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Delayed introductions - how to handle


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My BF and I have been together 16-17 months, living together half of it. I've met his entire family on month 2, we've spend holidays with them etc. But he hasn't met mine yet. He has been insisting to go visit (overseas) from over an year... I just can't find the guts to do it. My mother knows tangentially about him but nothing like the living together etc. I've never introduced a man to her and I'm almost 32. It is a reflection of our very disfunctional family, but for all that matters - I now need to find a way to do it because:

-we're talking marriage and he wants to go the traditional way (asking the family etc)

-I have a big family event coming soon that he needs to be a part of it if he'll stay with me

No judgement please, but I'd appreciate any advice how to deal with this imminent and very delayed introduction.

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Mainly the change of their attitude / behavioral dynamics towards me (it is unexpected for them), approval (they are quite judgemental + cultural clashes - e.g. language barrier), and the fact that I hid him (and my romantic life in general) for so long.

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Do you speak to your family often? Do you really have to get into all the details with them? Can't you just bring him to the event, introduce him, and leave it at that? If they ask questions, answer honestly, but don't elaborate. If they ask why you haven't mentioned him, can you just say it wasn't the right time, or you wanted to make sure things were heading in a long term direction, or something like that? And who cares if they don't like him...

 

And then obviously have a long talk with him in advance to warn him about the situation so he is prepared.

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Thanks Clia, your advice follows what I was thinking to do more or less. With one caveat: I have been speaking to some of them very frequently (since we had deaths in the family), and in a stupid attempt to 'prepare the ground' I've been bringing the relationship topic frequently without going all the way. That makes it more awkward than what it would be if I haven't spoken to them at all...

 

Do you speak to your family often? Do you really have to get into all the details with them? Can't you just bring him to the event, introduce him, and leave it at that? If they ask questions, answer honestly, but don't elaborate. If they ask why you haven't mentioned him, can you just say it wasn't the right time, or you wanted to make sure things were heading in a long term direction, or something like that? And who cares if they don't like him...

 

And then obviously have a long talk with him in advance to warn him about the situation so he is prepared.

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Mainly the change of their attitude / behavioral dynamics towards me (it is unexpected for them), approval (they are quite judgemental + cultural clashes - e.g. language barrier), and the fact that I hid him (and my romantic life in general) for so long.

 

This is pretty vague - why are you afraid they won't accept him? Is your family racist and he is another "race" (which biologically speaking is about as relevant as orange cats v. grey cats but racism exists)? Will they cut you out of the will or disown you because English isn't his first language? Are you marrying down? Is he going to embarrass you because he's only got 4 teeth, a grade 6 education, and his Mom is his Auntie, too?

 

You're 32. You're an adult. You don't need permission to date and marry whomever you want, and if your family's approval matters to you more than this person who wants to start a life with you then you've got some pretty tough decisions ahead of you. Otherwise, you march right in with him on your arm and say, "Surprise! I'm in love! Isn't that wonderful?!" You don't need to disclose that you're shacked up, do you?

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I'm fairly confident with him as of now although we had problems in the past. I also feel like I was sabotaging the RL to avoid this introduction as stupid as it sounds.

 

TBH I'd have the same fear with anybody ... It is mainly my mother's reaction that I'm afraid of (not that she'll object but how would she change towards me afterwards).

 

Could also be you're unsure about introducing him bc you're unsure about him?
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fairly confident with him

 

Hmm....

 

Your mom's your mom and always has been and always will be, but who is he exactly?

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It is mainly my mother's reaction that I'm afraid of (not that she'll object but how would she change towards me afterwards).

 

How would she change? My mother is a stark raving lunatic with no filters so I actively prevent her from being in direct contact with anyone who doesn't know me reallllllly well... lol

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Haha unless they decide to visit me as a surprise, I won't tell about living together. The idea they may come over for some occasion terrifies me though.

 

We're same race, he's older but not drastically (7 years), whether they'll thing I'm dating/marrying down - maybe because they're stuck on these things (education, jobs), although he has a graduate degree and a good job. He's a nervous communicator (social anxiety etc) and the language I mentioned because I'll be the one to translate both ways (just a hurdle for me to navigate).

 

It is more like my family had a certain opinion of me that I'll stay single and happy with it, as weird as it sounds. But you're right, it is time to own my decisions.

 

 

This is pretty vague - why are you afraid they won't accept him? Is your family racist and he is another "race" (which biologically speaking is about as relevant as orange cats v. grey cats but racism exists)? Will they cut you out of the will or disown you because English isn't his first language? Are you marrying down? Is he going to embarrass you because he's only got 4 teeth, a grade 6 education, and his Mom is his Auntie, too?

 

You're 32. You're an adult. You don't need permission to date and marry whomever you want, and if your family's approval matters to you more than this person who wants to start a life with you then you've got some pretty tough decisions ahead of you. Otherwise, you march right in with him on your arm and say, "Surprise! I'm in love! Isn't that wonderful?!" You don't need to disclose that you're shacked up, do you?

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Could you talk to him about considering not asking your parents for permission? If he decides not to ask for permission, that might take some of the pressure off you.

 

One argument you could make is that him asking your parents for permission to marry you is demeaning to both you as well as to him.

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To put it bluntly my father has severe issues with alcohol that killed him, prior to that they were extremely codependent.. I mean stuff that is not pretty to disclose, but she is acting sometimes very scared, very emotional, tells everything to everyone...

 

How would she change? My mother is a stark raving lunatic with no filters so I actively prevent her from being in direct contact with anyone who doesn't know me reallllllly well... lol
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Well I meant fairly confient with the relationship with him, not comparing him to my mom.

 

But all being said: both he, my mom and I have been through very abusive family/partnership situations (independently of each other) that make me very terrified how to add him to the mix.

 

Hmm....

 

Your mom's your mom and always has been and always will be, but who is he exactly?

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I'm considering that, especially that I have only one living parent. I can't get around the other upcoming family event though - he'll need to be acquainted to the new member if we'll stay together, married or not.

 

Could you talk to him about considering not asking your parents for permission? If he decides not to ask for permission, that might take some of the pressure off you.

 

One argument you could make is that him asking your parents for permission to marry you is demeaning to both you as well as to him.

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I'm considering that, especially that I have only one living parent. I can't get around the other upcoming family event though - he'll need to be acquainted to the new member if we'll stay together, married or not.

 

Sometimes the anticipation of how cold the water will be is worse than just jumping in and getting it over with. And sometimes, it's actually pretty darn refreshing! I vote it's time for a polar dip!

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Well I meant fairly confient with the relationship with him, not comparing him to my mom.

 

But all being said: both he, my mom and I have been through very abusive family/partnership situations (independently of each other) that make me very terrified how to add him to the mix.

 

I know. "Fairly confident" is quite an equivocation, so that makes me think this is mainly about him. :)

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You're probably reading into my insecurities :)

 

I can say with 100% security though even if he was **put a name of a favorite public figure here**, I'd STILL be going through the same state of fear. I emphasize I never dared to introduce/explicitly mention a guy name to them, let alone further details, and I have had 3 LTRs already.

 

Even if it doesn't work out with my BF for some reason, introductions would be a massive step up with my family.

 

I know. "Fairly confident" is quite an equivocation, so that makes me think this is mainly about him. :)
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Thanks Clia, your advice follows what I was thinking to do more or less. With one caveat: I have been speaking to some of them very frequently (since we had deaths in the family), and in a stupid attempt to 'prepare the ground' I've been bringing the relationship topic frequently without going all the way. That makes it more awkward than what it would be if I haven't spoken to them at all...

 

Can you just be kind of light about it? "Oh, didn't I tell you? I thought I mentioned it. Yes, we've been together for awhile now. He's great. Anyway...[on to another topic.]"

 

I feel like if you don't treat it like a heavy thing you've been hiding from them, it might not occur to them that maybe you should've mentioned it sooner. Or maybe you did mention it and they forgot...? :p Or like I said, if they really pry just say something along the lines of it being personal and you didn't want to start sharing the news until you were sure things were heading in a more serious direction. And then change the topic.

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I think you have to get rational about it, and quit giving so much of a sh*t what everyone is going to think. It is what it is.

 

A huge part of it is to quit thinking that they have to approve. You're an adult and you make your own decisions. Veto the ask your family's permission stuff. That's archaic; not appropriate for an adult who is her own person.

 

Let them know you're bringing someone so they won't be shocked in the moment, be gracious when you do the introductions and then just relax and have fun. Surely they're gracious enough to accept him as your guest regardless of what they may feel personally. They should absolutely do this out of respect for you. Are you afraid they'll insult him or kick him out or what?

 

Just assume it will go well and don't worry about outcomes. What else can you do?

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Look, there are plenty of people who don't introduce someone to their family until they're engaged. Don't feel bad. They at least know about him. Don't tell them you've been living together. Just be vague if you feel it would bother them. Lots of parents would rather have the courtesy of not knowing if it goes against their beliefs.

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I think you have to get rational about it, and quit giving so much of a sh*t what everyone is going to think. It is what it is.

 

A huge part of it is to quit thinking that they have to approve. You're an adult and you make your own decisions. Veto the ask your family's permission stuff. That's archaic; not appropriate for an adult who is her own person.

 

Let them know you're bringing someone so they won't be shocked in the moment, be gracious when you do the introductions and then just relax and have fun. Surely they're gracious enough to accept him as your guest regardless of what they may feel personally. They should absolutely do this out of respect for you. Are you afraid they'll insult him or kick him out or what?

 

Just assume it will go well and don't worry about outcomes. What else can you do?

 

Exactly this. I'm mid thirties and had never mentioned anything about dating or relationships to my parents - my thought was, no point mentioning unless there's someone worth mentioning! Then I met my now boyfriend, we decided to go away for a week-end a few months in and I needed them to dog sit, so I had to tell them! I was nervous - I felt like I was opening this previously closed portion of my life, plus he is another ethnicity / originally from another country, so I wasn't sure what they would think of that.

 

Anyway, I told them, they were interested and excited and it's been really simple. Any concerns I had went away almost immediately. My mom was maybe a little hurt I had waited a few months to tell her, but all in all, I built my worries about telling them into something bigger than it was.

 

We had even more concerns about telling my boyfriend's parents. They don't speak English, live abroad, are a different religion, and don't believe in Western style dating. My boyfriend agonised for about 5 months about what they would think, how to tell them, etc. Then we visited, they met me as a "friend", guessed within 24 hours the true nature of our relationship and they are totally cool with it! Communicating is a little challenging but we make it work. Nothing that my boyfriend feared happened, and it's so much easier now that it's all in the open.

 

All that to say, it's just as likely that it will all go fine as that it will be a disaster. You can guess how your mom will react, but you cannot know for sure until you tell her. My guess is you will actually feel a lot of relief and if anything it will make you feel more secure with your boyfriend.

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You are right, the rip the bandaid approach seems to be the way to go. We're going to an event in few weeks and I told my mother that I'm going with him. Actually, she doesn't know his name but I managed to get to her a lot of information about his family, occupation, and that I know him from 1.5 years (she's just not aware that we're seriously dating all that time... I imagine she thinks we started as friends but things are escalating now that I start talking about this upcoming event with him).

 

So I hope she won't be shocked when I set time to visit overseas and I'm with him... She'll be distracted by another big family event that will happen then, which works for my advantage...

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How about introducing him over Skype or something before actually meeting?

 

Have a few skype sessions, she can get to know him but you can be like "oh we can only chat for 15 mins I have an appt " or something so you have an out

 

Then....when you take him home, it's like they already know him and will make it easier.

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Versacehottie
You are right, the rip the bandaid approach seems to be the way to go. We're going to an event in few weeks and I told my mother that I'm going with him. Actually, she doesn't know his name but I managed to get to her a lot of information about his family, occupation, and that I know him from 1.5 years (she's just not aware that we're seriously dating all that time... I imagine she thinks we started as friends but things are escalating now that I start talking about this upcoming event with him).

 

So I hope she won't be shocked when I set time to visit overseas and I'm with him... She'll be distracted by another big family event that will happen then, which works for my advantage...

 

I was going to say, start dropping info about him into your conversations with her. Not apologetically, but matter-of-fact. You could, of course, do the "mom, I have something to tell you" but I'm taking it that kind of approach may not go over too well? She might take it as you have something to "discuss" as if her OPINION is needed or warranted. If you just drop his name into all future conversations, it does not leave him up for discussion. If she has any concerns or objections, she will need to ask you--which then you can give her an explanation but you are still in power position.

 

Listen, if you are 32 now and from a traditional background, she has to assume you will have a bf (and later a husband) someday! If I get your real concern is that she may object to his status--is that right? That's why you don't present HIM as something up for "discussion".

 

To protect him and the family event, I think YOU should do it beforehand and let them get used to the idea before the event. For the sake of the relationship, you should prep him and help him through the event. It will be stressful, no doubt, but hopefully he can come off likable. Lots of times, family will surprise you if you are happy and the person is likable or well-behaved in an event setting (making an effort, being polite, relatively sociable), and they will acquiesce.

 

It can also help to get someone in the family on your side before and let them get the word out more about your bf in advance. My aunt did that. After my uncle died (about two years later) she had a new boyfriend. At a family event, she chose me to tell secretly (well i didn't really know i was first to know). Our family is ALL my uncle's side--she is the one who married into it. After he died, of course, she still comes to events because she is part of the family and we love her. I think she didn't want anyone to be hurt or judgmental over the time frame so she chose me out of the extended family. Probably because I would be most accepting of the information and happy if she was happy. She knows I'm not the type to tell everyone like in a gossipy way but that slowly it would get around the family circle. It worked pretty well, I would say.

 

Anyway, you could pick that kind of person (like maybe a cousin?) in advance to tell more details and kinda get your PR out there!! Like how happy you are, how good he is too you, how accomplished or whatever you want the official story to be. That way you can do a two-pronged approach. Your mom can get the basics and you can tell your story and good details in advance to some trusted family member so they can spread the news for you. Good luck!! Glad you are finally getting around to this, lol.

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