Dating a woman with a psychotic mother

[KuraJay11]

So I have been dating this woman for about 10 months. We met while I was on vacation and have been extremely close ever since. She's a good woman. Beautiful. Incredible body (which is a huge plus). Makes good money. No kids (another plus since I don't date women with kids). Easy to talk to. Gives me my space. Phenomenal relationship overall. After dating for two months, I met her mother and it was a terrible experience. It was a two day visit and the majority of the first day consisted of the mother asking a number of questions that were flat out none of her business (my salary, if I ever been to a strip club, if my father was ever abusive and a bunch of other privacy invading nonsense). Even after my girlfriend explained that the mother was being inappropriate, she continued on. If was a nightmare of a trip and I was ready to break the relationship off right then and there.

 

Me and my girl eventually moved in together. The mother would call and if I answered she wouldn't even acknowledge my existence. "Is so and so there" and if my girl wasn't, her mom would just hang up. No 'goodbye" to go along with the no "hello". She came to visit like twice and was completely disrespectful during both trips. Leaving food lying around the house (which I HATE and she knows it), drinking my beer without asking, using my bathroom rather than the one for guest, repeatedly talking about my girl's ex and how "good of a man he was' and a bunch of other nonsense. The second to last trip was two months ago and afterwards I explained to my girl that her mother has one more time to be disrespectful and the relationship is over.

 

Last week I get home from work and my girl's mother is parked in the driveway. She said it was a "surprise visit" and that she wanted to apologize for her behavior. I hesitantly accepted and I invited her in. While we're having drinks and talking, a female co-worker of mine dropped by the house to drop off some documents. Now I'll admit that this co-worker is absolutely stunning and very "touchy feely". So after dropping the documents off she gives me a hug and leaves. My girl arrives an hour later and her mother goes off about "this woman that came in and was all over me". That was the last straw. I packed my stuff and have been staying in a hotel ever since. I have been ignoring my girl's calls and texts for the last week and really am leaning towards breaking it off. On one hand I know my girl is what many men dream off when it comes to a partner. On the other hand life is way too short to deal with headaches in a relationship especially when one has options. My co-worker has expressed on many occasions that she is attracted to me and our relationship would be drama free. I honestly do not know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[sugarpuss]

I don't think what you're doing is fair to your girlfriend. Her mother's behavior isn't in her control. I understand it's irritating, but giving your girl, more or less, an ultimatum for something she absolutely cannot control isn't fair. Have you ever sat down with your girlfriend to try and find out WHY her mom acts like this, rather than just getting mad with her? Try to understand instead of just reacting.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like you've already contemplated a relationship with your co-worker quite a bit, so maybe you aren't too committed to making your current relationship work anyway?

[TXGuy]

The thing that bothers me is the fact you seem to already have the coworker lined up as a new girlfriend. That makes me wonder if the only issue is the gf mom or if you are just looking for greener pastures.

 

Setting aside the coworker/potential gf. I think it is perfectly reasonable to end the relationship due to gf mom's action. It is your gf's responsibility to convey to her mother that she must treat you civilly. If that is not possible, she needs to cut that toxic person out of your (collective) lives. If she is not willing to do that, you should walk away. It doesn't sound like gf has the backbone to stand up to her mother and it doesn't sound like she is willing or able to move far enough in that direction.

 

I'd walk away from a great woman if her mother acted like that to me and my gf did not solve it in a reasonable amount of time.

[LostOnes05]

I wouldn't cut out a great woman because of her knucklehead mother. She can visit her mother, but her mother wouldn't be welcome in our home. If you went to visit her, stay in a hotel. How would you like to be punished for a drunk uncle that does something stupid at a family event? Unfair, right? Understand that she will always be her mother. Just like you have faults, so does her mother. And the thing is, this woman raised the woman that you find so great. And if you left her tomorrow, her mother would be there to support her...not you. So she used your bathroom...Big deal man. Life goes on and you'll have to pick your battles. The disrespectful comments are fair game but just let other stuff go.

 

And no relationship is drama free, so that's just thinking the grass is greener/wishful thinking. But reality is the grass is greener where you water it and nurture it. You could get with the stunning, touchy feely coworker and suddenly that behavior with others becomes an issue. Then you'll be insecure when she has to drop off things to another guy.

 

But if you're going to punish someone for what another did to you, you should just let her go. What happens if the sister or brother of the next woman doesn't like you? Run again?

[JewelD]

I don't think you should be all that mad at the gf. It's not her fault her mom is rude. However, it is her fault that she invites her to your home and made it clear to her that it was acceptable for her to stop by for surprise visits. Has your gf spoken to her mother about the way she's acting?

 

It's an easy fix, tell your gf she needs to understand you don't want to be around her mother. However, if they are close, she might not necessarily agree to that, in which case it'd probably be better to end it.

[Redhead14]

I don't think you should be all that mad at the gf. It's not her fault her mom is rude. However, it is her fault that she invites her to your home and made it clear to her that it was acceptable for her to stop by for surprise visits. Has your gf spoken to her mother about the way she's acting?

 

It's an easy fix, tell your gf she needs to understand you don't want to be around her mother. However, if they are close, she might not necessarily agree to that, in which case it'd probably be better to end it.

 

It doesn't sound as though the mother is "that" reasonable as to respect boundaries anyway, so talking to her would likely be useless.

 

Nevertheless, it's not fair to not answer his girlfriends calls and leave her in the dark about "where" he is on all this. I'd guess she does get why you're put off, but stonewalling isn't acceptable.

[caringsister]

Your gf should not be held responsible for her mothers behavior. Her mom is an individual and is acting of her own accord. Why are you punishing your gf for something her mom did?

 

It is up to both you and your gf to talk about and set boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not in your home.

 

Honestly what it sounds like to me is you are half hearted because of your "absolutely stunning" coworker who is "touchy feely". Maybe you are looking for a cop out excuse because the grass looks greener and serene on the other side of the fence?

 

You said yourself that your coworker has expressed on many occasions that she was attracted to you. Clearly you are attracted to her as well and even consider her an option as you are entertaining thoughts of a drama free life with her. Your gfs mom picked up on something and didn't dig the vib so she told her daughter.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. Do right by your gf and stop punishing her for her moms behavior and if you just want out of the relationship to be with your coworker then grow a pair of nads and let your gf go to find someone who really wants to be in a relationship with her.

Edited August 8, 2016 by caringsister

[elaine567]

My co-worker has expressed on many occasions that she is attracted to me and our relationship would be drama free..

 

 

^^^this^^^

I guess this is what the thread is really all about...

You do not need the excuse of her awful mother to justify dumping this girl, if you want to be with the co-worker then just admit it.

 

BTW the mother is NOT "psychotic" in the true meaning of the word.

Edited August 8, 2016 by elaine567
fixed quote

[JewelD]

It doesn't sound as though the mother is "that" reasonable as to respect boundaries anyway, so talking to her would likely be useless.

 

Nevertheless, it's not fair to not answer his girlfriends calls and leave her in the dark about "where" he is on all this. I'd guess she does get why you're put off, but stonewalling isn't acceptable.

 

But these types of parents are sometimes enabled by their children. It doesn't sound like the gf has tried to put a stop to it. And she has no choice but to respect boundaries if daughter doesn't open the door and instructs her bf it's okay for him to do the same.

 

Op's gf may just think her mother is being overprotective in a loving way and doesn't take the situation seriously. Maybe she's not the one being rude, but if the girlfriend is sitting on the couch acting like her name is Bennett and she's not in it, then that's a big problem.

 

When my family or friends come into my home, I'm more or less responsible. If I had a roommate and my friend were to eat their food, it would be on me to replace it. Same thing here, her mother is her guest in the home (although unwanted by OP), and it is her responsibility to at least call her out on her rude behavior and, if need be, tell her to leave their home if she's going to continue being disrespectful.

 

I can't imagine OP has not already spoken to her about her mother many times. It wouldn't hurt to answer her calls, but what exactly would she be able to do about the situation that she couldn't have already done when the problems with her mother began?

[smackie9]

The GF is either short sighted or too afraid to stand up to her mother. I would never take any of that kind of behavior from my mother....in fact she would be pushed out the flippin door. I indeed had to cut my mother off at one time it got so bad. I have no sympathy for adults who can't stand up to their parents and put a stop to their rude behavior. IMO the OP tried to address this with his GF, and nothing has change. Time to go.

 

As for the co-worker, that's here nor there...has nothing to do with the issue.

[Larryville]

I met her mother and it was a terrible experience. It was a two day visit and the majority of the first day consisted of the mother asking a number of questions that were flat out none of her business (my salary, if I ever been to a strip club, if my father was ever abusive and a bunch of other privacy invading nonsense). Even after my girlfriend explained that the mother was being inappropriate, she continued on. If was a nightmare of a trip and I was ready to break the relationship off right then and there.

 

The GF is either short sighted or too afraid to stand up to her mother.

 

Me and my girl eventually moved in together.

 

You met he mother and you still moved in with her? Seriously!?

 

Your gf should not be held responsible for her mothers behavior. Her mom is an individual and is acting of her own accord.

 

Her mother's behavior isn't in her control.

 

But these types of parents are sometimes enabled by their children. It doesn't sound like the gf has tried to put a stop to it.

 

I think it is perfectly reasonable to end the relationship due to gf mom's action. It is your gf's responsibility to convey to her mother that she must treat you civilly.

 

The GF is either short sighted or too afraid to stand up to her mother.

 

Let’s get real, meet the mom and take a good close hard look at your future. Feel free to ignore but looks, personality, behavior. We all learn what we observe and while some of us can overcome growing up and being around rude, invasive, stupid, racist, short sided parents most won’t and if the woman is incapable of stand up to a "problem" parent you MUST ask yourself why?