Cathy7 Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Dear Users, I was wondering if you could tell me, if youcould possibly stay in a new relationship when from the beginning you are being informed that in this relationship only the word 'yes' exists and 'no' is not applicable. I felt shocked and felt as if my individual integrity was shattered. I would never apply this rule to the other person I love. Would you decide to stay in such an arrangement? Thank you for your answers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Can you give some context to this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Are you allowed to post on here? Don't say no...just kidding. Seriously though, I'd be gone in a second. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 I believe that it applies to everything. Also to making love. It's a new relationship and hearing that 'no' does not exists makes me feel like I want to oppose to everything, even though I would like to say 'yes' if it was my free yes. I mean, I feel like in the futurethis rule may lead to something bad and controlling if it exists as a declaration from the beginning. How do you feel? Thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I believe that it applies to everything. Also to making love. It's a new relationship and hearing that 'no' does not exists makes me feel like I want to oppose to everything, even though I would like to say 'yes' if it was my free yes. I mean, I feel like in the futurethis rule may lead to something bad and controlling if it exists as a declaration from the beginning. How do you feel? Thank you. You mean you have to have sex with him whenever he wants and he doesn't take "no" for an answer? Sounds like abuse. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 You mean you have to have sex with him whenever he wants and he doesn't take "no" for an answer? Sounds like abuse. Yes. He said that. Hearing that I can never say 'no' makes me creep inside myself, even though perhaps I would like to say 'yes'. But this statement makes me act on the opposite of what I would normally do.I do love this person, yet I'm not sure if I can stay in such arrangement. This 'yes' rule makes me pull back. Thank you so much for answering. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 That is such a load of bull****. Run far away from this guy right now. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Seriously? This guy could be the Kind of Spain and I would not date him. No means no. Women ALWAYS have the ability to say no. Anything less than that is rape. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 How many generations of women have fought for us to be able to say NO ? and you'd accept to go back to the last century? and for what? What does this man bring to you that you are willing to give up on your freedom to say no? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Thank you everyone! If I say no, does it mean that I don't love him? I do love him with my heart, but this rule of never saying 'no' stops me from saying yes, even though I want to say yes! It prevents me from all when I'm looking towards the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 We are past the stone age. And I love a woman able to contradict me*. Because unlike what I think I'm not always right. *Yes, even here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Thank you everyone! If I say no, does it mean that I don't love him? Has he said that? because if he did it means he is abusive, controlling and manipulative. That is what abusive men say to brainwash you. I do love him with my heart, but this rule of never saying 'no' stops me from saying yes, even though I want to say yes! It prevents me from all when I'm looking towards the future. I read your last thread. You are dating an abuser. He puts you through all sorts of manipulation, silent treatment, ultimatum, etc. Don't be one of those woman who say: 'he abuses me but I love him'. About you start loving yourself ? and refuse to give the time of the day to these abusive men. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Thank you everyone! If I say no, does it mean that I don't love him? I do love him with my heart, but this rule of never saying 'no' stops me from saying yes, even though I want to say yes! It prevents me from all when I'm looking towards the future. Does that man live in medieval times? Maybe he missed out that in modern times there is this little thing that we women have, called free will and human rights... Are you really considering having a future with a man who decides what choice you're allowed or not allowed to make? No woman of sane mind will put up with that and if you're still considering it, please seek help as you might be on a path of becoming a victim of psychological or possibly even physical abuse. And no, saying "no" to sex doesn't mean you don't love someone. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to manipulate you into serving to their needs. There are plenty of reasons a person might not want to engage into a sexual activity, for example - tiredness, period pain, your dog died or to hell with that, you need no reason to not have sex when you simply don't feel like it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Seriously? This guy could be the Kind of Spain and I would not date him. No means no. Women ALWAYS have the ability to say no. Anything less than that is rape. Yeah but if I guy says "no" it's totally cool, and this can go as far as him being called gay *sigh* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 I read your other thread as well... Oh dear Cathy, this man doesn't get angry and give you the silent treatment because he is disappointed and thinks you don't love him. He does that to break you mentally, to train you like a dog by making you suffer the "consequences" for unwanted behavior. The unwanted behavior being you refusing to satisfy his sexual needs. This is a technique he uses because he feels you're younger, emotionally weaker, less experienced and might be bent to obey. I know nothing more about you, him or the lives you two live but that little information I have is enough for me to state that this man doesn't love you at all and I'm 100% sure. You see when you are able to love, you're able to accept that your partner isn't a belonging and can make decisions independently. The only true love goes hand in hand with respect. Don't forget that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Yes it just seems that this guy brain stopped sometimes in the 50s before the cultural and sexual revolution and the good things feminism brought to women. Are you dating a Saudi? Serious question because most western young males don't behave that way, except maybe for some trad con freaks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Yeah but if I guy says "no" it's totally cool, and this can go as far as him being called gay *sigh* A woman who calls a man "gay" for not wanting to sleep with her is just as bad as a man who tries to push a woman into having sex with him. What's so hard to understand? Does the fact that there are abusive women who can't take "no" for an answer suddenly nullify the extent of the situation the OP is in? Some people just have to make it about themselves (in this case about men when we're trying to give advice to a young woman who's clearly in for manipulation) 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 A woman who calls a man "gay" for not wanting to sleep with her is just as bad as a man who tries to push a woman into having sex with him. What's so hard to understand? Does the fact that there are abusive women who can't take "no" for an answer suddenly nullify the extent of the situation the OP is in? Some people just have to make it about themselves (in this case about men when we're trying to give advice to a young woman who's clearly in for manipulation) Manipulation from any angle is clearly not condone. I praise OP for acknowledging the fact that she's being coerced into having sex. And I'll like to think that she believes that she is not a victim. As stated she does have to choice to say the hell with you and your "NO" policy and I'm taking my business else where, easier said than done? maybe, but she should know that there are options. Now, polarized standards that both men and females are held are ridiculous. I just can't subscribe to women being viewed the victim and cute little lambs who can't do no wrong. I just strongly believe that both should be treated equally. Reactions wouldn't have been the same if a man made this post. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Reactions wouldn't have been the same if a man made this post. Then you need to browse on here and you'll see that abuse, manipulation and controlling behavior is sanctioned the same whether it's from a woman or a man. Yes sometimes stories have different reactions depending if a man or woman post but when it comes to abuse there is no free pass. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 but when it comes to abuse there is no free pass. I couldn't agree more. Now back to our regularly scheduled program. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 (edited) Thank you everyone! If I say no, does it mean that I don't love him? I too wonder what country you are from, because I don't know many modern, Western men who would think this way. My question for you is not - "if I say no, does that mean that I don't love him." My question for you is - why would you love a man who treats you so badly? Of course, you can love a man and say no to him. Saying no to sex does not change the fact that you love him. But seriously, this man sounds abusive and you should not have to tolerate his abuse. I'm sorry, just fact. Edited August 13, 2016 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 YES, I would NOT stay in such a relationship! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Dear All, Thank you so much for all your answers and for your time! I feel very unhappy about the whole situation because I love this person and thought that we have a lot to share and a great intellectual connection. He declared that he want to seriously engage with me and I declared the same. Yet everytime I hear that I can never say no to him because its a 'bad' word I feel like I can't make a step forward, although I would like to make a step forward! I just feel like moritfied. Recently we spent some time together to strengthen the bonds between us and I kept asking him if its possible to remove all rules from our relation but he said he can't do that. I tried to explain him that its like I don't feel my free will but he said that since I made a decision to be here, 'I know the consequences'. I don't want to have any 'consequences' and I truly thought about us very seriously. I feel so sad and guilty because I love this person and dont want him to suffer, I want to make him the happiest ever! But I dont think it's ok to make rules for those whom we love. We know each other since spring and I don't know to where these rules will lead within the coming years. I don't know why he does it because he appeared to be truthful, enthusiastic and full of love. Indeed he thinks that I dont love him. Thank you everyone, perhaps I need to take a break from everything to consider all that happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Dear All, Thank you so much for all your answers and for your time! I feel very unhappy about the whole situation because I love this person and thought that we have a lot to share and a great intellectual connection. He declared that he want to seriously engage with me and I declared the same. Yet everytime I hear that I can never say no to him because its a 'bad' word I feel like I can't make a step forward, although I would like to make a step forward! I just feel like moritfied. Recently we spent some time together to strengthen the bonds between us and I kept asking him if its possible to remove all rules from our relation but he said he can't do that. I tried to explain him that its like I don't feel my free will but he said that since I made a decision to be here, 'I know the consequences'. I don't want to have any 'consequences' and I truly thought about us very seriously. I feel so sad and guilty because I love this person and dont want him to suffer, I want to make him the happiest ever! But I dont think it's ok to make rules for those whom we love. We know each other since spring and I don't know to where these rules will lead within the coming years. I don't know why he does it because he appeared to be truthful, enthusiastic and full of love. Indeed he thinks that I dont love him. Thank you everyone, perhaps I need to take a break from everything to consider all that happened. Have you read anything of what we said? Are you aware you are dating an abuser? and more time you spend with him more he will become controlling and abusive. Now it's about not saying 'bad words' as if you were a 4 year old and him your dad, then when you'll be committed to each other it will be about you not being allowed to leave the house, or make phone calls, or invite people over. You are in a HIGH risk relationship for domestic violence. What do you have to say about that? I don't care you love him. Loving someone is NOT a reason for letting them treat us like dirt, or a piece of property. Break up 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cathy7 Posted August 13, 2016 Author Share Posted August 13, 2016 Ps. And, obviously, if my boyfriend told me 'no', I would never think badly of him. But i understand that men are perceived, especially in the popular culture, as those who should always be on the 'yes' side and it is a huge injustice to them. The same, I think, is done about women who, supposedly, should say yes to men on the first date. It is all injustice, both in regard to men and women. Thank you so much for providing me with reassurance. I feel totally lost between the feelings of love, guilt and sadness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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