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! A (lame) question about behavior after sex...


Coldfire

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Hi!

 

I would really appreciate some feedback, especially from guys.

 

I recently ended a long term relationship. Not looking for something too serious immediately but I've never been into casual sex either.

 

I met a guy on Tinder and had sex with him on Friday after a couple of dates. I didn't want him to stay over but he insisted and we went for breakfast in the morning. I was very attracted to him although he appears to be pretty unreliable. I have a good job, house etc. while he is still in grad school, hangs out at bars every night, and has several roommates. He also described himself as a [promiscuous] and "alcoholic" :). Now I am definitely not judging, he is very intelligent and the dates and sex were great. He was what I needed and made me happy.

 

I have to admit I freaked out that he may ignore me after having the sex so, to avoid being dumped (!) I texted him yesterday that I feel like it would be best to not meet again. Before that he wasn't overly enthusiastic in texting but wasn't ignoring me either. And it has only been 2 days since we had sex at the time I texted.

 

My question is: Did I overreact? I would have enjoyed seeing him again but I thought if he truly liked me he would have attempted to arrange another date and would have been more enthusiastic about texting/calling. I followed my instinct but maybe I was simply afraid because of the way he presented himself...

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Nah.

 

Just let it go and don't bother to text or phone again.

 

It was sex. It scratched an itch. You have got all you are going to get out of him so leave it there. Let him be your rebound guy rather than some other poor soul who does actually want more. Better that way than upsetting a good guy for no reason.

 

Carry on with your healing and be satisfied knowing that you are one hot chick!

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heartfeltlove

He had a one-night stand with frills on. So did you. He was totally honest about the kind of guy he is. You made a decision based on what he told you - and I think he was being honest. I take it he has not responded in any way to your "let's not meet again" text. That says all you need to know.

You were horny, he was horny, it worked. It's ok to be horny, and it's ok to have sex providing it's what you both want and enjoy. Many women need to accept and appreciate that we too are sexual beings and it's ok to get laid now and then, on a 'free to do as I like' basis. Sensible moderation and human caution. Enjoy your life. You don't have a repeat performance at the end of this one.

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Hi!

 

I would really appreciate some feedback, especially from guys.

 

<snip>

 

Somehow this would be a great post for girls/ women to read after they have been dumped by guys just after sex and complain guys only want to have sex. You were looking for a provider, he is not for the long term and in the meantime you got what you wanted. Good luck.

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You didn't overreact. There is nothing wrong with using someone for sex, especially if you think you are better than them. Itch/scratch. It's empowering when women do that to men.

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DramaInPajamas
Hi!

 

I would really appreciate some feedback, especially from guys.

 

I recently ended a long term relationship. Not looking for something too serious immediately but I've never been into casual sex either.

 

I met a guy on Tinder and had sex with him on Friday after a couple of dates. <snip>

 

Leave it alone. The only chance you have if you want to see him again is to leave him.

 

If you keep texting he will get put off by it. If you just leave it he may want to see you again.

 

I had the same happen to me. Slept with someone I wasnt that bothered about after 2 dates. Then it bothered me when he vanished but i think it was only ego for me.

 

He eventually got back in touch over 2 weeks later and asked me out again.

 

Just leave him well alone and keep dating.

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He has described himself as the very antithesis of someone you would want to get involved with, even as a friend.

Alcoholics are notorious for being unreliable and for introducing unwanted drama into your life.

You did the right thing by ending it.

The last thing you need after a long term break up is a promiscuous, alcoholic.

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He has described himself as the very antithesis of someone you would want to get involved with, even as a friend.

Alcoholics are notorious for being unreliable and for introducing unwanted drama into your life.

You did the right thing by ending it.

The last thing you need after a long term break up is a promiscuous, alcoholic.

 

So, just to recap events: She bangs this Tinder guy on the second date. Then immediately dumps him for being too promiscuous for her. And the Ladies of Loveshack congratulate her on doing the right thing.

 

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but it is interesting to see the reaction here when a common occurrence (that is often denounced) is gender flipped.

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So, just to recap events: She bangs this Tinder guy on the second date. Then immediately dumps him for being too promiscuous for her. And the Ladies of Loveshack congratulate her on doing the right thing.

 

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but it is interesting to see the reaction here when a common occurrence (that is often denounced) is gender flipped.

 

The man is an alcoholic or has that escaped your notice?

 

He is a self proclaimed promiscuous alcoholic, so would I denounce any man for dumping a girl he had sex with who said she was a promiscuous alcoholic? No of course not.

I would congratulate him for doing the right thing too.

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You met someone on Tinder, couple of dates then sex. As others have said, an itch was scratched and it felt good. As much as you think his attitude was off, it takes two to tango and you both agreed as to where this went. Now just leave it be. You had some fun, no harm in that. Now if you want something more serious, then go find it. Don't over think this and just let it go.

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HeBrokeMyHeart

I'm afraid to say if your looking for something more serious than a hook up tinder certainly isn't the best place to go. The guy clearly told you in his own words he was just after sex, telling you he's [promiscuous]? I don't think that was just to boost his ego in front of you. Yeah I think you might have overreacted but if you genuinely didn't think it was just going to be about sex than I can see your anger. Honestly I think you should get off tinder, I don't think you can separate your emotions from sex and that's not a bad thing. [] The chances of you having anything serious from there is slim. Forget the guy, don't fall for his trap again & go about your life

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You are not into casual sex but had some.

 

You are not into casual sex but dumped the guy right after sex.

 

You don't judge him but you judge him being XYZ.

 

You don't want him to stay over night but let him.

 

 

I think you need to take a pause and look into your contradiction and what you really want.

 

Makes me laugh when I read 'I an not into casual sex but'. There is NOTHING wrong with admitting you want no strings attached sex. At least be honest with yourself, and us. It's 2016.

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DramaInPajamas
You are not into casual sex but had some.

 

You are not into casual sex but dumped the guy right after sex.

 

You don't judge him but you judge him being XYZ.

 

You don't want him to stay over night but let him.

 

 

I think you need to take a pause and look into your contradiction and what you really want.

 

Makes me laugh when I read 'I an not into casual sex but'. There is NOTHING wrong with admitting you want no strings attached sex. At least be honest with yourself, and us. It's 2016.

 

Exactly.

 

There is no harm in wanting an itch scratched.

 

Who cares what this guy is. If you just want sex, eff him and forget him when you're bored. He doesnt have to bring any drama into your life if you dont allow it.

 

YOu also sound a bit judgmental for him not having a home, having room mates and hanging out in bars. I mean he is in grad school. He cant afford a home. Find a rich f-buddy if you want to be impressed.

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Ok maybe I'm judging a but but in a very friendly way! It is just because when I was in grad school I could never hang out at bars and drink that much and wouldn't even think about Tinder. Grad school is a serious job.

 

As I said, he was very hot and intelligent, sex was amazing and I told him this several times! I don't want a rich f-body and am much more impressed by a good lover than by a well paying job! I just felt like he was acting cool and waiting to see if I would beg to see him again. I don't like such games. Yes, I am having second thoughts but it looks like I did the right thing.

 

Exactly.

 

There is no harm in wanting an itch scratched.

 

Who cares what this guy is. If you just want sex, eff him and forget him when you're bored. He doesnt have to bring any drama into your life if you dont allow it.

 

YOu also sound a bit judgmental for him not having a home, having room mates and hanging out in bars. I mean he is in grad school. He cant afford a home. Find a rich f-buddy if you want to be impressed.

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Well I was in Tinderland and thought I should play by Tinderrules! I say I am not into casual sex because I can't just sleep with random people and prefer to have relationships. But passion happens:). And of course there is nothing wrong with it.

 

Even if a relationship develops from Tinder, isn't this separate from sex ? I didn't want to pretend there was something more yet when it was too early. I wanted to give him (and myself) space to think about it and offer him a clean exit if he didn't want to see me again. I was very open about seeing him again. He was playing it very cool or didn't care.

 

I am really honest with you guys! I wanted to see him again (alright, for sex, didn't imagibe marriage) but he didn't seem as eager as I was so I decided to move on. All I was asking was if I did this too fast. Maybe I should have given him more time? Still I think 2 days us plenty of time to make up your mind.

 

 

 

You are not into casual sex but had some.

 

You are not into casual sex but dumped the guy right after sex.

 

You don't judge him but you judge him being XYZ.

 

You don't want him to stay over night but let him.

 

 

I think you need to take a pause and look into your contradiction and what you really want.

 

Makes me laugh when I read 'I an not into casual sex but'. There is NOTHING wrong with admitting you want no strings attached sex. At least be honest with yourself, and us. It's 2016.

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I'm afraid to say if your looking for something more serious than a hook up tinder certainly isn't the best place to go. The guy clearly told you in his own words he was just after sex, telling you he's [promiscuous]? I don't think that was just to boost his ego in front of you. Yeah I think you might have overreacted but if you genuinely didn't think it was just going to be about sex than I can see your anger. Honestly I think you should get off tinder, I don't think you can separate your emotions from sex and that's not a bad thing. [] The chances of you having anything serious from there is slim. Forget the guy, don't fall for his trap again & go about your life

 

@HeBrokeMyHeart

But what about sonething inbetween a hookup and a relationship? What about dating more casually someone I am attracred to,respect and want to see for sex and good times. One night stands are lame. It takes some time for women to adjust to a new lover, our Os are more complicated:).

 

I don't know what he was doing. He was the one sending mixed messages and I didn't like it because I refuse to spend time analyzing a guy who wouldn't just tell me what he wants. Did I give him too little time? Maybe there are some rules he was following but I thought that if he isn't crazy about seeing me it wasn't worth it.

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DramaInPajamas
Ok maybe I'm judging a but but in a very friendly way! It is just because when I was in grad school I could never hang out at bars and drink that much and wouldn't even think about Tinder. Grad school is a serious job.

 

As I said, he was very hot and intelligent, sex was amazing and I told him this several times! I don't want a rich f-body and am much more impressed by a good lover than by a well paying job! I just felt like he was acting cool and waiting to see if I would beg to see him again. I don't like such games. Yes, I am having second thoughts but it looks like I did the right thing.

 

Grad school is NOTHING compared to working a full time profession. Ive done both.

 

You would never hang out in bars but he does. He likes it. Everyone is different.

 

Did tinder even exist when you were at grad school? It didnt when I was at grad school. Tinder started in September 2012 less than 4 years ago.

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HeBrokeMyHeart
@HeBrokeMyHeart

But what about sonething inbetween a hookup and a relationship? What about dating more casually someone I am attracred to,respect and want to see for sex and good times. One night stands are lame. It takes some time for women to adjust to a new lover, our Os are more complicated:).

 

I don't know what he was doing. He was the one sending mixed messages and I didn't like it because I refuse to spend time analyzing a guy who wouldn't just tell me what he wants. Did I give him too little time? Maybe there are some rules he was following but I thought that if he isn't crazy about seeing me it wasn't worth it.

 

 

From being in two friends with benefit relationships myself, one of them lasting a year and a half, nearly turned into a relationship but actually ended up being a massive **** affair, we tried to make it something more than it was but it just didn't work and ended horribly, I had my heart broken and a wonderful friendship destroyed.

 

Second **** buddy, I had I did things differently, it was just sex. I didn't want to know how we was or what his interests were or who he was seeing. To be quite honest I distant myself from this guy. And it lasted over a year and we still talk and occasionally hook up. We're on a great terms.

 

What my point is, this whole casual relationship of hanging out sex is just not going to happen, it may work for a few months but than the feelings creep in and trust me, once you have set the terms with this guy as casual it'll be hard for him to see you as girlfriend material.

 

Your best bet is this, if you want a friend who you hang out with and have a laugh with but sleep with each other, have a few different guys lined up. One you just sleep with, one you just hang out with and one that you just have a cuddle with. Trust me, you'll get to invested if there's one guy doing all of that, anyone would after a while.

 

Or secondly just find someone you actually want to be with, date him, the dating game can be fun and you can still get laid whilst hanging out. In all honesty it sounds like you want to date but just aren't admitting to yourself you want that.

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You met someone on Tinder, couple of dates then sex. As others have said, an itch was scratched and it felt good. As much as you think his attitude was off, it takes two to tango and you both agreed as to where this went. Now just leave it be. You had some fun, no harm in that. Now if you want something more serious, then go find it. Don't over think this and just let it go.

 

Thanks @smudge21! I needed to hear this.

The thing is that I would't mind seeing him again for sex even if this was going nowhere but his lukewarm attitude was a turn off. I read online about an 'unwritten' rule that a guy should call within 72 hrs. This doesn't make any sense and I would never wait around for so long. Guys, if someone sucks your **** for an hour and you both agree that sex was amazing, anything short showering of telling her what a great lover she is the very next day (if you want to see her again) is inadequate in my opinion. I felt he liked me but was playing a game to make me feel insecure and I totally lost respect because of this.

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This is very helpful!

 

A coulple of months would have been great with this guy (and I would of course looking for others in the meantime).

 

I would love to date but I am in no position to date right now because it wouldn't be fair to anyone including myself. I have to try what you explained about the different guys for different things. But why would I waste somebody's and my time just to cuddle? Isn't it better to see someone for a month and then move on.

 

Glad you found the right balance with your @@@@buddy the second time!

 

From being in two friends with benefit relationships myself, one of them lasting a year and a half, nearly turned into a relationship but actually ended up being a massive **** affair, we tried to make it something more than it was but it just didn't work and ended horribly, I had my heart broken and a wonderful friendship destroyed.

 

Second **** buddy, I had I did things differently, it was just sex. I didn't want to know how we was or what his interests were or who he was seeing. To be quite honest I distant myself from this guy. And it lasted over a year and we still talk and occasionally hook up. We're on a great terms.

 

What my point is, this whole casual relationship of hanging out sex is just not going to happen, it may work for a few months but than the feelings creep in and trust me, once you have set the terms with this guy as casual it'll be hard for him to see you as girlfriend material.

 

Your best bet is this, if you want a friend who you hang out with and have a laugh with but sleep with each other, have a few different guys lined up. One you just sleep with, one you just hang out with and one that you just have a cuddle with. Trust me, you'll get to invested if there's one guy doing all of that, anyone would after a while.

 

Or secondly just find someone you actually want to be with, date him, the dating game can be fun and you can still get laid whilst hanging out. In all honesty it sounds like you want to date but just aren't admitting to yourself you want that.

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Yes, I graduated in 2014.

 

All I was trying to find out was if I overreacted by cutting him loose after 2 days. What do you think?

 

I don't know the rules. He was surprised and I think he expected I would be pursuing him. Hell no.

 

Grad school is NOTHING compared to working a full time profession. Ive done both.

 

You would never hang out in bars but he does. He likes it. Everyone is different.

 

Did tinder even exist when you were at grad school? It didnt when I was at grad school. Tinder started in September 2012 less than 4 years ago.

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The man is an alcoholic or has that escaped your notice?

 

He is a self proclaimed promiscuous alcoholic, so would I denounce any man for dumping a girl he had sex with who said she was a promiscuous alcoholic? No of course not.

I would congratulate him for doing the right thing too.

 

Elaine567,

 

Being a promuscuous alcoholic wasn't even the main issue. I thought he was playing games with me by waiting to see what I would do and somehow expecting I would beg for another date or valudation from him. Not cool. But internet says it's ok to not even text/call for a couple if days. So i was asking for feedback here...I won't do anything at this point just want clarity.

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I have to admit I freaked out that he may ignore me after having the sex so, to avoid being dumped (!) I texted him yesterday that I feel like it would be best to not meet again.

So to avoid being "dumped", you "dumped" him?

 

I'm a bit confused here. Did you want to see him again, or not?

 

If so, it doesn't make much sense to "dump" him.

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You want a F buddy but you want him to act like a BF. F buddies don't have to obey by the dating rules because it's not dating! You should look up the rules of F buddies.

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So, just to recap events: She bangs this Tinder guy on the second date. Then immediately dumps him for being too promiscuous for her. And the Ladies of Loveshack congratulate her on doing the right thing.

 

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do or not, but it is interesting to see the reaction here when a common occurrence (that is often denounced) is gender flipped.

 

TXGuy,

 

Well, he was proud to call him self [promiscuous] ;). And I wouldn't dump him if he showered me with compliments about my performance in bed and asked for more :). I think both men and women should be honest. I would exoect a guy to tell me politely that he doesn't want to do it again or treat me well to demonstrate he loved it and wants more.

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