What are your views on this?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Say you went out with a guy a couple of times.

 

He invites you to a dinner at his place. You clearly tell him that you are happy to come but are not ready for anything physical at this point and that you want to get to know him better first. He says that's perfectly OK and he is happy for me to come and just eat and hang out.

 

BTW I can't tell you how sick I am of sexual aggressiveness of men today :sick:

 

Anyway, you go there and he attempts to make out and more. You stop him and go back to talking and hanging out. He tries making out and taking it further the second time; as in taking your top off. You stop him and at this point just go home. He continues to text and so on as if everything is fine.

 

This guy is clearly not respecting your boundaries right? Or is this kind of thing just to be expected in dating?

 

Why can't I go to a guy's place without it turning into a wrestling match?

 

If I am interested in having sex with you, you will know.

 

If there is any doubt it's a NO

[BluEyeL]

For some reason going to a guy's place means you would be open to have sex even if you say you don't verbally. No matter if this is right or wrong when a guy has a request to "cook for you " you tell him I can't wait for that one date but I think for now we should go out.

[Toodaloo]

I live by the simple rule that I do not put myself in situations where I might not like the outcome.

 

If I go to a guys house during the evening I will be comfortable with having sex with him.

 

If I am not comfortable having sex with him I simply do not go and I keep it public...

 

During the day OK fine, but an evening no.

[Emilia]

I think it's best not to allow yourself to get into situations that make you feel uncomfortable in the first place. Why do you want to go to a guy's place if you don't want sex? Why not for a meal/coffee/drink/movie? The options are endless. Why his place?

[Gr8fuln2020]

For some reason going to a guy's place means you would be open to have sex even if you say you don't verbally. No matter if this is right or wrong when a guy has a request to "cook for you " you tell him I can't wait for that one date but I think for now we should go out.

 

Yeah. You ladies should know that being invited to one's apartment/home for "dinner" most likely entails an attempt to get physical with you. Come on. Not always the case, but very likely.

 

I would have left after his first attempts....by not doing so, you encourage him pursue (right or wrong).

 

He had EVERY INTENTION to get into your pants, bra, etc.

[BluEyeL]

In my personal experience they'll try even during the day. First man I've ever dated after my divorce tried it. Back then I was naive but I quickly learned not to be alone with a man in closed quarters unless I wouldn't mind having sex.

 

I'm surprised OP that with your experience you're asking this question. This is the question a rookie in dating would ask.

 

I feel you're not asking a question but rather ranting about men and how this isn't right and we should be able to go to a guy's place and when we stated there will be no sex they respected that . There are men who would but they're the minority. I agree it's wrong but it is what it is and I don't understand fighting reality. Just do what you know you have to do.

[JoeSmith357-1]

From a guy's perspective, if you accept the invitation over to my place, you are at least "leaving the door open" to sex. Despite what you may or may not have said ahead of time.

 

The first sexual advance, I think is perfectly acceptable. Gotta give the guy a pass for at least trying.

 

The second is not ok... you were right to leave.

 

The dude obviously does not get it. But he's obviously into you.

 

I have to ask though:

 

1. you had to know he was going to try, why accept the invitation over? Why not suggest going out somewhere instead if you are indeed not ready to bang him??? Mixed messages here from the guys perspective

 

2. How long have you been seeing this guy. I mean time and number of dates

 

3. Are you attracted to him?? If so, why not have sex?

 

4. How old are you??

[JoeSmith357-1]

I think it's best not to allow yourself to get into situations that make you feel uncomfortable in the first place. Why do you want to go to a guy's place if you don't want sex? Why not for a meal/coffee/drink/movie? The options are endless. Why his place?

 

Exactly....

[JewelD]

Honestly, if you tell a guy upfront that you don't want to get physical and he tries to anyway (regardless of where you are) he's a pervert and a loser. If he tries and you have to stop him multiple times, that's borderline sexual assault.

 

Men of quality don't do things like that. You can go over to his house and tell him you just want to talk and that's all that will happen because he respects your boundaries.

 

I don't believe this is a thing that all men do, just the wack ones that nobody wants anyway. You can go to a guy's place and not have sex, you just have to find a decent man.

[No_Go]

The guy is a total jerk.

 

I disagree that going home = sex. While dating, I had guys over to my place and vice versa, and all that we did was eating and talking, as planned.

 

BUT heavy making out in someone's home - this would create the mood for sex. So if you don't want that - just don't make out. Keep this for the time you'll be ready for sex.

 

Say you went out with a guy a couple of times.

 

He invites you to a dinner at his place. You clearly tell him that you are happy to come but are not ready for anything physical at this point and that you want to get to know him better first. He says that's perfectly OK and he is happy for me to come and just eat and hang out.

 

BTW I can't tell you how sick I am of sexual aggressiveness of men today :sick:

 

Anyway, you go there and he attempts to make out and more. You stop him and go back to talking and hanging out. He tries making out and taking it further the second time; as in taking your top off. You stop him and at this point just go home. He continues to text and so on as if everything is fine.

 

This guy is clearly not respecting your boundaries right? Or is this kind of thing just to be expected in dating?

 

Why can't I go to a guy's place without it turning into a wrestling match?

 

If I am interested in having sex with you, you will know.

 

If there is any doubt it's a NO

[BluEyeL]

Honestly, if you tell a guy upfront that you don't want to get physical and he tries to anyway (regardless of where you are) he's a pervert and a loser. If he tries and you have to stop him multiple times, that's borderline sexual assault.

 

Men of quality don't do things like that. You can go over to his house and tell him you just want to talk and that's all that will happen because he respects your boundaries.

 

I don't believe this is a thing that all men do, just the wack ones that nobody wants anyway. You can go to a guy's place and not have sex, you just have to find a decent man.

Not all men do that but it is better not to accept home invitations until you're ready. There is certain dating code and you don't know how the guy thinks until you know him better.

 

Usually to me even early invitations were a red flag to start with .

[gymgirl36]

The guy is a jerk for trying when you said you weren't interested on the front end. That was inappropriate on his part. That being said, I don't visit someone's home unless I am at least prepared for the possibility of sex. Going to someone's home doesn't by default mean sex, but the temptation is there and as someone said, a lot of people (men and women) read it as an invitation or at least that the door is open for sex. It's easier just to avoid being alone in close quarters until you're ready.

[Redhead14]

Say you went out with a guy a couple of times.

 

He invites you to a dinner at his place. You clearly tell him that you are happy to come but are not ready for anything physical at this point and that you want to get to know him better first. He says that's perfectly OK and he is happy for me to come and just eat and hang out.

 

BTW I can't tell you how sick I am of sexual aggressiveness of men today :sick:

 

Anyway, you go there and he attempts to make out and more. You stop him and go back to talking and hanging out. He tries making out and taking it further the second time; as in taking your top off. You stop him and at this point just go home. He continues to text and so on as if everything is fine.

 

This guy is clearly not respecting your boundaries right? Or is this kind of thing just to be expected in dating?

 

Why can't I go to a guy's place without it turning into a wrestling match?

 

If I am interested in having sex with you, you will know.

 

If there is any doubt it's a NO

 

 

Some guys are used to hearing 'I'm not ready for anything physical at this point" and then the woman caves . . . they are used to women playing coy, the good girl card and then not enforcing boundaries and doing it anyway . . . these are the women who make it difficult for real women to be taken seriously. How many times on these boards have we read posts that start out something like "OMG! I never sleep with a guy on the first, second date but . . . "

 

Good for you and enforcing your boundaries. I'd say, if the guy really liked you after you drew a line for yourself, he'd continue to contact you. But, he would need to apologize in his next attempt to contact you, not act like nothing happened.

 

Since you are serious about not being physical soon, I'd keep dates public until you are comfortable with becoming intimate. Going to their apartment soon sometimes is just an unspoken go ahead signal. Since you don't know who has this attitude, it's best to keep dates public for a while.

[JewelD]

Not all men do that but it is better not to accept home invitations until you're ready. There is certain dating code and you don't know how the guy thinks until you know him better.

 

Usually to me even early invitations were a red flag to start with .

 

I don't think what happened in OP's situation was because she went to his house though. He clearly can't take 'no' for an answer and doesn't respect her boundaries so this would have caused a major issue at some point down the line even if she never went to his home.

[smackie9]

IMO "make out" seshes is a precursor to sex. It would have played out differently if you respectfully kept yourself at a distance, and didn't engage in being physical.

 

BUT he is what he is and you found out pretty quickly he's not for you.

 

The advice on the board is spot on. Don't put yourself in those situations, and he won't have the opportunity to grope, or insist you taking your top off. It's also dangerous if you have only known each other for a couple of dates. Women get raped, and charges never stick because it's a he said she said.

[Els]

Nah, ditch this guy - he showed his true colors real quickly, at least you didn't waste more than a couple dates on him. Respectful guys understand that 'no' means 'no'. I do agree that going to someone's house after only 2 dates is quite risky, because you barely even know him yet at that point. IMO it would've been best to say "thanks but no thanks, lets go to X restaurant/bar/etc instead". But it definitely doesn't excuse what he did.

 

FTR, when I was dating, it was very common to go to each others' places and not have sex. But that was a different culture.

[Toodaloo]

Its all about choices. We all have choices to make in life and those are as they are.

 

If you do not want to take drugs or get involved in the drugs scene then you don't go to places where there are drugs nor do you socialise with drug takers...

 

Same principles apply here. When dating goes behind closed doors clothes start hitting floors... Its that simple. You want your clothes on then keep to public places... except for nudist beaches...

[Emilia]

The thing is, it's usually obvious really quickly when a man is sexually aggressive, before you end up at his place on the 3rd date. Is the real issue that you really need to feel that a guy is into you so that you pick more aggressive ones, OP?

[Ruby Slippers]

I think that most masculine men (the kind most women want) are going to make a move once they get you alone in their place or yours. It's their nature. It wasn't cool of him to say he would be cool but then not. But it's not surprising. I don't go to his place or invite him to mine until I'm ready for at least a moderate amount of throwdown.

[Redhead14]

This guy should not have made the second attempt. He was wrong. So I'm not defending him. But, the OP kinda made a blanket statement criticizing men in general and blaming them as a gender. Women have responsibility for the situations they find themselves in as well sometimes.

 

But guys are not all bad for trying either . . . they have needs and are at least hoping to have them met. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't.

 

And, the whole mixed signal thing is a problem . . . woman tells a man she doesn't want to be physical, yet she makes out with him. Like it or not, making out excites men/women. If you do that, it seems like maybe you've changed your mind . . . Either you don't want to get physical or you do. It feels like a test to a guy I'd say "umm, does she want me to go for it or not?"

 

Sometimes they are damned if they do and damned if they don't I've also seen posts on these boards where the woman questions whether the guy liked her or not because he didn't make a move.

 

Men get sh*t tested all the time . . . this guy probably has been down that road with the women he's dated, which means he's dating some women that just don't have their sh*t together. So, it's hard for him to know the real deal I'd say and/or doesn't care. This guy was wrong, but he doesn't represent all men either.

[ChatroomHero]

When a girl agrees to come over, it sends a message to guys that she is interested enough to come to his personal space and it's usually a chance to escalate things.

 

 

I think OP's comment to him that she is not coming for fooling around is sometimes seen as, "I am interested enough to come over but I am not a whore, it's not guaranteed sex" ...I have had women come over and say things like they are not coming for action, but then things do escalate and they escalate willingly and when you look back it's like they were saying, "I don't ever sleep with guys right away but...", trying to point out that they are not "easy", even if they are.

 

 

If I it were me and I tried to escalate with eternal and she rejected, especially based on what she said before the date I would absolutely not consider trying again because that is a pretty clear answer to the question of whether or not she was trying to show she is not "easy". If I tried again, I would be a complete a*hole.

[JewelD]

This guy should not have made the second attempt. He was wrong. So I'm not defending him. But, the OP kinda made a blanket statement criticizing men in general and blaming them as a gender. Women have responsibility for the situations they find themselves in as well sometimes.

 

But guys are not all bad for trying either . . . they have needs and are at least hoping to have them met. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't.

 

And, the whole mixed signal thing is a problem . . . woman tells a man she doesn't want to be physical, yet she makes out with him. Like it or not, making out excites men/women. If you do that, it seems like maybe you've changed your mind . . . Either you don't want to get physical or you do. It feels like a test to a guy I'd say "umm, does she want me to go for it or not?"

 

Sometimes they are damned if they do and damned if they don't I've also seen posts on these boards where the woman questions whether the guy liked her or not because he didn't make a move.

 

Men get sh*t tested all the time . . . this guy probably has been down that road with the women he's dated, which means he's dating some women that just don't have their sh*t together. So, it's hard for him to know the real deal I'd say and/or doesn't care. This guy was wrong, but he doesn't represent all men either.

 

Well it sounds like the guy was trying to make out with OP and she had to keep stopping him so they could continue talking.

 

Sounds like she tried to be responsible by letting him know upfront what she wanted. He simply decided to ignore that and hear what he wanted to hear.

 

In this day and age, a decent man is smart enough to know when to stop. He's not a horny teen, he's a grown man who should understand the meaning of consent and the red flags that a woman does not want to sleep with him.

 

It's not that difficult but we treat men like they're dumb animals who don't understand english or body language when they are horny. That's probably why some of them act that way, they get away with it because they believe it is expected of them.

 

Now when a woman calls a guy over and over who is not returning her messages or showing signs of interest, we tell her to stop being dense and move on. We don't tell the man, "welp, he knew what he was getting into when he exchanged numbers with you. He should have expected you were going to persist with unwanted advances". Why is it different with men and sex?

 

Most likely, this man is a pervert who either never gets any kitty cat and is prepared to take it or he gets so much that he can't fathom a woman existing who didn't want to give it to him. I'm leaning towards the former.

[Gaeta]

No means no whether it's his house or your house. Any man, or woman, trying to pressure sex out of someone who has just said no is a manipulative arse that deserves to be dumped on the spot.

[JoeSmith357-1]

No means no whether it's his house or your house. Any man, or woman, trying to pressure sex out of someone who has just said no is a manipulative arse that deserves to be dumped on the spot.

 

Yes. But are you all REALLY faulting him for the first attempt?

 

She accepted an invitation over to his house. 99% of guys are gonna make a move. She says no, it should be done then.

 

I'm really baffled by the amount of women saying he should not even have made a move. Yet she basically accepted a "netflix and chill" date...

 

OP still has not answered my questions. The second move/attempt from the guy was terrible, and he was wrong for that, and she was correct in leaving. But i'm really kind of surprised at the reaction to his initial attempts

[Art_Critic]

The guy was a classic pump and dump kinda guy, you did right by keeping your distance...