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Whirlwind Romance


somecamel

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Hey Guys,

 

I wanted to share what's just happened to me over the past couple of months.

 

Met a girl 3 months ago online, she messaged me first.

 

I'm 33, she's 25 and had recently broken up from her Husband of 4 years and has 2 kids.

 

She was absolutely stunning and we hit it off 'really quick'!! I think in the first week we saw each other everyday!!

 

Anyway, We recently broke up and if I'm honest I'm pretty gutted about it as I did really like her but I was starting to feel a bit suffocated by all the attention.

 

She told me she was falling in love with me after 2 weeks, I tried to tell her it was lust and that I felt similar but it was 'lust' and nothing more at that point.

 

She had flowers sent to my house on our 2 month anniversary with a card saying love you; I've never ever had anything like this before from a girl.

 

I had to have a chat with her asking if we could slow down just a bit and she went all weird on me and said she didn't understand what's going on, she thought things were great etc; I'd already been pulling back quite a bit which she did admit she'd noticed over the preceding 3 weeks.

 

She's gone completely dark on me now, I did message her yesterday saying I missed her but she said she doesn't want to continue as she will get attached to me and 'I'll do it again'.

 

I've done a lot of dating in the past couple of years since I'd broken up with my last long term ex and I was really falling for this new girl but I wanted to take things slowly as I knew it would end in tears if I didn't.

 

Am I completely in the wrong here as I feel like I've just been someones rebound?

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SoThatHappened

- Big age gap between you

- She's fresh off of a divorce with 2 kids at 25?!

- She piled on WAY too quickly

 

I dated a 22 y/o while I was 33 very similar to this girl (18 month-old daughter, poured on the "I love you's" right away, and basically moved herself into my house within a couple of months)

 

I know you're probably hurting over this, but save yourself from getting back with her by letter her go. Are you ready for a rollercoaster relationship? Are you ready to be a step father to her kids?

 

I've been there, and I'd advise you let this one go.

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No, you're not wrong. She was coming on waaaayyy too strong. I would never send a man flowers, and definitely not for a 2 month anniversary.

 

It may be because of her divorce or she might just be a clingy person. And when you told her how you felt, she should have just slowed down. Instead she is basically telling you "I can't control my crazy, so I'm not going to bother trying with you at all". Believe her and move on.

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From the story she told me her ex was quite abusive; physically but more so mentally to her and she now suffers from anxiety because of this, she didn't really go into any real details but I could see he had damaged her.

 

 

@SoThatHappened Thanks for your insight; I really did try to stop it getting to this stage after around a month of us seeing each other; I kept on questioning her statements of love with her to try and get her to see what it was but she just wouldn't listen.

 

It's funny actually I suppose now, because if she did really 'love' me, she wouldn't have ended it like this I suppose.

 

You're right, I am hurting but you've made me feel a lot better already. Cheers.

 

 

 

@JewelD I really wish she had seen that she did need to slow down. What I was doing was because I wanted the relationship to go on and could see that if it had continued as it was, it was doomed to fail anyway.

 

Thanks for your thoughts :)

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  • 1 month later...
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I just wanted to put an update onto this thread as I pushed it and got hurt.

 

I hadnt seen her for about 6 weeks and she texted me about 3 weeks ago and we met up for a drink, one thing led to another and I ended up around her place for the night.

 

The morning after she was being a bit weird again, I left and text her later asking what was going on and she said she didn't know what she wanted blah blah blah so I left it.

 

She's been on my mind since then which pee's me off as I had started to get over her before she text me again.

 

Anyway, I've put myself off texting her for the past 3 weeks but relented today.

 

 

Had a few nice exchanges and then she tells me she's seeing someone else.

 

I suspect she was seeing this other person when we met up 3 weeks ago and I did say to her I kinda suspected there was someone else but she said he wasn't around when we met.

 

I don't believe her and I haven't replied.

 

I've deleted her number now (again).

 

I just needed to rant a bit guys so please no 'I told you so's'.

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Underneath everything she says and does, there is an ocean of desperation.

 

Thats the fuel that drives the intensity.

 

 

Take care.

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[quote=somecamel;7007189

I've done a lot of dating in the past couple of years since I'd broken up with my last long term ex and I was really falling for this new girl but I wanted to take things slowly as I knew it would end in tears if I didn't.

Am I completely in the wrong here as I feel like I've just been someones rebound?

 

First of all, I think you did the right thing she was coming on way too strong--god knows what it was based on but probably not real love at that point. Either just needy, clingy, desperate for a bf. I have a friend who does that--always a rollercoaster; can't stand to be alone. She's a very cool & pretty girl but the need to always be with someone has lead her into some guys that a)are completely NOT her type b)turns down the quality of guys she could get c)can often hurt her over and over which makes her become more desperate to get validation from the next guy d)sends good guys running e)has lead to her getting burned by guys that take advantage.

 

Second with the bolded above--don't know if I have a good answer for that but I don't think you are correct. With someone that comes on strong like that, it will end in tears if you don't allow what she wants (that's what happened when you said let's slow down) and slowing down doesn't necessarily preserve the relationship (ie not avoid tears by doing that either). I don't think you were wrong by any means to try to set a pace that was more conducive but wondering if you were equally trying to protect yourself? Lots of guys say they need to go slower because they are just not comfortable being vulnerable and with the emotions and feeling suffocated, like you said. I'm not trying to say you were wrong to do what you did but maybe the tears you were trying to protect were your own? I mean, you can't be naive enough to imagine that telling a girl that pushes so hard will NOT lead to tears and backlash, right?

 

Anyway, bottom line, you dodged a bullet, I am pretty sure. Good luck

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First of all, I think you did the right thing she was coming on way too strong--god knows what it was based on but probably not real love at that point. Either just needy, clingy, desperate for a bf. I have a friend who does that--always a rollercoaster; can't stand to be alone. She's a very cool & pretty girl but the need to always be with someone has lead her into some guys that a)are completely NOT her type b)turns down the quality of guys she could get c)can often hurt her over and over which makes her become more desperate to get validation from the next guy d)sends good guys running e)has lead to her getting burned by guys that take advantage.

 

Second with the bolded above--don't know if I have a good answer for that but I don't think you are correct. With someone that comes on strong like that, it will end in tears if you don't allow what she wants (that's what happened when you said let's slow down) and slowing down doesn't necessarily preserve the relationship (ie not avoid tears by doing that either). I don't think you were wrong by any means to try to set a pace that was more conducive but wondering if you were equally trying to protect yourself? Lots of guys say they need to go slower because they are just not comfortable being vulnerable and with the emotions and feeling suffocated, like you said. I'm not trying to say you were wrong to do what you did but maybe the tears you were trying to protect were your own? I mean, you can't be naive enough to imagine that telling a girl that pushes so hard will NOT lead to tears and backlash, right?

 

Anyway, bottom line, you dodged a bullet, I am pretty sure. Good luck

 

 

The whole relationship was very intense and went really quick, we even had a week away on holiday in the 2nd month!! :)

 

I agree with what you're saying about protecting myself aswell, I hadn't felt like this about someone since my last long term relationship and I was keen to make sure I wouldn't get hurt again.

 

I know the normal advice on here to let yourself be vulnerable but I honestly don't think I could go through with another breakup like the ones I've had in the past.

 

I did ask one of my friends his thoughts on it before I spoke to her and he told me it would go one of two ways....

 

either she'd accept it and slow it down a bit or go bat sh*t crazy. (he was right either way lol).

 

I'm annoyed that I was pretty much over her before she contacted me 3 weeks ago and it put me back to square one.

 

I suppose it some respects it's good that I know now so I can get rid of some of that false hope I had that we would work things out.

 

Although I may have dodged the bullet, I think it may have caused a small flesh wound as it passed me by :)

 

Thanks for your thoughts:)

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Hey Guys,

 

I wanted to share what's just happened to me over the past couple of months.

 

Met a girl 3 months ago online, she messaged me first.

 

I'm 33, she's 25 and had recently broken up from her Husband of 4 years and has 2 kids.

 

She was absolutely stunning and we hit it off 'really quick'!! I think in the first week we saw each other everyday!!

 

Anyway, We recently broke up and if I'm honest I'm pretty gutted about it as I did really like her but I was starting to feel a bit suffocated by all the attention.

 

She told me she was falling in love with me after 2 weeks, I tried to tell her it was lust and that I felt similar but it was 'lust' and nothing more at that point.

 

She had flowers sent to my house on our 2 month anniversary with a card saying love you; I've never ever had anything like this before from a girl.

 

I had to have a chat with her asking if we could slow down just a bit and she went all weird on me and said she didn't understand what's going on, she thought things were great etc; I'd already been pulling back quite a bit which she did admit she'd noticed over the preceding 3 weeks.

 

She's gone completely dark on me now, I did message her yesterday saying I missed her but she said she doesn't want to continue as she will get attached to me and 'I'll do it again'.

 

I've done a lot of dating in the past couple of years since I'd broken up with my last long term ex and I was really falling for this new girl but I wanted to take things slowly as I knew it would end in tears if I didn't.

 

Am I completely in the wrong here as I feel like I've just been someones rebound?

 

I feel like I've just been someones rebound? -- You absolutely were her rebound . . . she was desperate for comfort and security. You couldn't give her the security, and you were right to back off, and you were honest with her. Let her go. You both will end up being hurt if you keep going with her.

 

I'd bet she's disappeared and is expecting you to chase after her and tell her you can't live without her . . . don't do it.

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Hey Guys,

 

I wanted to share what's just happened to me over the past couple of months.

 

Met a girl 3 months ago online, she messaged me first.

 

I'm 33, she's 25 and had recently broken up from her Husband of 4 years and has 2 kids.

 

How recently?

 

She was absolutely stunning and we hit it off 'really quick'!!

 

IOW: She was a pretty mess.

 

 

I think in the first week we saw each other everyday!!

 

That set up all that is to follow...

 

Anyway, We recently broke up and if I'm honest I'm pretty gutted about it as I did really like her but I was starting to feel a bit suffocated by all the attention.

 

She told me she was falling in love with me after 2 weeks, I tried to tell her it was lust and that I felt similar but it was 'lust' and nothing more at that point.

 

She had flowers sent to my house on our 2 month anniversary with a card saying love you; I've never ever had anything like this before from a girl.

 

I had to have a chat with her asking if we could slow down just a bit and she went all weird on me and said she didn't understand what's going on, she thought things were great etc; I'd already been pulling back quite a bit which she did admit she'd noticed over the preceding 3 weeks.

 

She's gone completely dark on me now, I did message her yesterday saying I missed her but she said she doesn't want to continue as she will get attached to me and 'I'll do it again'.

 

I've done a lot of dating in the past couple of years since I'd broken up with my last long term ex and I was really falling for this new girl but I wanted to take things slowly as I knew it would end in tears if I didn't.

 

Am I completely in the wrong here as I feel like I've just been someones rebound?

 

I don't think it was a matter of who's right and who's wrong.

 

Neither of you were clear from the get-go about your expectations.

 

You wanted to take things slowly and she was living in the future. Nowhere near being on the same page.

 

I'd say that next time, if spending every day with someone you just met is too much, you have to speak up and say so.

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You are doing well with your boundaries. You have wisdom with your dating behavior - you really don't need any advice, your doing things right. If you really like her, you might want to communicate some of that wisdom to her, communication will bring you together.

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My advice for the future now that you know yourself better & can learn from this experience is since a slower pace may be preferable to you at some point, don't go at an intense pace (seeing every day, taking a trip in 2nd week) yourself to begin with. You were complacent in this disaster as well. She may be a loon and desperate AF but no one is really going to react that well to pulling back. If you start off at 1-2 times per week then you can progress as appropriate. She may be nuts but you weren't without fault--unless she kidnapped you for all that time together at the beginning. In her eyes, you're changing the "agreement". She's not right because she also holds responsibilty for how she conducts her life and pace and she could have handled the pull back better so you could both get what you want. Learn from this and don't get overly excited next time until you know. Good luck

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“These violent delights have violent ends

And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,

Which as they kiss consume.”

 

 

― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

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Thanks guys, I was feeling really ****ty about myself and I appreciate all your answers confirming my thinking :)

 

I went down to a bar tonight to take my mind off things:)

 

Had a good night and caught up with people I haven't seen in a while.

 

As an aside to the main issue :p

 

I recently tried to stop smoking and started a course of Champix (think it's called Chantix in the US) and it completely fried my brain for the last week.

 

Was having great dreams that always resulted in not getting the goods:P but my god, I was feeling really depressed with these drugs!!

 

Anyway, I've been off them today and am already feeling better :)

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People like this are very frustrating, they make the slower mover (here you) try to catch up and move more quickly because of their intensity and they lay the 'love' on thick. And when you're actually catching up because your feelings are growing naturally, they seem to be able to turn theirs off with a flick of a switch!

 

 

I guess it shows that it's not really 'love' on their part!

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People like this are very frustrating, they make the slower mover (here you) try to catch up and move more quickly because of their intensity and they lay the 'love' on thick. And when you're actually catching up because your feelings are growing naturally, they seem to be able to turn theirs off with a flick of a switch!

 

 

I guess it shows that it's not really 'love' on their part!

 

Couldn't agree with you more on this.

 

Although I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a bit, I've never really understood people that can literally just blank out their feelings and pretend like nothings wrong... Sometimes though I wish I could.

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Oh yeah I've often wished that too, but honestly I believe the meaning/true strength in human connection is lost on these types! They just fill the hole again and again with a new person and the feelings of 'new love'. They don't really know what being a committed partner involves, in my opinion, and nor will they get to experience the true depth of that mutual commitment as their hearts seem to be so very fickle!!

 

 

Don't be surprised if she pops back up if this new man doesn't pan out! These people always come back as their constant desperation for love/attention/distraction pulls them towards any avenue with which they think they can get their fix (and they have very little self awareness to even realise it). Also, telling them their ways is no use because bringing them back down to reality only serves to snap them out of their love bubble QUICKLY (as I'm sure you know from when you told this girl to take things slow), it's like a big punch in the face, 'fairytale land does not exist' and they mistake what's actually just reality for a loss of interest in YOU!!

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It's been a week guys and although I'm much better, there's something bothering me and I can't put my finger on it.

 

I still feel pretty gutted about her and when I was on the 'champix' I was having some 'crazy' dreams about her, they're were laced with innuendo .

 

Because of my state of mind, I'm not going to lie, there were some suicidal thoughts in there, Couple of time I was out on the balcony stoned and pissed but I didn't do it (obviously:P).

 

I stopped the 'medication' and feel much better now but I feel like I've just learnt another major life lesson with the ex and it was probably the completely wrong time to use something like champix when you're having **** in your life.

 

I've emailed a local counselor tonight as I really think I could do with some one on one conversation.

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Hey, I hope you're hanging in there! I just wanted to tell you that I absolutely can relate to the way you're feeling and please do not feel silly! When the above man in my life acted similarly to your ex after showering me with 'love', it sent my system into complete shock and I was constantly feeling the need to retrieve something I'd 'lost'. I was wanting validation too that what was shown all wasn't real.

 

 

It's a sad place to be and I think it's important to focus on the bad things these types bring to your life and know that anyone who tries to move things along quickly and forcibly is NOT GOOD NEWS and they will fail in all their relationships until they address this. Do not play 'euphoric recall' and remember all the fuzzy/nice things about them. You will see, in merely a few weeks, that you did NOT KNOW THIS PERSON AT ALL. And you WILL feel RELIEVED!!! Believe me :)

 

 

I also went to counselling after the said dude did this to me, I felt incredibly low, even more than when leaving a long term relationship. I think it's because the behaviour is unexpected and out of the norm.

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