checked out.

 

"I don't need to put in as much effort now because we've been going out a while". -- She's using you. Tell her you're going to make the effort to find someone else and kick her immature, uncaring, user rear end to the curb.

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ExpatInItaly

She's losing interest.

 

At just 7.5 months, she already can't be bothered because you've been together "a while"? You should still be in the honeymoon stage.

 

How often do you two see each other?

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